Christmas in South Park (2000 Video)
Mr. Hankey: If you don't like it, you can suck my little balls.
Mr. Garrison: Okay Kyle, why don't you take the prod.
[hands the prod to Kyle]
Mr. Garrison: Okay Eric, whenever you're ready
[starts playing a piano]
Eric Cartman: [singing] and, O holy night
[Kyle shocks him]
Eric Cartman: Ow! What was that for? I didn't screw up.
Eric Cartman: What?
Mr. Garrison: No, Kyle, you can't shock him unless he forgets the words.
Kyle: Sorry, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: [singing] Hey there, Mr. Shintoist, Merry fucking Christmas! God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum/ In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do/ So let's all rejoice for Jesus/Merry fucking Christmas to you!
Mr. Garrison: [singing] Oh Christmas Day, I travel 'round the world and say: Taoist, Krishnas, Buddhists and all you atheists too! Merry fucking Christmas to you!
Kyle: [singing] Instead of eating ham I have to eat Kosher latkes/Instead of Silent Night, I'm singing Hoo Hact Toh Gaveesh/ And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, someone tell me please. I'm a Jew. A lonely Jew. On Christmas.
Satan: [singing] There goes Jeffrey Dahmer/With a festive Christmas ham/After he has sex with it/He'll eat up all he can. And there goes John F. Kennedy/Caroling with his only son/Reunited for the holidays/God bless us everyone!
Satan: [singing] Gather close together and make it quick/ We gotta make room for Andy Dick/Wake his mother and ring the bell/It's Christmas time in hell!
Satan: [singing] Look! There's Princess Diana/Holding burning mistletoe/Over Gene Siskel's head/You can see his weenie grow.
S.D. Kluger: [singing] We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose/And we all know Frosty who's made out of snow/But all of those stories seem kind of gay/'Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo/Small and brown, he comes from you/Sit on the toilet, here he comes/Squeezin' 'tween your festive buns.
Children: [singing] Sometimes he's runny/Sometimes he's firm/Sometimes he's practically water.
Man: Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass and won't fall into the toilet 'cause he's just clinging to your sphincter and he won't drop off and so you shake your ass around try to get it in the toilet and finally he does.
Shelley: [singing] Shelley is starting to get pissed, on Christmas day/On Christmas day. Shelley got up and killed the turds on Christmas day IN THE MORNING!
[Drops a piano on Stan and Kyle]
Satan: [singing] For one day we all stop burning/And the flames are not so thick/All the screaming and torture stops as we wait for old Saint Nick. So string up the lights and light up the tree/We're damned for all eternity/But for just one day, all is well/It's Christmastime in hell!
Satan: [singing] There's a rack to hang the stockings on/We still have to shop for Genghis Khan/Michael Landon's hair looks swell/It's Christmas time in hell!
Mr. Garrison: [singing] Hey there, Mister Hinduist/Merry fucking Christmas! Drink eggnog and eat some beef and pass it to the missus/In case you haven't noticed/It's Jesus' birthday/So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fucking celebrate!
Mr. Mackey: [singing] Hark, hear the bells/Sweet silver bells/ All seem to say, "Ding dong, M'kay".
Eric Cartman: [singing] Mother tries to comfort me/She says, "Here son, have some eggnog"/But I fucking hate eggnog, seriously.
Eric Cartman: [singing] Here's a little dreidel, that's small and made of clay/But I'm not gonna play with it 'cause dreidel's fucking gay.
Santa Claus: There's like 300 Jesus songs and only four fucking Santa ones!
Eric Cartman: [singing to O Holy Night] Thank you, Jesus/For being born... Fall on your knees/And hear the angel's... Something...
Background Vocals: Voices!
Eric Cartman: Oh night devine! O night/That I get presents.
Gerald Broslofski: [singing] Courtney Cox, I love you/You're so hot, on that show ...