Conker's Bad Fur Day (2001 Video Game)
Conker: Well, here I am! Conker the King... king of all the land! Who'd a thought that? But how did I come to this, you say? And who are those strange fellows that surround my throne? That you also say! Well. It's a long story. Come closer and I'll tell you. It all started... yesterday. And what a day that was! It's what I call... a bad fur day!
Great Mighty Poo: [singing] I am the Great Mighty Poo / And I'm going to throw my shit at you! / A huge supply of tish / comes from my chocolate starfish / How about some scat you little twat?
Great Mighty Poo: Now I'm really getting rather mad / you're like a niggly tickly shitty little tag nut. / When I've knocked you out with all my bab / I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt.
Conker: [spoken] Your butt?
Great Mighty Poo: [singing] My butt!
Conker: [spoken] Your butt?
Great Mighty Poo: [singing] That's right my butt!
Conker: [spoken] Ewww!
Great Mighty Poo: [singing] My butt!
Conker: [spoken] Eeeer!
Great Mighty Poo: [singing] My BUUUUUUUUTT!
Great Mighty Poo: [singing] Do you really think you'll survive in here? / You don't seem to know which creek you're in / Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear / How do you think I keep this lovely grin?
[cracks a big grin, and light flashes off a tooth with an audible "ting"]
Great Mighty Poo: [spoken] Have some more caviar.
Conker: It's true what they say. The grass is always greener, and you really don't know what it is you have, until it's gone... gone... gone.
Paint Pot: I have seen some ass kickings in my time, but that was the shittest, crappest, crapiest, shitiest ass kickin' I have ever seen!
Paint Brush: Yeah, that was pretty crap. As far as ass kickings go, that was abysmal, and you is a shit bastard stupid bastard!
Paint Pot: Yeah, so what are ya gonna do now? Kill yourself? Cuz that's what I would recommend.
Paint Pot: Hey Franky, I think there's a squirrel that's just coming in through the door. I think it's your turn to kick his... is it his turn?
Paint Brush: Yeah, it's Franky's turn to kick his ass.
Franky: I ain't kickin' it. Why do I always have to kick his ass?
Paint Pot: Oh Franky, just shut up and go over there and kick his ass for fuck's sake.
Paint Brush: Yeah, I'm a paint brush, I don't kick ass.
Paint Pot: Yeah and I'm a paint pot anyway. What could I do? I'm a fuckin' paint pot.
The Great Mighty Poo: Ah! You cursed squirrel! Look what you've done! I'm flushing! I'm flushing! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who'd have thought a good little squirrel like you could destroyed my beautiful clagginess! Ah! I'm going! Oh! Ahh! No! Aaaaaaah!
Conker: Huh huh! Now that's what I call a bowel movement!
Gregg: Conker! Conker! Conker! Yes you, boy! You're dead! You are dead! Dead as a do... dead as a... I can't be arsed with this bloody, ridiculous contraption! Whose idea was this anyway? (pause) Right... hello... um... my name's Gregg... the Grim Reaper, and don't laugh!
Conker: Aren't you a little short to be a Grim Reaper?
Gregg: Well, how many Grim Reapers have you met before, mate? Well, what am I supposed to look like?
Conker: Yeah... that's a good point, and well made.
Gregg: Now... let's see... ah yes, Conker. Surname?
Conker: The Squirrel.
Gregg: The Squirrel... the... oh bloody hell, you would have to be a sodding squirrel, wouldn't you?
Conker: Why? Is there a problem with that?
Gregg: Well yes there is, actually! It's like those bloody cats! Such a pain in the arse! You're one of these special cases!
Conker: Oh really!
Gregg: Yes! Apparently, according to the powers that be... I'm just doing my job. I do what I'm told, and don't even get paid very much. Apprently, squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get away with!
Conker: Oh, I see! So I'm not dead!
Gregg: You're dead, but not quite.
Conker: Huh! Right! I'll be off then!
Gregg: Tsuh! Just you wait, smartarse! You don't get out of that easily. Now, the thing is, you may not be dead, but that doesn't mean you can't die. You just have a few more, shall we say, chances. Yeah. Like cats! I hate those things! Right! Distributed around your little world are these tail things! Squirrels' tails. If you can get them, I'll give you an extra chance, understand?
Conker: Um... well... sounds a bit strange, but okay.
Gregg: Strange? It's the best bloody deal you're going to get, you little prick! Right! That's it! Piss off! I've got some cats to see! Bloody things... I hate those bloody cats... the way they meow and they piss everywhere... and their shit smells just bloody awful... (mumbles)
Ron: What did you do that for, ya dumb shit?
Reg: Yeah, ya dumb shit!
Ron: Why is it that you have to repeat everything I say?
Reg: I don't repeat everything you say... do I?
Ron: Yes, you do, actually.
Reg: Oh, sorry...
Fire Imp 1: You up for this job?
Fire Imp 2: Is he up for this job? Press that button.
Fire Imp 1: The one with the...
Fire Imp 2: Yeah. Press it.
[brass balls fall out]
Fire Imp 1: Whoa. I see what you mean.
Conker: What is it, the testing department's day off or something?
Sarge: At 08:30, boat must arrive at said destination. Then, at 08:25... um... at 08:25... Oh, shit! Tell you what! Fuck that shit!
Panther King: Ah, professor, welcome. I have a job for you. As you can see... the table.
[the Professor looks at the four legged table, which only has three legs]
Professor: Ze table, ah yes! So, you have spilt your milk again? Zat's not gut! Not gut! Let me have a look at it for you. Hmm, yes, I think I see the problem. I vill see vat I can do. You must give me a moment though. I'll come back later.
Panther King: Don't be too long.
Professor: Oh, I von't sire.
Panther King: Because you know what happened... last time...
Professor: Ah, only to vell, my lord, only too vell. Vell, goodbye!
Panther King: I don't want to have to take out the duct-tape again!
Professor: Um, yes, I mean, no, I mean, I don't want to take out ze duct tape again! Well, I must be off! Goodbye!
Regan: Do you know what your fuckin' daughter did?
Conker: What? I don't have a daughter!
Conker: [On phone] Berri? Berri, if you're there, pick up the phone! Ugh, well look, I'm gonna be a bit late tonight. I just ran into a couple of guys who are off tomorrow to... I don't know... fight some war. Anyway, I'll be back home later tonight, okay? Um... love you!
Conker: I think she bought it!
Professor: "Duct-tape"? I'll give him a fuckin' "Duct-tape"! I come down with the fuckin' duct-tape, and I'll show him where to stuff it, up his fuckin' ass! Stupid asshole! All I do is come down and solve his fuckin' problems and he gives me the fuckin' duct-tape! Stupid fucker! I hate that guy!
Fire Imp 1: Hey, this is a neat joint!
[Fire Imp 2 smokes his cigar]
Fire Imp 1: Give me some of that!
Fire Imp 2: Fuck off!
Birdy: Right, you need a manual. I can give you one for a price...
Conker: How much?
Birdy: Got any mexi-pax?
Birdy: Don't matter...
Carl the Cog: Fuck off!
Conker: Why is everyone so offensive around here?
Carl the Cog: Either bring me back me missing cogs, or fuck off!
Conker: You don't have to shout.
Carl the Cog: I'm deaf! Speak up or fuck off!
Gargoyle: Have you ever sat on a piece of gothic architecture for 200 hundred years, it gets right up your ass you know.
Franky: I is gonna stick my big fork right in yas!
Conker: Were you parents related? Like before they were married?
King Bee: You're just like the rest of them! I ain't gonna tell ya about the big breasted babe then...
Conker: The... the big what?
King Bee: Ha ha! Thought that might have gotten you're attention!
King Bee: You know, in my own country, I am a king!
Conker: Oh, really?
King Bee: Yeah... that bitch threw me out. Apparently, the hive keeps getting stolen. I don't care. Couldn't fit in the fucking thing anyway, seen how fat she is... bitch!
Fire Imp 2: We can't get out through the normal door!
Fire Imp 1: Oh, well there's this door here. Where does that go?
Fire Imp 2: Um... I don't think we wanna go that way. It's the BACK PASSAGE!
Fire Imp 1: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Fire Imp 2: It can't be the only way out! What's this button do?
[Sirens go off]
Computer: Warning! Warning! Self-destruct in one second...
Fire Imp 1: Oh, you stupid f...
Sunflower: Conker, honey, fancy going for a little bounce?
Conker: A bounce? Okay... now this is what I call a platform game!
Conker: [after pouring cranberry juice] Now, logic would denote that anyone who drinks that... is gonna get the screamin' squits!
[Carl the Cog is stuck onto Mr. Big Cog]
Carl: Oh no! Not Mr. Big Cog! That's me buggered!
Conker: It certainly is...
Carl: Ohhh! I'm outta here!
Quentin: Say, I don't know what his problem is, I find it rather delicious!
Jizza: Hey, how ya doin?
Conker: Oh, hi.
Jizza: Won't ya come in and sit down, whaddya want?
Conker: Oh, um... this place really smells...
Jizza: Yeah, see, we're like fuckin dung beetles. We roll around in poo all day, fuck knows what for.
Conker: Oh, really, that's interesting...
Jizza: You want some poo?
Jizza: Right then, get your fuckin arse in there. There are these fuckin cows. Get 'em in there, get 'em to crap, and I'll make ya a ball of poo, and you can do whatever the hell you like with it. Go then, on your bike! You're still here? Fuck off wit' ya!
Conker: Oh, charming...
Mr. Barrel: Want to go for a ride?
Conker: Not Really.
Mr. Barrel: Not really, What?
Conker: A ride...
Mr. Barrel: A ride, yeah, lets go for a ride.
The Boss: There are two ways of doin this, my way or its a he'a a dead motherfucker way. Take your pick.
Conker: Oh finally, now this is more like it, an appreciative audience at last, somebody's pleased to see me
[waving to the crowd]
Conker: Yeh i know, i'm great, Yeh, Oh! I knew it was too good to be true.
Bugga: [talks to Jugga about his Big Boner and sees Conker in the arena] Who is this?
[camera zooms in on Conker]
Bugga: A Squirrel
[cheers to the crowd]
Bugga: Send in Fangy. Saturday Matinee.
Conker: Hum, Not quite sure what's going on here but there seems to be a door over there so i think i'll just mosey on over and say my farewells.
[Sees a caveman walking with two other cavemen and the two cavemen hop down while the other walks back]
Conker: [walks to one of the cavemen] Oh Hi, You're going this way too, I take it. I'll just wait here and follow you guys. Oh this doesn't sound good.
[the cavemen thinks "what the..." while a raptor comes out of the door which is in front of them]
Conker: [Bugga and Jugga laugh]
Bugga: Brown Loincloth Time!
[they watch as a caveman getting ripped apart by the raptor]
Conker: Oh, Is that the time? I gotta scoot.
The Boss: You've already got the disguise, so that's that one covered. You're also gonna need one of these. It's called... a bomb...
Conker: Right, now to sort out the ransom... err... rescue the little girl!
The Boss: When that bomb goes off, I suggest you leave town. And if you don't pull through... I suggest you leave town...
Sarge: You sure is lucky bastards to survive that atrocious atrocity!
Sarge: Here are your two main objectives. One, clear the way, we've got a war to fight! Two, clear the way... uh... err... oh wait, fuck that shit!
Tedi 1: Really, that's incredible...
Tedi 2: I mean, what if you were to give this game say... twenty intelligent people, honestly, what would that do? You see, what would that do?
Tedi 1: Yes, that's very interesting...
[Conker comes in with machine guns]
Tedi 2: What the fuck? It's that bloody squirrel! Quick! Get into character!
[Tediz make mindless snarling noises]
The Boss: People gotta show the appropriate levels of respect. When you step out of line, you can expect to be respected back. One of you guys has shown no respect. Who it is? I don't know. Could've been... Frankie... could've been... Chicho... could've been... Paulie...
[the Boss takes out a baseball bat and beats Paulie to death]
The Boss: DON'T... YOU... EVER... DO... THAT... AGAIN... TO ME!
Fire Imp 1: [spotting Conker] Hey Hey, Don't look now, Don't look now Furrey Guy, Looks Kinda *Flameble*
Fire Imp 2: *Flameble* ohh I like Flameble, what do we do?
Fire Imp 1: Hide, yes hide quick put the Tab out,
Fire Imp 2: so what do I do with this?
[holding up a cigar]
Fire Imp 1: Just shove it up your ass
Fire Imp 2: Oh, ok
[he literally shoves the cigar up his ass]
Conker: [to the camera If you leave the controller alone for a while] Hey I think he died! Are you dead?
Conker: I may be king and have all the money in the world, and all the land, and all that stuff. But you know, I don't really think I want it. I just wanna go home, with Berri, and, I don't know... have a bottle of beer. Not gonna happen.
[Conker leaves a bar]
Conker: Ugh... Doesn't look too good tonight.
[Conker heads to the castle]