Beavis: Yeah well it's like, we'd all like to go home. Hell, I'd like to go home and spank my monkey! In fact, heh heh, that's a pretty good idea. So you two have to stay here and work late. Heh heh, and, um, Butt-head is in charge, because he's got..."sen-ror-ity" or something. Heh heh.
Butt-head: Uh, cool! Huh huh huh, clean the grill, McVicker!
Beavis: Dammit, what the hell is going on here? I'm trying to watch a porno, and you fartknockers keep interrupting me!
Butt-head: Uh, Charlie, could I like, have been born and stuff? Uh, please?
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, let's get out of here...
Stewart: Hey, no cutters buddy.
Butt-head: Shut up Stewart, come on Beavis, let's go.
Beavis: Uuuuummm, have we met before, sir?
Butt-head: It's me, you bunghole!
Beavis: Uuuummm, what's a bunghole?
Butt-head: You're a bunghole, bunghole!
Stewart: Hey, Cro magnon, you can't use a word to define one self.
Beavis: Yeah, Cro magnon.
Butt-head: I could TOO, bunghole, come on Beavis, let's go...
Beavis: Hey, let go pervert, we still have to give out Gingerbread Men.
Butt-head: Cut the crap Beavis, you still owe me a Dollar!
Beavis: Help, Help, who are you!?!
Beavis: Aaaah! Turn the TV back on!
Butt-head: No, Beavis, it's Christmas. Let's go find some chicks. Huh huh huh.
Buzzcut (Ghost of Christmas Future): Dammit, Boy, I'm going to knock some sense into you even if it means sticking a Christmas tree where the sun don't shine!
Beavis: Whoa. That could hurt. Heh heh.
Butt-head: In life, I was your partner. But now I'm some dead guy with cool chains.
Beavis: Really? Heh-heh. That's cool. Heh-heh-heh. Um, what are you doing in a porno?
Butt-head: I'm trying to score, what do you think? Huh huh huh. Huh-huh-huh.
[remembers his lines]
Butt-head: Um, oh, yeah - Tonight you will see some ghosts... or something. Huh-huh-huh. Later, dude.
Beavis: At least I'm not some old fat dude.
Tom Anderson (Ghost of Christmas Past): At least I'm trying to help you. You ain't never helped nobody.
Beavis: Yeah, well I'd like to help you get the hell outta here. Heh heh.
Tom Anderson (Ghost of Christmas Past): Boy I tell you what, you can lead a jackass to water but you can't make him drink.
Butt-head: Where's Beavis, huh-huh-huh?
Charlie: Beavis? I don't think you want to know.
Butt-head: That fartknocker owes me a dollar.
Charlie: I don't think you'll like it.
Butt-head: Damnit, where is he?
Charlie: He's at the homeless shelter with Stuart.
Butt-head: He's homeless? Cool, huh huh huh huh.
[Looking in the window of a convenience store]
Butt-head: Beavis, everything I need for the rest of my life is inside that store.
Beavis: Dammit, McVicker, quit screwing around! Or else I'll take you out back and I'll kick your ass!
Van Driessen (Ghost of Christmas Present): I want you to watch this.
Beavis: Cool. Are we gonna see some bare ass?
Van Driessen (Ghost of Christmas Present): No, Beavis.
Van Driessen: You see, Beavis, some people have very little to be happy about. But they're still celebrating the spirit of Christmas.
Beavis: He should get fired. You know, for stealing that food. Heh heh heh.
Van Driessen (Ghost of Christmas Presnt): Beavis, I think you should know that this is the only food the McVicker family has to eat. And because you're such a strict boss, his children may not be around to see next Christmas. Unless, you give him a raise so he can better provide for his family.
Beavis: No way! He's stealing. And that's a crime. And you want me to give him a raise? I'll fire his ass!
Van Driessen (Ghost of Christmas Present): Beavis, I can't force you to think a certain way, but I wish you would consider what I've tried to show you. Okay?
Santa Butt-Head: Well, Brian, if you want poop for Christmas, Santa Butt-head would be happy to come by and take a dump under your tree.
Beavis: Where's their kids?
Buzzcut (Ghost of Christmas Future): Beavis, don't you get it? They never had enough food to eat, thanks to you.
Beavis: Oh, wait a second, I get it. So they ate their kids?
Buzzcut (Ghost of Christmas Future): No, you idiot! They didn't have enough food for their kids. Dammit, Boy, I am trying to show you the future so you can still have time to make changes in your life and have an impact!
Beavis: The future? This isn't what the future is going to look like. It's gonna be really cool. It's gonna be like... There'll be, like, all these... like, devices... and laser guns...
Beavis Bot 7000: I'm back.
Butt-head: Thanks, Beavis, those customers were pissing me off.
Beavis Bot 7000: Shut up, Bung-hole.
[Shoots him with laser gun]
Beavis Bot 7000: Heh heh heh.
Santa Butt-Head: Dammit, Beavis, if you try to order me around again, I'm gonna your butt so hard it will turn inside out and come out your mouth. Huh huh huh. That would be cool. Huh huh huh.
Charlie: [Appearing on TV] Beavis and Butt-head, it's me, Charlie, your guardian angel. This is not a TV show and I am talking directly to Beavis and Butt-head.
Butt-head: This sucks.
[Changes the channel]
[on Christmas Eve, leaving Burger World to watch porno]
Beavis: I'm gonna unwrap my weiner.
Beavis: [Reading the quote carved on his grave] Heeeere..luuuu..ieees..beeee..aaaaay..beeee..aaay..vis, Whoa, check it out, there's some dead dude with the same name as me, heee..never..scoooh..red, he never scored, heh, what a loser.
Buzzcut (Ghost of Christmas Future): Dammit Beavis, this is YOUR grave stone, this is how you will end up if you don't make any changes in your life, and don't you see, you never did anything with your life, you never left the house, all you did was watch Pornography, and because of that, you NEVER SCORED!!!
[Pushes Beavis down the 6 ft. deep hole]
Beavis: Whoa, that sucks, maybe I am a little..maybe I was too...so like maybe it's time for me to like...
[goes on til the dream fades off]