Memorable quotes for
Meet the Fockers (2004) More at IMDbPro »

Jack Byrnes: Greg, a man reaches a certain age when he realizes what's truly important. Do you know what that is?
Greg Focker: Love, friendship... just love, I think.
Jack Byrnes: His legacy.
Greg Focker: That, too.
Jack Byrnes: If your family's circle joins in my family's circle, they'll form a chain. I can't have a chink in my chain.
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Bernie Focker: [proposing a touch football game] Dina, you and I will take on Jack and Roz. Come on, Jack, it'll be fun - we'll swap wives.
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Jack Byrnes: I'm not so sure this wedding is such a good idea. I don't like what I'm seeing from these Fockers.
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[after the Byrnes' cat flushes the Fockers' dog down the toilet]
Roz Focker: Your cat can flush?
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Bernie Focker: Can you believe I fathered him with just one testicle? Imagine how he would have turned out if I had had two.
Greg Focker: Yeah! Great ice breaker.
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Pam Byrnes: No! After next month, I am going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I... I know how that sounds but I don't care!
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Greg Focker: You meet some of the... eh... some of the cousins?
Jack Byrnes: I met some, yes. I met some... Dom?
Greg Focker: Yeah, Dom Focker, that's my dad's... uh... first cousin. You meet his kids, Randy and Orny?
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Bernie Focker: If its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down... Oops, looks like I forgot my own rule
[flushes the toilet]
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[Bernie is laying under the RV to prevent Jack from leaving]
Jack Byrnes: Bernie, get out from under the car or I will run you over!
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Bernie Focker: This is capoeira, man. This is some hardcore shit.
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Local Cop: He's got a rubber boobie!
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Jack Byrnes: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.
Jack Byrnes: What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?
Roz Focker: Yes.
Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?
Bernie Focker: You people?
Dina Byrnes: I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Jack Byrnes: Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Greg Focker: Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.
Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Greg Focker: Mom.
Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?
Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.
Jack Byrnes: And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.
Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Roz Focker: Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
Jack Byrnes: The Little Jack in me?
[Greg is getting extremely frusrated]
Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.
Jack Byrnes: Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.
Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?
[everyone is quiet]
Greg Focker: Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
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[repeated line]
Little Jack: Ass-'ole
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Isabel: He is a handsome little Focker!
Jack Byrnes: He's not a Focker.
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Greg Focker: [high on Truth Serum, giving a speech] Hello everybody. I am, uh, about to set sail on my ship... on the sea of life with my first mate - the beautiful Pamela Byrnes.
Pam Byrnes: Love you, baby!
[blows kiss]
Greg Focker: [drunkenly blows back kiss, pauses] I still masturbate to Pam. What? She's hot - check out those boobs. I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and rub my face in 'em. I could take a vacation in there. What? Gosh, sorry you're perfect! And there's another wonderful lady in the audience, my future mother-in-law Dina Byrnes! Dina-Dina-Bo-Bina-I-love-Dina! Byrnes! You know they say you can tell from looking at the mother what your wife will look like in the future - well, I'm looking, and I'm LIKIN...
[Spies Jorge]
Greg Focker: In my first... passionate sexual awakening, I made sweet sweet love to my housekeeper, Isabelle.
Pam Byrnes: Come on, honey, that was in the past, so sit down.
Greg Focker: No no no, baby - I gotta get this off my chest.
Pam Byrnes: Please... sit.
Greg Focker: We conceived a child. Come on up here, Jorge! This is the fruit of my loins. Come on - search your heart, you know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa! Yeah, I know, a lot of information to take in. Give that boy a hand. Oh, and Jack - Pam's pregnant. Focker out.
[passes out]
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Jack Byrnes: [about Focker Isle] We have to get out of this place. It is EVIL.
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[the Fockers' outgoing message]
Bernie Focker: Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off?
Roz Focker: I have no idea. Just press a button.
Bernie Focker: All right, I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?
Roz Focker: I thought they give you gas.
Bernie Focker: A little bit, but it's worth it.
Roz Focker: Yeah, worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes.
Bernie Focker: Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga!
Roz Focker: So make a chimichang...
[beep]
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Greg Focker: Hey, Dad, you shouldn't take Moses into the RV. Jack and Dina have a cat.
Bernie Focker: Oh, Moses is fine. He's perfectly trained.
Greg Focker: Dad, he humps everything that moves.
Roz Focker: [laughing] He's like your father!
Bernie Focker: I never cheated on you!
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Roz Focker: I'm wondering why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest!
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Bernie Focker: You weren't around in the '60's! This is how we got things done!
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Greg Focker: Look, Little Jack was crying so I picked him up and gave him some hugs. Then I went into the kitchen to answer the phone and when I came back, he had let himself out of the playpen, put on Scarface and glued his hands to the rum bottle. Ok?
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Dina Byrnes: Sweetheart, do we really have to hurry like this?
Jack Byrnes: Oh, yes. We have to pull a little covert operation here. The bandleader says we've got approximately 23 minutes until it's time to cut the cake.
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Bernie Focker: You fockerized them!
Roz Focker: Yeah!
Bernie Focker: I'm gonna fockerize you!
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Roz Focker: Yeah, and now it's up to 50 Fockers.
Jack Byrnes: 50 Fockers. What could be better?
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Greg Focker: Mom, I'm truly not comfortable having this conversation with you. I've been telling you that since I was eleven.
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Roz Focker: Tell me, what's going on with that man of yours?
Dina Byrnes: Well, Jack's always been a little wound up. His job is very stressful.
Roz Focker: Being a florist is stressful?
Dina Byrnes: There's more to it than people think.
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Roz Focker: How's your sex life?
Dina Byrnes: I can't tell you that!
Roz Focker: I'm a professional. Dina, I'm a sex therapist specializing in senior sexuality.
Dina Byrnes: I knew those weren't yoga mats!
Roz Focker: No.
Dina Byrnes: Well, we're not twenty five... anymore.
Roz Focker: But you're not dead either! Lots of couples our age lack intimacy...
Dina Byrnes: I didn't say we weren't intimate, there are special occasions. Anniversaries and... well, on our anniversary.
Roz Focker: Oy, neesh geete!
Dina Byrnes: What?
Roz Focker: Not good!
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Jack Byrnes: [holding up a card of a female nurse, Little Jack laughing] Sorry, Greg. It only comes in one gender.
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Bernie Focker: [points to Jack] There's my brother from another mother!
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Greg Focker: Focker, out.
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Jack Byrnes: I'm down here... under the bed.
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Greg Focker: What's the sign for sour milk, 'cause this tastes a little... funky.
Jack Byrnes: That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.
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Jack Byrnes: [Greg is cursing around Little Jack] I don't want his first word to be a profanity!
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Bernie Focker: It's not about winning or losing. It's about passion. You know what I mean, Jack.
Jack Byrnes: Not really, Bernard. I think personal competitive drive is the essential key that makes America what it is today.
Bernie Focker: Well, whatever works.
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Pam Byrnes: Did you tell your mother that I'm pregnant? Because she keeps touching my stomach and smiling like that.
Greg Focker: No, I didn't tell her. She guessed.
Pam Byrnes: She what?
Greg Focker: Yeah, and then she told my dad.
Pam Byrnes: Oh, my God.
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Jack Byrnes: [Jack just finished taking a shower and opens the curtain to find Bernie sitting on the toilet]
Bernie Focker: Howdy, partner! It's nice all of us being here together, isn't it?
Jack Byrnes: Bernie, do you mind if I have some privacy?
Bernie Focker: Almost done...
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Bernie Focker: [hitting toilet with fire extinguisher] I gotta save my dog!
Jack Byrnes: Forget your dog, what about my toilet?
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Bernie Focker: Do you want me to be macho wacho?
Greg Focker: Dad, have I ever said the words macho wacho to you?
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Judge Ira: Bingo, Bango, Bongo!
Roz Focker: The man is loose, he's limber, and he's ready for action.
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Roz Focker: You're avoiding confusion by strapping a boob on a man?
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Bernie Focker: [after tackling Roz, while playing football] Remember the time in the park? Remember the time in the park?
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Jack Byrnes: Okay we can play 3 on 2, but we'll need someone to be official quarterback.
Bernie Focker: Gay goes both ways.
Jack Byrnes: Oh, I'll bet he does.
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Dina Byrnes: Bernie, this frittata is wonderful, what's in it?
Bernie Focker: Well, a lot of the taste comes from this old skillet. I've never washed it.
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Roz Focker: Nah, I'm bored. Come on, Dina. You want a Spritzer?
Dina Byrnes: What? Oh, a Spritzer. Sounds yummy.
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Greg Focker: [to Little Jack] What? You don't like me. I don't like your little red outfit. It makes you look like a little demon baby. Maybe I'll get you a little pitchfork for Christmas, so we can put you on a can of Underwood ham. I'm sorry I can't make little poop sounds and I can't make little things that tell people when I want to do things. But I have a sign for you.
[sticks up middle finger]
Greg Focker: How's that for a sign?
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Bernie Focker: At least I'm comfortable enough in my skin to cook for my family. Tell me when was the last time you gave your wife breakfast in bed? When was the last time you gave her anything in bed?
Jack Byrnes: Now you're outta line Focker.
Bernie Focker: No man you are outta line. You hurt my feelings there. There's no reason to hurt my feelings.
[looks at Greg and points to Jack]
Bernie Focker: He insulted me.
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Greg Focker: [singing] And if that mockingbird don't sing, then... Greg is gonna buy you a... diamond ring. And if that diamond ring gets sold, then... Greg is gonna feel like a... big asshole.
Little Jack: ...Asshole!
Greg Focker: [surprised] !... No... oh, no, you don't wanna say that word, cause that's a bad word!
Little Jack: Asshole!
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Little Jack: Ash!hoole
Greg Focker: Jack's Mole! 'Cause grandpa Jack has a big mole on his cheek!
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Dina Byrnes: Muskrat
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Dina Byrnes: [after Bernie has destroyed Jack's toilet to save Moses] Jack, he was just trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it had been Jinx who fell in the toilet?
Jack Byrnes: [matter-of-factly] Mr. Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to have done in a submergion.
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Dina Byrnes: Oh, Jack, isn't it wonderful? The kids are *finally* getting married?
Jack Byrnes: [about Little Jack] Wait a second; I think he spoke!
[pushes Dina aside]
Jack Byrnes: Little Jack! Were you about to speak?
[Little Jack passes gas]
Jack Byrnes: It's nothing, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, Dina?
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Officer LeFlore: [to Bernie and Greg] I need you to... remain... on... the vehicle!
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Dina Byrnes: [about their trailer] I call it "The Hilight of the Twilight".
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Bernie Focker: You're going down, Byrnsie Boy! I'm gonna rearrange your bouquet!
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Pam Byrnes: This weekend is going to be fun, and your parents are great.
Greg Focker: They're great in small doses.
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Jack Byrnes: [from inside soundproof cockpit] Dina! Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino! Shake a leg, woman!
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