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Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (TV Series 2001– ) Poster

Quotes

Jonny: My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari.

Janet: Jonny, I'm not pregnant.

Jonny: Oh thank fuck for that!

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Jonny: I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.

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Janet: Louise, if you get any bonier you're gonna look like the Jolly Roger.

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Gaz: I need a sort of... a sort of chunky woman, you know, who brings me sandwiches and puts Matey in me bath.

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Gaz: Donna - I've never asked you this before and it seems a bit stupid since we've been shagging each other's brains out for the last month but... would you like to go for a drink sometime?

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Louise: You've never practiced safe sex in your life. You've picked up more dirt than a JCB in your time!

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Donna: I'm fine with porn. What I'm not fine with is enough porn to keep the entire British forces from missing their girlfriends!

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Janet: I got into his head. It's amazing what a bit of male psychological manipulation can do. And getting my baps out on the first date didn't do any harm either...

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[running down the stairs]

Jonny: I heard the sound of tumbling biscuits!

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Gaz: [in bed with Donna] Fancy a bit of "role play", then? My sleeping beauty, I am your prince and shall awaken you with my mighty sword.

[thrusts]

Gaz: I'm going to *stab* you with it.

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Gaz: [the song Gaz sings every night before he sleeps so not to dream about sheep] Bringing in the sheep, bringing in the sheep. What do we do before we sleep? We bring in all the sheep.

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Gaz: [on the subject of Janet and Jonny having a baby] Imagine his face on her tits!

Jonny: I often have.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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