Orange County (2002)
Firefighter: What's your name?
Lance: Uh, Joe... John... uh, Joe-John.
Firefighter: Your name's Joe-John?
Lance: John-ston, Johnston. Joe.
Firefighter: You wanna tell me what happened here?
Lance: Uh, there was a fire, I dunno, I came by and it's... checkin out the fire.
Firefighter: Well that lady uh, Mona? She said that you two were in the building together when the fire started.
Lance: Yeah, she's a liar, cuz I dunno her so whatever, whatever she says is a lie, so...
Firefighter: K, so you're saying you weren't in the building with that woman?
Lance: No, not I! Aright, she started it, aright? Because she was like "I hate my job, I'm gonna burn this mother down!" And I said "You better not... you better not!"
Firefighter: She said it was an electrical fire.
Lance: It was. It was a total electrical fire, it was like uh, the switches had sparks comin out, and the sockets, and uh it was like the 4th of July, man!
Firefighter: Why aren't you wearing your pants, Joe?
Lance: I tripped, and uh then I had to take 'em off to run faster out of the flames...
Lance: I think I inhaled some smoke, will you excuse me one second, I'll be right back.
[runs away in the background]
Firefighter: [into walkie talkie] We got a sprinter. Five foot five, no pants, unkempt... portly.
Don.Durkett: SEAN! You're my same height, that is neat.
Mr. Burke: Now, when I say "Romeo and Juliet," who comes to mind?
Dana: Claire Danes?
Mr. Burke: That's right, Claire Danes. Who else?
Chad: Leonardo DiCaprio.
Mr. Burke: Right. Who else? Well, you know someone else was involved in that movie who in some ways is as famous as Leonardo Di Caprio. And his name is William Shakespeare. And some great movies have been made based on his plays: Hamlet, West Side Story, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Waterworld, Gladiator, Chocolat...
Shaun: Lance, I want you to stay in your room.
Shaun: Because you're an embarrassment.
Lance: Do you want me to get naked and start the revolution?
Principal Harbert: People, June is just around the corner, let's talk graduation speakers. Ideas?
Shaun: Toni Morrison, she's in town that same weekend for a book signing. She's won the Nobel Prize.
Principal Harbert: Interesting... Dana, didn't you say you have a cousin who was friends with Britney spears?
Bud Brumder: A writer? What do you have to write about? You're not oppressed. You're not gay.
Shaun: Mom, you know money can't buy happiness...
Cindy: Oh grow up, yes it can!
Shaun: But you and Dad have money and you're both miserable.
Cindy: ...He's miserable?
Mr. Burke: Shaun! I read your story. You used a lot of big words. Great! Good for you! It was a little long, so I didn't read the whole thing, but who cares 'cause I gave you an A!
Cindy: So I married Bob, for you! I had sex with Bob four times for you! So how can you call me a bad mother?
Shaun: Dude... dude... dude!
[Lance stops vaccuming]
Shaun: Where are Bob's pain pills?
Shaun: No, this is Excedrin!
Lance: It's a decoy... I put all my stash in bottles... yellow are painkillers, they go in the Excedrin!
Shaun: Listen to me, I need Bob's pain pills!
Lance: Bob doesn't have any pain pills.
Shaun: Yes he does!
Lance: Not anymore, I sold them.
Ashley: You know how you told me that every night before you go to bed you'd pray that you'd get into Stanford?
Ashley: Well the other night I prayed for something too.
Ashley: I prayed... that you wouldn't get into Stanford.
Shaun: [astonished] Why?
Ashley: Well I didn't really think it was gonna work!
Ashley: Look Shaun, I'm sorry you didn't get into Stanford. But if you think that going here is the only way that you can be the person you want to be, well then I just feel sorry for you.
Shaun: Hey guys, what's up?
Chad: Hey, what's up dude? Hey dude, check this out. Last night we're at this party, and little Arlo here,he decides to like confess his undying love to me. Did I tell ya he was a fruitcake or what?
Arlo: Bro, that's not true. This is the real story dude. Chad crashed at my house right, and I woke up in the night, he wa fondling my...
Chad: Dude, I lost my keys. I was looking for 'em.
Lance: Dude, I never went to college and check me out. I'm kick ass!
Shaun: You think you're going to create a T-shirt company? You can't even dress yourself!
Krista: Bud is getting so fat. You should really talk to him, he's going to have a heart attack. Plus he's fat.
Bud Brumder: What is that smell? What am I sitting in?
Cindy: Relax. It's just urine.
Bud Brumder: Oh.
Bud Brumder: You know your son was being a real brat today, a real pain in the ass.
Cindy: My son.
Bud Brumder: He said I was selfish. He said that everything's always about me.
Cindy: He called me a drama queen, said I was trying to sabotage him.
Shaun: What are you doing lying there?
Lance: Oh, my parole officer wants to give me a drug test and I need your urine... can I score some of your piss?
Lance: Awesome, man.
[Bud sees his young wife flirting with the pool guy]
Bud Brumder: What the f...?
Bud Brumder: [Exhales at his ex-wife] I need a drink. Do you have any beer, Coyote Ugly?
Lance: [Stripped down to his underwear] Shaun. Shaun...
Lance: Shaun. It's so psychedelic. Buddy, I light one match, and the building blows up.
[Giggles deviously, while Shaun looks slightly horrified]
Lance: Well, I was just tryin' to help you, bro.
Shaun: [Incredulous] By lighting the building on fire?
Lance: Well, I was high...
Shaun: You're *always* high! Y-you're a drugged out loser. You think you're gonna' create a T-shirt company? You can't even dress yourSELF!
Lance: [Deflated] Harsh.
Shaun: I should have seen this coming. The one day I need my family to come through for me, they end up doing what they always do: my father goes ballistic, my mother gets plastered, and my brother burns down a building. It's like they've all come together in some evil conspiracy to prevent me from getting anywhere.
Ashley: [Annoyed] Is that what you think?
Shaun: What else am I supposed to think?
Ashley: You know, I really believed, that you wanted to go to Stanford, because you wanted to study with Marcus Skinner. But that's not it, is it?
Shaun: What are you talking about?
Ashley: You want to run away. You want to be free of everybody. And you think by coming up here, you're gonna' meet people who are smarter, and saner... and better. You know, if you went to Stanford, that'd be the end of us. It doesn't seem to me that thought's ever crossed your mind.
Shaun: Oh, Ashley, come on!
Ashley: Shaun, I'm sorry you didn't get into Stanford. But if you think that going here is the only way that you can be the person you want to be, well, then I just feel sorry for you.
[Lance has discovered that Shaun can't get into Stanford]
Lance: You should sue, man. This isn't right. Sue the school.
Shaun: Shut up, Lance.
Lance: Or you know what? Just go to Stanford anyway. Go there and take the classes. Don't take "no" for an answer. Just say, "I'm goin' here. Kiss my ass."
Shaun: That's actually a good idea!
Lance: What is?
Shaun: I should! I should go up to Stanford! If I talk with the dean of admissions face to face, and tell him my situation, - he's gotta let me in.
Lance: I can get you there in three hours.