Mother Goose is on trial for obscenity because she wants to tell the "real" versions of her tales. Jack explores the Giant's wife, the Prince checks if "he" fits Cinderella and Red Riding Hood gets abused on her way to a wedding.
The movie features three animated segments with live action wraparound story. In the sexless live action part, Mother Goose, played by a man in drag, is on trial for obscenity because she wants to tell the real suppressed versions of her tales. Young Jack is a doofy horn dog kid who sells his cow to a pervy dwarf for sex with a hot gypsy woman and some beans. Once the beanstalk grows sky high, Jack climbs it and ends up inside the Giant's wife, literally. Even his horny pet frog gets in on the action when it sees a busty peasant girl washing up at the lake. In the second segment, Prince Charming has a dreamlike tryst with secretive virginal Cinderella one night and goes on a search to find this mysterious virgin by checking the naughty parts of every women in his kingdom along the way. Also, even the phrase "happily ever after" gets a different meaning here. In the final segment, ditsy voluptuous Little Red Riding Hood who keeps forgetting to put her cloths on gets sexually abused by ...
[about his mother learning about trading the cow for the beans and beating him for it]
Boy was she sore and now so is my ca-ca-ca- ass!, Gee I wish I hadn't sold the cow just so I could suck on that gypsy's ti-ti-tits,
[to his frog]
Remember those tits, Froggy?
Wow, those were the softest things I ev-ev-ev wow!
[gets a boner]
and those ni-ni-nipples oh boy that warm wet fu-fu-fuzzy little pu-pu-pussy, woo hoo hoo hoo shit, I get h-h-horny just thinking about her again w-w-wow!, watch ...
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If ever there was a lost genre, it's cartoon porn. In the seventies, studios cranked this stuff out like it was going out of fashion, and ONCE UPON A GIRL is a fairly typical example. Hal Smith plays Old Mother Goose, who, in live action segments, is in court defending 'her' fairy stories against charges of depravity and corruption. The animated segments kick in, and we see raunchy, bar-room joker versions of some traditional tales. I won't spoil things for you in case you've managed to defy all logic and are planning to watch a third-generation pirate copy of this scuzzy epic tonight, suffice to say the animation is reminiscent of Hanna-Barbera's output during their seventies decline (think Hair Bear Bunch, Hong Kong Phooey and Josie and the Pussycats), all stiff characters and wishy-washy painted backgrounds, the humour is adolescent and the novelty of seeing cartoon characters doing naughty things wears off faster than you might think. Actually, the standard of the jokes (such as it is) declines as the movie goes on, and all the sleazy goodwill generated by the first twenty minutes or so vanishes into thin air. Stick with SOUTH PARK (1999) for some seriously funny ink-and-paint naughtiness.
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