One on One (2001–2006)
Arnaz Ballard: [singing] Baltimore Woman! Stay away from me. / Baltimore Woman! Apartment 203! / Take my chances, hit the door! / I don't want see your face no more! Now woman!
Breanna Barnes: Uh, I'm in Apartment 8.
Arnaz Ballard: First you ruin our friendship, now my song!
Arnaz Ballard: [after Arnaz promises Flex that he can get a celebrity for Breanna's birthday party] So, your mom can definitely hook this up?
Arnaz Ballard: No doubt! But if I do this, I'm going to need a favor from you.
Mark "Flex" Washington: I am NOT pimping my daughter.
Arnaz Ballard: I would never be stupid enough to ask you to, sir. But when that magical day does come, and I ask you for your daughter's hand in marriage, I just ask that you give us your blessing.
Mark "Flex" Washington: Arnaz, if that day ever comes, I will give you my blessing. And then locusts will devour the earth.
[opening theme song]
Chorus: Sometimes in this life, you can feel all by yourself / But I have a partner, when I can't trust no one else / So don't isolate yourself, when there's nobody around / I'll be there through thick and thin, what a true love we have found, me & you / One on one / Can't nobody break this bond / Living One on one, One on one / Life has just begun, now we're having fun / One on one, yeaaaah / One on one!
Breanna Barnes: My God, he's getting dumber by the minute. What did I ever see in him?
[Spirit lifts up Arnaz's shirt to show his abs]
Breanna Barnes: And, I'm back in.
[a canary baseball mascot insults Duane]
Duane Odell Knox: Aww somebody's about to get plucked TONIGHT!
Duane Odell Knox: After five years of correspondence, I am finally meeting the love of my life, Darlene.
Mark "Flex" Washington: Hold on, is that the woman you met on PrisonPal.com? I thought you said she was still serving time for assault?
Duane Odell Knox: It is not her fault that the security guard that she tied up just happened to have a heart problem. The fact is, she's being paroled and she's spending her first weekend with me at my place.
Breanna Barnes: Aw, that's a good idea. After staying at your place, a halfway house won't seem so bad.
Breanna Barnes: [Running in with Spirit and displaying their outfits] Okay, Grandma, what do you think about these for the 'Lil Zane concert?
Eunice Barnes: Colorful, tasteful, not too sexy...
Breanna Barnes: Oh, dang, I gotta go change!
[Turns to leave]
Eunice Barnes: No, no! Now that's a good thing. You think the girls who show their bosom are going to get more attention than you at the concert?
Eunice Barnes: You're also going to get a baby at 16, and if you make me a great-grandmother at the tender age of 41, I'm going to have to hurt you.
Breanna Barnes: Um, 41?
Eunice Barnes: Hush, child.
Nicole Barnes: So, there I was, up the coast of Nova Scotia, studying the mating calls of killer whales when I realized I had to see my little girl.
Mark "Flex" Washington: Killer whales? How does it feel to work with family?
Mark "Flex" Washington: [Upon seeing his ex-wife] Hmm, Lucifer must have left the gate open.
Mark "Flex" Washington: [Thinking Breanna has left the room so he can talk on the phone] Look, I'm sorry we haven't had the chance to hook up, but it's like I said... when my daughter's in town, my pants aren't down.
Breanna Barnes: And your daughter's behind your back, and all your pick-up lines are wack!
Mark "Flex" Washington: You are not Destiny's Child, you are MY child! So Beyonce yourself back in the room and change!
Arnaz Ballard: Breanna, you know how I feel about you and I've never tried to hide it, and I think you feel the same way, but since your leaving I can understand if you don't wanna say anyth...
[Breanna kisses Arnaz]
Arnaz Ballard: If I'd known this was gonna happen, I wouldn't have had pickles for lunch. I would've had the salad. Poppyseed, poppyseed tastes good...
Breanna Barnes: You talk too much!
Arnaz Ballard: Breanna its me! Open up!
Breanna Barnes: Oh no. What do I say?
Spirit Jones: How about, "We should change your name to "Light Switch", because anybody can turn you on"?
Breanna Barnes: No. That's all cool if you're immature. But me? I'm an actress. I have to give him "Cool Breanna". The "I don't care Breanna".
[puts on a British accent]
Breanna Barnes: Enter!
Arnaz Ballard: [barges in] Breanna, I'm sorry about Charlotte. Look, I even wore an athletic cup for protection. Let me have it.
Breanna Barnes: Oh, you silly boy. The only reason you would need a cup is for some tea. Would you care for a spot?
Arnaz Ballard: No thanks. I'm gonna go... Cheerio.
Breanna Barnes: [in accent] That went very well don't you think?
Spirit Jones: Breanna, he's gone. You don't need that accent anymore.
Breanna Barnes: [in accent] I very well do. Its bloody well keeping me from crying
[cell phone rings]
Spirit Jones: It's my momma!
Breanna Barnes: It's my daddy!
Arnaz Ballard: It's my Duane!
Spirit Jones: So, Arnaz slept all day?
Breanna Barnes: Yep. Lazy boy, with no goals, no direction, and no body fat. God, I love him.
Mark "Flex" Washington: Nobody looks like the girls in the magazines! The girls in the magazines don't even look like the girls in the magazines!
Breanna Barnes: Ok Daddy. I'll go to California.
Mark "Flex" Washington: Thank you, Jesus!
Breanna Barnes: But Arnaz is coming with me.
Mark "Flex" Washington: Why me, Jesus?
Breanna Barnes: I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. If he catches us, he's gonna kill us.
Arnaz Ballard: I can't think of a better way to die.