Lloyd Haythe: You know what, Hilary? I - we can't do this.
Lloyd Haythe: Um... because I have herpes?
Hillary: Um, so what? I - I do too! Everybody does!
Lloyd Haythe: I know - but, um, you know what? You're an R.A., I'm a student... I mean, what if someone was to see us?
Hillary: I'll go fast, like a man! Just give it!
Lloyd Haythe: Man, you Americans are such nancies about fighting. Back in the East End, you can't even finish a Yorkshire pudding without some guy - BWAMM! - to the back of the head.
[Ron and Marshall look confused]
Lloyd Haythe: All right. Are you two men, or pretty little ladies?
Ron Garner: Pretty lady right here.
Marshall Nesbitt: I'm a pretty lady.
Rachel Lindquist: [Rachel has just discovered Marshall's new Japanese girlfriend, who doesn't speak English] She's got the boobs of a six-year-old and she's like, dumb.
Lloyd Haythe: I don't think a dumb girl is necessarily wrong for him.
Ron Garner: She's not dumb, she just seems dumb 'cause she's foreign. Ha! Like you, Lloyd.
Lloyd Haythe: I'm going to hurt you when you least expect it.
Rachel Lindquist: Have you ever dumped anyone?
Marshall Nesbitt: Almost. But we never actually, like, went out, or talked, or anything.
[Ron has made several thousand dollars trading stocks online]
Ron Garner: I could buy a decent used car right now; or an amazingly thorough prostitute.
[Lizzie's phone rings]
Ron Garner: Hi, Eric.
Eric: Who the hell is this? Why are you answering Lizzie's phone?
Ron Garner: She left it in our room. It's Ron. Hey.
Eric: Well, what the hell was Lizzie doing in your room?
Ron Garner: Uh, we were making sloppy love, Eric. It was heavenly.
[Lloyd thinks life is meaningless]
Perry: Oh, what's the matter, dollface? Down in the dumps? Sucks to be you, huh? What's the matter, Lloyd's of London? You take one "mind-blowing" philosophy class, and all of a sudden you're Jean-Paul Sartre? Oh, so now you've got this existentialist-hook-thing too? Well, that's great, because all you need is a little more mystique! Now you've got a chance with all the freaky chicks I was gonna get! I've taken so much acne medication, MY LIPS ARE SPLITTING IN HALF! This might cheer you up: YOU'RE HOTTER THAN MOST CHICKS! What are you doing in college anyway? People like you don't even need to know how to read! Nice nose.
[Lloyd pushes him]
[Lizzie's boyfriend wants to fight Steven]
Steven Karp: If I could just explain stuff to him, he really wouldn't be so mad! I know he wouldn't!
Lloyd Haythe: It's true. If he knew *why* you had sex with Lizzie, he'd be fine with it. In fact, he'd *probably* let you do it again.
Rachel Lindquist: Yeah. See, these remedies are natural, from the earth.
Ron Garner: Like that time I ate grass like a dog and puked.
Rachel Lindquist: He doesn't need to go to a doctor, he's getting better.
Ron Garner: No, he's not. He looks terrible. He looks like death. I almost buried him this morning.
Rachel Lindquist: That's because his body is releasing all the toxins.
Ron Garner: He needs a doctor. And not a witch doctor covered in mud, a real doctor with pills and a tongue depressor.
Rachel Lindquist: Doctors don't know anything. My uncle's stomach hurt once, so doctors took out his kidney, and it turned out there was nothing wrong with it, and now he has to go through life with no kidney.
Ron Garner: No, because you're born with two kidneys, you moron.
Lizzie Exley: [everyone has just discovered Steven's Dad nailing his R.A] You want your dad to give you space. Well, you should give him space. How would you feel if he said we couldn't go out?
Steven Karp: I guess so. God, this sucks.
Ron Garner: Yeah, man. Let's go back and see if they're doing the hog.