Nick presents: how narration can ruin your footage
Film students will want to suffer through SEXO WEIRDO, a compilation film from Nick Millard. Other potential viewers of the Something Weird Video DVD-R revival should be card carrying Millard Masochists (like me).
Nick's MOS 2-day-wonders ran 60 minutes each, the minimum for not-too-picky storefront theaters to book as filler. This compilation film is a bloated and unbearable 106 minutes.
Opening act is Wendy Winders in black leather corset/gloves & black stockings, masturbating with a red candle which immediately makes the contents XXX. However, most of the later segments are censored (I've seen the After Hours Cinema DVD originals) with hardcore penetration shots removed.
Lurid voice-over, mainly by trying-to-sound-sexy femmes, dominates the compilation, most of it retained intact from the original films' tracks. Hearing nine different narrations back-to-back exposes the crudity and inanity of Nick's approach: would-be filmmakers will quickly learn how damaging reliance on voice-over is to their work (it being the last refuge of a budget-strapped coward).
After Wendy is done fingering herself (with glove-covered digits for kinkiness' sake), Nick's favorite actress Lynn Harris appears, being dry humped by a hairy (body hair division) guy. It's a dry hump and we have to listen (man, am I sick of it!) to Nick's famous jazz track where the sax player bleats repetitiously a "Salt Peanuts" riff during his endless solo. No penetration is shown, and Harris' puffy nipples are the dominant contrast.
Vignette #3 is a sepia-toned excerpt from Nick's black & white film BRIGITTA, in which we watch the Elke Cole's title character dance on her huge stage in Munich, as the femme narrator accuses her of possessing "a 42 inch pair", which she doesn't.
The fabulous Maria Arnold appears next, also in black leather corset/black stockings/garter belt (hmm, I guess Nick gets off on same), sucking on her own prominent nipples. She segues to Nick's favorite fetish, masturbating with a black high-heeled shoe. A blues plays as Nick switches to 3-way split screen images of Maria -I can't complain.
Lynn Harris returns next topless with a gay-guy voice-over, pretending that she is portraying a transsexual (!!). The fact we've just seen her au naturel kind of contradicts this idiotic notion, though Nick has her panties padded to imply she's packing a penis in there somewhere. She's sucking on a red candle, hopefully a fresh one and not just a leftover from Wendy's segment.
Section #6 consists of a couple of scenes from LES CHIC, obvious visually but also hammered home by the reprise of the Frenchy narrator gal talking about Chic on the soundtrack. (Failing marks go to IMDb researchers who call Ric Lutze's character "Sheik" out of evident ignorance -I'm filing a fixit for this credit right now.) Sandy Carey and Linda York appear, with Nick leaving Rene Bond out completely.
GUNILLA is the source of the next scene, a heavily bowdlerized section of the newlyweds humping, starring Linda York again. Hubby's cock is prominently featured, getting a hand-job and rubbing against Linda's breasts, but no fellatio or penetration is shown. The voice-over is from GUNILLA too, but the voyeur watching this film, star Suzanne Fields, is left out entirely, just like Bond was. I'm guessing Nick was recycling his footage but lamely (and pointlessly) trying to cover his tracks by leaving out the superstars. It couldn't have been a case of not wanting to pay them residuals (just kidding!).
Eighth segment was new footage to me -perhaps from a Nick theatrical film that has thus far never been issued on video. It features Nancy Martin (maybe it's taken from PLEASURE SPOTS -I'll have to re-watch that one to see if it matches) in a threesome with a bearded guy and a brunette -the girls are called Erica and Joanie. Emphasis is on foot fetishism, with plenty of footsie action as the lucky guy gets a boot from one girl and black hose from the other girl massaging his member vigorously. Narrator announces a money shot but it's not visible in the seemingly incompetent long shot photography here (I've never seen a competent pornographer use a long shot to show ejaculation, not even for Peter North!).
Final vignette of SEXO WEIRDO is long enough to be a feature film in itself -perhaps an unreleased (or merely not revived yet on video) Nick movie circa 1969. It stars a beautiful, real (check out the pubic hair) pale redhead named Joy who's wandering around what looks like Manhattan and girly voice-over informs us is mad because she's been knocked up by her no-good boy friend Peter.
What transpires is an unusual melodrama that quite possibly was not made by Nick, lacking his usual fetishes and even featuring a Black actress. As far as I can recall Nick was, closet racist or merely pandering to presumed exhibitors' wishes, never guilty of hiring minorities for his numerous films. He makes Woody Allen look like an affirmative action advocate by comparison.
Joy schemes to "hump Peter to death" (sort of) by having her gal pal Cindy (an attractive brunette) seduce him and then joining in for an endless threesome. Running over 40 minutes, this featurette is loaded with masturbation, lesbian sex and troilism, all staged on a crummy looking bed (again not typical Nick), and strictly softcore. Peter's cock is barely shown at all, perhaps only accidentally, as Joy gives him a hand job and even a blow job under a carefully placed towel.
Tedious story is punctuated by terrible dialog dubbing of both female and male voices, never matched to any lip movements on screen. Climax has Joy dragging in the aforementioned Black actress for a foursome and then a very poorly staged violent conclusion involving a knife.
The only satisfaction I received watching this farrago was recognizing the old footage and its sources. Hopefully an intrepid IMDb-er will be able to figure out who's featured in the final segment and from where it derives.
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