Memorable quotes for
"The Office" (2001) More at IMDbPro »

David Brent: Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

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Gareth: In this room I have special...
Tim: ...needs?
Gareth: No, in this room I am a special...
Tim: ...needs child?
Gareth: No, and that's not even funny.

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David Brent: Look at this - "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs". Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.
Gareth: If anything they should be rewarded.
David Brent: No, they should be equal.

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Gareth: Condoms come in all different flavours nowadays. There's strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?

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Chris Finch: So I get there, she's aged 19, Ferrari chassis, fantastic set of shelves and legs up to her arse. Muchos tequilas later I'm in a cab with her.

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Gareth: My dad, for example, he's not as cosmopolitan or as educated as me and it can be embarrasing you know. He doesn't understand all the new trendy words - like he'll say "poofs" instead of "gays", "birds" instead of "women", "darkies" instead of "coloureds".

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David Brent: Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous! No - purely social. I know someone who is an alchoholic and it is no laughing matter - particularly for his wife. And she's got alopecia. So... not a happy homelife.

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David Brent: I don't live by "The Rules" you know, and if there's one person who has influenced me in that way of thinking, someone who is a maverick, someone who does 'that' to the system then it's Ian Botham.

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Chris Finch: Give me half hour with her I'd be up to me nuts in guts.

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David Brent: Some people are intimidated when talking to large numbers of people in an entertaining way. Not me.

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Tim: No I don't talk about my love life for a very good reason, and that reason is I don't have one. Which is very good news for the ladies-I am still available. I'm a heck of a catch, cos, er well look at it. I live in Slough, in a lovely house, with my parents. I have my own room, which I've had since yep, since I was born. That's seen a lot of action I tell you. Mainly dusting. I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter. So, er, form an orderly queue ladies.

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David Brent: A philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship, two, a decent job of work, and three, to make a difference. And it was always that third one that stressed me, to make a difference. And I realise that I do. Every day, we all do. It's how we interact, with our fellow man.
Peter: How would you like to be remembered?
David Brent: Simply, as, the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met.

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Gareth: I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse.

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[Discussing Donna's relationship with Ricky]
Gareth: It's not as if she's your daughter or anything though...
David Brent: No but that's not the point. It's the principle, it was about respect.
Gareth: Showing a bit of respect...
David Brent: And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws, so...
Gareth: Showing respect by obeying the law. She's legal, though.
David Brent: What?
Gareth: When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking. When girls are sixteen they're ready for...
David Brent: "Gareth."

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Gareth: I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.

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[Brent believes anything with the Queen's image should be currency]
David Brent: In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.
Tim: Yeah, that'd happen.
Gareth: Well, if he doesn't, report him.
Tim: Yeah, I'll report him while I'm walking home.
Gareth: Get a taxi, if you've got enough stamps.
Dawn: Or cash 'em in at the Post Office.
David Brent: Shouldn't have to. Shouldn't have to.

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[Dawn and Tim are getting a laugh out of pretending Gareth is gay]
Tim: We were wondering if a military man like you, a soldier, er, could you give a man a lethal blow?
Gareth: If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary, if he was attacking me.
Tim: What if he was coming, really hard?
Gareth: Yeah, if my life was in danger, yeah.
Dawn: And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take a man from behind?
Gareth: Either ways easy.
Dawn: So you could take a man from behind?
Gareth: Yeah.
Dawn: Lovely.

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[Donna & Ricky's relationship has been exposed]
Donna: So now you know.
David Brent: Yep. Brilliant.
Donna: What? You got a problem with Ricky?
David Brent: No, no, sleep with everyone in the office. He's not even a permanent member of staff. I'd have preferred it if you'd slept with Gareth.
Donna: It wouldn't happen.
David Brent: Oh Why? 'Cos he didn't go to university?
Donna: No, 'Cos he's a little weasel-faced arse.
David Brent: Yeah, you could do worse then Gareth. He hasn't missed one day in this office due to ill health. And don't call my second-in-command an arse-faced weasel, please?
Donna: A weasel-faced arse.
David Brent: Same thing.
Donna: Well no it's not. Gareth would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel?
Gareth: A weasel probably.

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Gareth: You're so immature.
Tim: [Making a phone call] Oh Gareth, If there is one thing that I am not, it is immature.
Gareth: You are an immature little tosser.
[Gareth's Mobile rings he answers it]
Gareth: Gareth Keenan.
Tim: [Childishly into his phone] Cock.
[Gareth slams his mobile down]

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David Brent: Have you heard George Michael's latest release?
Tim: No.
David Brent: No? George Michael's latest song... his release, though...
Tim: Is it about blow jobs?
David Brent: Yeah, that thing in the toilet. It was a hand job...
Donna: Is it 'Wank Me Off Before You Go-Go'?

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Gareth: All right then Einstein if you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?
Tim: You're thinking how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?
Gareth: No.
Tim: You're thinking if I crash land in the jungle can I survive by eating my own shoes?
Gareth: No and no you can't.
Tim: What are you thinking Gareth?
Gareth: "I was thinking will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster then a shark?

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Gareth: That's one reason why gays shouldn't be allowed into the army. Because if we're in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy, or is he going to be looking at me and going "Ooh. He looks tasty in his uniform". And I'm not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CDs. You'll see Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.

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David Brent: I gave a speech only this morning to my staff assuring them that there would not be cutbacks at this branch and there certainly wouldn't be redundancies, so...
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Well, why on Earth would you do that?
David Brent: Why? Oh, don't know. A little word I think's important in management called morale.
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: Well, surely it's going to be worse for morale in the long run when there ARE redundancies and you've told people that there won't be.
[pause]
David Brent: They won't remember.

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[Gareth's phone rings. He puts it on Speaker]
Gareth: Gareth Keenan. Hello.
Ange: Hi baby. It's Ange.
[Tim, Dawn and Rachel all look up, alarmed to hear a woman's voice]
Gareth: [embarrassed] All right.
Ange: Are you coming round tonight?
Gareth: I can't I'm going up Chasers with the lads.
Ange: Oh come round first. We'll have a bit of time together.
Gareth: All right.
Ange: Have some fun.
Gareth: Yep. Okay.
Ange: Are you going to bring the toys again?
[Gareth embarrased, hurriedly picks the phone up]
Gareth: Erm, Yeah... okay... yeah... look forward to... doing it to you too. All right, bye.
[Gareth puts the phone down. There is a stunned silence]
Tim: The Toys?
Gareth: Shut up.
Tim: What are the toys? Is it Buckaroo? It's not Boggle is it?
Gareth: Shut up.
Tim: If it's Kerplunk I'm coming round.
Gareth: It was a private phone call, so...
Tim: Well, don't put it on speakerphone then Gareth.
[turns round to talk to Rachel]
Tim: Yeah the Jolly Farmer sounds good...
[turns back to Gareth]
Tim: Is it Hungry Hippos?

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David Brent: If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain - do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

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David Brent: People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: "you're not fooling anyone", they know I'm rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That's the way- not orthodox, I don't live by "the rules" you know. And if there's one other person who's influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it's Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say "that's what I think of your selection policy, yes I've hit the odd copper, yes I've enjoyed the old dooby, but will you piss off and leave me alone, I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics."

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David Brent: You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you're dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is 'Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?' That's where I come in. You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don't do it so they turn round and go 'Thankyou David for the opportunity, thankyou for the wisdom, thankyou for the laughs.' I do it so, one day, someone will go 'There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him.'

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David Brent: I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going 'Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?' No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like... me. My world does not end within these four walls, Slough's a big place. And when I've finished with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell, you know I've got to-Didcott, Yately. You know. My-Winersh, Taplow. Because I am my own boss, I can-Burfield. I can wake up one morning and go 'Ooh, I don't feel like working today, can I just stay in bed?' 'Ooh, don't know, better ask the boss.' 'David can I stay in bed all day?' 'Yes you can David.' Both me, that's not me in bed with another bloke called David.

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Gareth: Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. I don't want you to think of me as your boss...
Donna: Well, you're not.
Gareth: Well, I'm higher up than you, so I am. What I'm saying is, don't think of me as a boss, but know that I am.
Gareth: I don't think you are.
Gareth: [getting really defensive] Well, I'm team leader, so I am. I'm higher up than you.

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David Brent: Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty... satisfaction. That's what I'm... you know. Trust people and they'll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.

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Gareth: I'm just saying there should be tests
Tim: We're all ears Gareth
Gareth: Well I don't know, when they go down the DSS to make a claim then they should set off a fire alarm fake fire alarm, everybody legs it out the office leaving them there. If they're fake they'll be up and running with them, if they're real they'll be left there screaming for help.

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Dawn: A real relationship isn't like a fairy tale, if you think that for the next forty years, every time you see each other you're going to glow, or, every time you hold hands there's going to be electricity, then, you're kidding yourself really. What about reliability, or er, someone paying the mortgage, or someone who's never been out of work. Those are the more important, practical things, you know. In reality.

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David Brent: They're malleable, and you know that's what I like really, you know. I don't like people who come here: 'Ooh, we did it this way, we did it that way'. I just wanna go do it this way. If you like. If you don't... Team playing-I call it team individuality, it's a new, it's like a management style. Again guilty, unorthodox, sue me.

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David Brent: The reason I put "If it's in you, I'll find it" is, if I waste good time and money looking for it, and see it's definitely not in you, I don't wanna be sued 'cos you haven't got it, so, you know, not gonna get me on that.

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David Brent: If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton... (struggles for word). I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.

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Tim: It's like an alarm clock's gone off, and I've just got to get away. I think it was John Lennon who said: "Life is what happens when you're making other plans.", and that's how I feel. Although he also said: "I am the Walrus I am the eggman" so I don't know what to believe.

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Gareth: People look at me, they say he's tough, he was in the army he's gonna be hard, by the book. But I am caring, and sensitive. Isn't Schindler's list a brilliant film?

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Dawn: He proposed on a Valentine's day, although he didn't do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said 'Lee love Dawn, marriage?' which you know, I like, because it's not often you get to something that's both romantic and thrifty.

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David Brent: There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go 'ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.

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Gareth: We go there every Wednesday night, and it's a fun place, but it's full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You've been under attack for days, there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in, 'who's used all the penicillin?' 'Oh, Mark Paxon sir, he's got knobrot off some tart'

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Gareth: I'm not worried for me, I'll be all right, but if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean, that's just natural selection, in the wild some people wouldn't survive. Imagine a warehouse, where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. He can't see over the top, he's got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals, cos of his little legs. I mean, don't get me wrong, Anton's a lovely bloke, but should he be working here?

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Tim: Slough's nightlife is incredible; it's got two nightclubs, it's got Chasers and New York, New York. They call it the nightclub that never sleeps. That closes at one. There was, oh my god, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eights. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bol-inn, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said mind your head, nice, and underneath someone had written 'And don't get your Hampton Court.' It's not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

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David Brent: When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive.

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David Brent: This is the poem Slough, by Sir John Betjemen, probably never been here in his life. 'Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, it isn't fit for humans now.' Right, I don't think you solve town planning problems by dropping bombs all over the place, he's embarrassed himself there. Next 'In labour saving homes with care, their wives frizz out peroxide hair, and dry it in synthetic air, and paint their nails-' they wanna look nice, what's the matter, doesn't he like girls? 'And talks of sports and makes of cars, and various bogus Tudor bars, and daren't look up and see the stars, but belch instead.' What's he on about? What, has he never burped? 'Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, to get it ready for the plough. The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales-' He's the only cabbage round here. And they made him a night of the realm. Overrated.

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[Brent is drunk in his motel room]
David Brent: But, you know, Neil will make one too many mistakes. Head Office will see what I already knew, and they go in there, they will march in there. They go, Right, yeah, David was right. You've pissed off him and you've pissed off him. You're not the manager you thought you were. Okay. So get out, we made the mistake. Then they drag him out by his hair and that's when the begging starts. They'll come to me and say, Ooh, David you were right all along, you were the right man for this job, you're the best man for this job. Will you come back? I'll be like, yeah sure how much money have you got? Because this is going to cost you, this is going to cost you.

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David Brent: Don't assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

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David Brent: Let's agree to disagree.
Neil Godwin: No. Let's agree that you agree with me.

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David Brent: Is this why you're around all the time? Keeping tabs on me? I don't need a babysitter, you know, so...
Neil Godwin: Well, with respect David, I think you do.

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[Rachel sits on Tim's desk]
Gareth: Excuse me. Desk procedures. Chairs are for sitting on.
Rachel: I think he's a bit jealous he's not getting the view you're getting.
Gareth: Wrong: I've got the arse this side so I'd only wanna be sitting where he's sitting if you were wearing a skirt so I could look up... at it.

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[Brent is reading Dawn his poem, Excalibur]
David Brent: I froze your tears, and made a dagger / and stabbed it in my cock, forever / it stays there like Excalibur / Are you my Arthur? Say you are.
Dawn: Good...
David Brent: Take this cool dark steeled blade / steal it, sheathe it in your lake / I'd drown with you to be together / Must you breath? 'Cause I need heaven.
Dawn: Ahhhh... it's powerful.
David Brent: Very. And double meanings - did you get the double meanings?
Dawn: I did.

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Neil Godwin: I don't let anyone talk to me the way you just did - not my staff, not my boss, no one - certainly not you.

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[Dawn is coming back from America for the office Christmas party]
Tim: Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing her again, of course. She's my friend, and she's a good friend, and no, I don't know exactly how I'll feel. I'll feel like a friend feels, whatever that is, you know, but as I said, I'm not going to ask her again! Come on!
[pauses, grins]
Tim: I might ask her again. No, I won't, I won't. She would have to do the asking.

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David Brent: Donna, yeah? My responsibility. Away from home. I know boys will be boys...
Gareth: Hands off.
David Brent: Yeah.
Gareth: Out of bounds.
David Brent: Yeah.
Gareth: Look but don't touch.
David Brent: (Annoyed) What d'you mean by 'look'.
Gareth: Talk to her, be friendly, don't get any ideas.
David Brent: Yeah. Good.
Gareth: Yeah.
[pause]
Gareth: What if she's up for it?

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Gareth: Yes, I've had office romances. Not here. At another place I worked at. Good-looking ones, as well. But they're not a good idea, office romances. It's like shitting on your own doorstep. I've had loads of offers here, but I go 'no way, distracting'. And that's actually one of the major arguments against letting gay men into the army. And I haven't got a problem with that, right. A gay man's not gonna put me off, I can look after myself. But if you're in battle is he gonna be looking at the enemy or at me, going "Ooh... he looks tasty in his uniform"

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Gareth: I'm not homophobic, all right? Come around, look at my C.D collection. You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.

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David Brent: How old would you say I was, if you didn't know me?
Employee: Forty?
David Brent: No, how old do you think I look?
Employee: Ummm... thirty-nine?
David Brent: Most people think I look about thirty.
Employee: Definitely not.
David Brent: Oh, are you calling them liars? How old do YOU think I look?
Oliver: Between thirty and forty?
David Brent: Yes. More honest.

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Gareth: If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me. I've got about five different sets. Don't try to beat me at Monster Trucks, though, 'cos you won't. My speciality.
Rachel: Yeah, it's a game of chance though, isn't it? It's what you...
Gareth: No, it's not. I would know what cards you've got immediately just through what cards I've got. I used to play it by myself, with a dummy hand just testing out every different scenario of which cards would beat which other cards for hours, sometimes three or four at a time. But put in the work, the rewards are obvious. So I'd know exactly what card you've got in your hand from what cards I've got and I would know, probability wise, exactly what feature to pick on my card to defeat, statistically, any card that you could have in your hand at that precise moment. You will never win.
[pause]
Gareth: Could still be fun, though.

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Dawn: I'd be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected. My old school recently had a reunion, which I didn't go to, but one girl in my class it turns out, right, she is now running her own Internet auction website, making a fortune, and is happily married to a marine biologist. She used to eat chalk.

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Tim: [voiceover] The people you work with are just people you were thrown together with. Y'know, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them thanyou do your friends or your family.
[Now on screen, talking to interview camera]
Tim: But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk round on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with - yeah, and Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life - it can mean a lot. But if I'm really being honest, I never really thought it would have a happy ending. I don't know what a happy ending is. Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments. And um, if you turn the camera off, it's not an ending is it? I'm still here. My life is not over. Come back here in ten years. See how I'm doing then. 'Cause I could be married with children, you don't know. Life just goes on.

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Tim: The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day.

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Tim: If you look at life like rolling a dice, then my situation now, as it stands - yeah, it may only be a 3. If I jack that in now, go for something bigger and better, yeah, I could easily roll a six - no problem, I could roll a 6... I could also roll a 1. OK? So, I think sometimes... Just leave the dice alone.

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David Brent: You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

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