Ancient Warriors (2003)

User Rating:

3.0/10   

Director:

Walter von Huene

Writers (WGA):

Tray McKnight (written by) and
Walter von Huene (written by) ...

Genre:

Action

Plot:

A military unit teams up with an island's ancient warrior spirits to battle a crime lord. |

Plot Keywords:

Independent Film

Cast

Franco Columbu	...	Aldo Paccione
Daniel Baldwin	...	Jasper 'Jaz' Harding
Richard Lynch	...	Curtis Mayhew
Michelle Hunziker	...	Kim
Andy Mackenzie	...	Drey Mayhew
Iris Peynado	...	Sonya
Michael Hartson	...	Crunch
Lamont Johnson	...	Brock
Jarmo Mäkinen	...	Hank
Ashley Eckstein	...	Dylan Paccione (as Ashley Drane)
Stacey Longoria	...	Anna Paccione
Clive Riche	...	Dex
Matthew Sim	...	Charles Braga
Anthony Rosselli	...	Mayor Luigi
Larry Dolgin	...	Sylvan

MPAA:

Rated R for language and violence.

Runtime:

USA:93 min

Country:

USA

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Aspect Ratio:

1.85 : 1

Certification:

USA:R | Germany:16

Filming Locations:

Iglesias, Cagliari, Sardinia, Italy

Company:

Arc2 Intertainment

Make it stop!

Like another reviewer of this movie, I found myself fast-forwarding through this turkey. I rarely do that, because I like to watch the whole thing in order to write an informative review. But in this case, it was just so direly tedious that I gave up very quickly and skimmed through, watching a few minutes here and there.

Accordingly, I won't go into the plot, because I didn't watch enough to figure it out. But from what I did see I gather that a sick guy (Lynch) was searching for an artifact (possibly the Grail) in order to cure himself of some disease. Others, including Columbo, try to stop him. The "Ancient Warriors" of the title seem to appear only at the very end, in order to stop Lynch - literally about two minutes of screen time. Otherwise this is just a sub-standard action film.

And it is pretty awful. Mostly this is down to truly awful acting, the king of which is Columbo, but all are pretty dire. Columbo was a body-building buddy of Schwarzenegger in the before times and it really shows which of them got the acting talent. In fact, Columbo makes Lou Ferrigno look like a Shakespearean thespian by comparison. He really is awful.

Still don't believe me? Let's just say that Lynch is the subtlest of all the actors, many of whom look like they were doing their first job. And I never thought I'd ever say Lynch was subtle.

The action seems pretty standard - for a TV show. For a movie it comes well below expectations. Thank God for the Fast Forward button!

All in all, this movie is a waste of time. Don't bother.

PS: Normally when I say don't bother I kinda hope you'll watch and find the movie as bad as I told you it would be. But in this case I REALLY mean "Don't bother!" But hey! It's your lifespan. You can waste it if you like!