Phoenix Nights (2001–2002)

Peter Kay: Brian Potter, Max, Paul Le Roy, Keith Lard

Photos 

Quotes 

• [talking about the inflatable Penis] 

  Jerry St Clair : We're not having that.

  Brian Potter : You're damn right Jerry, we're not having that go on take it back.

  Dodgy Eric : But Brian...

  Brian Potter : It's a family fun day man, there's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a love length.

• [Max is almost run over leaving a French Supermarket with a trolley full of alcohol] 

  Max : Hey. Le Beer. Le Dickhead. Watch it son.

• Brian Potter : What's the matter with you, man?

  Jerry St Clair : What's the matter with me? I'll tell you what's the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t'jumble. I've been rolled round t'car park all day dressed as a hernia and I've got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.

  Brian Potter : Rubber Burns? Weren't he a Scottish poet?

• Dodgy Eric : [about the Bucking Bronco]  I'll give you a week's free trial while I get your table fixed, then she's got to go to the European Finals in Dusseldorf.

  Brian Potter : Dusseldorf? Oh, good. You can take "das fruit machine" back with you.

• [Dougie Hayes has delivered a giant inflatable penis] 

  Dodgy Eric : Well what do you think?

  Brian Potter : It's not a bouncy castle.

  Dodgy Eric : You never said a castle.

  Brian Potter : I said I wanted an inflatable.

  Dodgy Eric : It is an inflatable.

  Brian Potter : Inflatable filth.

• [discussing what to do with an Giant Inflatable Penis] 

  Young Kenny : Can't we disguise it?

  Brian Potter : Yeah we can, we'll put a wool hat on it and say it's you.

  Dodgy Eric : It's not what it looks Brian.

  Brian Potter : Not what it looks. Not what it looks. It's a twenty-foot cock and balls man. It don't look like nothing else, it's not happening.

• [Max produces a package] 

  Paddy : Have you done us a packed lunch?

  Max : Have I.

  [Opens package to reveal a gun] 

  Paddy : What on earth is that?

  Max : That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser.

  Paddy : I'm not using that...

  Max : Why, what's wrong with it?

  Paddy : It's an antique that's what it is.

  Max : Hey. It's not an antique. There's nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad's. He shot a German with this.

  Paddy : Was that in the Second World War?

  Max : No, it were in Benidorme. He had a row over a sun lounger.

• [receiving a prank telephone call] 

  Brian Potter : Sick. Animals. Laughing at death, half past three in the bloody morning.

• [a group of students are causing trouble in the club] 

  Brian Potter : Right you lot out. Before I knock you out. Sling it go on, you aren't welcome. All of you leave.

  Stu : I'm not going till I get a refund.

  Brian Potter : Did you here that Kenny? You best make him a bed up.

  Stu : I want my money back.

  Brian Potter : I want to moonwalk son, but life's a shithouse. Out.

• Brian Potter : [finding the dead body of the Captain]  Put him in the Pennine Suite.

  Jerry St Clair : Why?

  Brian Potter : Why? Because in here's murder. Next door's natural causes.

• Brian Potter : Don't talk to me about upper body strength, Lesley! My forearms are massive!

  Les : An' we all know why that is don't we? Too much "Trumpet Polishin'"

• [Brian has been told over the phone that the club has burnt down and someone was inside] 

  Max : All we need to know Mr. Potter, did he have false teeth?

  Brian Potter : False teeth? How the pissin' hell am I supposed to know if he had false teeth?

  [laughing on other end of phone] 

  Brian Potter : Who is this?

  [realizing it's a prank] 

  Brian Potter : I know who ya are, who are ya?

• [Max is trying to purchase a watch from Armchair Superstore] 

  Max : Hello... I'd like to order the divers watch... the divers watch love... the one with the light... I don't know love... I can swim.

• Brian Potter : I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come.

  Les : Build what?

  Brian Potter : A new Phoenix.

  Jerry St Clair : Here we go again.

  Brian Potter : Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we'll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro - we'll serve food.

  Jerry St Clair : Food eh?

  Brian Potter : But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread...

  Max : Garlic bread?

  Brian Potter : Garlic bread, that's right Max. Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it.

• Brian Potter : It just came to me in a dream, like St. Paul on the road to Domestos.

• Brian Potter : There is a horse in my cabaret suite.

• Brian Potter : I want to speak to the organist, not the monkey grinder.

• Jerry St Clair : [discovering the Captain dead]  He's dead, Brian.

  Brian Potter : Oh, my God! He can't be dead! Who's going to do the door? Who's going to do the door?

• Brian Potter : Hey, toilet-mouth! There's a child's bike outside!

• [Repeated Line] 

  Brian Potter : I don't know whether you've noticed but I'm disabled.

• Brian Potter : We've got to grab the cow by the horns and pull together.