Garfield in Disguise (1985 TV Short)
[Lightning flashes when Garfield and Odie first see an old house]
Garfield: Nice touch!
Binky the Clown: [after Garfield realizes he's doing the jumping jacks and starts looking for his remote control] Put it in gear, you losers! You don't wanna be *lazy*, do ya? You gotta get into good shape for tonight, kids, because this is the night you can get a lot of - candyyyyyy!
Garfield: [having found his remote and aiming it at the TV] Take that, Binky!
[turns TV off with remote]
Binky the Clown: HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY, KIIIIIIIIIIIIIDS!
[Garfield jumps out of bed after a deep sleep]
Binky the Clown: Get your lazy bottoms out of bed and do jumping jacks with Binky the Clowwwwwwn!
Garfield: So the pirate ghosts got the treasure, and we got the candy, candy, candy, candy!
Binky the Clown: Remember, kids: if you don't exercise with Binky, you're gonna to grow up to be worthleeeess!
Garfield: I hate you, Binky! Where's my remote control?
Jon Arbuckle: That's not funny, Garfield.
Garfield: Then how about this?
[Makes a funny face]
Jon Arbuckle: Now that's funny.
[laughs, then sighs]
Jon Arbuckle: Why can't I stay angry with you, Garfield?
Garfield: Because I'm a cat.
Jon Arbuckle: You're probably wondering what I'm doing with this pumpkin on my head.
Garfield: Wha-hoo! There's a pumpkin on your head? I hadn't noticed.
Garfield: Odie's so stupid he'd have to stand on a chair to raise his I.Q. He's ugly, too. It would take two of him to get any uglier. He's so ugly, he wouldn't have to wear a mask to go trick or treating on Halloween.
Garfield: Arrr, it do be a land-lubber who be shovin' lasagna in his face. I declare this booty property of the queen.
[He takes his wooden sword and impales Jon's lasagna, and then eats it]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey! Who do you think you are?
Garfield: Arrr, I be Orange Beard the Pirate Cap'n, an' this be me first mate, Odie the Stupid.
Jon Arbuckle: You guys look ridiculous.
Garfield: Arr, I've killed men fer sayin' less than that, but I'll letcha live, seein' as how yer the only man who'll change me kitty litter.
Garfield: Observe carefully, Odie. I'll teach you some of the finer points of trick-or-treating.
[Taps the door a few times with his wooden sword and a woman answers]
Woman at Door: Oh, how cute! Here you go, kids.
[Throws a couple pieces of candy into their sacks]
Garfield: Me thinks yer be a mighty stingy with yer candy, Miss! If ye don't reconsider your contribution, I'll give yer living room drapes a taste of me broadsword.
[She throws much more candy into their sacks]
Garfield: Thank you. A thousand blessin's upon yer home, ma'am.
Garfield: Hey, Odie, old buddy, you know what Halloween night is?
[Odie shakes his head side-to-side]
Garfield: Yeah, well, take that stupid pumpkin off your head and I'll tell ya!
[Odie kicks the pumpkin off his head]
Garfield: Better. That's a night when dogs have to help cats go out and get candy.
[Odie looks puzzled]
Garfield: That's right, and if the dog does a good job, he gets a *whole* piece of candy of his verrry own!
[Odie excitedly begins to jump up and down]
Garfield: Well, do you wanna go, boy? Huh? Huh? Wanna go out and get candy, huh? Huh, boy? Wanna go? Huh? Huh? Huh?
[Odie gets worked up into a frenzy]
Garfield: Okay! Let's go to the attic and find some costumes for tonight!
[Odie zooms off to the attic. Garfield then turns to the camra]
Garfield: You know, just between you and me, there are times when I love that dog.
Old Man: What I am about to tell you has never been told to another living soul.
[we hear two claps of thunder]
Garfield: Catchy beginning.
[it is early morning and Garfield is still asleep in his box-like bed. A logo appears on his nearby television. First lines]
TV Announcer: Good morning, viewers. Welcome to another broadcast day at WBOR, the easy-viewing, easy-listening station. We begin our broadcast with "The Binky the Clown Show." Have a nice day.
[Binky appears on the screen]
Garfield: Okay, Odie. here's the plan: I'll kick the door open, you jump in and secure the place. Are you ready?
Garfield: [Garfield unsucessfully kicks the door and fails to open it that way]
Garfield: [grabs his foot and jumps up and down] Tell you what, let's quietly slip in.
Garfield: [examining a bowl full of pumpkin seeds] Hmm. This stuff appears to be a bit of lasagne persuasion.
[He grabs a handful of the seeds and stuffs them in his mouth]
Jon Arbuckle: Since when did you like pumpkin innards?
Garfield: [gags; spits seeds out] PTOOEY! Since never! Blecch.
[drops the bowl of innards, and we hear it break]
Jon Arbuckle: What's with the blanket? You practicing for Halloween?
Garfield: Practicing? Practicing? Ha! I'll have you know Halloween's my middle name. Gar-Halloween-field. Oh, well.
Old Man: [to Garfield and Odie] This island has a secret: a deep, dark secret that is held for a hundred years. One hundred years ago tonight, a ruthless band of pirates held up in this very house. They had looted many ships and were pursued by government troops. They were so heavily laden with their ill-gotten gains they had to bury the treasure before making their escape. However, before they left this island on that stormy night, they signed a contract written in blood. They vowed to return for the treasure one hundred years from Halloween night at the stroke of midnight, even if it meant returning from the grave.
[we hear a clap of thunder as Garfield apprehensively notices the grandfather clock as it reads 11:55, then another clap of thunder sounds]
Garfield: [dismissive] Do you believe that?
Old Man: Belieeeeeeve it, my friends! The pirates had a ten-year-old cabin boy. I was that boy. I was there. I never took the treasure because they would have found me. There's no escaping them! They know we're here! They know WHO WE ARE!
[Garfield sneaks up on Jon, who is holding a pumpkin and removing its innards to carve it into a jack-o-lantern]
Jon Arbuckle: [throwing the pumpkin up in the air, startled] Wha-a-a!
[the pumpkin falls down on his head]
Jon Arbuckle: [sounding cross] That's not funny, Garfield.
Garfield: Then how about this?
[He makes funny faces at Jon]
Jon Arbuckle: [laughing] Now that's funny, Garfield.
Jon Arbuckle: Why can't I stay angry with you, Garfield?
Garfield: 'Cause I'm a cat.
Garfield: Some pirate captain I am. I can't even get a rowboat across the river. Now I'll probably float out to sea and never be heard from again. If I ever get back to land, I'm gonna give up this pirate business. I'm gonna stop pretending I'm something I'm not. I'm just gonna be me: Garfield the house cat. Gourmet. Bon vivant. World traveler. Jet-setting playboy.
[Odie taps him on the shoulder, trying to get his attention]
Garfield: Leave me alone, Odie. I'm busy wallowing in self pity.
[Garfield and Odie are in a rowboat, floating downriver]
Garfield: [to Odie] It appears we're caught up in the current, matey. Put out the oars.
[Odie knocks the oars off the boat]
Garfield: Hmm. I'd make him walk the plank if I had one.
Garfield: We be at the mercy of the sea, matey. Topside! Topside, batten the hatches! Trim the mains, slip the sheets, flibber the giblets! I WANT MY MOMMY!
[Binky is on TV, mentioning getting into shape for candy, but Garfield turns the TV off]
Garfield: Wait a minute. Did he say we could get a lot of candy tonight?
[frantically flips through various channels on the TV to turn Binky back on]
Garfield: Binky! Binky, come back! Where are you, Binky, old buddy?
[finally finds the channel Binky is on]
Binky the Clown: That's right, kids! Tonight *is* Halloween night, and we wanna be in great shape to trick-or-treat for all that candy, don't weeeeee?
Garfield: [happily] Yes, we dooooo!
[switches the TV off again]
Garfield: Halloween is my kind of a holiday. Not like those other stupid holidays. I don't get pine needles in my paws. There's no dumb bunnies, no fireworks, no relatives, just candy. Boom, you go out, you get candy. It's as simple as that.
Garfield: Simple... That's me.
Garfield: [rapidly] Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy...!
Garfield: [looking into a chest, searching for costumes] Eureka! The mother lode! Look at all this great stuff, Odie! With these costumes, we can be - anything we want!
Odie: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Garfield: The old man was right, Odie. This was the worst night of my life. I've had nightmares that looked like birthday parties compared to tonight.
[Odie points to their boat, with their candy still in it]
Garfield: Well, looky here! It do be me candy! Arrr... I guess this story do have a happy ending after all, matey. Let's be shovin' off for home now.
Garfield: What a night. Boy, am I wired. I think I'll see what's on TV.
[he turns on the TV, revealing what looks like the old man from earlier, wearing a pirate hat just like Garfield's]
Old Man: Good evening, and welcome to our all-night pirate movie festival.
Garfield: [quickly turns TV off] Boy, am I *tired*!
[Garfield settles down into his bed to sleep, holding his teddy bear, Pooky]
Jon Arbuckle: [to Garfield] I was carving a jack o'lantern until you arrived. What do you think?
Garfield: It's you.
Jon Arbuckle: [pushing the jack o'lantern off his head, then it lands on Odie's] Well, this one's ruined.
Garfield: [surprised by the old man stealing the boat, with his and Odie's candy still in it] Rats, there goes my boat!
Garfield: Rats, there goes my candy!
Garfield: My boat's gone, my candy's gone, the dead pirates are coming any minute, it's past my bedtime, and I wanna go home.
Garfield: [he and Odie enter the attic] There should be some great Halloween costumes up here somewhere, Odie. Jon has never thrown anything away.
[they walk up to a trunk; Garfield blows off the dust on it and coughs from the dust, then opens the lid and tosses various items out]
Garfield: Here's Jon's first bow-tie... Tacky... some sunglasses, Cousin Wanda's wig, Aunt Orpha's false teeth... Yuck!... roots, strings, sealing wax and all that funny stuff. Well, I guess there's nothing here.
[turns and sees Odie with the various items on him; Garfield yelps]
Garfield: Very funny, Odie. Come on, let's keep looking.