Sealab 2021 (2000–2005)
Sparks: Um, ok, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.
Debbie DuPree: Why settle for a cat Hesh? You could be a robot... tiger.
Marco: No, no, no! Absolamente no! If I have to be five foot nothing Hesh can't be a tiger!
Captain Murphy: Your not the boss of tiger bot Hesh!
Captain Murphy: Way to go Sparks, you broke the monitor and you're dead. Happy?
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: That's not in the budget! How are we paying for all this?
Sparks: Selling pot.
Sparks: ...Made of hemp.
Bebop Cola Machine: [singing like Louie Armstrong] And I think to myself, I need exact change.
Marco: When I wear blue, I am like the wind. A hot LATIN wind!
[Multiple Quinns and Stormys are caught in a subspace loop]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Hey Quinns, check it out! We built a time machine! Stormy Two is gonna' go back in time, and, uh, fix it all... up, there. Fix it...
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: You don't have the brain capacity to build a time machine.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: You're right. So I guess it's not so much a time machine... as it is a dodge ball connon! Say hello to my little friend...
[the dodge ball cannon knocks all of the Quinns off of the screen]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Eat it! Eat it! Get some! Get some!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
Debbie DuPree: Humans! You have a human brain.
Sparks: But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!
Marco: We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.
Captain Murphy: Yeah, but... nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.
Debbie DuPree: Uh, uh. Dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: They're gonna' hunt me? For sport?
Marco: That's why we have to CRUSH mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Stormy.
Old Gus: The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years frozen in carbonite!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: A thousand years frozen in carbonite? It'll be so cold!
Captain Murphy: My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
Marco: What kind of benefits are we talking about here? Hypothetically.
Sparks: Uhh, you gotta check with henchman resources on that, it's not my department. But you will get a helmet and jumpsuit. Oh yeah, and metal teeth.
[Marco imagines himself with helmet jumpsuit and metal teeth]
Marco: That helmet makes me look like Ralph, you know, the motorcycle mouse.
Sparks: How about a beret?
Marco: Yeah, I can do a beret.
Sparks: You're lucky. A lot of guys can't.
Marco: You know, you throw a pretty good punch, Captain.
Captain Murphy: Well, there were a lot of bullies in my neighborhood when I was a kid.
Marco: Your dad got you boxing lessons?
Captain Murphy: No, I just got beat up a lot. So now when I get the chance I like to sucker punch people.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Oh my God! Giant squid! Giant squid!
Frenchman: Ah yes, loligo giganticus, with a razor sharp that can tear steel as easily as I tear a croissant. But at heart, he is a peaceful giant.
[Suspecting that a "sick" child has the bubonic plague]
Captain Murphy: I'll bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: I said it's dodgeball time, bitch.
Captain Murphy: It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!
[Almost directly taken from Apocalypse Now]
Captain Murphy: Did they say why they want to terminate my command?
Marco: They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound.
Captain Murphy: Are my methods unsound?
Marco: I don't see any method at all, sir.
Captain Murphy: Are you an assassin?
Marco: I'm a soldier.
Captain Murphy: You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. SO WET WILLIE FOR YOU!
[Sparks and Captain Murphy have gone to Hell for killing the SeaLab crew]
Sparks: So how's the lava bath treating you?
Captain Murphy: Oh, you know, mind blowing pain.
Sparks: Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy: How about you?
Sparks: Oh? Ass full of red hot coals.
Captain Murphy: Ass full of red hot coals...
Sparks: Oh yeah.
Captain Murphy: Your entire ass, just packed full of red hot coals?
Sparks: Right to the rim, baby.
Captain Murphy: You lucky bastard.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Cast off this taint, and become taintless!
Captain Murphy: [helium voice] Heelllooo... My name is Mr. Squeaky.
Captain Murphy: Turns out they're... uh...
Bizarro Crew: BIIIZZZAARROOOOOO!
Captain Murphy: [quiet/resigned] Man, I hate the Bizarros.
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: How can you afford it?
Sparks: Selling pot.
Sparks: That's it. Just pot.
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: Looks like we're all missing something.
Captain Murphy: That's the whole point. We don't know whose throat to slit?
Captain Murphy: What do you mean, what? There a throat that needs slitting, and we don't know where to lay the blade!
Captain Murphy: Until we find the thief, I am declaring Martian law!
Sparks: Um, I think its martial law.
Captain Murphy: Silence! Under Martian law... uh... what are my powers, exactly?
Sparks: Under martial law, you could suspend habeas corpus, empower a posse comitatus...
Captain Murphy: That's crap. Mars is wild, untamed. I'm forming a cadre of Martian knights charged with enforcing Martian law.
Sparks: And there goes Pod Six.
Debbie DuPree: God, it so depressing.
Captain Murphy: What? Pod Six was jerks!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: [concerning the gloops overrunning the station] Marco, are you in or out?
Marco: Man... I'm torn between my love of gloops and my love of killing
[the gloop in his hand farts]
Marco: ... OK! Let's grease 'em!
Marco: [sung to the tune of Jingle Bells] Dolphin meat! Dolphin meat! Nature's greatest treat! Oh what fun, it is to eat That damn, damn dolphin meat!
[Murphy is finishing a joke]
Captain Murphy: ...and so she goes, "Sixty-nine? You mean you want beef with broccoli?"
Master Loo: Yeah. Wow, sexist *and* racist. Two in one. You have a gift.
Marco: I have the strength of a bear that has the strength of *two* bears!
[Quinn and Stormy are fighting a squid for Murphy's toy oven]
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: It just wants the oven! If we give it the oven...
Captain Murphy: No! Absolutely not! You are expendable. That oven is not!
Sparks: How many times do I have to hear the word "womb" today?
[while on the phone trying to buy golf balls]
Captain Murphy: Look, all I want is some sweet, new balls.
Operator: Excuse me?
Captain Murphy: Aww, clean your ears out, woman! I want some BALLS!
Captain Murphy: Now, you people find that oven, or die trying. You hear that, Stormy? DIE.
[Murphy wants to put his brain into a robot body]
Captain Murphy: I just don't know if I want to live a thousand years. Even as an Adrienne Barbeau-bot.
Captain Murphy: Marco! Hey, buddy, you wanna... I don't know, hang out or play a game?
Marco: I'm a little busy here, sir. Trying to keep a trillion-dollar research station running smoothly.
Captain Murphy: Ooh, fun. I'll be the mommy.
Captain Murphy: This is Chopper Dave's made-for-TV movie: Blades of Vengeance. See, he's a helicopter pilot by day, but by night he fights crime... as a werewolf.
[Murphy has sent the crew to salvage treasure from a wrecked ship]
Captain Murphy: No pirates, they're paranoid! They've probably got the gold hidden in their butts! Bust open a few skeletons.
Marco: We're not messing with those nasty old skeletons.
Captain Murphy: You're an ass.
Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks: Now, are you in? Or does miniature John Wilkes Booth shoot you in the face about a billion more times?
Debbie DuPree: So... it must be fascinating to be a big Hollywood movie star.
Beck Bristow: You know what's fascinating? Hot, nasty sex with Hollywood actor Beck Bristow.
Debbie DuPree: [seductively] Are you... propositioning me?
Beck Bristow: No. Merely stating a fact.
[Quinn and Bizarro Debbie are having sex]
Bizarro Quinn: [to Debbie] You wanna make him jealous? Get delicious bizarro revenge, okay? Mmmmm. Delicious.
Debbie DuPree: Get off of me, you disgusting little monster!
Bizarro Quinn: You likey, likey, likey, likey, likey, likey!
Debbie DuPree: Oh, no, no, no, no!
Bizarro Quinn: Bizarro! You can do it! You can do it in there! Just put it... put it in my pants!
Debbie DuPree: Oh, no!
Captain Murphy: That's it, resist his charms.
[Murphy has just prevented Quinn from taking a vacation]
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: No way! You ain't doing this!
Captain Murphy: I need you here in case Holo Gram gets sucked back into the spirit world.
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: I have plane tickets! A hotel!
Captain Murphy: Look, what's done is done. There's no reasoning with me.
Captain Murphy: Screw it! We've got bigger problems than a butter shortage.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: If we light ourselves on fire we could go anywhere!
[dumps gasoline all over himself and lights himself on fire]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Ahhhh! It burns! It burns! Oh my God! Burning! Burning! Burning! Burn!
Hesh: [rapping] Yo yo yo let me see those hands people! Huh huh huh come on y'all you can feel the beat! Remember way back when I was smoking crack, you were at the corner, selling that ass and I took that rusty pipe and gave your head that gash and I took all your cash and spent it on smack? I feel bad about that. Not really. But yeah. That and the time I made you shave your cat. Oh and the time I said your ass looked fat. And when I played the back nine when you were taking a nap. As a matter of fact I been a down right jerk. Stealing cash from your purse but that ain't the worst. Can't believe I'm the guy who filled your eye with shit. We went to ER and I hit on the nurse. Now we're here at the church to make it offical. I love you bitch you're a motherfucking...
Captain Murphy: [about to have sex] Do you want the moustache on or off?
Debbie DuPree: Off.
Captain Murphy: Too bad.
Marco: Calm down, I'll see what I can do about finding your little toy.
Captain Murphy: It's not a toy. It makes real cupcakes, with a 40 watt bulb, and there's icing packets. But the secret ingredient is love. Damn it.
Marco: Just try to calm down, go have some pudding.
Captain Murphy: Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
Captain Murphy: Under Martian law doctors and other wizards are forbidden!
[Discussing what they would have if their brains were in robots]
Captain Murphy: Wait a minute, he gets eye beams, but I can't get x-ray vision?
Sparks: Okay... everybody gets x-ray vision.
Captain Murphy: Yeah, and big chainsaw hands!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: That shockwave created a subspace fracture.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Take that, subspace!
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: Shut up.
[the crew discusses what it will be like when they all become robots]
Marco: I can chew nails and shoot them out as bullets right?
Sparks: Nails, chains, you won't have titanium teeth for nothing.
Captain Murphy: Nails are like candy to robots, and we'll eat tires instead of licorice.
Debbie DuPree: [laughs] No we won't.
Captain Murphy: Maybe YOU won't!
Marco: Santa Maria! Captain you cannot punish the crew like this. They will mutiny!
Captain Murphy: I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs! The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies!
Sparks: Take it easy there Tamberlain, sir.
Captain Murphy: It's time for the "I Hate Marco Show!"
Radio Singers: I hate Marco, hate Marco, hate Marco, and his mailbox head!
Captain Murphy: Go ahead caller, tell me why you hate Marco.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Hi, Howlin' Mad: long time listener, first time caller. The reason I hate Marco is... he's a mailbox head?
Captain Murphy: Oh yeah, real original. Sit on it, Potsie!
Debbie DuPree: Are you the dying, kid?
Griff: I, uh... I, um...
Debbie DuPree: You stutter, too? Could you have worse luck? Oh well, at least you won't have to deal with it in high school.
Sparks: Okay, the crew is not gonna take this, Skip. It's like, remember the Caine Mutiny?
Captain Murphy: Caine Mutiny? I love Michael Caine. "Goodnight you princes of SeaLab, you kings of the ocean. People are always asking me, 'Whats it all about, Alfred?'"
Captain Murphy: What you Scrooges need is some eggnog! Plenty'a liquor and nutmeg!
Scuba Diver: Haha! No fish can withstand the might of my powerful spear gun, so capably wielded!
Captain Murphy: Lady, unless you got a baby up your skirt, tell your story walkin'.
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Hey, little dying guy! You like swimming?
Griff: Afraid not, sir. My incredibly rare disease makes it far too dangerous...
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: That's great! 'Cause we're gonna be doing lots of swimming!
[Hesh is forced to be a caddy for Captain Murphy]
Hesh: Golf sucks. Hesh wants to go to the Nineteenth Hole. Hesh wants jalapeno poppers. Hesh wants poppers.
Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn: Why do you think they call me Dr. Quinn?
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Um, I thought it was just a nickname. Y'know like Dr. Dre..."Eastsiiiide!"
[the Sealab crew are trapped in the utility closet and Murphy has badly beaten the technician "Beard Guy" and he's just woken up]
Beard Guy: Ugh... my face...
Marco: Oh, you're awake! Excellent.
Beard Guy: [badly disoriented] When old guy hit me...
Marco: Fix away!
Beard Guy: ...I think I got my think a concussion.
Marco: Waitin' on you!
Beard Guy: ...now... cause remember I can't fix stuff?
Debbie DuPree: Oh, great! Now what do we do?
Beard Guy: I gotta lay down back... 'cause our concussion had me sleepy.
[Beard Guy drops to his knees and collapses onto the floor]
Marco: ...can't fix it laying down, baby.
Captain Murphy: I dub thee Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, beater of ass. Be a hitter, babe.
Griff: [he and Olly have found Brock trapped] Well, well, if it isn't Brock. I haven't seen you since that nasty business in Pidgeon Falls.
Brock: Griff! You've gotta help me! My leg's trapped!
Griff: Just a moment, I'm drinking in the irony of it all... okay.
Griff: Well, whatever you do, don't use that explosive-tipped speargun over there
Griff: to shoot those rocks up there
Ollie: Splendid idea! Splendid!
Brock: No! I said don't!
Griff: Well Brock, got any... final requests?
Brock: Uh... don't kill me?
Griff: [laughs] ... No.
[swims over to Ollie]
Griff: Put him out of my misery!
[Ollie fires, crushing Brock as he begs for mercy]
Ollie: Ah, Brock, we hardly knew you, ya dead bastard!
Hesh: [playing with a stuffed bear and giraffe] "Noooo! We can't! It's forbidden!" Come on! Hump her! Make a bearaffe!... or a giraffeabear.
Sparks: All I wanted was to make the world a better place... and to make an assload of money.
Beck Bristow: [talking about working on the set of 'OZ'] Funny story about that... see... one time I was filming this scene where this guy was raping me...
Debbie DuPree: Ummm... how exactly is this story funny?
Beck Bristow: Oh, I forgot to say he was wearing a clown suit at the time.
Sparks: Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, non-believer! A totalling of sums and a snapping of necks, and you will count yourself among the damned!
Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks: I just got one thing to say; you dont like me... fine. Go watch anie-may.
Robot Security Gaurd: [quickly] Rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub my robot ass.
[seeing a child tourist wearing a Wisconsin cheese-head hat]
Captain Murphy: That boy's head is made of cheese!
Sparks: Uh, I think it's just a hat, sir.
Captain Murphy: Well, still...
Sparks: Still WHAT?
Master Loo: See the way my body's glowing? Yeah. A lot of people can't do that.
[Murphy thinks Griff has the bubonic plague]
Griff: There's a bit of a chill in here, don't you think?
Captain Murphy: That chill, my young non-friend, is probably the cold breath of the reaper breathing down your neck.
Marco: Stormy, get ahold of yourself! Now, use your pincer and grab the squid's tentacle.
Captain Murphy: Oh, yeah, and tell him to cough.
Marco: I said *tentacle*!
Hesh: [rapping] You're one year older / One year wiser / Rock 'n' roll star, king, czar, and a kaiser / A room full of friends / A mouth full of cake / Every present is for you, and it feels pretty great / You're the man of the hour, the V.I.P. / You get the first slice of the P-I-E / So blow out your candles and make a wish / Put a smile on, 'cuz it's your birthday, bitch!
[talking to a scorpion while trapped beneath a vending machine]
Captain Murphy: What's that? You laid your brood of eggs in my navel? That's wonderful! Ben, we're gonna be mommies!
Debbie DuPree: Do you want to end up like the Bosnians?
Captain of FCC Search and Destroy Vessel: [holding up a magazine with his picture on the cover] Hey, does this make me look fat?
Captain's Son: No.
Captain's Son: But your ass does.
Captain's Son: [laughs loudly] Your ass!
[laugh trails off]
Captain's Son: I'll go swab the deck.
[speaking on a bullhorn while riding in the "Murph-mobile"]
Captain Murphy: Attention all personnel: the black death is here. The great pestilence is finally upon us. Repent! Repent!
Talking Cobra: I was once human! My name was Larry! I'm just kidding I was always a snake.
[Virjay has been killed and the crew is about to be eaten by monsters]
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Fling Virjay's corspe out there!
Captain Bellerophon "Tornado" Shanks: That ain't Christian!
Derek 'Stormy' Waters: Neither was Virjay!
[short pause; everybody laughs]
Talking Tree 1: Hey Pat you going to that local team sporting event tonight.
Talking Tree 2: Well, Matt, I was going to go, but I'm not sure who to *root* for.
[they both laugh]
Talking Tree 1: Pat I have bark cancer.
Talking Tree 2: Oh my God!
Talking Tree 1: I want you to have this.
[pulls out a dead baby and hands it to tree 2]
Talking Tree 2: Oh, that's so sweet. I know how much you love dead babies.
Talking Tree 1: Just take it, Pat, I'm full.
Talking Tree 1: Of dead babies!
[they both laugh]
Talking Tree 2: How long do you got to live?
[he eats the dead baby]
Talking Tree 1: Well, the tree doctor said it'd would probability be about hundred years, because I don't really have bark cancer!
Talking Tree 2: Oh you got me!
Talking Tree 1: Cazing!
Talking Tree 2: Ha, take this!
[tree 2 stabs tree 1 in the eye with a stapler]