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Country Girl's Hollywood Adventure (1975)

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Rock-bottom amateur porn
3 November 2010 | by See all my reviews

On Volume 82 of Something Weird's Dragon Art Theatre series lurks that most dreaded of beasties: amateur night porn. "Country Girl's Hollywood Adventure", with its generic title a tipoff, is truly embarrassing to watch.

Even in porn, just as in the currently trendy spate of horror videos, a minimum level of competence is required. The bar is set low, but there is a bar of sorts. CGHA does a limbo move way below that bar.

Title heroine is a gap-toothed non-beauty whose only asset is the fact we haven't seen her umpteen times before (for good reason). Her pigtailed mom looks about the same age as she is, another instant defect. After servicing the well-hung farmhand Cool Dog Luke, heroine Glory hitchhikes from porn Appalachia (probably shot a mile from L.A. as in so many Buckalew hick soft porn epics that preceded this XXX entry) to Hollywood, courtesy of Jack & Jessica, in driving scenes that are fake beyond belief.

The travelogue footage of Tinseltown, with FUNNY LADY on a marquee to indicate film's 1975 vintage leads to Glory falling into the clutches of Uncle Jack, a creepy agent whose tiny penis would ordinarily disqualify him from adult film casting, but not here. After he's introduced having sex with a girl in a photo booth, he takes incestuous advantage of Glory, and the other Jack, he with a car, joins in for a threesome.

This is very dull porn, which the anonymous filmmakers attempt to liven up (and pad) in almost avant garde (bite my tongue!) fashion, probably inspired by the underground cinema of Bruce Conner. During the threesome, we are treated to endless blurry footage on the TV set they're watching of Dick Clark's "American Bandstand", an interview of Muhammad Ali by Howard Cosell, a Chicago Cubs baseball game, and numerous TV commercials. If this were not bad enough, pathetic Muzak pop tunes are simultaneously played on the soundtrack to nearly drown out the TV, including "Dream", the Beatles' "Michelle", title theme from THE SOUND OF MUSIC, Paul Simon's "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary & Thyme", "Blue Velvet" and even a snatch of a Janis Joplin performance.

Back home ma is humming "There's No Place Like Home" and balling Cool Dog Luke, clutching a postcard from Glory all the while. Glory shows up for a visit with Uncle Jack in tow, and an incestuous foursome results, after some exceedingly dull chit chat about orgies back in "Hollyweird". Uncle Jack's inability to get an erection means that Glory has to settle for a dry hump this time. Miserable ending has our four superstars nude by a piano singing "There's No Place Like Home".

You would be hard-pressed to do a worse job than is on display here - I left out Jessica's stream of consciousness monologues as she feels (understandably) left out of the action -she presumably was an unsuccessful performance artist who wandered onto this porn film "set".

Additional music, all of it poorly chosen, includes Sonny Rollins' version of the ALFIE theme, "Sunny" in TWO different renditions, "Homeward Bound", musical cues by Elmer Bernstein from various of his westerns, "Call Me Irresponsible" (Freudian Slip choice), "Close to You", movie theme "Emily", "Shooting Star", "It's Impossible", "Love Is Blue", Roger Daltrey singing "See Me, Feel Me" and "We've Only Just Begun" (is that a threat, coming late in the film?).

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