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Nostalgic porn trying to be romantic

4/10
Author: lor_ from New York, New York
27 October 2010

This forgettable porn programmer points up the slipshod "scholarship" of so-called experts in the Adult Cinema. Not only is its year incorrectly listed in IMDb, but the idiot who writes SWV back-liner notes is completely out of touch with reality in his comments. I'll set the record straight.

The film was obviously inspired by the September 1975 publication of a book "The First Time" by Karl Fleming and Anne Taylor Fleming, so the 1974 listed in the title is absurd, unless pornographers had access to Marty McFly's DeLorean. This truly forgotten tome has interviews with people relating their intro to sex, covering as motley a crew of folks as one could imagine: Liberace, Maya Angelou, Clifford Irving, Mae West, Erica Jong, Art Buchwald and Jack Lemmon among many others. And we still see Anne Taylor Fleming giving highbrow verbal essays on the PBS Newshour from time to time.

But getting back to the gutter, the film consists of five vignettes of couples having sex for the first time, often holding up that Fleming book to the camera. Balding John Seeman initiates young redhead Victoria in the opener, carefully and sensitively guiding her step by step into XXX land. It's educational and pretty romantic, complete with massive ejaculation and punchline that he was a present from her mom. How sweet!

In part two a 22-year-old guy is initiated by a cougar wearing too much eye makeup. Lest we get too impressed by the tastefulness here, the lady flamboyantly eats a cherry and makes a face at the camera after he leaves. Music is stolen from John Coltrane's wonderful Atlantic LP "Olé", featuring Eric Dolphy.

Third vignette starts just after a couple has gotten married, and sporting very lame Southern accents they make love, "so glad we waited" style. A completely phony-baloney turn.

Next up "Crocodile Rock" plays as two very fresh-looking girls read THE FIRST TIME book aloud, and are stimulated enough to have lesbian sex for...the first time! This was a diverting scene, matching a truly flat chested blonde with a buxom brunette outfitted with big glasses and fake freckles on her face.

Finale has Seeman back as Morty with a full head of hair (rug) as "Hava Nagila" plays and the unsung (and unidentified) comedic heroine of the movie TAKE ME LIKE WOW does a very exaggerated Jewish American Princess routine as his g.f. Ruthie. Coltrane is back on the soundtrack, lifted this time from Miles Davis's classic "Kind of Blue" session. When Ruthie gives in and Seeman finally ejaculates, movie ends on a comic note with the actress's look of utter disgust.

Now the "Don" who shills for Something Weird has the temerity to conclude that the 1st and last Seeman segments have panache because they were filmed "at least a decade" apart. Since this film was made in 1975 or 1976, that would date the last loop as shot in 1964 or earlier. Not only was Seeman still in college (at Chapel Hill) back then, but its content does not conform to an early '60s stag film and of course they weren't being shot in direct sound in them days. Furthermore, his unnamed costar looks exactly the same as she appears in TAKE ME LIKE WOW, a 1974 film; she would clearly have been WAY underage (and not mature enough looking) for this to be 1964. What a total idiot.

The film has also been reissued on DVD by Alpha Blue Archives from a poor quality print, under the title "The First Time I Ever...".

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