3.3/10
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114 user 32 critic

Teenage Caveman (2002)

Teens encounter people, who, after being used as guinea pigs for the experimental testing of a virus can live forever in a post apocalyptic world.

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Cast

Complete credited cast:
...
David
...
Sarah
...
Neil
...
Judith
...
Vincent
Crystal Celeste Grant ...
Elizabeth (as Crystal Grant)
Shan Elliot ...
Joshua
...
Heather
...
Shaman
...
Tribal Leader
Rob Hill ...
Caveman Guard
David Monzingo ...
Puppeteer (as Dave Monzingo)
Joe Reader ...
Puppeteer
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Storyline

In a post-apocalyptic future mankind is lives in a prehistoric manner. After killing his father for sexually assaulting his girlfriend, the son of a tribal leader runs away with a group of his teenage friends. They are taken in by Neil and Judith who introduce them to the vices outlawed by their tribes namely sex and drugs.Neil and Judith, however, are genetically altered indestructible mutants who have their own plans for the future of the human race. Written by The Wolfkin

Plot Summary | Add Synopsis

Taglines:

The future sucks.


Motion Picture Rating (MPAA)

Rated R for strong sexuality, substance abuse, language, and violence - all involving teens | See all certifications »

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Details

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Release Date:

2 July 2002 (USA)  »

Also Known As:

Adolescente delle caverne  »

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Runtime:

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Aspect Ratio:

1.78 : 1
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Did You Know?

Trivia

On the special features of the DVD there is a "Making of Teenage Caveman" and when they are talking about the make up for the genetic monsters, they are looking at a sketch of James Marsters as Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997). See more »

Quotes

Judith: How did the song go? Looking forward to a little "afternoon delight?"
Vincent: I want some delight!
Neil: They don't know what you're talking about, Judith. That's one good thing about the end of the world. No more easy listening.
See more »

Connections

Remake of Teenage Cave Man (1958) See more »

Soundtracks

Where Eagles Dare
Written by Glenn Danzig
Performed by The Misfits
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User Reviews

 
worst film ever made
15 December 2001 | by See all my reviews

Where to begin? This headliner at the Fecal Film Festival is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever seen. Entirely without any redeeming value whatsoever, not even camp value mind you... this film lacks any substantive plot or story line that is discernable, nor comprehendable dialogue, nor even interest as a soft core porno.

Larry Clark's disturbing debut 'Kids' was controversial for it's depiction of homeless children doing drugs and having sex on the streets of New York. Well, after seeing Teenage Caveman you begin to realize that that subject matter is a favorite of Clark's and he is less gritty filmmaker than closet pedophile.

The film even looks bad... not even visually interesting, this film was an hour and a half of my life STOLEN from me. I don't know what the budget of this cinematic excrement was, but if it was more than $500, the production designer should be arrested for theft. The film appears to be shot entirely inside a closet, with the exception of two or three minutes of exteriors with the appearance that they were filmed in vacant lots and the homeless people who live there were displaced until filming was complete.

I LIKE BAD MOVIES... Ed Wood films are very entertaining to me, because I can take enjoyment in what was going on behind the scenes and the real "camp" laughs. This film can't even boast that. It is BORING. Entirely forgettable... I had to write this review quickly before this 'piece de merde' slipped from my mind.

I think Clark was trying to make some kind of statement about the nature of organized religion, maybe about drug use, something about sexual discovery... but if anyone can figure out what the hell the message was... post it because it was way too subtle for me to pick up on.

About the sex... like everything in else in this Ishtar-wanna-be, it was bad. Clark picked "actors" who were not only unable to deliver any dialogue, but who were just plain unattractive. People who I can't imagine anyone wanting to see naked, even after twenty beers. Particularly of note as being an exceptionally bad actress is the Asian girl who set new records for a lack of screen presence. Even the sexually explicit dialogue she delivers is done so poorly that it would make the most sexually repressed pre-teenage boy yawn. (The only dialogue that I can remember now involves a young boy learning to read from Penthouse forum, and stumbling over "reaming out my wife's bunghole.") I hope whoever wrote the script is proud. I'm embarrassed for repeating it.

In fact... everyone involved with this drek should be ashamed. A film school excercise should be to take the footage from this steaming peanut loaf and put together anything that makes sense. Anyone who succeeds should get a masters.

Perhaps the sci-fi geeks who "must" see anything with a special effect in it may want to sit through this Clockwork-Orange-torture-film, but even the effects are bad. If viewed for it's technical merits, the Computer Generated effects appear to have been done on someone's laptop while riding aboard a shaky bus. The makeup on the bad-guy creature is laughably bad, but not enough so to be entertaining.

Take my advice and steer clear of 'Teenage Caveman.' As a parent, I would rather have my son or daughter watch a snuff film... at least they might learn something from it. THIS IS THE FIRST FILM I HAVE EVER SEEN TO HAVE NO REDEEMING VALUE WHATSOEVER.


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