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Donal Lardner Ward
Donal Lardner Ward,
Jerry and Nick are two best buddies whose love lives have hit rock bottom, Jerry's especially, having just vomited all over his fiancée on a hot air balloon trip prior to proposing to her. To escape their troubles and find women, they book a trip on board a cruise-liner, unaware the travel agent has just played a horrid trick on them in retaliation for Nick offending his secret gay lover. And that's the trick; it's a gay cruise-liner for gay men to meet and mingle. Slowly but surely, the two main characters begin to realize this and in turn get into a lot of humorous predicaments. Written by
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Two straight guys end up on a gay cruise. I really, really wonder how anyone could have thought that this simple idea would make for a good and funny movie, but unfortunately a lot of people thought so and there we are.
I mean, in my opinion the worst kind of movies are bad comedies. I can live with bad action movies or bad horror movies or even bad dramas. But watching a really bad comedy is like getting beaten up. Other bad movies at least can make you laugh (sometimes) but if a comedy is really bad there's nothing left to enjoy.I can honestly say that "Boat Trip" is one of the worst comedies I have ever seen.
The story itself is awful and even worse, unbelievably predictable. There isn't a joke you don't see coming miles before it happens and it's always one you really wish won't happen, because it is such a bad one. But every joke here hits its bad mark and leaves you with nothing more to do than to stare at the screen in disbelief.
The whole "gay" issue is handled as bad as possible. There is not a single "normal" gay person on this ship. Everyone is a kind of a freak, dresses like a woman, makes exaggerated moves and is saying "uh" and "oh" and "ohoho" and "ohlala" and things like that all the time. Every cliché you can imagine about a gay man is implanted here and beaten so long until it's last drop of life vanishes. And it's all about sex. Everyone is kissing and touching and making sexual advances at everyone else. At the breakfast buffet there is an ice sculpture that looks like a bunch of penises. That's supposed to be funny.
When one character makes a change of mind from hating gays to being gay it is so unconvincing that 1 minute later he is running after one of the babes. When he asks a store clerk if they got any condoms, a dozen gay men hand him some condoms, because, you know, gay people need them, ho ho.
The other guy has to act as if he's gay so he can sleep with the girl he loves (don't ask about the logic). When they do so under an orange tree, oranges fall down, so that afterward they are covered in about 100 oranges. He also does a dance show as a drag queen for about 3 minutes. Everyone is shocked or disgusted about being gay, no matter if it's a man or a woman. Imagine that: this movie is about gays and it isn't even sure what to think of them. When one guy starts philosophizing that gay people may not be so bad after all you're almost ready to believe him. This movie is as sexist, homophobic and horny as a movie can be.
The characters are unbelievable cut-out stereotypes played by untalented actors with no conviction at all. Yes, there is Cuba Gooding Jr. who, let's face it, is not a talented person and hasn't done a good film since "Jerry Maguire" and "As Good As It Gets". His fat, stupid partner is one of the worst actors in this movie. Victoria Silvstedt plays one of the super babes by showing as much as she can without undressing. Roger Moore wanders through the movie as a kind of preacher who wants everyone to become gay and says one line that is unforgettable. Before parachuting out of a plane he really says: "I was in the service for her majesty once." That hurts. There is Vivica A. Fox on auto-pilot, Bob Gunton in a 5-second bit (nevertheless credited in the opening credits), Richard Roundtree in a 10-second-bit (dito) and Lin Shaye as the babes' trainer and at the same time as the most painful-to-watch person in this film. Roselyn Sanchez as the love interest-girl is the only one who doesn't make you cringe every time you see her. But maybe that's just her looks and who cares anyway?
There is nothing good in this movie, nothing at all. The music is stupid (with references to "West Side Story", of course), the gay men wear colorful dresses, women's clothes or leather suits, the women wear bikinis or see-through dresses and even the extras are unconvincing. Uneccessary to ask how two loser guys can pay for such a luxury trip. Or why Roselyn can jump into a pool and dry in 2 seconds afterward. Or why she says she likes being on a ship with gay men because then she doesn't have to care about her make-up or her clothes when, while saying that, she wears a lot of make-up and very sexy clothes.
Two scenes of unbelievable stupidity are worth mentioning. In one the fat guy somehow has sex with the babes' trainer instead with one of the babes. How this worked I don't know, since the room is obviously lit, so that you see exactly who's lying in the bed, but he nevertheless crawls between her legs, which leads to the two fighting across the room, while the trainer gets orgasmic when being shot through the room with a fire extinguisher.
The other, absolutely worst scene, shows Roselyn Sanchez showing Cuba Gooding Jr. how she satisfies a man orally and she does it with a banana for about 2 minutes. The scene ends with Cuba Gooding Jr. ejaculating out of the window on the face of one half of a gay couple. This scene was one of the most painful scenes I ever had to watch in a cinema and the temptation to walk out has never been bigger.
This movie is simply dead in the water in every way. Avoid it at all costs, please. Let the makers know what they did to the world by making this movie. Have mercy with yourself.
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