The Shield (2002–2008)
Vic Mackey: Good cop and bad cop have left for the day. I'm a different kind of cop.
Holland Wagenbach: Oh, you've gotta be shittin' me.
Officer: You guys have anything to declare?
Vic Mackey: Just that is great to be back in the States.
Claudette Wyms: The evidence is lacking.
Vic Mackey: So is Dutchboy's dick but I'm not helping with that.
Vic Mackey: Hi. I'm detective Vic Mackey.
Cop: These your men?
Vic Mackey: It depends. What did they do?
[Trish wants Shane to go undercover as a gay hooker]
Shane Vendrell: [indicating Ronnie and Lem] Why can't one of them do it?
Detective Trish George: They don't look gay enough.
Vic Mackey: [to Julien about a suspect] He sees the uniform and runs? He did it.
Shane Vendrell: It was gonna be a surprise.
Vic Mackey: It is. A bad one.
Vic Mackey: Until now I've tolerated you. Come near my men again... I'm gonna lose patience.
Vic Mackey: What the hell are you doing?
Shane Vendrell: I'm not doing anything that we weren't doing before. I'm just pumping things up a level.
Vic Mackey: And what level is that? Prison?
[Shane doesn't answer]
Vic Mackey: All right, where's my investment now?
Shane Vendrell: It's all tied up in the coke shipment.
Vic Mackey: That coke that had Tio's guy bleeding from every orifice?
Corrine Mackey: This doesn't happen to other cops' families.
Vic Mackey: Pack up your shit and get on the first donkey back to home.
Vic Mackey: Well maybe in your own mind, amigo. But in the real world, I don't answer to you. Not today, not tomorrow, not even on Cinco de Mayo.
Detective Trish George: [to Vic after arresting a politician with a bag of sex toys] See anything I should take home?
Vic Mackey: [to Connie's sons' foster parents] I'm gonna be checking in on him from time to time. I better like what I see.
Mara Sewell: [to Vic about Shane] He works with you but he comes home to me.
Holland Wagenbach: If my tone sounds superior it's because I'm American and you're Greek!
Vic Mackey: Put your clothes on, get out of here, and change your taste in men.
Shane Vendrell: So, if I'm a cocksucker...
Ronnie Gardocki: What do you mean "if"?
Julien Lowe: [to the back-up cops] Vic's out back trying to get him to put the gun down.
Cop: Hope he doesn't try too hard.
Claudette Wyms: How'd the Strike Team do?
Detective Trish George: They did great.
Detective Trish George: That one's a naturally born undercover cum guzzler.
Shane Vendrell: [playfully] Hey, I heard that, bitch.
Vic Mackey: You still got that boyfriend?
Lauren Riley: You still got that wife?
Vic Mackey: No. You still got that boyfriend?
Shane Vendrell: The list is in a safe, in the Captain's office, in a POLICE STATION.
Lauren Riley: [dog barks, she puts a flag where the dog is] Body.
[dog barks, she puts a flag where the dog is]
Lauren Riley: Body.
[dog barks, she puts a flag where the dog is]
Lauren Riley: Body.
[dog barks, she puts a flag where the dog is]
Lauren Riley: Body.
[looks at Vic]
Lauren Riley: I need more flags.
Shane Vendrell: Can I get your autograph, man?
Vic Mackey: Yeah, like on a confession?
Singer: Who are you guys?
Shane Vendrell: Your biggest fans.
Claudette Wyms: You gonna be able to handle him?
Vic Mackey: Oh, yeah. I'll make him sing.
[Vic doesn't do anything and the suspect starts screaming]
Suspect: Help! Help! HELP!
David Aceveda: [walks in] What's going on in here?
Vic Mackey: [confused] Nothing.
[Aceveda glares at him]
Vic Mackey: Really.
Holland Wagenbach: What am I, the Strike Team now?
Claudette Wyms: What?
Holland Wagenbach: Well, that sounded like an order.
Claudette Wyms: No, it wasn't - Do you want to go?
Holland Wagenbach: Yeah, but it's nice to be asked.
Curtis 'Lemonhead' Lemansky: [about breaking into the safe] I don't like this.
Vic Mackey: Well pretend.
Vic Mackey: Since when did you get an ulcer?
Curtis 'Lemonhead' Lemansky: Since the Armenian mob started looking for me.
Vic Mackey: Partner up with a criminal? I can name one flaw in that plan.
Shane Vendrell: Only one?
Trish: Better than going home to an empty bed.
Vic Mackey: Well, I can't help you with that. At least, not tonight.
Vic Mackey: [to the Strike Team] Hey, option one is: we take him alive. But feel free to consider option two.
Holland Wagenbach: When was the last time you saw your dick without using a mirror?
[Shane and Ronnie are discussing a skin graft on Ronnie's face]
Ronnie Gardocki: They take skin from your butt...
Shane Vendrell: These jokes just write themselves.
Vic Mackey: You better figure out how much you hate me. And how you're going to deal with that. 'Cause I'm not going anywhere.
Claudette Wyms: Neither am I.
Holland Wagenbach: You're too young to quit.
Claudette Wyms: And I'm too old for this shit.
Vic Mackey: I'll never forget what you guys did for me.
Curtis 'Lemonhead' Lemansky: Don't worry, we won't let you.
Claudette Wyms: We both know. What happened to Ronnie, that's on you. It's all on you.
[Vic is trying to scare a suspect in a third floor apartment]
Vic Mackey: Write what I tell you.
[Vic puts a notepad and a pen in the suspect's hands]
Vic Mackey: L. I. F. E. New word, new word! S. U. X.
[rips off the page and puts it into the lapel pocket of the suspect's shirt, then leads him towards an open window]
Vic Mackey: Looks like you're going to die a bad speller.
[when confronting Shane about how the Strike Team could lose their jobs because Shane had lost the drugs they stole when he called in to his girlfriend's house to get laid]
Curtis 'Lemonhead' Lemansky: We're gonna all crash and burn because of you! I mean, Christ, dude, Amy's not even that hot!
Taylor: Are you gonna hold this third strike over me for the rest of my life?
Vic Mackey: I could lie to you. But I have far too much respect for you as a person. Yes I am!
Jojo Rizal: [to Shane] Hey, man, ya cock's out!
[Shane immediately looks down at his pants before realizing that the cockerel in the club house has run away]
Antwon Mitchell: From now on, when I say, "Suck my dick", you say, "You want me to lick your balls, Daddy?"
Vic Mackey: [to guy selling stuff out of his car] You having a sidewalk sale and didn't invite us, Taylor, I thought we was on yo mailing list.
Vic Mackey: [after he identified Ben Gilroy's body] How'd he die?
Medical Examiner: Take your pick. Cirrhosis, malnutrition, official cause was suffocation. Aspirated on his own vomit.
[looking at a file]
Medical Examiner: Christ, this guy was the Assistant Police Chief? What happened?
Vic Mackey: Take your pick.
Vic Mackey: [about Shane's baby, Jackson] Cute kid.
Shane Vendrell: Thanks. He's got his mother's looks.
Vic Mackey: Thank God!
Claudette Wyms: Oooooh. Busting crime one blunt at a time.
David Aceveda: [a rape victim is being difficult during an interrogation] I'll go play good cop.
Holland Wagenbach: I've already played good cop!
David Aceveda: Well, I'll play better cop.
Captain Monica Rawling: Let me guess - you're either with Vic Mackey or you're against him.
Vic Mackey: Keeps things simple.
David Aceveda: You're going to free a murderer so his mob boss can kill him?
Shane Vendrell: It sounded a lot better the way Vic explained it...
Holland Wagenbach: Is that a reporter?
Claudette Wyms: Yeah. Haven't you heard? Our captain's a "Latino to watch".
Holland Wagenbach: When's someone going to write an article about lanky white guys to watch?
Shane Vendrell: Looks like you wandered into the wrong prayer group, Frosty.
Curtis 'Lemonhead' Lemansky: Do we have a warrant?
Shane Vendrell: Just my winning smile!
[suspect vomits from 2nd floor, which hits Billings' shoulder]
Captain Steve Billings: Shit - goddammit, this is a new suit!
Holland Wagenbach: I am mature and distinguished - a lot of young women appreciate that.
Claudette Wyms: You really ought to cut back on the porn.
[Kavanaugh offers Aceveda some gum]
David Aceveda: No, thank you.
Lt. Tom Kavanaugh: Come on, this is a fresh pack - it's Juicy Fruit.
David Aceveda: [pause] I said no - thank you.
Lt. Tom Kavanaugh: You hold it out long enough, some people feel compelled to take the gum. It's a sign they'll crack under pressure.
David Aceveda: I know.
Holland Wagenbach: [about Danny's pregnancy] That's Vic's kid. I got 50 bucks in the pool.
Claudette Wyms: That's funny, I got 50 on you.
Vic Mackey: [after shooting a dog] Sir, I'm telling you, the kid had no choice. The dog was reaching. It was kill or be killed.
Captain Monica Rawling: Oh come on, Roy. The dog had a piece, he was gonna use it.
Vic Mackey: [to Dutch] Just attack it like you're hungry. Like the wolf.
Vic Mackey: [to witness] A lot of people wanna know what evil looks like.
Shane Vendrell: So, we cause a triple murder before breakfast, start a race war before dinner - that's uh, that's a pretty good day.
Holland Wagenbach: My ex wife was a drunk, you think if I hauled her off to happy hour every night, I could have saved my marriage?
Romero: I'll put my hand on the Bible.
Holland Wagenbach: Not as much fun as putting your hands on another man's wife.
Vic Mackey: [leaving interrogation room] Excuse me while I get a Kleenex for the rest of this sob story.
Officer Danielle "Danny" Sofer: [to Tina] It's bitches like you that make this job hard for the rest of us.
Holland Wagenbach: You ever hear of a Canadian super pot?
Vic Mackey: What, you looking to buy a bag?
[Holland asks Vic's help on a case]
Vic Mackey: Well, seeing as you and Claudette's Wonder Twin Powers aren't fully activated yet, I'll do you a favor and pick up the slack on this one.
Smitty: Why are you guys always coming to me with this shit?
Vic Mackey: Because you're the last honest guy we know.
Holland Wagenbach: If you're so special, how come a lowly civil servant like me just caught you?
Shane Vendrell: [Trying to provoke Antwon Mitchell in to attacking him so Shane could shoot him in self-defense] You know you got it all don't ya? You got money, you got power, *respect*!
Antwon Mitchell: Heh, the hillbilly's been listening to my speeches.
Shane Vendrell: It's too bad about your son though. I tell ya, if my little boy turned out to be a fag, I don't know what I would do. They say you're born that way. Were you doing his mother up the ass when you knocked her up?
Antwon Mitchell: One time, doing time, for a long time.
Shane Vendrell: That poor little kid. He's gonna be found face down in the shower with a back-full of shiv and an ass-full of cum. Word hits the street what's that gonna make you look like? I mean, yo people ain't caught in no homo vibe.
Antwon Mitchell: My people ain't your worry.
Shane Vendrell: Oh yeah? Well you know what? With all that money, all that power? At the end of the day you're still just a nigger. With a faggot-nigger son! and where's the respect in that?
Antwon Mitchell: [Eying Shane's gun in his holster, realizing that Shane is trying to provoke him, he sits back down and handcuffs himself to the table] Now... what were you saying about my nigger-faggot son?
Vic Mackey: Wipe those smiles off your faces ya shit heads. You don't score points with me bagging twelve year olds.
Holland Wagenbach: [about Vic Mackey] Why does everyone like that asshole so much?
Vic Mackey: Maybe it would help to recreate the crime: "Ai, Dios mio. I'm burning.". Hey, hey Smitty. Get these two to the morgue ASAP.
Vic Mackey: Why are you a better deal for me than Rondell?
Tio: I don't use my own product. Rondell does. More and more.
Vic Mackey: Ay, Mo. Your sister's ass really tastes as sweet as Alvarez here says it does? He wants to know what your momma's putting in the corn muffin.
Claudette Wyms: Right now Vic Mackey may look like a mighty big catch to you. Do the smart thing, son. Cut bait.
David Aceveda: It doesn't bother you, the things he does?
Claudette Wyms: I don't judge other cops.
David Aceveda: Mackey's not a cop. He's Al Capone with a badge.
Claudette Wyms: Al Capone made money by giving the people what they wanted. What people want these days is to make it to their cars without getting mugged. Come home from work and see their stereo is still there. Hear about some murder in the barrio, find out the next day the police caught the guy. If having all those things means some cop roughed up some spic or some nigger in the ghetto... well, as far as most people are concerned it's don't ask, don't tell.
Claudette Wyms: Since when do you speak Spanish?
Holland Wagenbach: I'm taking a class... I work in Los Angeles. Not knowing the language was limiting me from being the best detective I could be.
Shane Vendrell: The truth is like grits, you can't serve it up plain, you got to put a little salt on it.
Vic Mackey: [Listening to the Armenians] Huh... the Armenians... speak Armenian.
Detective Trish George: You like Chinese?
Vic Mackey: Sometimes.
Shane Vendrell: Sometimes brothers fight.
Mara Sewell: Why does Vic always treat you like the little brother?
Detective Trish George: Thanks for making me queen.
Vic Mackey: Enjoy your kingdom.
[Shane goes undercover as a gay hooker and comments on a passing truck's wheels]
Detective Trish George: Looks like our new guy knows a thing or two about rim jobs.
Curtis 'Lemonhead' Lemansky: [listening in the car] Ha ha... rim jobs.
Lauren Riley: They brought us out here because of a song?
Vic Mackey: Just think of it as quality time.