Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
Jake: Malik, can you hold my books for me?
Jake: Sure, why not? I am the token black guy. I'm just supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say things like: "Damn," "Shit," and "That is whack."
Catherine: Can I ask you a question? Why is it then whenever I tell a guy to put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass?
Jake: That's way too much information for me, Catherine.
Catherine: Oh no Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that whenever they're done I always take a huge dump.
Catherine: On their chest.
Malik: Oh, that is whack.
Jake: What about her?
[indicating hunchback girl walking by]
Austin: So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is. Naah, way too easy.
[indicates hippy albino girl playing guitar]
Albino Folk Singer: [singing] I have no pigment...
Austin: Any girl with a guitar is hot.
Albino Folk Singer: [continues singing] I need sunscreen...
Austin: Granted, she's a hippy albino. She could still be prom queen.
Jake: OK, uh, what about the Fratelli sisters?
[indicates awkward Siamese twins conjoined at the head]
Austin: So they're slightly disfigured and connected at the head. But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.
Reggie Ray: Yeah, I'd do 'em.
Austin: I know you would, Reggie Ray. But no, I'm looking for somebody who's really messed up. I'm talking about a real shitbomb.
[Janie Briggs walks by]
Austin: Well, bombs away!
Jake: No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janie Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!
Malik: Damn! That shit's whack!
Girl at Party: Dude, you can't start a slow clap at any time and expect everyone to join in.
Cheerleaders: We are the North Compton wild cats. We're black, we know it. We shake our big booties and we show it. We ain't white. We ain't white. We definitely ain't white. Break it down niggas.
[practicing for cheerleading]
Sandy Sue: Give me an 'H'. Give me a 'U'. Give me a - giant pussy-licking, ass-fucker cock shit.
[the other cheerleaders are disturbed]
Sandy Sue: I'm sorry. That was my Tourette's.
Janey: [talking about her dead mom] I remember it like it was yesterday, Christmas 1989, Dad had just gotten fired from the Zippo factory, Mom was still pulling in tricks to make ends meet, Daniel Day Lewis won an Oscar for "My Left Foot", and all I wanted was one of those little Betsy Wetsy dolls.
Jake: I remember those. Push her belly and she'd piss all over herself.
Janey: She said she was going out to get my Dad a bottle of gin, but, I knew she was going to get me that present. It was raining really hard that night, the roads were... slippery.
Jake: Janey... a car accident.
Janey: No. Cancer.
Ricky Lipman: I am *not* going to let you hurt Janey again. Okay? Besides, I love her.
Jake: Well, so do I.
Ricky Lipman: [slight pause] Yes, but I'm the best friend, and I have been in front of her face the whole time, and she just... hasn't really realized it yet, but she will.
Jake: Well, I'm the reformed cool guy, who's learned the error of his ways. She's gonna forgive me for my mistakes, and realize that I really love her.
Ricky Lipman: [pause] Dammit, that's true.
Mitch: We were just sitting here like we were supposed to.
Richard Vernon: I don't want to hear it mister you just bought yourself another detention.
Mitch: That's not fair.
Richard Vernon: Cry me a river dickface, you just bought yourself another one.
Mitch: [under his breath] Shorts.
Richard Vernon: What was that?
Mitch: Eat... My... Shorts.
Richard Vernon: Don't mess with the bull young man you'll get the horns.
Mitch: I'm shaking.
Richard Vernon: You just got another.
Richard Vernon: You Through?
Mitch: Not even close *BUD*?
Richard Vernon: You want another one?
Richard Vernon: You got it.
Richard Vernon: That's another one, you had enough yet?
Richard Vernon: That's another one.
Richard Vernon: You just say the word I'll keep going.
Richard Vernon: Eennie-meenie-mynie...?
Priscilla: You put the "suck" in "liposuction" You put the "ooo" in "jiu-jitsu" You put the "ism" in "This is all just a defense mechanism".
Amanda: Do you think I sleep with every guy who writes me a letter? No. I give them hand jobs.
Flight attendant: OH GOD! Ugh! I can't believe you fell for that crap! That's from 'Pretty In Pink!'
Janey: Are you sure?
Flight attendant: Trust me!
Jake: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Flight attendant: Let me give you a little piece of advice here, Jake. Why don't you lose the "I'm the cute and sensitive, popular boy with the big side-burns routine. It's just too pathetic! And for once tell Janey what's true in your heart. Stop being such a little bitch! And you Janey! Little miss other-side-of-the-tracks awkward rebel girl with the pseudo-intellectual glasses, why don't you wise-up to Jake's bullshit! Stop being such a dumbass!
Austin: [to Jake] All I said was, "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear, so Jake here thinks that I'm telling you a big secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals... a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."
Jake: Hey Janey. What's up?
Janey: Excuse me?
Jake: So listen, you ever wondered what it'd be like to be the most popular girl in school?
Janey: You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals?
Jake: Uhhh ha ha... exactly. So, if you're interested, I thought that maybe we could go out sometime, be seen in public together.
Janey: You haven't spoken to me in, like, four years Jake.
Jake: Actually, it's more like six, because the time you're referring to when we were standing in line at that movie theater, I was actually saying "hey" to the person right behind you.
Janey: I read Sylvia Plath, I listen to Bikini Kill and I eat Tofu. I am a unique rebel.
Mitch: It sounds more like you're a lesbo.
Mr. Briggs: Hey, Mitch, now leave your sister alone.
Janey: Thank you, daddy.
Mr. Briggs: If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher, that's her decision.
Jake: She's right... maybe you should get on that plane to Paris. Cause if you stay, we really only have the summer, then I go to college and we'll talk on the phone and spend the occasional weekend together which is nice. But chances are one night I'm gonna get wrecked and have unprotected sex with some girl in my dorm. You'll find her thong and call me a slut... I'll call you a cock-tease and we'll break up. So when you really think about it, what's the point?
Catherine: I want you.
Jake: Catherine that's disgusting! You're my sister.
Catherine: Only by blood.
Jake: [Shoving her off] What's wrong with this family?
Malik: What are you doing here?
Other black guy at party: What do you mean?
Malik: I am supposed to be the only black guy at this party.
Other black guy at party: Oh, damn. Shit.
Malik: I know, I know.
Areola: But I don't need the class schedule. I only come to this country to be object of lust for poor nerds who cannot get American pussy.
Mr. Cornish: Well, isn't that wonderful?
Janey: Jake! How did you get in here? I thought Dad bolted the door.
Jake: There's a big hole in the side of your house.
Priscilla: This is not a cheer-ocracy, I am the cheer-tator, I will make the cheer-isions around here, and I will deal with the cheer-onsequences.
Mitch: No longer will our penises be flaccid and unused.
Bruce: No longer we steal grandfather's porn.
Ox: No longer we will wear blindfolds while jerking each other off.
Richard Vernon: [after giving Mitch detention when mouths off to him] You want another one?
Richard Vernon: You got it.
Richard Vernon: That's another one. You had enough yet?
Richard Vernon: That's another one.
Richard Vernon: You just say the word and I'll keep going.
Richard Vernon: Eeny meeny miney...?
Richard Vernon: Your mother was a...?
Richard Vernon: He was a famous clown...?
Ox: Mitch, cut it out!
[Mitch looks at Ox, Ox mouths "stop!"]
Richard Vernon: [to Ox] That's another one for you.
Ox: But I was just...
Richard Vernon: That's another one.
Bruce: So, that make one more for Ox or for Mitch?
Richard Vernon: Another.
Bruce: I confused.
Richard Vernon: Shut your hole, Wang Chung. I got all three of you guys for the rest of your natural born lives. You're mine. Next time I come in here I'm
[Mitch mouths in unison]
Richard Vernon: cracking skulls.
Preston's Mother: [Preston's parents are just heading out for the weekend] Now Preston, I left some money on the kitchen counter. Oh and the emergency numbers are by the phone.
Preston's Father: And remember son, *no parties*.
Keg Guy: [Two guys walk by carring a beer keg] Keg commin' through! Hey Preston.
Preston: Whats up, man?
Preston's Father: We're really trusting you here, Preston.
Roadie: [Behind them two more guys roll in a huge set of speakers] Where to you want these speakers set up, Preston?
Preston: Yeah, just move all the shit in the dinning room.
[to his parents]
Preston: Well, you guys really should hit the road, huh? Because I'm about to take your antique Ferrari to the inner-city to buy some hookers.
Preston's Mother: Well, alright, sweetie. We'll call you later to check in.
Preston: Oh, mom. By that point I'll be so high I won't even know where the phone is.
Preston's Mother: Haha! Thats my boy.
Janey: I knew it. That's a line from "She's All That". I masturbate to that movie.
Jake: [to nosy Flight Attendant right behind them] Do you mind?
Airline Clerk: Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy.
Jake: No, not Janey Briggs. She's got glasses. And a ponytail. Ugh, she's got paint on her overalls. What is that?
Tour Guide: Who would've guessed that everyone in school was a professional dancer?
Janey: [Talking about after her mom's death] It was so hard. I had to take on all of her responsibilities. Cooking... cleaning... breast feeding Mitch.
Mitch: God, we're pathetic. How are we ever going to get laid before graduation?
Ox: Mitch, we're freshman.
Ricky Lipman: Heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Ricky!
Janey Briggs: Hey Ricky, what'd you do this weekend?
Ricky Lipman: Well, Friday night I stood outside your window - in the pouring rain - screaming your name for several hours. And then I spent all of Saturday and Sunday making you this great "Janey I've Been Desperately Trying To Tell You That I Am Madly In Love With You" ummmm... Mix Tape for your birthday.
Janey Briggs: A mix tape? Awwwww that's so sweet Ricky. See you in English.
Mr. Briggs: Hey, uhh... I might be late to pick you guys up.
Janey: Why, do you have a job interview today, daddy?
Mr. Briggs: No honey, I'll probably just be waaaay too drunk.
Janey: Oh, that's good, we don't want you drinking and driving.
Mr. Briggs: Oh, I'll be driving. I'll just be too shit-faced to remember to pick you guys up.
Janey: Ok, bye, daddy.
[Kisses him on the cheek]
Mr. Briggs: Bye, Pumpkin.
Reggie Ray: Coach says it's okay to bleed from the ears.
Austin: All I said was: "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear so that Jake here thinks I'm telling you a secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."
Catherine: [During song] So what if we have the same mother. Tonight I'm gonna Fuck my Brother.
Mitch: Getting pussy, no matter what.
Bruce: Even if it with dirty slut.
Ox: True love is what I want the most.
Fat Short Order Cook: I just jerked off in your French toast.
Malik: Sure, Why Not?, After All I am Jus the token black guy. I'm jus supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say thing like: "Damn," "shit," and "that's whack."
Flight attendant: We all know where this is going... fucking teenagers.
Preston: Hey guys, welcome to the party. If you're gonna have sex, please - do it in my parents' bedroom.
Jake: That's for taking Janie to the prom.
Priscilla: You put the...
[Jake punches her]
Jake: That's for hurting Janie at Preston's party.
Les: [Filming] This is really turning me on.
[Jake punches him]
Jake: That's for... being really weird.
[Starts to leave, turns and punches Les' floating bag]
Jake: I don't know what that was for.
[Bruce is white, but trying to be Chinese]
Bruce: What up my yellow brothers? Chinks inda house!
Jake: How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?
Austin: I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... material.
Jake: Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.
Austin: Jake Wyler. So congratulations man, you just blew my perfect season. Senor You-Just-Blew-My-Perfect-Season!
Jake: What do you want Austin?
Austin: A life.
Austin: And payback.
Jake: C'mon man, don't do this.
Austin: No, man, I think I'll hang around. Maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-A-T-P...
Jake: Man, go away!
Austin: No, I think I'll stick around, maybe tell Janie a little s-e-c-r-a... p.
[to Chinese guys]
Bruce: Catch you later.
[to two white guys dressed in hip-hop clothing]
Bruce: What happenin?
White Guy: Damn, Shorty, dawg is pretendin to be all Asian, and shit.
White Guy: That Cracka is white! Can't he see dat yo?
Priscilla: Ok we're down a cheerleader for Friday night's state game against North Compton and that squad always tries to bring it!
Ashley: Bring what Priscilla?
Priscilla: Bring IT
Ashley: Right but, what it IT?
Priscilla: IT's just what they bring OK?,
[rolls her eyes]
Jake: [after being thrown a pink bra, grinning] Tiffany...
[throws away the bra]
Jake: [after being thrown red panties, continues grinning] Melanie...
[throws away the panties]
Jake: [after being thrown white boxer-shorts, smile disappears quickly] Hey Arthur...
[keeps the boxer-shorts]
The Coach: I don't give a damn how many concussions he has left. Get Reggie Ray on the field, fuck dammit!
Naked Girl at Party: Hey! She has the same outfit as me!
[Looks towards the passing Areola]
Naked Girl's Friend: Yeah, but you look better in it.
Priscilla: Think you'II be prom queen? WeII, think again, Janey. You put the ass in embarrassment. The boo in taboo. And the suck in Iiposuction.
Janey: Is that the best you can do?
Priscilla: No. You aIso put the brat in bratwurst. And the eew in jujitsu. And the ism in, This is aII just a defense mechanism.
Austin: My Freshmen year I threw 176 touchdown passes. My sophomore year I ran in 14 myself... with a sprained ankle, a broken phalange, a ruptured duodenum, and a sub dermal hematoma.
Malik: I'm only in this song because I'm the black guy.
Janey: You never noticed my glasses and my ponytail.
Jake: And don't forget the paint-covered overalls.
Janey: Right... you never noticed those either.
Mr. Cornish: And now the moment every popular guy who's made a bet to turn a rebellious girl into prom queen has been waiting for.
Albino Folk Singer: [singing] I have no pigment, I need sunscreen...
Austin: Looks like you've got a thing for butt-ugly girls, Mr. I've Got A Thing For Butt-Ugly Girls!
Catherine: I can help you... for a price, and this time I don't want your car.
The Coach: Wyler, after all the goddamn shenanigans you pulled last season, you should be thanking God you're still in goddamn uniform, goddamnit!
Football Announcer: [not showing emotion] That has got to be the worst play I have EVER seen! *Ever*.
Catherine: [commenting on Janey's looks] I'd say you're one big fucking train wreck.
Catherine: [Upon arriving at the party] I'm gonna go fuck a complete stranger.
The Coach: All right, goddamn it, lets hit the showers goddamn it! Bunch of candy-asses, we're gonna get our asses kicked Friday!
Jake: Coach what about fourth-string? I didn't even get to practice...
The Coach: Wyler... after all the goddamn shenanigans you pulled last season, you should be thanking god that your still in goddamn uniform, Goddamn it!
Janey: Daddy, there's this boy, Jake...
Mr. Briggs: [Concerned] Oh, honey, Jake knocked you up!
Janey: [Horrified] What? No!
Jake: [Sincerely] Thanks, MaIik. You're inteIIigent and insightfuI. You don't get the respect you deserve.
Malik: [Eagerly] That's great! I've aIways wanted to discuss...
Jake: [Interrupting] I actually got to go. Sorry.