Jim Byrd: You're 32 years old, and you've achieved nothing. Jesus Christ was dead and alive again by 33. You better get crackin'.
Chuck Barris: When you are young, your potential is infinite. You might do anything, really. You might be Einstein. You might be DiMaggio. Then you get to an age where what you might be gives way to what you have been. You weren't Einstein. You weren't anything. That's a bad moment.
Instructor Jenks: There are several efficient methods for killing a man were you to find yourself without a weapon. The edge of your hand, against your adversary's Adam's apple. This will crush his windpipe, causing strangulation and death.
[demonstrates on a volunteer, then realizes what he's done]
Instructor Jenks: Shit! I need another volunteer!
Chuck Barris: I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.
Chuck Barris: When you're in a relationship it means you are obligated to give a shit.
Patricia: Insane asylums are filled with people who think they're Jesus or Satan. Very few have delusions of being a guy down the block who works for an insurance company.
Jim Byrd: Think of it as a hobby. Something you do to relax. You're an "assassination enthusiast."
Chuck Barris: Hi folks. Before we begin taping today, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Peter Jenks of the Federal Communications Commission. Okay?
Peter Jenks: I don't know if any of you are aware of this, but it's a federal offense to make lascivious remarks on a television network broadcast. The penalty for this disgusting, un-American behavior is one year in prison, or a ten thousand dollar fine. Or both! Anyone making a sick or subversive remark tonight will be arrested immediately. I then will personally escort the offender to federal prison for booking under edict number 364 of the Broadcasting Act of 1963. And it's a long drive to that prison, baby, just you and me. No witnesses.
Chuck Barris: Okay have fun everybody... alright...
[after Byrd tells Chuck to kill the unknown "mole"]
Chuck Barris: Hey, I got an idea. If you aren't so bad... why don't you do it? Why don't you kill the mole? You got a problem with killing, Jim?
Jim Byrd: I just don't fit the profile.
Chuck Barris: What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile.
Jim Byrd: Okay, there's no profile.
Chuck Barris: There's no profile.
Jim Byrd: Okay.
Keeler: Killing my first man was like making love to my first woman.
Chuck Barris: I don't know what was worse - that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor, or that it took seven of us to replace him.
Patricia: Very good Chuck. I am pleasantly surprised, you're not like the other murderers.
Chuck Barris: We're goin' about this all wrong! We're killing ourselves trying to find good acts. We just book bad ones and kill them! We kill 'em before they're through, as soon as it gets unbearable, we kill them. Dead.
Penny: Do you want me around or not? Do you even like me?
Chuck Barris: Ofcourse I like you! Penny...
Penny: How much?
Chuck Barris: What?
Penny: I need to know how much you like me.
Chuck Barris: know what that means! How much? How could I read a person in that way?
Penny: You could if you felt it. If you felt it, it would be easy. You would
Penny: just spread your arms as wide as they would go and say: "This much, Penny."
Chuck Barris: Everything... everything is complicated. Nothing is black and white like that.
Penny: [cries] Do you want me around or not? 'Cause if you don't it's okay, just tell me.
Chuck Barris: Hey, hey...
Chuck Barris: I love you, Penny. In my way. Maybe not that crazy head-over-heels-thing, but what is that anyway? Romantic love, isn't that just an illusion?
Penny: [stops crying] You just said you love me, right?
Penny: What are you?
Chuck Barris: Jew.
Penny: Oh, I had one of those once. But he was separatist. He was Ashka Nazi.
Chuck Barris: Ashkenazi.
Penny: Right, Ashka Nazi. I haven't had one of those yet.
Chuck Barris: You're a romantic.
Chuck (Age 8): Hey Tuvia, you want to lick it?
Tuvia (Age 8): No, why would I want to do that?
Chuck (Age 8): It tastes like strawberries, my sister says you love strawberries.
Tuvia (Age 8): No it doesn't. Besides I don't like strawberries.
Chuck (Age 8): I bet you a dollar it does.
Chuck Barris: Go back to Scotland! Get yourself some Guinness, some Lucky Charms.
Patricia: You're kind of cute... in a homely sort of way.
Dick Clark: I wouldn't want to live his life because he hasn't been happy all of his life. All I think is if you can find work, stay healthy, find somebody to share it with, you're the ultimate success. He's had some of the pieces of the puzzle, but not all of them.
Simon Oliver: You are a bloody amateur.
Chuck Barris: You're a faggot.
Jim Byrd: Chuck.
Simon Oliver: Tell me, Mr. Barris, are you in possession of my microfilm?
Chuck Barris: Yeah, I got it.
Simon Oliver: Let's have it, then.
Chuck Barris: It's up my ass, Oliver, why don't you reach on up there and get it?
Jim Byrd: He's a bad guy. He's one of the bad guys.
Chuck Barris: Bad for the US, right, Jim? Not bad in the absolute sense. Just bad for the US.
Jim Byrd: Don't fuckin' dance with me. Renda's bad for the Tea & Biscuit Company. He's bad for me personally. You work for me. Renda's bad for me... You're now officially a patriotic citizen of the United States of Jim Byrd. There's no backing out now. We let you in on everything. You don't play. You don't leave. You understand that? You don't play... You don't leave.
Jim Byrd: You're an assassination enthusiast. A murder buff.
Chuck Barris: I'm not killing people... my future's in television.
Chuck Barris: [hands over an envelope, presumably with money] Don't worry, we're not gonna cheat you
Unseen man in dark alley: Oh just the same
Chuck Barris: [shoots the unseen man] Oh, sorry 'bout your teeth
[shoots him again]