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Quotes

Tom Goodman: I can be subtle.

Cate Archer: Then how do you explain that shirt?

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[a HARM agent plummets toward a barn after falling out of a plane]

HARM Agent: Please be full of hay! Please be full of hay!

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Berlin Contact: I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

Cate Archer: I'm in the book. Under "police department".

Berlin Contact: Why must I be made to say such stupid things?

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Moroccan Salesman: You look like you need a monkey!

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Various: [complaining about airline food] This food is terrible.

Various voices: The potato salad isn't bad.

Various: That's not potato salad; it's cottage cheese!

Various voices: UGH!

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HARM Agent: Olly-olly-oxinfree!

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HARM Agent: Hard rain is falling, everybody down!

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HARM Agent: Bullets are not my favorite!

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Magnus Armstrong: [to Inge Wagner] A good beating might knock some of that ugly out of you.

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[Cate and a henchman are free-falling after being blown out of a plane]

Cate Archer: Excuse me, do you mind if I borrow that parachute?

HARM Agent: Get away from me!

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Dmitrij Volkov: Keep your men out of sight. We don't want to spoil our trap, do we?

HARM Agent: Yes sir! I mean, no sir! I mean, yes to the first part and no to the second part, SIR!

Dmitrij Volkov: Shut up. Just do as I say, you idiot.

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Street Merchant: You look like you need a monkey.

HARM Agent: Excuse me?

Street Merchant: I have a very fine monkey for you. Only twenty dollars, American.

HARM Agent: Sorry, I don't want a monkey.

Street Merchant: What do you mean?

HARM Agent: I don't want a monkey!

Street Merchant: Why not?

HARM Agent: Because I don't like monkeys, now get that filthy beast away from me!

Street Merchant: Are you insulting my monkey?

HARM Agent: I'm sure it's a perfectly excellent monkey, but I don't want it. Now please leave, I'm very busy.

Street Merchant: Ten dollars.

HARM Agent: No! I wouldn't want the dreadful thing even if it were free!

Street Merchant: Free? You want my children to starve?

HARM Agent: If they're hungry, I suggest you feed them the monkey.

Street Merchant: This is a valuable monkey! My wife would kill me if she knew I was offering it to you so cheap.

HARM Agent: You don't seem to understand, I DON'T WANT A MONKEY!

Street Merchant: Infidel.

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Man: I wouldn't give you a rotten fig for that disgusting animal.

Street Merchant: Are you insulting my monkey?

Man: I spit upon your monkey!

Street Merchant: You are a horrible person!

Woman: I think the monkey's kinda cute.

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[Cate meets a series of contacts in Berlin, each of whom identifies themselves via a codephrase or phrases before providing information on her objective]

Berlin Contact #1: Guten Abend Fraulein, do you make love to strangers?

Cate Archer: Certainly not!

Berlin Contact #1: Then allow me to introduce myself.

Cate Archer: Why not just introduce yourself to a police officer and spare me the trouble?

Berlin Contact #1: Who makes up these ghastly code phrases anyway?

Cate Archer: Someone in the cryptography department - someone in need of a girlfriend apparently. What do you have for me?

Berlin Contact #1: Just this: 'The entrance is hidden'.

Cate Archer: Thank you.

Berlin Contact #1: Good luck.

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Berlin Contact #2: Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

Cate Archer: More than you can afford.

Berlin Contact #2: Why must I be made to say such idiotic things?

Cate Archer: Never mind that, just tell me what you have.

Berlin Contact #2: I was told to say: 'In the basement'.

Cate Archer: Thank you.

Berlin Contact #2: Tell the person who wrote the code phrase to grow up!

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Berlin Contact #3: Want to come in for a game of twister?

Cate Archer: I'd rather run over you with my car.

Berlin Contact #3: These code phrases have a somewhat confessional tone to them, don't you think?

Cate Archer: Yeah, now that you mention it...

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Berlin Contact #4: You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Can you cook and clean too?

Cate Archer: No, but I can put you in the hospital if you want, maybe you can find someone to take care of you there; maybe...

Berlin Contact #4: What kind of imbecile says things like this?

Cate Archer: I'm afraid to find out.

Berlin Contact #4: By the way, I am supposed to tell you this: 'Behind the shelf'.

Cate Archer: Thanks.

Berlin Contact #4: Please don't think that I enjoyed saying those things to you. Even though the words were not mine, I am so disgusted with myself that I must return home and wash myself with soap.

Cate Archer: Don't worry about it.

Berlin Contact #4: You are a kind young woman, I wish you luck.

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East German Guard #1: Haha, did she really say that to you?

East German Guard #2: Ja, can you believe it?

East German Guard #1: So what did you do?

East German Guard #2: What do you think I did?

East German Guard #1: I know what I would have done!

East German Guard #2: Then you have your answer!

East German Guard #1: So, how was she?

East German Guard #2: What do you mean?

East German Guard #1: You know what I mean!

East German Guard #2: No, I don't.

East German Guard #1: I thought you said you... you know?

East German Guard #2: What? I didn't say that!

East German Guard #1: What did you say?

East German Guard #2: Why do you even have to ask?

East German Guard #1: I didn't think I had to ask, but I guess I was wrong.

East German Guard #2: You should get your mind out of the gutter.

East German Guard #1: Geh zum teufel.

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[a man is trying to get into a crowded nightclub]

Man: I demand to be let in.

Bouncer: I'm sorry, that's impossible.

Man: But my girlfriend is inside!

Bouncer: I understand that, but I can't let you in.

Man: Can I at least go find her?

Bouncer: Sadly, no.

Man: Why not?

Bouncer: Because the club is full, nobody else is allowed.

Man: Well, can you go find her for me?

Bouncer: I must stay here.

Man: Then can you *send* someone to find her?

Bouncer: Everyone is busy, you will just have to wait.

Man: I want to speak to someone in charge.

Bouncer: As I said, everyone is busy. If you come back tomorrow after ten A.M., perhaps you can speak with someone then.

Man: But my girlfriend is in there now!

Bouncer: Perhaps you should have come together. Then you would not be in this situation, and I would not have to listen to you shouting at me!

Man: I'm just getting warmed up!

Bouncer: It's not my fault that you are out here, and she is in there. It is your fault, she is your girlfriend. You should have known better than to ask her to wait for you inside a club that is known to fill up every single night!

Man: Can I *please* just go and find her?

Bouncer: I said no and I meant it. Now go away or I will call the police!

Man: Schweinhund!

Bouncer: Sheisskoph!

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[Two scientists are testing an intercom]

Scientist #1: Test, 1, 2, 3, Test.

Scientist #2: Turn it down!

Scientist #1: How's this? Over.

Scientist #2: I can't tell! I'm deaf!

Scientist #1: Proceed with the experiment, over!

Scientist #2: You don't have to say over! It's not a radio!

Scientist #1: I like to say it! Over.

Scientist #2: Fine!

Scientist #1: How is the goat? Over.

Scientist #2: The goat is nervous, how do you think the goat is?

Scientist #1: You don't have to shout! Over.

Scientist #2: Would you come down here for a second?

Scientist #1: Why...? Over.

Scientist #2: I have to tell you something.

Scientist #1: I don't trust you! I think you're planning to hurt me! Over.

Scientist #2: I'm not going to hurt you, I just want to tell you... a secret!

Scientist #1: What kind of secret? Over.

Scientist #2: A good one. About Bettina, something she said about you!

Scientist #1: I don't believe you... over.

Scientist #2: Suit yourself!

Scientist #1: What did she say? Over.

Scientist #2: If you want to know, you have to come down here!

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Scientist: My job is to watch this machine, but I don't even know what it does. How am I supposed to know if it's working or not?

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Scientist: [walking around in the cafeteria] This food tastes like mush.

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HARM Henchman #1: This food is terrible!

HARM Henchman #2: The potato salad isn't bad.

HARM Henchman #1: It's not potato salad, it's cottage cheese!

HARM Henchman #2: [Retching sound]

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[the maid emerges from a room to find the hallway full of thugs' bodies]

Hotel Maid: I'm *not* cleaning up this mess!

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[Cate has eluded HARM once again]

HARM Agent: She got away.

Inge Wagner: What did you say? I don't think I heard you.

HARM Agent: She, uh, well, I, uh...

Inge Wagner: Say it!

HARM Agent: She... got away.

Inge Wagner: How is that possible? Perhaps you feel the odds were in her favour?

HARM Agent: Nein, Fraulein Wagner.

Inge Wagner: Then you're admitting that you failed?

HARM Agent: Jawohl, Fraulein Wagner. I should be punished.

Inge Wagner: My thoughts exactly, but *how* shall I punish you?

HARM Agent: Electrocution would be painful, or perhaps a good beating, but I beg of you, please do not deprive me of the chance to hear you sing. I do not think I could take the pain.

Inge Wagner: Is that so? Then you have just decided your punishment. You will prohibited from attending my motivational concerts for one week.

HARM Agent: [whimpers]

Inge Wagner: For *two* weeks!

HARM Agent: Please, be merciful!

Inge Wagner: I do not find pleasure in hurting you this way. But without proper discipline, this organization would fall to ruin. Kaput!

HARM Agent: I understand.

[Inge walks away]

HARM Agent: No singing for two weeks, woohoo!

[Inge, who is just around the corner, hears his cheering and returns]

Inge Wagner: On second thought, perhaps that punishment is too inhumane. Let's go with electrocution inistead, mmm?

HARM Agent: [Sadly] Jawohl, Fraulein Wagner.

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[Magnus Armstrong is in the galley of the ship, getting drunk]

Inge Wagner: [From down the hall] Armstrong! Where are you?

[Inge enters the galley]

Inge Wagner: I demand an explanation.

Magnus Armstrong: [Slurred] 'splanation for what?

Inge Wagner: Heinrich tells me the girl is still alive. Perhaps you did not understand my orders.

Magnus Armstrong: Yer orders? Ha! You don't give me orders.

Inge Wagner: She was to be liquidated! Why did you spare her?

Magnus Armstrong: I'll not slay a countryman without a fair fight. The girl's just doing her job.

Inge Wagner: She's a threat to our operation. I'm sure the Director would agree with me.

Magnus Armstrong: Then, you kill her.

Inge Wagner: Coward.

Magnus Armstrong: Fatty.

Inge Wagner: Drunk.

Magnus Armstrong: ...Fatty!

Inge Wagner: You disgust me!

[a large explosion rocks the ship]

Inge Wagner: What was that?

Magnus Armstrong: That's an explosion.

Inge Wagner: [to a sailor] Find out what's going on!

Sailor: Jawohl Fraulein Wagner!

Sailor: [Over intercom] Abandon ship, abandon ship!

Sailor #1: Did he say 'ship', or 'sheep'?

Sailor #2: Ship I think, why?

Sailor #1: Uh, no reason.

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Magnus Armstrong: Well, let's go.

Inge Wagner: What about the cargo?

Magnus Armstrong: You're welcome to fetch it, fatty! As for me, I'm gettin' off this boat before she sinks.

Inge Wagner: But, the operation!

Magnus Armstrong: We can replace the cargo, but I'm one of a kind, if you take my meaning.

Inge Wagner: The Director will not be pleased.

Magnus Armstrong: Then stay here and show your devotion. I'll nail up a commemorative plaque for you in the ladies room of that wretched nightclub of yours.

Inge Wagner: I can't help it if my beautiful cabaret is infested with beatniks. I've tried to get rid of them, but they're like roaches.

Magnus Armstrong: Probably because they think you sing like that on purpose. Experimental jazz or some such shite.

Inge Wagner: Cretin.

Magnus Armstrong: Enough of this jabbering! Get out of my way, your hideous mass is blocking the bulkhead!

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Inge Wagner: [singing] Send in the divers!

Magnus Armstrong: Make sure you get the shipping manifest and the Captain's log. Oh, and if you see a half empty bottle of Lathroit floating about in my quarters, I'd be much obliged if you'd retrieve her for me.

Sailor: Yes sir!

Inge Wagner: You disgust me.

Magnus Armstrong: So?

Inge Wagner: You are a drunk and a coward.

Magnus Armstrong: You can say what you please about my hobbies and my hygiene, but I swear if you ever cast aspersions on my manhood again, I'll pound you. I'm not a coward.

Inge Wagner: Your threats don't frighten me.

Magnus Armstrong: A good beating might knock some of that ugly out of you. Care to find out?

Inge Wagner: I will be in my quarters rehearsing, I am not to be disturbed.

Magnus Armstrong: That's right. It's the rest of us who'll be disturbed you bloody great banshee. I've heard cats in heat that sing prettier than you.

Inge Wagner: Criticism is the refuge of those without the talent or discipline for the pursuit of art. I pity you.

Magnus Armstrong: And well you should. You call that bellowing of yours art? Fart is more like it.

Inge Wagner: Imbecile.

Magnus Armstrong: [singing] Fatty fatty fatty, fatitty fat, fatty fatty.

Inge Wagner: Hmph!

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Tom Goodman: Head for the roof, they won't expect that.

[Later, Cate escapes to the roof only to find groups of henchmen staking out the escape route]

Cate Archer: [sarcastically quoting Goodman] "Head for the roof, they won't expect *that*".

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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