According to Jim (2001–2009)
Cheryl: [on Jim's behavior] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.
Cheryl: Jim, are you listening to yourself?
Jim: Yes I am, Cheryl. I *am* a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time!
Jim: Do you want Cheryl to make you a sandwich?
Dana: I don't think that'll help, Jim.
Jim: [pause] Do you want to make *me* a sandwich...?
Gracie: Trophies are stupid and all the others are nerds. It's like being with 50 other Uncle Andys.
Cheryl: [Cheryl is desperate to talk Jim out of wanting something, and is trying to think of things to replace it] How about... sex with another woman?
Jim: [brief pause] You or me?
Jim: [under his breath] That's the great thing about you, honey... you remember every freakin' thing I say.
Ruby: Daddy, since Gracie won, can Kyle and I have popsicles?
Jim: How does that work?
Ruby: She's our sister, we're part of her posse.
Kyle: I want a sponge bath, from a nurse.
Kyle: Uncle Andy says there the best!
Jim: I think sometimes Andy forgets that Kyle's in the back seat.
Gracie: How do you knock someone up?
Cheryl: Well, you know how you knock someone down. Well, it's the opposite of that.
Gracie: [to Ruby] Hey, let's go knock Kyle up!
Dana: I'm trying my best to stay neutral, like Switzerland
Cheryl: You mean creepy Switzerland that hid nazi money?
Dana: No, I mean fun Switzerland with the watches, and the chocolate
Dana: [to Cheryl] You're cake angry. You didn't sound cake angry on the phone.
Dana: [to Cheryl] If your gonna cry for anyone, cry for me. I'm the one who's gonna have to babysit a fourth kid for free one day.
Andy: [telling Jim that he's found the bird they didn't want to find] Jim! B-I-R-D A-T S-I-X O-'-C-L-O-C-K!
Jim: [confused] ... You want to have sex with a clock?
Dana: [trying to distract their mother] Mom, I, uh... I kissed a girl in college!
Andy: Uh... me too!
Maggie: Andy, don't tell stories.
Dana: [whilst dancing with Andy] Wow, Andy, it's like someone connected your legs to your brain.
Cheryl: Jim, there's a lot of culture in this city. We should take advantage of it.
Jim: What? I take you to the zoo.
Andy: I once walked in on my grandparents doing it. I mean, Grandpa's in his 70's, but he was really putting Nana through her paces.