Eli: Dude, don't mess this up.
Matthew: Mess what up?
Eli: Matt, she's a porn star! Okay? Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast!
Matthew: Eli, I like this girl.
Eli: And you can still like her with your penis inside her. Matthew, I tell you that you're going to regret this. What would JFK do? You know he'd tap that ass.
Matthew: Eli, I'm never going to see her again.
Eli: Oh, you know what? Fine!
[pause during scene change]
Eli: Goddammit Matt! I swear to God if you don't fuck her, I'll kill myself! Matt! Please! Please, Matt! Fuck her for me! For me!
Eli: Minions, let's move.
Matthew: Excuse me.
[starts making out with Danielle]
Mr. Peterson: [while both recieving lap dances] So, what was the scholarship for?
Matthew: Moral fiber.
Matthew: I'm in so much trouble.
Klitz: Dude, am I ugly?
April: [to Klitz] I know this isn't professional, but I think you're really cute.
Matthew: [to Samnang] You better cure cancer, kid.
Kelly: Hey, you guys know Matty? I hung with him last night. Guy's the tits.
Kelly: Hey, you know who's got the killer bud?
Kelly: This fucker right here.
[shows Ziplock bag filled with Marijuana]
Danielle: Hi, I'm all wet. Can I come in?
Eli: Okay, you know what the three of us are? We're a tripod.
Klitz: A tripod?
Eli: Yes, a tripod. Which means that if you knock out one of our legs, WE-ALL-FALL!
Mrs. Kidman: Eli, do those girls go to your school?
Eli: Actually, no, Mrs. Kidman, they're porn stars.
Matthew: Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It's funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically
Matthew: being a fucking boy scout. But lately I've been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about.
Matthew: Hey, there's the big daddy!
Dr. Salinger: Matthew, what has been going on?
Matthew: Some serious shit.
Matthew: [high] Heyyy, it's my competition! Ryan, what's up my man?
Ryan: Jesus, what happened to you?
Matthew: Just living life, my man.
Kelly: Sometimes in life if you wanna do something good, you gotta do something bad.
Matthew: Yeah, but this is breaking and entering.
Kelly: This is politics.
Kelly: You wanna be president? Lemme tell you the first rule of politics; Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze. You know what that means? It means you don't steal my girl unless you're ready to accept the consequences.
Kelly: If I'm gonna do this payment plan thing, I need a show of good faith, you know, something concrete.
Matthew: Well, like what?
Kelly: A blow job.
Matthew: Nah, I told you. She's not gonna do that anymore.
Kelly: Who said anything about her?
Kelly: Yeah. We're definitely outside the box now, huh? Now you gotta ask yourself, how far are you willing to go, hmm? How much do you really care about her?
[Kelly unzips his pants, then starts laughing]
Kelly: I'm joking, man! Relax. Damn! Do I look gay to you?
Kelly: Stay in school!
Matthew: I just wanna let you know, I know who you really are, and you're better than this.
Matthew: What happened?
Eli: Things got bad.
Klitz: BOLT! BOLT!
Klitz: [running away] Dude, wait up!
Eli: [running in front of Klitz] Fuck you, dude!
Kelly: Friends don't fuck with each other's business.
Eli: God, I just wanna bang hot chicks!
Kelly: Those crazy little fuckers man, they sure know their numbers.
Kelly: Always leave 'em wanting more.
Eli: I could make a better sex-ed film with my mom!
Danielle: Just go with it.
Matthew: Matthew Kidman. I will always remember... The three legs of the tripod. My business partner. My student advisor. The next Einstein. Eli's calling card. Klitz's big debut. My own scholarship to Georgetown. And of course, I'll never forget the girl next door. As for me, I'm just going with it.
Matthew: [narrating] And of course, I'll never forget the girl next door. As for me, I'm just goin' with it.
Woman: [voiceover] How do you want me?
Man: Oh, that's good. Yeah. Just, uh... just get comfortable.
Woman: I'm a little nervous.
Man: Nah, you're doing great.
Danielle: What's the craziest thing you've done lately?
Matthew: Do you have the fever?
Klitz: No. Why? Do you?
Matthew: I don't know. Maybe.
[turns to Eli]
Matthew: 'Bout you?
Eli: I just gotta fuck something.
[Upon observing the cheerleaders and football players]
Kelly: Man, there is some talent here. You get those girls together with those assbags right there and shoot 'em humping at, like, a football game or at a prom, that video would sell - Fuck, I'm good! How do I get these ideas? It's like a gift, you know? It's like I can't control it.
[at Q&A with Eli at a college school]
Film School Student: Why'd you skip film school? Don't you think you're a little young?
Eli: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Next question.
Ferrari: I know I lost my virginity at prom. How about you? When did you lose your virginity?
April: When I was ten.
Ferrari: Okay, moving on...
Kelly: Cool ride huh?
Jock # 1: Yeah... if you're a fag!
Kelly: [throws jock to the ground] Get in!
Matthew: I just feel so weird...
Danielle: Shh. Relax. Ecstasy is not that bad.
Danielle: Kelly likes dosing people with E.
Matthew: Oh, my God. Am I gonna die?
Eli: [after realizing that Matt has accidentally taken E] Oh, my God, this is gonna be *amazing*!
Kelly: [bursts into Matthew's classroom yelling] That fuckin' bitch just can't run away because she don't want to screw on film anymore!
Matthew: Well, I don't speak a foreign language, so that's out. And I can't quote John F. Kennedy now, can I, Ryan?
Samnang: He fucked me, Mum. He fuck me real bad.
Samnang's Mother: [comforts Samnang] That son of a bitch!
Karate Guy in Porn Film: Oooh, excellent, grasshopper. And now, for the final task of your training.
Danielle: You're gonna need a harder piece of wood that that, cowboy.
Matthew: That's not her.
Eli: Yeah, it is.
Matthew: Oh, no.
Matthew: Why are you doing this?
Danielle: Isn't that what you want? To fuck a porn star in a cheap motel? So this is what you really think of me.
Matthew: Why didn't you just tell me?
Danielle: Because I didn't want to! Because I loved the way you looked at me. You don't understand how hard...
Danielle: [shouts] Fuck you.
Kelly: Ok people, let's make some fuckie Fuckie.
Matt: But then Samnang won't get his money!
Kelly: It's funny, you say that like I care. I don't give a shit!
[after Matt's parents and Dr. Salinger leave the dining room table, both Matt and Kelly have a private conversation with an assumed adult film tape Eli and his "minions" made during prom night]
Kelly: [turning cross] So how was Prom?
Matthew: That's mine.
Kelly: You know, we were gettin' along fine. But now you go and do this? This was my idea. Now I'm really gonna fuck your shit up!
Matthew: I'm gonna need that back.
[Kelly pushes the tape towards him]
Kelly: Take it from me.
[Matt leans forward and thinks about it, but Kelly thinks he's chicken]
Kelly: Yeah. What are you gonna do?
Matthew: [becomes brave] I don't have to do anything. Hugo Posh will. He's my partner on this 50-50. So... can I please have my tape back?
[coughs, then whispers]
Kelly: Fuck you. I'm takin' your half then.
Matthew: No. That money's going to Samnang. The money you stole from him!
Kelly: You say that like I care. I don't give a shit! You're giving me your half.
Matthew: And if I don't?
Kelly: [picks up the tape] Showtime.
Eli: Learn to like it.
Kelly: [after seeing the tape] What the fuck is this shit?
Matthew: [awkwardly driving with Danielle] It's such a long road, you know?
Danielle: [about Hunter and his crew] Look. They're coming to you.
Hunter: Yo, Matt.
Matthew: What's up?
Hunter: What's up. Can we talk to you for a second?
Matthew: Dude, I'm with my girl.
Hunter: Oh, sorry man. Should we come back?
Danielle: No, I'll leave you guys alone.
[gets up to leave, and passionately kisses Matt]
Matthew: [turns to watch Danielle leave, folds his arms behind his head, then nonchalantly] What's up?
Various: [repeated line, about Danielle] Dude.
Various: I know.
Kelly: [Kelly has just been sent a box of cigars by Matthew, containing a note saying "The Juice Was Worth The Squeeze"] Fuckin' kid.
Kelly: Okay what?
Matthew: [dares Kelly] Show 'em the tape.
Kelly: I'm not fuckin' around.
Matthew: I just don't care anymore.
Kelly: This... is gonna be interesting.
Kelly: Ah, it's cool. I like runnin' errands.