Mrs. Connelly: [Mrs. Connelly sees the hitman] I knew they'd send a brute.
[she shoots him]
Alex Rose: So Chick, how much is this gonna set us back?
Alex Rose: Okay, 'cause we had had a slightly different figure in our heads. We were thinking of something a little closer to like half a K.
Mrs. Connelly: Tell me about yourselves. What do you do Alan?
Alex Rose: Uh, it's Alex.
Nancy Kendricks: Alex is a writer.
Mrs. Connelly: Oh, a writer. I always thought of that as more of a hobby than a real job. I suppose I'm forgetting about Joyce.
Alex Rose: Joyce. James Joyce. Of course. Wonderful writer.
Mrs. Connelly: He died drunk and penniless.
Mrs. Connelly: I couldn't help noticing that Alex left the house this morning while you stayed home.
Nancy Kendricks: I was downsized from my job.
Mrs. Connelly: Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm sure it's for the best. Let Mr. Rose get out there and bring home the bacon. I always thought it was strange your husband staying home while you were out there providing.
Nancy Kendricks: Well, he's a writer.
Mrs. Connelly: Writer? The man naps more than a newborn pup. What's he writing about? Sheep?
Nancy Kendricks: We're totally screwed, right?
Alex Rose: I would say screwed is apt.
Nancy Kendricks: Do you think that Jean would ever give you a second chance?
Alex Rose: No. It's over. Besides, how could I have time to rewrite my novel and still do my faithful servant duty to her as her little indentured servant person. Her little butt boy. I got a lot of duties honey. She might need me to go out and count grapes with her or go help her fix her heater or go take her to the laundry or I gotta go help her clean her banana skins and I gotta go help her clean out her garbage and I gotta go help her fiddle her monthlies out or go and wipe her ass! God forbid she should have any shit hanging off her ass!
Nancy Kendricks: Alex.
Alex Rose: No, really. Cause then I gotta run up there double time like a little bunny and I gotta go up there with my little tissue and I gotta go wipe her little ass and then I gotta go, "Oh, good for you Mrs. Connelly. Good for you for having such a nice little poopy. Oh, what's that? You got some poopy on your dipy? Oh, then, let me go clean it off with my tongue!" I mean enough is enough!
Mrs. Connelly: It went bang-bang-bangety-bang-bang-BANG-BANG!
Nancy Kendricks: [looking at the gun Alex bought] So this has what it's come to? I don't think I've ever held a real gun be-
[gun shot hits Alex]
Alex Rose: Ahh!
Alex Rose: [after coming home from asking Cooper for 25,000 dollars] He said we didn't need it but he gave me his book for my collection. He wrote it in three days. Wanna know how? Okay, here it is, " Her hair was the color of your pee after you take a multi vitamin". Stupid asshole and your Don Piper mysteries and your pregnant wife whose baby is gonna have a freakin' six pack cause his mother never eats!
Mrs. Connelly: Mr. Rose, could you sprinkle some salt on the steps. They're terribly icy.
Alex Rose: You better not go outside then.
[walks outside and slips on the steps]
Nancy Kendricks: [Mrs. Conelly is saying she has her sink clogged] You don't have a disposal.
Mrs. Connelly: I don't?
Alex Rose: Whew, it's really clogged!
[after getting it out]
Alex Rose: Whew, all right!
Mrs. Connelly: [Nancy throws up down the disposal] Looks like you two got some kind of bug. Good thing Officer Dan took me to have a flu shot.
Nancy Kendricks: Do you realize how much the duplex is going to be worth once we get both floors?
Alex Rose: I know how much it costs.
Nancy Kendricks: Well it's going to be worth a bazillion times that.
Alex Rose: Really? A bazillion? That's an incredible return.
Alex Rose: I'm not gonna pay for unauthorized repairs.
Mr. Dzerzhinsky: I did the work, my friend. I can rip the pipes out of the wall.
Alex Rose: What?
Mr. Dzerzhinsky: [repeats himself]
Alex Rose: I don't know. I don't know what you're saying.
Mr. Dzerzhinsky: Do it! Do it!
Alex Rose: You do it! You do it!
Alex Rose: I can't work here. I've been trying. It's impossible. I've written three pages in the last six weeks. Three pages! The book is due on Wednesday. If we don't hand in the book I don't know what we're gonna do. We can't pay for anything. We can't pay for the runners, for the stools. We can't pay for the tanned jello bowl that you like. We can't pay for your little happy mug vase thing.
Nancy Kendricks: Well, what if you got out of the house for a little while and went to write at, like a Starbucks or something?
Alex Rose: And what? You're gonna stay here and try to find work while she has you running around doing things for her? Doing all the little errands, all the little chores that she asks you to do? I don't think you could take it. I love you, but honestly, I've been there and I don't think you could take it.
Nancy Kendricks: I can take it. I'll be fine.
Herman: Nancy, did you finish the celebrity scene page?
Nancy Kendricks: Oh, tickity-boo.
Herman: I don't know what that means.
Nancy Kendricks: It means I'll have it soon.
Herman: Well, if you mean I'll have it soon, then why don't you say I'll have it soon? I mean, tickity-boo is just confusing for everybody!
Alex Rose: She's watching Riverdance. I didn't know people still watched Riverdance.
Nancy Kendricks: Mrs. Connelly, let me come right to the point. Alex and I are trying to have a baby.
Mrs. Connelly: [whispers] I saw. In the living room.
Nancy Kendricks: Right. The thing is that when we do have our baby, we're gonna need the upstairs.
Mrs. Connelly: I don't understand dear.
Alex Rose: We're willing to pay you... something.
Mrs. Connelly: You want me to leave?
Alex Rose: Don't you think you'd be more comfortable with people who are more in your... demographic?
Nancy Kendricks: In sunny Miami Beach!
Mrs. Connelly: I'm Irish. I'd sizzle up like a sausage. Besides, this is my home.
Alex Rose: Home? The Emerald Isle! Back to the old sod!
Mrs. Connelly: Now there's a thought. I haven't been back home for fifty years.
Alex Rose: You threw her down the stairs?
Nancy Kendricks: No, but I imagined it and I liked it. I'm evil. I'm a horrible, horrible person.
Alex Rose: No, she's practically ruined our lives. It's perfectly natural to have thoughts like that.
Nancy Kendricks: Really?
Alex Rose: Yeah. I've even had a couple.
Nancy Kendricks: Like what?
Alex Rose: Just, you know, snapping her neck, electrocuting her, beating her to death, decapitating her, drowning her, bludgeoning her, in a humane way. Dicing her up into little pieces, but asphyxiating her first so she didn't feel anything.
Nancy Kendricks: I'm glad you clarified that. You're evil too!
Nancy Kendricks: [Mrs. Connelly leaves to run errands] Okay, come on. We don't have that much time.
Alex Rose: I know. She's running errands. That only gives us twelve hours.
Mrs. Connelly: [counting grapes slowly] 23... 24... 25...
Alex Rose: [quickly] 26... 27... 28... 29... 30!
Mrs. Connelly: [sees blueberries] Oh! Blueberries! One... two... three... four...