Death to Smoochy (2002)
Sheldon: When my brothers and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.
[Smoochy holds up a penis-shaped Cookie made by Randolph]
Randolph: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.
Cop: Are you ok?
Randolph: I don't know. I'm kinda fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge.
Sheldon: [singing] He slams the door He stomps his feet He sends me to bed with zilch to eat But my stepdad's not mean he's just adjusting.
Randolph: You better grow eyes in the back of your head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam-rubber ass! I'm goin' on safari motherfucker! SAH-FAR-I!
[to a baby, after framing Sheldon]
Randolph: Hello, little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi!
Randolph: I'm Rainbow Fucking Randolph!
[talking to Sheldon in Rainbow's former apartment]
Randolph: Look what you've done to this place. It's all Diane Fosse. When I lived here, it was Bob Fosse. Right there, I had a big painting of a naked chick holding a little plant; very tasteful, no bush... not a picture of your fucking mother!
Sheldon: I'll be in my office, the big one with a view!
Nora: They all have views, you dumb shit!
Sheldon: Not looking this way, cupcake!
Sheldon: So remember kids, a stepdad is a lot like a new puppy. They need patience and love while they adjust to their new surroundings. But remember - if he is ever abusive to you or mommy, what are the magic numbers?
Sheldon: Thaaaaaaat's right!
Sheldon: You can't change the world but you can make a dent.
Sheldon: You try not to hurt anyone Roy... What would Jesus do?
Randolph: I loathe you!
[kicks the TV onto the floor]
Randolph: Bastard Son of Barney!
[Pulls the shade off a lamp and starts smashing it with the stand]
Randolph: Die! Die, you stuffed son of fluff! You illegitimate Teletubby! Die, you Muppet from hell!
Randolph: [Angelo enters] Die, you foam motherfucker!
Randolph: Die! Die!
Angelo Pike: What are you doing? That's a picture in picture!
Randolph: ...it was an accident.
Randolph: First he takes my career, then my life, now my girl. The balls on that fuchsia fuck! I'm gonna tear him apart, piece by piece!
Randolph: You want your little booger eater on my show?
Wife: Yes, very much.
Randolph: Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.
Angelo Pike: He was jacked up higher than a prom dress in June.
Tommy: Sometimes in this life, a man's gotta answer for his indiscretions!
[the scene transitions to when the mob had Merv Green tied to a chair]
Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I was just trying to help the children!
Tommy: Oh, so you like kids, eh?
Merv Green: Oh, sure!
Tommy: Oh, then I bet you know some fairy tales then.
Merv Green: Yeah!
Tommy: Hey, Danny, tell him the one about the worthless prick that gets his head chopped off with an axe!
Merv Green: [Danny pulls out an axe and approaches him] No! No! NOOOOOOOOO!
[You see a shadow of Danny lowering the axe at Merv Green and transitions back to now where Sheldon looks horrified]
Sheldon: I don't think I feel so good about this all of a sudden, Tommy.
Danny: Then we took his head and played a little...
Sheldon: Okay, that's... way more information than I'd like to have at this point, thanks.
Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.
Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast off time.
Burke: This is the high life, Sheldon. You gotta get used to this. Pretty soon you're gonna be pissin' on hundred dollar bills just to see the look on Franklin's face!
Sheldon: I don't think I could ever do that. I have much too much respect for what that man accomplished.
Randolph: Didn't she tell you of the love we once had. Passionate yet tender, old-fashioned yet experimental.
Sheldon: Randolph, you have lost your mind.
Randolph: Oh, enlighten the lad, Nora. You were such a hot little brood mare, does the bridle still fit?
Sheldon: Hey, watch your mouth mister!
Nora: What experiments? I've had firmer handshakes, ya drunk.
Randolph: Please, it's small but, it's fierce!
Randolph: What about Wally the Whale?
Sheldon: Laura, how could you do it with Wally the Whale?
Randolph: There she blows!
Sheldon: I don't believe this is happening. I can't believe you didn't tell me about this.
Nora: Listen, Sheldon, I'm not proud of it but, there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a kiddie host groupie.
Randolph: She's right, you've got to keep your dignity in tact -
Randolph: Oww! My balls - they're on fire!
Randolph: [being led through the angry press] My name isn't Wandolph! It's Randolph! Somebody touched my ass! Get away from me! Don't touch me!
[gets hit by an egg]
Randolph: I've been SHOT! I'm bleeding! Somebody touched my ass!
[his theme song]
Randolph: Friends come in all sizes/ That's a fact, it's true/ All the colours of rainbow/ From mauve to blue/ The names are different/ The shoes don't match/ Some like to toss/ And others to catch/ One might say grasp while the other says snatch/ Because... friends come in all sizes/ Take it from me/ Golly gee/ Size doesn't matter/ When you want some friendly patter/ From a pal who is true/ And will lift you up when you're blue/ You can count on him/ He can count on you/ It's true/ It's true/ Friends come in all sizes!/
[repeat three times]
Randolph: Yes, they do!
Burke: It's all about the dough, Shel. Once you get the money, you get the power. Once you get the power, you can have Smoochy walk out there with a dildo strapped to his head if you want.
Sheldon: [long pause] I don't think I've thought of that idea specifically, but I? I do see where you're going with this.
Randolph: [fighting over the sniper rifle] You shot Smoochy, you bastard! Give me that gun, you whacked out piece of shit!
Buggy Ding Dong: No! I've got to kill the rhino!
Randolph: [as Buggy clings onto Randolph while both dangle from the catwalk] LET GO OF ME... YOU FUCKING JUNKIE
Burke: [re-negotiating Sheldon's contract] Allow me to untangle this web of shit. I don't care if his last job was jugging apples for a hut full of pygmies on the outskirts of the congo! This man fits the bill, and you need him! And that's why the rhino's going to get exactly what he deserves.
[Tommy Kotter is at a funeral after Spinner Dunn was murdered]
Tommy: Don't forget, this hit was meant for you, Shel. So from now on, wherever you go, we go.
Sheldon: I'll be fine.
Tommy: Fine nothing! As Christ is my witness, no one is touching a hair on your fucking head! Spinner would have wanted it that way. Okay boys, let's all pray and get shit-faced.
Randolph: Even when you're squeaky clean, you can still fall in the mud.
Sheldon: Captain Kangaroo, like Jesus Christ, was someone you could really believe in. With those guys it wasn't about the bells and whistles and the rickety rackety, it was all about the work. Especially Jesus.
[Randolph mentions his long-ago affair with Nora]
Nora: That was a long time ago. I was young and stupid.
Randolph: And limber.
Sheldon: Now I'm not pointing any fingers, Lord knows you start pointing fingers and someone's gonna get poked. And I want you both to know that its not my intention to try and... poke either of you.
Sheldon: Someone toss me a beach towel because my head is swimming.
Tommy: [Breaks open the door] Well, if it isn't Mr. Rainbow, how lovely to see you in the flesh... c'mere!
[Lifts Randolph up off the couch by his sweater and grabs him by the front of his neck]
Tommy: Now, you want to tell me about The Rhino?
Randolph: [strangulated] This is private property, you're fucking trespassing...
[Tommy throws him headfirst into the piano, with the ceramic pot falling off of it and breaking and he lands back first on the floor]
Tommy: Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a little back rub.
[Danny picks him up and holds him up by the back of his sweater]
Tommy: Start yakkin', friend!
Randolph: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm minding my own business here, you're violating my private sp...
[Danny throws him towards the opposite wall]
[Hits the wall with his whole body and slides down, then Danny lifts him up over his head with both hands and smashes him through a table]
Randolph: All right, you spud sucking fucks! I'm suing your riverdance ass!
[with a mocking Irish Accent]
Randolph: I'm gonna send you all the way back hooome, huh?
Tommy: Roy, have you got the hammer?
Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.
[pulls out a chisel hammer]
Randolph: [Danny grabs holds him up by the collar] I did it! It was me! It was all me! Thank god we cleared up everything without further violence.
[brief pause, then cuts to Randolph's perspective as Danny punches him hard in the face and everything goes black]
Sheldon: Let's face it. Big junkies come from little junkies. We gotta nip this in the bud, Burke!
Sheldon: Has anyone ever suggested that maybe a little yoga, maybe a high colonic or two could loosen you up a lot?
Buggy Ding Dong: [when falling to his death] I never saw Venice.
Randolph: Do not start with your magician's tricks young Moses! I am pharaoh! And you are my slave. And this... is my kingdom!
Tommy: This I guarantee: That fuckin' Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass.
Sheldon: Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.
Roy: Cops won't do the ball thing, it's against procedure.
Randolph: He's a pillow-biter, you know.
Sheldon: I wouldn't know anything about his sleeping disorders.
Burke: If you rat on the Parade of Hope, you'll be lucky to find your toenails. These guys are the roughest of all the charities.
Nora: We know you didn't kill Spinner so just cool your jets.
Randolph: Oh, thank you, Mother Teresa, why don't you tell that to the angry mob outside? They want my fucking ass. I'm like a god damn toaster at Macy's; Rainbow's ass - aisle three.
[Randolf is pinned by Sheldon]
Randolph: Nooo! You're to close to the fire - the flames are driving me maaaaaad!
Randolph: [giving Stokes the gift bag back] You know what to do with the hand lotion, you jerkoff.
Buggy Ding Dong: Hey, sorry I'm late. I fell asleep at the bus station. Scuse if I smell like piss. You know how it is.
Marion Frank Stokes: God help us.
Reporter: How does it feel to be voted the most hated man in America, Randolph?
Randolph: In a country full of Neanderthals, I wear the fuckin' badge of honor.
Buggy Ding Dong: Buggy Ding Dong will rise up from his ashes like a magnificent Phoenix! Or some other town in Arizona!
Angelo Pike: Buggy!
Buggy Ding Dong: Angelo!
Angelo Pike: I thought you cleaned up.
Buggy Ding Dong: Sure I cleaned up... half the poppies in Asia!
Buggy Ding Dong: I always had the hots for you. Wanna see my buggy bumper?
Nora: I'm telling you, Stokes cut some kind of deal with Buggy for the Smoochy slot
Sheldon: Wait a minute, Buggy Ding-Dong? The host of "Buggy's Bumpy Railroad"?
Nora: Yeah, until he discovered the joys of Turkish black mule heroin.
Sheldon: That doesn't make any sense. Why would Stokes want to replace Smoochy with some smack addict?
Nora: I don't know.
Sheldon: Oh, man. Someone toss me a beach towel, cause my head is swimmin'!
Randolph: [Pointing gun at Nora and Sheldon] I've got Mr. Boomy, Missy!
Spinner Dunn: [screaming in a crowded restaurant] Okay, I'm gonna go take a dump!
Buggy Ding Dong: [as the crowd is chanting "Goodbye Moochie"] Goodbye Smoochy
[fires his sniper rifle]