Gallagher: Over Your Head (1984 TV Special)
Gallagher: Our alphabet is based on some kind of a bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle business!
Gallagher: [holds up bullwhip] I got this here in Texas. At a 7-11. It was hanging right next to the Cool Whip. I said, "Cool Whip and a bullwhip! Gimme that!"
Gallagher: I know you people, you're the smart ones. You're not the ones going down the freeway with a seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks. You're not the ones goin' over the overpass with the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn? You almost wish they would.
Gallagher: Let's just take something that you've, you've looked at a long time and just never noticed before. Let's look at Christmas from a fire prevention
[chuckles while putting on a fireman's helmet]
Gallagher: point-of-view. Now...
[audience laughs at the hat]
Gallagher: when it's dry in your house and you got the heater on to help dry that air out real good, you go get an evergreen tree.
Gallagher: You put it in the corner, next to the drapes. You lace it with cheap wiring. You put packages of tissue paper, wrapped in tissue paper, underneath. Then invite your friends over, get drunk and light candles.
Gallagher: A politician, he don't say nothin'. He says plus with the beginning of a sentence, minus with the end of it so it don't add up to nothin'. That's why when you're done listenin' to a politician...
[audience cheers and applauds]
Gallagher: That's why when you're done listenin' to a politician, you just say, "What did he say?" He said, "Vote for me, I'm a nice guy." That's basically all he wants you to base your decision on. Just "I'm a nice guy. How do you like my coat? Here's my family." Oh good, his dick works.
Gallagher: Well, let me welcome myself to Texas. Where a man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.
Gallagher: Well, see, babies are born with new eyes. They look at the world with new eyes and you begin to see things, too, through their eyes. I had a problem with her with toilet trainin' and I don't blame her a bit. Cause first I showed her you can't hit your cup on the coffee table. Then I showed her you can't eat on the couch. Then here was this chair you could shit in.