Shaolin Dolemite (1999) (V)

Director:

Robert Tai

Writers:

Rudy Ray Moore (writer)
Robert Tai (writer)

Genre:

Action | Adventure | Comedy

Plot Keywords:

Dolemite | Kung Fu | Blaxploitation | Topless Ninja Fighting

Cast

  (Cast overview, first billed only)

Rudy Ray Moore	...	Monk Ru-Dee
Eugene Thomas	...	Tupac
Robert Tai	...	Abbot White
Jimmy Lynch	...	Sam the Spliff
Alexander Lou	...	Prince Sanada (as Alexander Lo)
Alice Tseng	...	Ninja Ho'
Mandy Pang	...	Wutasha
Chaplin Chang	...	Chess Boxer
Toby Russell	...	Shabazz #1
John Ladalski	...	Shabazz #2
Lucifer Lee	...	Himself
Silvio Azolini	...	Davey Crockett
Chang Kwo Chiang	...	Bronzeman
Yang Shi Kwong	...	Gold Man
Brother Canton	...	Head Abbot

Runtime:

104 min

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Company:

Don't Back Down Productions

Movie Connections:

Edited from Ren zhe da (1986)

Bad, bad, bad ... and not in a good way

I have seen a great many bad movies in my life: if any of them were worse than this, I must have repressed the memory. If I could give this film less than a 1, I would.

No one seeing a title like "Shaolin Dolemite" would expect Tarkovsky. However, you might expect something humorously awful that would be good to watch for laughs over a few beers. Unfortunately, this one passes through the "So bad it's good" zone without even slowing down, and ends up firmly in the realm of "So bad it's depressing".

As far as I can tell, someone basically took a ninth-rate kungfu movie (probably "Ninja: The Final Duel") and welded on a few scenes - perhaps ten minutes in total - featuring Rudy-Ray Moore. Mr Moore does not actually do any kungfu. He simply ambles on in a dashiki and shades from time to time, cocks his head quizzically and says "Motherfucker" and "Shee-it" a few times. He looks gray (literally; the color is bad throughout, but appears to be particularly 'off' during his scenes) and depressed. As well he might be.

The 'plot' is the usual kungfu mishmash of evil ninjas, virtuous monks, and random ass- kickers who periodically meet up and pound on each other until someone spits blood and collapses. Among the large cast of people who you won't care about there is a warrior prince, several monks with runaway eyebrows, a cackling arch-villain in what looks like a clean- room 'bunny suit', a Davey Crockett character in a coonskin cap and a topless female ninja.

The original Chinese dialog has been - poorly - dubbed over with English. Something might have been salvaged from the whole train-wreck if the new dialog were actually amusing, but it isn't. The contribution of the writers seems to have been to throw in a few obscenities and some lame 'jokes' about African-American culture, none of which are even slightly funny. The most disturbing thing about the film might actually be that someone - possibly more than one person - actually believed that this drivel was witty.

There's no reason for this film to exist, except as an awful warning. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to watch it, ever. It's not cheesy or 'so bad it's good'. It's just boring and painful. Avoid.