Marcus: Oh, don't worry, I think your mum is keen on him.
Ali: [shouting] She's not keen on him! She's only keen on me!
Will: The thing is, a person's life is like a TV show. I was the star of The Will Show. And The Will Show wasn't an ensemble drama. Guests came and went, but I was the regular. It came down to me and me alone. If Marcus' mum couldn't manage her own show, if her ratings were falling, it was sad, but that was her problem. Ultimately, the whole single mum plotline was a bit complicated for me.
Marcus: He fancies you. he told me.
Will: This crying in the morning thing, this depression, let's get that fixed.
Will: I want to go out with her, OK. I'd like her to be my girlfriend, here I said it.
Marcus: How brilliant!
Will: I was in some strange territory. Was I frightened? I was petrified.
Marcus: You don't give a shit about anyone and no one gives a shit about you!
Will: I am an island. I am bloody Ibiza!
Lindsey's Mum: 'Shake your Ass'... is he Moroccan?
Will: I couldn't possibly think of a worse godfather for Imogene. You know me. I'll drop her at her christening. I'll forget her birthdays until her 18th, when I'll take her out and get her drunk and possibly, let's face it, you know, try and shag her. I mean, seriously, it's a very, very bad choice.
Couple: We know, I just thought you had hidden depths.
Will: No. No. You've always had that wrong. I really am this shallow.
Will: Once you open your door to one person anyone can come in.
Marcus: I think I killed a duck!
Fiona: You selfish bastard!
[Regarding the first SPAT meeting]
Will: I'll tell you one thing. Men are bastards. After about ten minutes I wanted to cut my *own* penis off with a kitchen knife.
[Fiona is crying]
Fiona: Will, am I a bad mother?
Will: No. No, you're not a bad mother. You're just a barking lunatic.
[Fiona is crying]
Fiona: I mean, he's a special - very, very special boy and he's got a special soul, and I've wounded it.
Will: Oh, please, just shut up. You're wounding my soul.
Christine: Oh, no... it's just I thought you had hidden depths.
Will: No, no, you've always had that wrong about me. I really am this shallow.
Will: In my opinion, all men are islands. And what's more, now's the time to be one. This is an island age.
Marcus: Suddenly I realized - two people isn't enough. You need backup. If you're only two people, and someone drops off the edge, then you're on your own. Two isn't a large enough number. You need three at least.
Will: I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up, and I often wonder, to be absolutely honest, if I'd ever have time for a job; how do people cram them in?
Will: It was terrible! Terrible! But driving really fast behind the ambulance was fantastic!
Will: Me, I didn't mean anything. About anything, to anyone. And I knew that guaranteed me a long, depression-free life.
Will: [Will is in the supermarket. His father's song "Santa's Super Sleigh" begins to play over the speakers]
Will: Ah, shit! It can't be. November the sodding 19th... Six weeks before Christmas and already they were playing the bloody thing.
[singing "Killing me Softly"]
Will: And there I was killing them softly with my song. Or rather being killed. And not so softly either.
Will: My life is made up of units of time. Buying CDs - two units. Eating lunch - three units. Exercising - two units. All in all, I had a very full life. It's just that it didn't mean anything.
Ellie: You like rap?
Marcus: A little. It's by black people mostly. And they're pretty angry most of the time. But sometimes they just want to have sex.
Marcus: I wanna be with her more, I wanna be with her all the time, and I wanna tell her things I don't even tell you or mum. And I don't want her to have another boyfriend. I suppose if I could have all those things, I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not.
Will: [voiceover] She couldn't stay at my place, and she didn't have a DVD, or satellite, or cable, so we were always stuck watching some crap made for t.v. movie about a kid with leukemia. I had to end it.
Will: [voiceover] Having been Will the Good Guy, I didn't relish going back to my usual role of Will the Unreliable, Emotionally Stunted Asshole.
Marcus: I got the letter. Thanks.
Fiona: Oh my God. I'd forgotten.
Marcus: You forgot? You forgot a suicide letter?
Fiona: Well I didn't think I'd have to remember it, did I? Did you read the part where I said I'd always love you?
Marcus: It's a bit hard for you to love me when you're dead, isn't it?
Fiona: I can understand why you're angry, Marcus. But I don't feel the same as I did yesterday, if it's any help.
Marcus: What? It's all gone away? All that?
Fiona: No, but, for the moment, I feel better.
Marcus: The moment's no good for me. I can see you feel better at the moment. You just put the kettle on. What happens when you finish your tea? What happens when I go back to school? I can't be here to watch you all the time!
Marcus: I'll come if you take my mom, too. She hasn't got any money, so either we'll have to go somewhere cheap, or you'll have to treat us.
Will: Well, listen, don't beat about the bush, Marcus.
Marcus: Why should I? We're poor, you're rich, you pay. You can bring your little boy if you like. I don't mind.
Will: That's really big of you.
Will: It's a CD, Marcus, by Mystikal. They're cool. You'll like them
Fiona: What kind of music is Mystikal?
Will: It's sort of, um, world music...
Marcus: [reads a song title] "Shake Ya Ass."
Will: ...Slash rap-type thing.
Marcus: I used to want Will to marry my mom.
Ali: You serious?
Marcus: Yeah, but that was when she was depressed and I was desperate.
Will: Thanks, mate.
Lindsey's Mum: Are we having duck? Delicious!
Rachel: Ali has trouble meeting new people. You see, the last guy I went out with, well, he wasn't all good news.
Ali: [loudly] He was a liar!
Rachel: All right Ali.
Ali: If your dad goes out with my mum, you're gonna be dead, really dead.
Marcus: I don't think it's really up to me, now is it?
Ali: Well it better be... or you're gonna die.
Will: [thinking] Every man is an island. I stand by that. But clearly some men are island CHAINS. Underneath, they are connected...
Marcus: [thinking] I used to think two was not enough. But now things are great; there are loads of people... I don't know what Will was so pissed about. I don't think couples are the future. The way I see it now, we both got back-up now. It's like that thing Jon Bon Jovi said: 'No man is an island.'
Fiona: When you sing it brings sunshine and happiness into my heart
Will: [to himself] No, Marcus, I do not want to come over for Christmas. I do not want to spend Christmas with Ms. Granola Suicide and her spawn.
[singing along to the music that Will gave him]
Marcus: Watch yourself! Shake your ass and watch yourself!
Will: [voiceover] There. She was gone. There was no more to say.
Marcus: [Out to lunch with Will & his mum] I made her put on that nice jumper.
Will: As for his mum, she appeared to be clinically insane, and wearing some kind of yeti costume!
Will: Oh for Christ sake! Because... she's got this rare disease and if she believes something that's not right and you tell her the truth her brain will boil in her head and she'll die! Ok?
Will: Hang on, come back.
Marcus: He's off his head!
Will: He's not.
Marcus: He said he'd cut me up into little pieces and hide me under the floorboards.
Will: He did?
Marcus: No, but I'm sure he's capable of it.
Will: All men are islands. And what's more, this is the time to be one. This is an island age. A hundred years ago, for example, you had to depend on other people. No one had TV or CDs or DVDs or home espresso makers. As a matter of fact they didn't have anything cool. Whereas now you can make yourself a little island paradise. With the right supplies, and more importantly the right attitude, you can become sun-drenched, tropical, a magnet for young Swedish tourists.
Will: How do I look?
Marcus: Good. How do I look?
Will: Just... just be as normal as you can, alright?
Mr. Chalmers: That was Def Penalty Kru, with "Murder for Life."
Rachel: Allie finds all this rather difficult.
Will: Well yeah, so does Marcus. Don't ya mate, divorced parents and not knowing how to feel about new people.
Marcus: Absolutely. That's absolutely the way I feel.
Marcus: There's this girl at school. Ellie. I kind of want her to be my girlfriend. But I'm not exactly sure. I've been meaning to ask you.
Marcus: What's the difference between a girl who's your friend and a girlfriend?
Will: Well, I don't know. Do you want to touch her?
Marcus: Is that so important?
Will: Yeah, you've heard about sex, right? It is kind of a big deal.
Marcus: I know. I'm not stupid. I just can't believe there's nothing more to it. I mean, like, I want to be with her more. I want to be with her all the time.
Marcus: And I want to tell her things I don't even tell you or Mum. And I don't want her to have another boyfriend. If I could have all those things... I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not.
Will: Well, you'll learn, Marcus. You won't feel like that forever.
Marcus: After a few visits, Will seemed to think he had to ask me serious questions, when I knew he really wanted to watch Xina Warrior princess.
Will: So... Hows it going at home then?
Marcus: Me and my mum? She's alright thanks.
Will: I mean... Y'know.
Marcus: Yeah I know. Nah, nothing like that.
Will: It still bother you then?
Marcus: Does it bother me...
Marcus: [Voice over] Every single day. That's why I come here instead of going home.
Marcus: Yeah. When I think about it.
Will: ...Fucking hell.
Marcus: [Voice over] I didn't know why he swore like that, but it made me feel better. It made me feel like it wasn't being pathetic to get so scared.