Meet the Fockers (2004)
Pam Byrnes: In a few weeks, I'm not going to be Pam Byrnes. I'm going to be Pamela Focker.
Greg Focker: Or Byrnes-Focker, we haven't totally decided yet.
Pam Byrnes: No, no, no, I'm going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I know how that sounds but that's the name I'm taking.
Jack Byrnes: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.
Jack Byrnes: What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?
Roz Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?
Bernie Focker: You people?
Dina Byrnes: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Jack Byrnes: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Greg Focker: Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.
Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Greg Focker: Mom.
Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?
Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.
Jack Byrnes: And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.
Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Roz Focker: Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
Jack Byrnes: The Little Jack in me?
[Greg is getting extremely frusrated]
Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.
Jack Byrnes: Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.
Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?
[everyone is quiet]
Greg Focker: Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
[the Fockers' outgoing message]
Bernie Focker: Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off?
Roz Focker: I have no idea. Just press a button.
Bernie Focker: All right, I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?
Roz Focker: I thought they give you gas.
Bernie Focker: A little bit, but it's worth it.
Roz Focker: Yeah, worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes.
Bernie Focker: Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga!
Roz Focker: So make a chimichang...
Jack Byrnes: Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truely important. Do you know what that is?
Greg Focker: Love... friendship... enjoying the moment... living... just love.
Jack Byrnes: His legacy.
Greg Focker: That, too. Right, yeah. Sure.
Jack Byrnes: Let me put it very simply. If your family's circle does indeed join my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.
Bernie Focker: Is this not the most handsome young man you've ever seen in your life? Used to call him a young Jewish Marlon Brando. Can you believe I conceived him with one testicle? No really, it's true. I only have one because the other one never dropped. It's called an undescending testicle. It's uh, not uncommon. But look at him! Imagine what he would've looked like if I had two!
Jack Byrnes: We use the Ferber method.
Bernie Focker: We use the Focker method. We hugged and kissed that little boy like there was no tomorrow. We Fockerized him.
Greg Focker: What happened last night?
Pam Byrnes: Well, you got drunk and told my dad I'm pregnant, you revealed you have a 15 year old son named Jorge, and oh, apparently you have the hots for my mom.
Jack Byrnes: I'm not so sure this wedding is such a good idea. I don't like what I'm seeing from these Fockers.
Officer LeFlore: [to Bernie and Greg] I need you to... remain... on... the vehicle!
Roz Focker: I'm wondering why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest!
[Jack is in the RV ready to leave the island but Bernard is lying down in front of the RV so he won't leave]
Jack Byrnes: [over loudspeaker] Bernard, get out from under the vehicle or I will run you over.
Bernie Focker: I'm not moving, Jack. There's a non-violent way to handle this.
[after the Byrnes' cat flushes the Fockers' dog down the toilet]
Roz Focker: Your cat can flush?
Greg Focker: You meet some of the... eh... some of the cousins?
Jack Byrnes: I met some, yes. I met some... Dom?
Greg Focker: Yeah, Dom Focker, that's my dad's... uh... first cousin. You meet his kids, Randy and Orny?
Bernie Focker: If its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down... Oops, forgot my own rule.
[flushes the toilet]
Greg Focker: It's great to be here with all of you as I am about to set sail in my ship of life with my first mate, the beautiful, young blonde lass over there. Hey baby.
[blows her a kiss]
Greg Focker: I still masturbate to Pam.
Pam Byrnes: Greg.
Greg Focker: What? It's true. Honey, what? C'mon, you're hot. Look at her! Look at those boobs. Man! I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and just
[shakes head making motorboat noise]
Greg Focker: . Man, I just want to nestle in there and take a little vacation in there.
Pam Byrnes: Honey.
Greg Focker: Honey, what? I'm sorry. Okay, excuse me for you being perfect! Hey, you know who else is great? That woman over there, my future mother-in-law, Dina Byrnes! Dina Dina Bo-Bina Banana Fana Fo Fina. I love D-D-Dina Byrnes! You know they say if you really want to know what a woman's going to look like when she gets older, you should look at her mother. Well I'm lookin' and I'm likin'! Woo, look at her! Sweetness!
Greg Focker: Good genes. Byrnes gene pool.
Greg Focker: Hey, hey you! Hold on. Pam, I gotta tell you something about this little dude right here. In my first really passionate sexual awakening, I did, in fact lose my virginity to our beautiful housekeeper Isabel.
Pam Byrnes: Greg, honey, that was in the past so why don't you just come sit down?
Greg Focker: No, no, no, no, honey. 'Cause I have to get this off my chest. Really. We concieved a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. Come up here. Let's lift the veil of mystery. The fruit of my loins is right here! Everybody take a look. See his face. He is mine. Search your feelings Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa.
Greg Focker: It's okay. I know. Lot of information. You let it settle. Who'da thunk it, huh? Come on, give that kid a hand. Oh, and Jack? Pam's pregnant. Focker out.
Greg Focker: Hey, Dad, you shouldn't take Moses into the RV. Jack and Dina have a cat.
Bernie Focker: Oh, Moses is fine. He's perfectly trained.
Greg Focker: Dad, he humps everything that moves.
Roz Focker: [laughing] He's like your father!
Bernie Focker: I never cheated on you!
Dina Byrnes: Sweetheart, do we really have to hurry like this?
Jack Byrnes: Oh, yes. We have to pull a little covert operation here. The bandleader says we've got approximately 23 minutes until it's time to cut the cake.
Roz Focker: How's your sex life?
Dina Byrnes: I can't tell you that!
Roz Focker: I'm a professional. Dina, I'm a sex therapist specializing in senior sexuality.
Dina Byrnes: I knew those weren't yoga mats!
Roz Focker: No.
Dina Byrnes: Well, we're not twenty five... anymore.
Roz Focker: But you're not dead either! Lots of couples our age lack intimacy...
Dina Byrnes: I didn't say we weren't intimate, there are special occasions. Anniversaries and... well, on our anniversary.
Roz Focker: Oy, neesh geete!
Dina Byrnes: What?
Roz Focker: Not good!
Bernie Focker: [after tackling Roz, while playing football] Remember the time in the park? Remember the time in the park?
Greg Focker: [singing] And if that mockingbird don't sing, then... Greg is gonna buy you a... diamond ring. And if that diamond ring gets sold, then... Greg is gonna feel like a... big asshole.
Little Jack: ...Asshole!
Greg Focker: [surprised] !... No... oh, no, you don't wanna say that word, cause that's a bad word!
Little Jack: Asshole!
Greg Focker: [about the coach loudspeaker] I like that thing. Hey, mind if I, uh make a little announcement?
Jack Byrnes: Only the captain gets to make an announcement, Greg.
Jack Byrnes: You want to honk the horn?
Greg Focker: Um, sure.
Jack Byrnes: Only the captain gets to honk the horn.
Greg Focker: They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing.
[they all laugh]
Jack Byrnes: Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?
Greg Focker: [silence] They wouldn't.
Roz Focker: [giving Jack a Hawaiian massage] You are a caged lion! But lions can't be captive their entire lives. They have to be free to roam the bush. Free and wild! Your wife is a hot sexy tigress and she's waiting for you to pounce on her! Let me hear you roar, baby, roar! Your body is talking to me. It's hungry for action! I can feel it. Unleash the beast inside you, Jack!
Jack Byrnes: You knew she was pregnant?
Dina Byrnes: We all did, Jack.
Pam Byrnes: Daddy, I was going to tell you after the wedding, I swear.
Jack Byrnes: This is the reason I created the circle of trust so we could discuss these things.
Pam Byrnes: But the circle isn't going to work if you don't trust anyone that's in it, Dad.
Greg Focker: This isn't about you, alright? It's not about either of you. It's about me and Pam. We're getting married. That's it. We're starting our own circle of trust. And guess what.
[points to both of them]
Greg Focker: You're not in it.
Jack Byrnes: You can't start a circle of trust. It's my circle.
Greg Focker: You know what, you don't have a patent on the circle, Jack. And by the way, you're not even in your own circle right now.
Jack Byrnes: That is untrue! I say who's in or out of the circle!
Bernie Focker: Well I'm confused. Who's circle am I in?
Bernie Focker: [proposing a touch football game] Dina, you and I will take on Jack and Roz. Come on, Jack, it'll be fun - we'll swap wives.
[Bernie is laying under the RV to prevent Jack from leaving]
Jack Byrnes: Bernie, get out from under the car or I will run you over!
Bernie Focker: This is capoeira, man. This is some hardcore shit.
Jack Byrnes: [about Focker Isle] We have to get out of this place. It is EVIL.
Bernie Focker: You weren't around in the '60's! This is how we got things done!
Roz Focker: Well you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo, and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious but very powerful level.
Greg Focker: Mm-hmm. Mom, I'm truely not comfortable having this conversation with you.
Roz Focker: Tell me, what's going on with that man of yours?
Dina Byrnes: Well, Jack's always been a little wound up. His job is very stressful.
Roz Focker: Being a florist is stressful?
Dina Byrnes: There's more to it than people think.
Jack Byrnes: [holding up a card of a female nurse, Little Jack laughing] Sorry, Greg. It only comes in one gender.
Bernie Focker: [points to Jack] There's my brother from another mother!
Greg Focker: What's the sign for sour milk, 'cause this tastes a little... funky.
Jack Byrnes: That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.
Jack Byrnes: [Greg is cursing around Little Jack] I don't want his first word to be a profanity!
Bernie Focker: It's not about winning or losing. It's about passion. We just wanted him to love what he's doing. Know what I mean, Jack?
Jack Byrnes: Not really, Bernard. I think a competitive drive is the essential key that makes America the only remaining superpower in the world today.
Bernie Focker: Well, whatever works.
Pam Byrnes: Did you tell your mother that I'm pregnant? Because she keeps touching my stomach and smiling like that.
Greg Focker: No, I didn't tell her. She guessed.
Pam Byrnes: She what?
Greg Focker: Yeah, and then she told my dad.
Pam Byrnes: Oh, my God.
[Jack just finished taking a shower and opens the curtain to find Bernie sitting on the toilet]
Bernie Focker: Morning, partner!
Jack Byrnes: Morning.
Bernie Focker: Sleep okay?
Jack Byrnes: I slept alright, thank you.
Bernie Focker: [long pause as Bernie and the dog stare at Jack] It's nice all of us being here together, don't you think?
Jack Byrnes: Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy?
Bernie Focker: Almost done.
Bernie Focker: [hitting toilet with fire extinguisher] I gotta save my dog!
Jack Byrnes: Forget your dog, what about my toilet?
Bernie Focker: Do you want me to be macho wacho?
Greg Focker: Dad, have I ever said the words macho wacho to you?
Judge Ira: Bingo, Bango, Bongo!
Roz Focker: The man is loose, he's limber, and he's ready for action.
Roz Focker: You're avoiding confusion by strapping a boob on a man?
Jack Byrnes: Okay we can play 3 on 2, but we'll need someone to be official quarterback.
Bernie Focker: Gay goes both ways.
Jack Byrnes: Oh, I'll bet he does.
Dina Byrnes: Bernie, this frittata is wonderful, what's in it?
Bernie Focker: Well, a lot of the taste comes from this old skillet. I've never washed it.
Roz Focker: Nah, I'm bored. Come on, Dina. You want a Spritzer?
Dina Byrnes: What? Oh, a Spritzer. Sounds yummy.
Greg Focker: [to Little Jack] What? You don't like me. I don't like your little red outfit. It makes you look like a little demon baby. Maybe I'll get you a little pitchfork for Christmas, so we can put you on a can of Underwood ham. I'm sorry I can't make little poop sounds and I can't make little things that tell people when I want to do things. But I have a sign for you.
[sticks up middle finger]
Greg Focker: How's that for a sign?
Bernie Focker: At least I'm comfortable enough in my skin to cook for my family. Tell me when was the last time you gave your wife breakfast in bed? When was the last time you gave her anything in bed?
Jack Byrnes: Now you're outta line Focker.
Bernie Focker: No man you are outta line. You hurt my feelings there. There's no reason to hurt my feelings.
[looks at Greg and points to Jack]
Bernie Focker: He insulted me.
Dina Byrnes: [after Bernie has destroyed Jack's toilet to save Moses] Jack, he was just trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it had been Jinx who fell in the toilet?
Jack Byrnes: [matter-of-factly] Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to have done in a submergion.
Dina Byrnes: Oh, Jack, isn't it wonderful? The kids are *finally* getting married?
Jack Byrnes: [about Little Jack] Wait a second; I think he spoke!
[pushes Dina aside]
Jack Byrnes: Little Jack! Were you about to speak?
[Little Jack passes gas]
Jack Byrnes: It's nothing, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, Dina?
Dina Byrnes: It's a custom designed, climate-controlled motor coach.
Jack Byrnes: Jack calls it the Highlight of our Twilight.
Bernie Focker: You think you can take me, flower man?
Jack Byrnes: I think I can, Mr. Mom.
Bernie Focker: You're going down, Byrnesie Boy. I'm going to rearrange your bouquet.
Pam Byrnes: This weekend is going to be fun, and your parents are great.
Greg Focker: They're great in small doses.
Jack Byrnes: [from inside soundproof cockpit] Dina! Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino! Shake a leg, woman!
Greg Focker: [seeing the rear-camera view of the semi blinking its high-beams on and off to indicate impatience] Sorry, Buddy - gotta keep this rig under 55... Captain Jack's orders!
Roz Focker: How are things with you and Pam?
Greg Focker: They're great.
Roz Focker: They're great? Because after two years you have to work to keep things going. Does she still climax regularly?
Greg Focker: Mom, you can't talk that way this weekend, okay?
Roz Focker: Honey, I'm just saying I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.
Bernie Focker: Truth is, Jack, when Gay was born, I stopped practicing and became a stay-at-home dad.
Jack Byrnes: So Roz was the primary breadwinner and you didn't have a job.
Bernie Focker: Jack, tell me one smart thing the C.L.I.A. has done. I will give you the deed to her house.
Jack Byrnes: The C.L.I.A.?
Bernie Focker: Central Lack of Intelligence Agency!
Roz Focker: I think that baby might need a couple pulls on that knocker of your's, Jack.
Bernie Focker: Jack, you've insulted me, my wife, my son and our entire way of life. I've sat back and taken it, but now you've crossed the line, sir, and I am going to have to kick your ass.
Greg Focker: And do you talk yet, Mr. Munchkinhead?
[makes baby noises at Little Jack]
Jack Byrnes: Greg, Greg, Greg. Don't infantilize him. Talk to him like an adult.
Dina Byrnes: Muskrat.
Jack Byrnes: Huh?
Dina Byrnes: Muskrat, Jack.
Jack Byrnes: Oh right.
Jack Byrnes: Just try to understand, he's a little person. His communication skills aren't verbal yet, but he understands.
Roz Focker: [about Greg's circumcision ceremony] See that's Greg getting circumcised.
Bernie Focker: We had the ceremony at my parents' house. There was a cold snap and the heat conked out. Tell it.
Roz Focker: The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greggie's tiny little turtle from it's shell.
Greg Focker: You know what, let's not talk about the tiny turtle.
Jack Byrnes: Officer, do you mind telling me why you're arresting these men?
Officer LeFlore: Oh, mercy. It just gets better and better. This is none of your business, looky-loo!
Jack Byrnes: At ease, son. Put down the taser.
[pulls ID out]
Jack Byrnes: Jack Byrnes, C.I.A.
Officer LeFlore: C.I... what?
[looks at the ID]
Officer LeFlore: It says here you're retired. What are you gonna show me next, your AARP card.
Jack Byrnes: Now you listen to me, and you listen good...
Bernie Focker: What's he doing?
Greg Focker: Don't worry, he's going to get us out of this.
Jack Byrnes: You have no right to...
Officer LeFlore: Stand down, sir!
Jack Byrnes: No, I will not stand, you will stand down!
Officer LeFlore: I will not stand down!
Jack Byrnes: Oh, you will stand down or you will be walking a beat at a retirement home in Boyton Beach...
Officer LeFlore: [shoots Jack in the chest with the taser, Jack starts shaking] Remain calm!