Crossing Jordan (2001–2007)
Jordan: [to Garret] It's like you always tell me. The dead bodies are easy. It's the alive ones that get more complicated.
Macy: Jordan, next time you're called for jury duty let your shrink know. I'm sure there's a reason you should be excused.
Jordan: Wow. Did you mean to call me a nut job or are you just crabby?
Woody: What do we got?
Garrett: Well, since they called for a medical examiner and homicide detective, my guess is a body.
Woody: Is sarcasm a prerequisite for being an ME?
Garrett: It helps.
Dr. Nigel Townsend: I paid seven homeless people to go dumpster diving for me.
Macy: Who's money did you use?
Dr. Nigel Townsend: Yours.
[Jordan is banging computer keys in frustration]
Dr. Nigel Townsend: Please evacuate the keyboard area.
[when asked why he became an ME]
Bug: I wanted to be a children doctor but little kids hated me.
Det. Cruz: You and I are on the same street, you know. Just different sides.
Jordan: That doesn't make us pals. So far - not a big fan.
Det. Cruz: Don't worry. I grow on people.
Jordan: So does fungus.
Susan: [to Det. Cruz] What, are you playing bad cop?
Woody: No, he's not playing. He just is... bad.
Woody: Stay in the car.
Jordan: What exactly in our past makes you think I'll do that?
Macy: Nobody knows what kind of parent they'd make until it's too late to back out.
Macy: We should all sort out our personal demons before having children.
Det. Cruz: Should I take this to Macy?
Jordan: You can take this to the Pope for all I care.
Max: There's this new thing they got called the classifieds. You should check them out. They actually have places to live in.
Jordan: Exhibit A. I can barely take care of a house plant much less a place of my own.
Jordan: I had this guy's brain in my hand, so I couldn't very well punch him, right?
Macy: Why would you want to have sex six times in one day? I mean, come on, we're people not Bunnies.
Lily: Dr.Macy said Bunnies.
Bug: You might want to tread lightly, Lily.
Lily: I tried that. Now I'm strapping on the stilettos.
Jordan: Traffic control command center has cameras all over the city, right?
Detective Carver: Most of the sections, yeah.
Jordan: I know 'cause I keep getting sent pictures of myself running red lights.
Jordan: No, no. I watched you turn this morgue from a place we all love into an anal retentive dictator ship. You're an obsessive compulsive android with a Napoleon complex.
Jordan: You're not really going to put me on that leash are you?
Macy: You'd just chew through it.
Jordan: Garret Macy. Are you actually telling me to keep crusading?
Macy: As if you would ever do what I tell you to do.
Reporter: The way I see it you and I are on the same team here. The only difference is you're looking for a cause of death and I'm looking for a by-line.
Jordan: You keep following me you'll be looking for a hospital.
Jordan: Garret, have you gotten any recently?
Macy: Pardon me?
Jordan: You heard me. How long has it been?
Macy: We are not having this conversation.
Max: Tough age seventeen. They're right on the brink of being able to tell you to shove it and they know it.
Macy: That's right. Jordan must have been a handful at that age.
Max: With Jordan this stage started at eleven.
Macy: And when did it end?
Max: I'm still waiting.
Det. Winslow: You looked good holding that baby, maybe you should think about popping one out.
Jordan: Yeah, or maybe I should pop my foot up your ass.
Mr. Hummer: He will be preserved until his condition is reversible.
Dr. Nigel Townsend: His condition is dead.
Mr. Hummer: Man, you people are like a broken record.
Jordan: Is this the part where I'm supposed to apologize too?
Garrett: Didn't want to ask the impossible.
Elaine: [talking about Jordan] Garret, I'm serious. She is impossible to work with.
Macy: Here's a tip. It's easier if you don't listen when she talks.
Woody: It's Jordan, isn't it? This trial would be over by now if she wasn't in there poking holes.
Macy: That'd be my guess.
Woody: Jordan being Jordan.
Jordan: I have so much energy.
Macy: Yeah, I can tell. Read your autopsy report. 12 pages to tell us she was hit in the back of the head with an unidentifiable object.
Dr. Nigel Townsend: So if I killed my husband, where would I stash the body?
Jordan: If you killed your husband you'd have to start in the closet.
Jordan: Hey, you think the gift shop sells mittens?
Macy: I thought you were done complaining.
Jordan: As soon as I'm done freezing!
Woody: The nun had a baby? How could that be?
Jordan: She's a woman first, nun second.
Jordan: He's lucky I didn't kick him in the nuts. What? It wouldn't be the first time.
Jordan: That's it? You've got nothing to say to me.
Jordan: Woody, you lied to me. You betrayed my trust. You used me.
Woody: At least I didn't rat you out.
Jordan: No. You said this was about us, that you needed closure so you could move on.
Woody: Oh, come on, Jordan, does it always have to be about you?
Jordan: Oh, you need help Woody.
Woody: I don't need help. Especially not from you.
Nigel: Oh, Carpet Salesman of the Year 1989.
Bug: Is there anything sadder than being Carpet Salesman of the Year?
Nigel: How about still carrying the card in your wallet sixteen years later?
Macy: That was stupid and reckless what you did, you know that? You don't listen to me.
Jordan: Come on, Garret.
Macy: You do what you want. And if you hadn't this time, those boys wouldn't be alive now.
Jordan: All in a days work. No big deal.
Macy: I'm still your boss and I'm telling you it was a big deal. Own it. I don't know what I would have done if something had happened to you.
Woody: Don't tell me that I missed something.
Bug: Okay, I won't. But you did.
Devan Maguire: You know, I've been trying to shake the whole cheerleader image for years. Is it really that bad?
Dr. Nigel Townsend: Keep trying, luv.
Det. Cruz: This kid was built like a brick outhouse. I doubt that a few light punches could have taken him out.
Woody: Carlsen's car is a '65 El Dorado.
Bug: Hard to miss, considering it's the size of the QE II.
Bug: Remember, heavy object, odd design.
Woody: Thanks. That really narrows things down.
Bug: [mutters] Just trying to help.
Dr. Nigel Townsend: How big would you like it?
[Maguire gives him a look]
Dr. Nigel Townsend: I meant the picture.
Frances: [to Woody] I just slipped you a couple of sleeping pills. Don't worry. They won't kill you. I'll have to do that.
Devan Maguire: Has anyone tried to lift a fingerprint from the bag found in the locker?
Det. Cruz: We never had a reason to.
Devan Maguire: Now you do.
Devan Maguire: You told me not to jump to conclusions, and what did I do?
Jordan: Good jumping, though, really.
Devan Maguire: So, you still think we would have hated each other in high school?
Jordan: Oh, yeah!
Devan Maguire: So, you, uh... want to get some dinner?
Jordan: No, not really.
Devan Maguire: Good, me either.
Woody: I have been meaning to ask you why do they call you Bug?
Bug: Because I like insects. Why do they call you Woody?
Woody: Why are you here again?
Bug: He's a reporter.
Woody: How can you tell?
Bug: Calluses on the fingertips suggest a regular typist. Mysteriously empty tape recorder, and - oh, yeah... his press pass says so.
Macy: Get your coat.
Dr. Peter Winslow: But it's pouring!
Macy: We're like the post office. Neither rain, nor sleet...
Devan Maguire: I didn't spend six years on postgraduate work to sit here on my shapely ass!
Macy: You okay, man?
Dr. Peter Winslow: Yeah. I'm just not used to working on bodies that are still bleeding.
Dr. Flynn: You shouldn't feel so bad, Dr. Macy. People die all the time. In fact, if you hang around another ten minutes, you'll have company on your way back to the morgue.
Woody: [Woody begins to undress and change his clothes]
Bug: You obviously didn't make it to the sexual harassment seminar.
Woody: Sure I did. That's why I didn't ask if you wanted to wrestle.
Woody: Any way to tell her age from the autopsy?
Bug: Sure, I'll just cut her open and count the rings.
Woody: You could have simply said no.
[a woman is running a brothel under the disguise of a modeling agency]
Madam: You know, we're starting a men's division, Detective Hoyt. In case you're ever interested in making some extra cash...
Woody: I'll keep that in mind.
Bug: What about me?
Bug: [Bug is having technical difficulties]
Woody: You know, I could always go get Nigel.
Bug: If you love Nigel so much, why don't you marry him?
Woody: We can actually do that now in Vermont.
Woody: [checking a victim's phone records] There are over 50 calls in the last three months to a Robert Whiting.
Bug: Why does that name sound familiar?
Woody: You probably voted for him.
Woody: Let's not jump to any hasty conclusions here. If I was looking for the wack-a-doo conspiracy version I would have called Jordan in.
Nigel: I am some how both flattered and insulted by that.
Woody: I'd appreciate if you handle this with a little bit of sensitivity. I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm up for a promotion this year. So if word got out...
Nigel: Woody, Woody, Woody... I promise that I will keep an open mind, okay? And anyway sensitivity is my middle name.
[opens the door]
Nigel: [shouts] Sweet Mary in the manger!
Arlene Lebowski: You're not getting any younger.
Lily: Oh, so I should be you? Jump anything with a pulse and a penis?
Dr. Nigel Townsend: Why dine like kings when you're having dessert with Smith & Wesson?
Woody: The last four times Burnham met him was at some Goth club named Asmanties.
Garrett: Goth club huh? Let Nigel do all the talking.
Bug: I pulled tissue samples from John Doe and cross-referenced his biological data with local insect activity and came up with a time of death.
Jordan: That's my Bug.
Bug: Eleven days, four hours.
Detective Matt Seely: Four hours?
Bug: Well... Give or take.
Nigel: I'm so glad you decided to go undercover Woody. You're blending right in.
Woody: Sorry, I didn't get the memo. Did you sew those pants on yourself?
Garrett: You ready for this?
Jordan: Yeah... Look at me man, I am a vision of authority. I'll just order the keg and line up the togas.
Devan Maguire: I've always been a good judge of character. I read people very well and I don't think he's guilty.
Woody: I'm a pretty good judge of character too Devan. I had you pegged didn't I?
Devan Maguire: Don't tell me... Pushy, driven...
Woody: And sometimes intolerable. See... Impressive isn't it?
Bug: You take it! I've got a date with a drug addict... Autopsy 4.
Dr. Peter Winslow: She doesn't want me... She wants you.
Bug: What? Someone... wants me?
Bug: She saw my name on the directory and a big sign on my forehead that said dumbass!
Dr. Nigel Townsend: Jordan, you should know that last night will never happen again.
Jordan: Oh God, what are we talking about here?
Dr. Nigel Townsend: My new image in the workplace. No more Nigel-the-computer-jockey. Okay, I was swept up in the moment, but now it's truly done.
Jordan: Look... You guys get along. I need you to talk to him.
Woody: He pulled a gun on me!
Jordan: That's bonding for him. He feels comfortable with you.
Woody: He said he was going to shoot me!
Jordan: You see... You guys are closer than I thought.
Dr. Peter Winslow: So... We're looking for a missing girl and a guy who doesn't exist. Hmmm... That's challenging.
Lily: Tell me about it!
Macy: Well... three dead people, three different guns, three fatal bullet wounds. A shoots B, B shoots C, C shoots A.
Jordan: Commutative Property of Murder.
Lily: Have you ever done anything too wild in your past that's hurt you professionally?
Nigel: Well, there was that one thing with the sword swallower and the bubble bath.
Nigel: Never mind.
Nigel: Look, I don't know how much you know about Jordan, but-...
Jordan: She's an enormous pain in the ass.
Macy: I really don't like you.
DA Rene Walcott: Right back at you.
Macy: I mean not at all.
DA Rene Walcott: I get it. Just kiss me.
[looking for the victim's husband]
Landlord: Maybe he's at work.
Woody: His wife never came home last night. Would you go to work the next morning?
Landlord: Yeah, but you haven't met my husband.
[Peter is autopsying a morbidly obese man]
Macy: Now that's what I call a pancreas.
[Lily has just bought a sandwich]
Lily: Yeah. Fake turkey. Want some?
Garrett: I'd rather eat sand.
Jordan: Kinda early for sphincter level 10, even for you Garrett.
Woody: I have moral issues shooting live animals. I don't care if it is wabbit hunting season.
Cal Hoyt: But you shoot people.
Woody: I shoot bad people.
Cal Hoyt: Well, there's bad wabbit.
Woody: Her name is Jordan.
Cal Hoyt: That's a boy's name.
Woody: She's not a boy, though.
Cal Hoyt: That'd explain a lot.
Michael Stackhouse: She got shot.
Woody: Yes, she did. In the line of duty. You know what that is, duty?
Michael Stackhouse: When you go to the bathroom in your pants?
Nigel: Uh, we've got good news and bad news.
Bug: Give her the bad news first. She's a pessimist.
[Rene is pregnant, and just telling Garrett]
DA Rene Walcott: We met for a drink...
Garrett: And one thing led to a mother?
[Nigel is asked if he can find out what's on a hard drive]
Nigel: Is the bear Catholic?
Jordan: And if he is, does that mean the Pope...
Jordan: I don't mind being the center of attention. And I know in this business, no matter how good you are, it always comes down to one thing: your body.
Garrett: I think it's time you cut down on the java.
Woody: I think it's time you quit sneaking up on people!
Dr. Stiles: I mean, for the last 24 years, you've been hiding in a locked room. You wanna... leave a door open? Leave it open to let yourself out.
Jordan: [Kim is a childhood friend of Jordan's] You know, professionally, I don't like you.
Kim Watkins: You're not supposed to. I'm a lawyer.
Cal Hoyt: [on meeting Jordan for the first time] So, why won't you have sex with my brother?
Macy: [holding up a stethoscope from Jordan's days as a Thoracic Surgery resident] You still talk to God through this thing?
Jordan: Naw, we e-mail now.
Dr. Nigel Townsend: The bullet then continues up the arm to break the humerus, not very funny in this case...
Woody: [about a suspected serial killer she wants to inspect for evidence] Jordan, he's a psychopath!
Jordan: [sarcastically] And I'm not?
Danny McCoy: [upon arriving at a suspect's locked door] I can pick that lock in like, five seconds.
Woody: Really? 'Cause I can do it in like, one.
[kicks door in]
Detective Lieutenant Max Cavanaugh: [after getting shot] I'm not dead?
Nurse: No, we usually put a sheet over you for that
Jordan: Haven't you guys gotten yourselves in enough trouble for one night?
Dr. Stiles: People who don't care have nothing to lose. So either they started that way, or they've already lost everything. Those are dangerous people.
Dr. Trey Sanders: How do you know all this, Nigel?
Dr. Nigel Townsend: Insomnia and the History Channel. It's a lethal combination.
Dr. Stiles: Depressed?
Macy: About what?
Dr. Stiles: Oh, I don't know. Anything - life, love, public transportation...
Jordan: Whenever I start to get close to someone this little voice starts screaming in my head. Run, fast. Crazy. Messed up. Cuckoo. I wish I could promise you it won't happen again, but it probably will.
[talking about Nigel's happiness on a freezing day]
Macy: If only we could harness that hot energy.
Jordan: Yeah, Either that or we could just set his desk on fire.
Jordan: Welcome to the new millennium, Wood. White collar meets spiked collar.