Marco:
Calm down, I'll see what I can do about finding your little toy.
Captain Murphy:
It's not a toy. It makes real cupcakes, with a 40 watt bulb, and there's icing packets. But the secret ingredient is love. Damn it.
Marco:
Just try to calm down, go have some pudding.
Captain Murphy:
Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
Captain Murphy:
Way to go Sparks, you broke the monitor and you're dead. Happy?
[
Discussing what they would have if their brains were in robots]
Captain Murphy:
Wait a minute, he gets eye beams, but I can't get x-ray vision?
Sparks:
Okay... everybody gets x-ray vision.
Captain Murphy:
Yeah, and big chainsaw hands!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
I am a cyborg. My weak body couldn't deal with the viruses of the 21st century. So, using my I.Q. of 260 - that's 2-6-0 - I built a cybernetic body, and became this bastard child of science that you see before you. I'm not asking for your pity, and I don't want your apologies. All I want is your understanding and acceptance. I'm asking for your friendshi -
[
Sealab explodes]
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
That's not in the budget! How are we paying for all this?
Sparks:
Selling pot.
[
pause]
Sparks:
...Holders.
[
pause]
Sparks:
...Made of hemp.
Bebop Cola Machine:
[
singing like Louie Armstrong] And I think to myself, I need exact change.
Marco:
Once again, your stupidity has killed us!
Marco:
When I wear blue, I am like the wind. A hot LATIN wind!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
That shockwave created a subspace fracture.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Take that, subspace!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
Shut up.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
No.
[
Multiple Quinns and Stormys are caught in a subspace loop]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Hey Quinns, check it out! We built a time machine! Stormy Two is gonna' go back in time, and, uh, fix it all... up, there. Fix it...
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
You don't have the brain capacity to build a time machine.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
You're right. So I guess it's not so much a time machine... as it is a dodge ball connon! Say hello to my little friend...
[
the dodge ball cannon knocks all of the Quinns off of the screen]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Eat it! Eat it! Get some! Get some!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
Debbie DuPree:
Humans! You have a human brain.
Sparks:
But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!
Marco:
We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.
Captain Murphy:
Yeah, but... nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.
Debbie DuPree:
Uh, uh. Dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
They're gonna' hunt me? For sport?
Marco:
That's why we have to CRUSH mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.
Captain Murphy:
There goes my nipples again!
Captain Murphy:
Quiet, fignuts!
Old Gus:
The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years frozen in carbonite!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
A thousand years frozen in carbonite? It'll be so cold!
Captain Murphy:
My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
Captain Murphy:
Under Martian law doctors and other wizards are forbidden!
[
the crew discusses what it will be like when they all become robots]
Marco:
I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets right?
Sparks:
Nails, chains, you won't have titanium teeth for nothing.
Captain Murphy:
Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice.
Debbie DuPree:
[
laughs] No we won't.
Captain Murphy:
Maybe YOU won't!
Marco:
Santa Maria! Captain you cannot punish the crew like this. They will mutiny!
Captain Murphy:
I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs! The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies!
Sparks:
Take it easy there Tamberlain, sir.
Marco:
What kind of benefits are we talking about here? Hypothetically.
Sparks:
Uhh, you gotta check with henchman resources on that, it's not my department. But you will get a helmet and jumpsuit. Oh yeah, and metal teeth.
[
Marco imagines himself with helmet jumpsuit and metal teeth]
Marco:
That helmet makes me look like Ralph, you know, the motorcycle mouse.
Sparks:
How about a beret?
Marco:
Yeah, I can do a beret.
Sparks:
You're lucky. A lot of guys can't.
Captain Murphy:
It's time for the "I Hate Marco Show!"
Radio Singers:
I hate Marco, hate Marco, hate Marco, and his mailbox head!
Captain Murphy:
Go ahead caller, tell me why you hate Marco.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Hi, Howlin' Mad: long time listener, first time caller. The reason I hate Marco is... he's a mailbox head?
Captain Murphy:
Oh yeah, real original. Sit on it, Potsie!
Debbie DuPree:
Are you the dying, kid?
Griff:
I, uh... I, um...
Debbie DuPree:
You stutter, too? Could you have worse luck? Oh well, at least you won't have to deal with it in high school.
Marco:
You know, you throw a pretty good punch, Captain.
Captain Murphy:
Well, there were a lot of bullies in my neighborhood when I was a kid.
Marco:
Your dad got you boxing lessons?
Captain Murphy:
No, I just got beat up a lot. So now when I get the chance I like to sucker punch people.
Sparks:
Okay, the crew is not gonna take this, Skip. It's like, remember the Caine Mutiny?
Captain Murphy:
Caine Mutiny? I love Michael Caine. "Goodnight you princes of SeaLab, you kings of the ocean. People are always asking me, 'Whats it all about, Alfred?'"
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Oh my God! Giant squid! Giant squid!
Frenchman:
Ah yes, loligo giganticus, with a razor sharp that can tear steel as easily as I tear a croissant. But at heart, he is a peaceful giant.
Captain Murphy:
Consider yourself zinged!
[
Suspecting that a "sick" child has the bubonic plague]
Captain Murphy:
I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats!
Captain Murphy:
Save it for Queen Doppelpoppolus!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
I said it's dodgeball time, bitch.
Sparks:
Um, ok, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.
Debbie DuPree:
Why settle for a cat Hesh? You could be a robot... tiger.
Marco:
No, no, no! Absolamente no! If I have to be five foot nothing Hesh can't be a tiger!
Captain Murphy:
Your not the boss of tiger bot Hesh!
Captain Murphy:
It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!
Captain Murphy:
What you Scrooges need is some eggnog! Plenty'a liquor and nutmeg!
Scuba Diver:
Haha! No fish can withstand the might of my powerful spear gun, so capably wielded!
[
Almost directly taken from Apocalypse Now]
Captain Murphy:
Did they say why they want to terminate my command?
Marco:
They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
Captain Murphy:
Are my methods unsound?
Marco:
I don't see any method at all, sir.
Captain Murphy:
Are you an assassin?
Marco:
I'm a soldier.
Captain Murphy:
You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. SO WET WILLIE FOR YOU!
Captain Murphy:
Lady, unless you got a baby up your skirt, tell your story walkin'.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Hey, little dying guy! You like swimming?
Griff:
Afraid not, sir. My incredibly rare disease makes it far too dangerous...
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
That's great! 'Cause we're gonna be doing lots of swimming!
[
Sparks and Captain Murphy have gone to Hell for killing the SeaLab crew]
Sparks:
So how's the lava bath treating you?
Captain Murphy:
Oh, you know, mind blowing pain.
Sparks:
Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy:
How about you?
Sparks:
Oh? Ass full of red hot coals.
Captain Murphy:
Ass full of red hot coals...
Sparks:
Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy:
Your entire ass, just packed full of red hot coals?
Sparks:
Right to the rim, baby.
Captain Murphy:
You lucky bastard.
Sparks:
Yeah.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Cast off this taint, and become taintless!
[
Hesh is forced to be a caddy for Captain Murphy]
Hesh:
Golf sucks. Hesh wants to go to the Nineteenth Hole. Hesh wants jalapeno poppers. Hesh wants poppers.
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
Why do you think they call me Dr. Quinn?
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Um, I thought it was just a nickname. Y'know like Dr. Dre..."Eastsiiiide!"
Captain Murphy:
[
helium voice] Heelllooo... My name is Mr. Squeaky.
Hesh:
I'm gonna pull your legs off!
Captain Murphy:
Turns out they're... uh...
Bizarro Crew:
BIIIZZZAARROOOOOO!
Captain Murphy:
[
quiet/resigned] Man, I hate the Bizarros.
[
the Sealab crew are trapped in the utility closet and Murphy has badly beaten the technician "Beard Guy" and he's just woken up]
Beard Guy:
Ugh... my face...
Marco:
Oh, you're awake! Excellent.
Beard Guy:
[
badly disoriented] When old guy hit me...
Marco:
Fix away!
Beard Guy:
...I think I got my think a concussion.
Marco:
Waitin' on you!
Beard Guy:
...now... cause remember I can't fix stuff?
Debbie DuPree:
Oh, great! Now what do we do?
Beard Guy:
I gotta lay down back... 'cause our concussion had me sleepy.
[
Beard Guy drops to his knees and collapses onto the floor]
Marco:
...can't fix it laying down, baby.
Captain Murphy:
There can be only NONE!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
How can you afford it?
Sparks:
Selling pot.
[
pause]
Sparks:
That's it. Just pot.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
I am Stormy, SMOKER OF BITCHES!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
Looks like we're all missing something.
Captain Murphy:
That's the whole point. We don't know whose throat to slit?
Sparks:
What?
Captain Murphy:
What do you mean, what? There a throat that needs slitting, and we don't know where to lay the blade!
Captain Murphy:
Until we find the thief, I am declaring Martian law!
Sparks:
Um, I think its martial law.
Captain Murphy:
Silence! Under Martian law... uh... what are my powers, exactly?
Sparks:
Under martial law, you could suspend habeas corpus, empower a posse comitatus...
Captain Murphy:
That's crap. Mars is wild, untamed. I'm forming a cadre of Martian knights charged with enforcing Martian law.
Captain Murphy:
I dub thee Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, beater of ass. Be a hitter, babe.
Sparks:
And there goes Pod Six.
Debbie DuPree:
God, it so depressing.
Captain Murphy:
What? Pod Six was jerks!
Captain Murphy:
Punch it, ho-bag!
Master Loo:
[
to Debbie] You are a complete dirty whore.
Griff:
[
he and Olly have found Brock trapped] Well, well, if it isn't Brock. I haven't seen you since that nasty business in Pidgeon Falls.
Brock:
Griff! You've gotta help me! My leg's trapped!
Griff:
Just a moment, I'm drinking in the irony of it all... okay.
Griff:
Well, whatever you do, don't use that explosive-tipped speargun over there
[
points]
Griff:
to shoot those rocks up there
[
points]
Ollie:
Splendid idea! Splendid!
Brock:
No! I said don't!
Griff:
Well Brock, got any... final requests?
[
chuckles]
Brock:
Uh... don't kill me?
Griff:
[
laughs] ... No.
[
swims over to Ollie]
Griff:
Put him out of my misery!
[
Ollie fires, crushing Brock as he begs for mercy]
Ollie:
Ah, Brock, we hardly knew you, ya dead bastard!
Hesh:
[
playing with a stuffed bear and giraffe] "Noooo! We can't! It's forbidden!" Come on! Hump her! Make a bearaffe!... or a giraffeabear.
Sparks:
All I wanted was to make the world a better place... and to make an assload of money.
Beck Bristow:
[
talking about working on the set of 'OZ'] Funny story about that... see... one time I was filming this scene where this guy was raping me...
Debbie DuPree:
Ummm... how exactly is this story funny?
Beck Bristow:
Oh, I forgot to say he was wearing a clown suit at the time.
Sparks:
Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, non-believer! A totalling of sums and a snapping of necks, and you will count yourself among the damned!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
[
concerning the gloops overrunning the station] Marco, are you in or out?
Marco:
Man... I'm torn between my love of gloops and my love of killing
[
the gloop in his hand farts]
Marco:
... OK! Let's grease 'em!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
T.V. God, I want porno bloopers!
Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks:
I just got one thing to say; you dont like me... fine. Go watch anie-may.
Robot Security Gaurd:
[
quickly] Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub my robot ass.
Marco:
[
sung to the tune of Jingle Bells] Dolphin meat! Dolphin meat! Nature's greatest treat! Oh what fun, it is to eat That damn, damn dolphin meat!
[
seeing a child tourist wearing a Wisconsin cheese-head hat]
Captain Murphy:
That boy's head is made of cheese!
Sparks:
Uh, I think it's just a hat, sir.
Captain Murphy:
Well, still...
Sparks:
Still WHAT?
Master Loo:
See the way my body's glowing? Yeah. A lot of people can't do that.
[
Murphy is finishing a joke]
Captain Murphy:
...and so she goes, "Sixty-nine? You mean you want beef with broccoli?"
[
Murphy laughs]
Master Loo:
Yeah. Wow, sexist *and* racist. Two in one. You have a gift.
[
Murphy thinks Griff has the bubonic plague]
Griff:
There's a bit of a chill in here, don't you think?
Captain Murphy:
That chill, my young non-friend, is probably the cold breath of the reaper breathing down your neck.
Sparks:
Don't expect any mercy during the great robot wars.
Marco:
I have the strength of a bear that has the strength of *two* bears!
Marco:
Stormy, get ahold of yourself! Now, use your pincer and grab the squid's tentacle.
Captain Murphy:
Oh, yeah, and tell him to cough.
Marco:
I said *tentacle*!
[
Quinn and Stormy are fighting a squid for Murphy's toy oven]
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
It just wants the oven! If we give it the oven...
Captain Murphy:
No! Absolutely not! You are expendable. That oven is not!
Sparks:
How many times do I have to hear the word "womb" today?
[
while on the phone trying to buy golf balls]
Captain Murphy:
Look, all I want is some sweet, new balls.
Operator:
Excuse me?
Captain Murphy:
Aww, clean your ears out, woman! I want some BALLS!
Captain Murphy:
Now, you people find that oven, or die trying. You hear that, Stormy? DIE.
Hesh:
[
rapping] You're one year older / One year wiser / Rock 'n' roll star, king, czar, and a kaiser / A room full of friends / A mouth full of cake / Every present is for you, and it feels pretty great / You're the man of the hour, the V.I.P. / You get the first slice of the P-I-E / So blow out your candles and make a wish / Put a smile on, 'cuz it's your birthday, bitch!
[
talking to a scorpion while trapped beneath a vending machine]
Captain Murphy:
What's that? You laid your brood of eggs in my navel? That's wonderful! Ben, we're gonna be mommies!
[
Murphy wants to put his brain into a robot body]
Captain Murphy:
I just don't know if I want to live a thousand years. Even as an Adrienne Barbeau-bot.
Debbie DuPree:
Do you want to end up like the Bosnians?
Sharco:
What?
Captain of FCC Search and Destroy Vessel:
[
holding up a magazine with his picture on the cover] Hey, does this make me look fat?
Captain's Son:
No.
[
pauses]
Captain's Son:
But your ass does.
Captain's Son:
[
laughs loudly] Your ass!
[
laugh trails off]
Captain's Son:
I'll go swab the deck.
Captain Murphy:
Marco! Hey, buddy, you wanna... I don't know, hang out or play a game?
Marco:
I'm a little busy here, sir. Trying to keep a trillion-dollar research station running smoothly.
Captain Murphy:
Ooh, fun. I'll be the mommy.
Captain Murphy:
This is Chopper Dave's made-for-TV movie: Blades of Vengeance. See, he's a helicopter pilot by day, but by night he fights crime... as a werewolf.
[
Murphy has sent the crew to salvage treasure from a wrecked ship]
Captain Murphy:
No pirates, they're paranoid! They've probably got the gold hidden in their butts! Bust open a few skeletons.
Marco:
We're not messing with those nasty old skeletons.
[
pause]
Captain Murphy:
You're an ass.
[
speaking on a bullhorn while riding in the "Murph-mobile"]
Captain Murphy:
Attention all personnel: the black death is here. The great pestilence is finally upon us. Repent! Repent!
Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks:
Now, are you in? Or does miniature John Wilkes Booth shoot you in the face about a billion more times?
Debbie DuPree:
So... it must be fascinating to be a big Hollywood movie star.
Beck Bristow:
You know what's fascinating? Hot, nasty sex with Hollywood actor Beck Bristow.
Debbie DuPree:
[
seductively] Are you... propositioning me?
Beck Bristow:
No. Merely stating a fact.
[
Quinn and Bizarro Debbie are having sex]
Bizarro Quinn:
[
to Debbie] You wanna make him jealous? Get delicious bizarro revenge, okay? Mmmmm. Delicious.
Debbie DuPree:
Get off of me, you disgusting little monster!
Bizarro Quinn:
You likey, likey, likey, likey, likey, likey!
Debbie DuPree:
Oh, no, no, no, no!
Bizarro Quinn:
Bizarro! You can do it! You can do it in there! Just put it... put it in my pants!
Debbie DuPree:
Oh, no!
Captain Murphy:
That's it, resist his charms.
[
Murphy has just prevented Quinn from taking a vacation]
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
No way! You ain't doing this!
Captain Murphy:
I need you here in case Holo Gram gets sucked back into the spirit world.
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn:
I have plane tickets! A hotel!
Captain Murphy:
Look, what's done is done. There's no reasoning with me.
Debbie DuPree:
I wouldn't have guessed he was Jewish.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
He also knows karate!
Captain Murphy:
Screw it! We've got bigger problems than a butter shortage.
[
repeated line]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Smoke that bitch!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
If we light ourselves on fire we could go anywhere!
[
dumps gasoline all over himself and lights himself on fire]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Ahhhh! It burns! It burns! Oh my God! Burning! Burning! Burning! Burn!
Talking Cobra:
I was once human! My name was Larry! I'm just kidding I was always a snake.
[
Virjay has been killed and the crew is about to be eaten by monsters]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Fling Virjay's corspe out there!
Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks:
That ain't Christian!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters:
Neither was Virjay!
[
short pause; everybody laughs]
Talking Tree 1:
Hey Pat you going to that local team sporting event tonight.
Talking Tree 2:
Well, Matt, I was going to go, but I'm not sure who to *root* for.
[
they both laugh]
Talking Tree 1:
Pat I have bark cancer.
Talking Tree 2:
Oh my God!
Talking Tree 1:
I want you to have this.
[
pulls out a dead baby and hands it to tree 2]
Talking Tree 2:
Oh, that's so sweet. I know how much you love dead babies.
Talking Tree 1:
Just take it, Pat, I'm full.
[
pause]
Talking Tree 1:
Of dead babies!
[
they both laugh]
Talking Tree 2:
How long do you got to live?
[
he eats the dead baby]
Talking Tree 1:
Well, the tree doctor said it'd would probability be about hundred years, because I don't really have bark cancer!
[
they laugh]
Talking Tree 2:
Oh you got me!
Talking Tree 1:
Cazing!
Talking Tree 2:
Ha, take this!
[
tree 2 stabs tree 1 in the eye with a stapler]
Hesh:
[
rapping] Yo yo yo let me see those hands people! Huh huh huh come on y'all you can feel the beat! Remember way back when I was smoking crack, you were at the corner, selling that ass and I took that rusty pipe and gave your head that gash and I took all your cash and spent it on smack? I feel bad about that. Not really. But yeah. That and the time I made you shave your cat. Oh and the time I said your ass looked fat. And when I played the back nine when you were taking a nap. As a matter of fact I been a down right jerk. Stealing cash from your purse but that ain't the worst. Can't believe I'm the guy who filled your eye with shit. We went to ER and I hit on the nurse. Now we're here at the church to make it offical. I love you bitch you're a motherfucking...
Hesh:
Hesh wants married sex!
Related Links
*
