Van Wilder: Are you stalking me? Because that would be super.
Van Wilder: [while standing pantless next to the freshman] But you know what I've learned in my seven years here at Coolidge... Timmy? I've learned that you can't treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you'll die a lot of times. Write that down.
Suicidal Freshman: I don't have a pen.
Van Wilder: Well remember that then. And you know something, Timmy? I think you've got the balls to make it here. Call me nuts, but I believe in you.
Van Wilder: Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you... even if you know its someplace you know you're not suppossed to be.
Gwen: And how many times has your heart led you into the women's locker room?
Van Wilder: This would be a first.
Gwen: Why do I find that hard to believe?
Van Wilder: I'm not saying this is the first time I've been in here, just usually it is another part of my anatomy that does the leading.
[repeated line, after giving advice]
Van Wilder: Write that down.
Van Wilder: All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. Look at me. No cock pump.
Taj: No cock pump. Barry White.
Van Wilder: Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
Van Wilder: The first day of spring semester. A time to say goodbye to the parents once again, and say hello to a few new student bodies.
Van Wilder: Don't be a fool, stay in school!
Van Wilder: What is wrong with people today?
Hutch: [taking a hit from a bong] It's the internet dude, it fries their brain cells.
Taj: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.
Van Wilder: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.
Taj: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.
Vance Wilder, Sr.: Van is still in school?
Assistant: For the better part of a decade.
Campus Cop: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to back away from Van's vehicle!
Vance Wilder, Sr.: Sweet Joesph, my son's a fairy.
Van Wilder: Take your clothes off.
Gwen: I'm not taking off my clothes.
Van Wilder: Well it is the naked mile run, everybody else is in their birthday suit.
[a hairy naked guy runs by]
Van Wilder: Except that guy.
[after a stripper farts in their face]
Van Wilder: Congratulations Taj, your first blow job!
Van Wilder: Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.
Van Wilder: Crazy kids with their crazy VDs.
Van Wilder: I know Ms. Pac-Man is special. She's fun. She's cute. She swallows.
Van Wilder: I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongatas.
Van Wilder: Her name's Naomi. That's "I moan" backwards.
Richard: You're going to miss the biggest party of the year!
Panos Patakos: How do you put a price on dignity?
Friend: How do you put a price on poonani?
Van Wilder: Whoa, trick or treat. What's going on?
Richard: This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party.
Van Wilder: Graphic.
Richard: Gwen, what are you doing here?
Van Wilder: You two know each other?
Richard: That's my girlfriend, gluteus erecti.
Van Wilder: You shouldn't take life to seriously. You'll never get out alive.
Richard: Oh, Gwen! Your labia feels so good around my swollen phallus! Oh! Oh! Oh, I'm fairly confident I'm going to ejaculate. I'm releasing some of my seminal fluids inside of you now!
[grunts and giggles]
Gwen: Are you okay?
Richard: Yeah. Why? Well, didn't you?
Gwen: Well, it's kind of hard in 15 seconds.
Richard: Damn it, Gwen! You know the kind of pressure I'm under with my exams.
Gwen: I'm sorry.
Richard: Look, I'm sorry. This semester's marks could determine in the next 10 years of our lives together. Do you realize that?
Gwen: You know... you shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.
Richard: [laughs] What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm late for my study group.
Van Wilder: if you're always thinking about the future, then you kinda forget about the present.
Van Wilder: Blue - it brings out your eyes. The kid has killer eyes, not unlike yourself - anyone ever tell you that?
Gwen: Yes, my boyfriend.
Van Wilder: Your boyfriend? What's his name?
Gwen: I don't think that's any of your business.
Van Wilder: [Puts on sunglasses and turns away] You're right
Van Wilder: Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK!
[under his breath]
Van Wilder: Not that you had to.
Van Wilder: Wow, If he's here, who's running hell?
Van Wilder: Well just take a look at this... ya... doodles... I attended class today just about stayed the whole time too!
Gwen: I'm glad you went to all your classes today.
Van Wilder: And a few that weren't mine, I stepped in the wrong room, liked what I heard... stayed.
Gwen: That's great!
Gwen: I'm doing a human interest piece... on you.
Van Wilder: I'm flattered, I'd love for your piece to be on me.
[looks up at the ceiling and sighs]
Van Wilder: ... But sadly I don't do interviews, never have, never will. Do lunch though.
Richard: Mr. Wilder here is quite the collegian. He's in his, what? sixth year?
Van Wilder: Actually, its lucky number seven.
Taj: [Jumps up] WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?
Hutch: In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light.
Taj: That's no bong... It's for my shlong.
[Hutch starts coughing and gagging]
Hutch: Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump?
[Taj nods his head]
Hutch: Oh damn!
Gwen: Well I think it takes a lot more then the kind of underwear one wears to define them as a person.
[Van looks shocked]
Van Wilder: Like what?
Campus Cop: We've got a jumper!
[ink blot test]
Stoner Freshman: I see a rabbi, and he's performing a circumcision... on himself though.
Van Wilder: Well, you haven't lived until you've shot-putted blitzed on Jager!"
Van Wilder: I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake!
Taj: Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit I applied for this job because I wanted to cut loose and shake my rump, but I do not believe that this dilemma can be solved by partying.
Taj: You have shown me a live I could only dream about back home while masturbating in my father's woodshed.
Van Wilder: All this time I thought I was more to you than a flaccid story.
Van Wilder: It's a date.
Gwen: It's an interview, not a date.
Van Wilder: Gwen, first dates are interviews.
Van Wilder: Dinner for two. Me and you. Clothing optional.
Van Wilder: You think about the future too much and you kinda forget about the present. Obviously.
Van Wilder: Hey look. I read the damn article all right. But don't tell anyone because if word gets out that I read my reputation shot to hell.
Van Wilder: If Milty Mingleton can shove himself into that weenie bikini, then you don't need to be shy about making your donations to the swim team.
Van Wilder: We'll be accepting donations in the form of cash, visa, and full frontal nudity.
[while having sex with Jeannie]
Richard: P.S. Shut the fuck up!
[after tasting Jager]
Kid: This tastes like shit! You got any scotch?
[after the dog farted in the tub & his testicles floated to the top]
Van: These things could raise the Titanic!
McDoogle: This is some pad Wilder... Decorated in early fuck!
Richard: You do not call her that, Gonad!
Vance Wilder, Sr.: Where can I find Van Wilder?
Wasted Guy: In the Guinness Book of World-fucking-Records, man... under "Raddest Fucking Dude Alive"!
Vance Wilder, Sr.: Ok. Thanks.
Wasted Guy: In any one of these three rooms, Gramps.
Van Wilder: What's that intoxicating scent you're wearing Doris?
Ms. Doris Haver: I have cats.
Van Wilder: Meow!
Sally: [straddling Van and kissing him, turns around and sees Gwen walk into Van's room] You must be Gwen, the truck driver
Van Wilder: Gwen?
[chases her outside]
Gwen: What were you doing up there?
Van Wilder: As smashed as I am, I'm pretty sure that was my room...
Van Wilder: [looking back]
Van Wilder: Wasn't it?
Gwen: What was that girl, a freshman?
Van Wilder: She reads at a sophomore level.
[Ms. Haver takes a long swig on some liquor]
Ms. Doris Haver: Oh yeah... that's the shit!
Van Wilder: You know... I think I'm getting a little coldsore come on... so maybe we shouldn't do this for 3 to 6 weeks?
Ms. Doris Haver: Shut up, bitch and give me some sugar!
McDoogle: I've been waiting all these years for you to realize your potential.
Van Wilder: That's why you and I had friction? God, I always thought it was 'cause, 'cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year.
McDoogle: Why, what... You fooled around with my daughter?
Van Wilder: What?
[Stripper farts, blowing white powder over Van, Hutch and Taj. There is a pause before Van whoops and claps in applause]
Van Wilder: Taj, your first blow job!
Taj: In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!
Jeannie: Then we bumped uglies. It was the best ten seconds ever.
Van Wilder: Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!
Van Wilder: I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. I know you were right. Believing for so long.
Sally: Dope song. What's it called?
Van Wilder: Gwen Used Me For Her Story, Then Married an Ass Wipe... and Ran Over My Heart With a Big Metaphorical Truck. Originally performed by Air Supply.
Vance Wilder, Sr.: Excuse me? Can you tell me where I might find the 'Radest fucking dude alive'?
Gwen: Is it true this is your seventh year at Coolidge?
Van Wilder: Carry the two, yes that's correct.
Van Wilder: I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's closed.
Van Wilder: [while the dog is walking away, and his balls have shrunk] Looks like all he needed was a little TLC
Richard: How bad do you want to be a Delta? Would you stand on broken glass? Let the shards into your Archilles tendon, causing acute achondroplasia, which could lead to non-congenital dwarfism as you got older?
Law Club Member: It's ridicoulous, it's preposterous, it's ludicrous... By God it's impetuous!
Hutch: So does that mean you gonna help us?
Law Club Member: Oh it's on!
Gwen: Relax, guys. They're just Doritos.
Gwen: Is Van here?
Hutch: He don't want to see you.
Gwen: Excuse me?
Hutch: Look. Why don't you just leave him alone?
Sick Boy: Home-wrecker.
Van Wilder: [speaking about Gwen's boyfriend Richard] I'll bet he's a tighty whitey guy.
Gwen: Excuse me?
Van Wilder: White, elastic band, constricting. You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of drawers they wear. Like you - granny panties I bet.
Gwen: Does that allude to me being the plain, boring type?
Van Wilder: Mmmm, no.
Van Wilder: [sighs]
Van Wilder: I just wanted the visual.
Van Wilder: Was that a...
[looks away and points]
Van Wilder: Judges ruling? Uh huh. Yeah.
Van Wilder: I do believe that was a joke.
Van Wilder: You guys have had the best GPS the last 50 years.
Panos Patakos: Indeed. But believe it or not, best GPA doesn't get you laid.
Van Wilder: Damn well should.
Taj: We are truly up the Ganga river without a bamboo oar.
Vance Wilder, Sr.: You have wasted enough of your time and my money. So pack up your panties, son, because we are heading home.
Van Wilder: I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore.
Taj: A good soldier does not leave his commander just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets, intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. I will stay on at no charge.