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Queer as Folk (TV Series 2000–2005) Poster

(2000–2005)

Quotes

[Justin walks out in his wedding tux]

Brian: Holy shit.

Justin: What?

Brian: You look...

Justin: Good? Bad? Laughable?

Brian: Beautiful.

Brian Kinney: [whispers in his ear] I love you.

Justin: [sighs]

Brian Kinney: I love you.

Brian: Remember what I said to you last night?

Justin: Yes, I heard. You said you love me.

Brian: Then how about marrying me?

[after she's read Brian and Justin's wedding announcement]

Debbie: There's only one explanation - he must've knocked up Sunshine.

Justin: I should have told you about him.

Brian Kinney: And taken all the fun out of it? So how big's his dick?

Justin: That has nothing to do with it.

Brian Kinney: Since when? You love cock, you love it down your throat, you love it up your ass, you love riding it, and after you cum, you love to fall asleep when it's still inside of you.

Brian Kinney: I don't believe in love; I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure and minimum of bullshit. Love is something straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid, and then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with.

Brian: It's not lying if they make you lie. If the only truth they can accept is their own.

Brian: [to Craig Taylor] So in other words, for Justin to live here with you, he has to deny who he is... what he thinks... and how he feels. Well, that's not love. That's hate.

[Justin's about to leave for New York]

Justin: I'll be back. And you'll come there, we're gonna see each other all the time.

Brian: You don't know that. Neither do I. Whether we see each other next week, next month, never again, it doesn't matter. It's only time.

Justin: [picking up the box that holds their wedding rings] You didn't return them?

Brian: I didn't return them.

Justin: We don't need rings or vows to prove that we love each other. We already know that.

Brian: ...You did it.

Justin: Did what?

Brian: Became the best homosexual you could possibly be.

Melanie: I told you, he's a total heterophobe.

Justin: It's true, he is.

Brian Kinney: It's true, I am.

Justin: This was the best night of my life.

Brian: Even if it was ridiculously romantic.

Brian Kinney: You stupid little twat, never let anyone fuck you without a condom.

Justin: You're not just anyone.

Brian Kinney: Yeah, I'm sure that's what Ben thought about the guy who infected him. Put it on me... I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.

Brian: What are you doing?

Justin: Giving my friend Daphne a tour of your house.

Brian: This isn't the White House. George Washington hasn't slept here.

Justin: He's the only guy who hasn't.

[about Justin leaving]

Brian: You infected him, with your petty, bourgois, mediocre, conformist, assimilationist life! Thanks to you he's got visions - babies, weddings, white picket fences - dancing in his blond little head.

Michael: And you think *I* put them there?

Brian: Before you and your husband tied the noose around your necks he was perfectly happy! But now, he's a defector, just like the rest of you!

Michael: He was never perfectly happy! Waiting for years for you to say "I love you, you're the only one I want."

Brian: That's *not* who I am!

Michael: Don't we all know!

Brian Kinney: [to Justin] You walked down with me, back to the Jeep, and we were goofing, we were dancing. I kissed you, said 'later,' and then you turned around and smiled. Then I knew why Debbie calls you Sunshine.

Justin: I'm not a child. I'm turning 18 soon. That means I can vote, and get married, and join the army.

Emmett: Hopefully not on the same day.

[Brian doesn't want Gus to move to Canada]

Brian: He's not the only one I'm going to be losing. I don't want you to go, Wendy.

Lindsay: I have to, Peter.

Brian Kinney: What're you doing?

Justin: Killing you with kindness. It's proven to be a highly effective technique for achieving one's goals.

Brian Kinney: The first time you came here, you didn't know anything about me. I could have done anything to you.

Justin: I was pretty sure you were gonna fuck me.

Brian: Didn't your daddy ever teach you how to tie a tie?

Justin: No, he was too busy kicking me out and beating the shit out of you.

Brian: Well neither did mine. He was too busy regretting the day I was born, c'mere.

[after Michael informs Hunter that Brian already has a boyfriend]

Hunter: You do?

Brian Kinney: In a non-defined, non-conventional way, yeah.

Michael: [to Justin, about Brian] If you ask me, he's been pretty good to you. He saved your life, he took you in, he's putting you through school, he protects you, he looks after you... And whether you believe it or not, he loves you, more than he's ever loved anyone.

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Justin: I fucked him so hard my dick's gonna be sore for a week.

Brian Kinney: I don't wanna hear about it.

Michael: Actually, I wanna hear more...

Ted: Speak slowly and enunciate...

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Brian: Sunshine, how did I ever get along without you?

Justin: You didn't.

Brian: We're queer. We don't need marriage. We don't need the sanction of dickless politicians and pederast priests. We fuck who we want to, when we want to. That is our God-given right.

Michael: But it is also our God-given right to have everything that straight people have. Because we're every bit as much human as they are.

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Ethan: Why do you have to be so antisocial?

Justin: I'm not antisocial. I just can't stand people.

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Michael: He's a selfish little shit.

Brian Kinney: Be quiet, Michael.

Michael: He used you, and he took from you, and he never gave back a thing.

Brian Kinney: I said be quiet!

Michael: And this is thanks you get for saving his life. If you ask me, it wasn't worth it, you might as well have just left him lying there...

Brian Kinney: [punches Michael in the face]

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Melanie: What are you? Mr. Teflon? Shit just never sticks to you.

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Brian: Don't get yourself all worked up.

Michael: I'm half Italian and half drag queen. I'm allowed to get worked up.

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Justin: I like dick. I wanna get fucked by dick. I wanna suck dick. I like sucking dick, and I'm good at it too.

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Brian: I don't want to be with someone who sacrified their life and called it love... to be with me.

Justin: Neither do I.

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Brian Kinney: I'm suing the motherfucker.

Michael: Take it easy, Brian.

Brian Kinney: He said I was thirty-one!... I'm thirty.

Justin: Is that all you care about? He practically called you a child molester.

Brian Kinney: And who should know, better than... you.

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Brian Kinney: Wouldn't you rather just cuddle?

Justin: What?

Brian Kinney: I said wouldn't you rather just lie here...

Justin: No no no, I heard what you said. You said "cuddle"!

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Justin: Well listen up, now that your hearing has returned... This queer says "FUCK YOU".

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Brian Kinney: This used to be such a magical kingdom, full of sprites and fairies.

Justin: Now it's like watching the Wizard of Oz in reverse.

Brian Kinney: Cops in the streets, cops in the bars, cops in the clubs. It's fucking depressing!

Justin: Unless you're into cops.

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[Ted's trying to get Brian to talk about losing both Michael and Justin]

Ted: You can't fool me. You gotta free yourself of this burden. Release it. Let it all hang out.

Brian: My mother was a frigid bitch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling or unable to form a committed long-term relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help, much. As a result, I've lost the two people in my life that mean most to me.

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Michael: Look, what happened between us, I just wanted to say...

Brian: Forget it. I behaved like an asshole; you behaved like a bigger one. So... you wanna be my best man?

Michael: Really?

Brian: You've always stood up for me. Why should now be any different?

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Lindsay: You'll be all right?

Brian: Wiffout you cwazy wesbians?

Lindsay: I meant Justin.

Brian: He's a selfish prick. Thinks only of himself.

Lindsay: You taught him well... I know. I'm sorry. No apologies.

Brian: No regrets.

[they kiss]

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Ted: [on dating a guy who's HIV positive] It's like playing with fire. I mean... what if a condom breaks? Or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed?

Brian: Or he shoots off his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe and it accidentally flies up your ass...

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[Michael and Hunter argue about Hunter's 'job' as a hustler]

Michael Charles Novotny: This guy could have killed you.

Hunter: They all could.

Michael Charles Novotny: Well, if you know that why do you do it?

Hunter: I have low self-esteem. I was sexualized at too early an age. It's exciting, fun, and a great way to make non-reportable income.

Michael Charles Novotny: I would like an honest answer, smart-ass.

Brian Kinney: He just gave you one.

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Justin: He loves me.

Brian Kinney: Your dreamy-eyed school boy.

Justin: In ways that you can't.

Brian Kinney: In ways that I won't.

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Brian: Do you know what I remember from high school?

Michael: That time in Biology when you beat off in a test tube and tried to call it your science experiment?

Brian: Food. There was always lots of food at your house.

Michael: Well, that's an Italian thing. And there was always lots of booze at your house.

Brian: That's an Irish thing.

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[Brian's looking at his car]

Brian: This is like that time in 7th grade when I lent you my brand new 10-speed and when you brought it back my front fender was crushed, my seat was torn...

Michael: I was hit by a bus!

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[walking up to a drunk Emmett]

Justin: We're going to Babylon. You wanna come?

Emmett: I'm not really in the mood for men or muscles or music... I'd rather stay here, get shit-faced.

Brian: You passed shit-faced about 10 miles back.

Emmett: So I've had a few cocktails. Does that qualify me for rehab? Besides, I've already been there.

Justin: Did you see Ted?

Emmett: And you'll never guess who's there with him.

Brian: Liza?

Justin: Robert Downey, Jr.?

Brian: Ben Affleck?

Justin: Matthew Perry?

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Brian: When did you change?

Michael: What?

Brian: When did you become this pious, sanctimonious, judgmental twit?

Michael: The point is not when did I change, the point is why haven't you? When are you gonna stop being some over-the-hill club boy and grow up?

Brian: Oh, so now I'm the object of your disapproval, too. You and the Nutty Professor get married, in fucking Canada! You move to Stepford Avenue with all the other ersatz heterosexuals, and suddenly that gives you the right to make pronouncements on everybody else's life? Well, welcome to the other side of your perfect marriage, Mikey. It's called gay divorce. Fags and dykes can fuck up their lives just like the rest of the world.

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Melanie: I used to hate it when Brian would say, "There are two kinds of straight people in this world - the ones who hate you to your face, and the ones who hate you behind your back," because I knew that wasn't true, there are plenty of straight people who don't hate us. But the ones who do no longer have to do it behind our backs, they can do it in the White House, in the churches, on television, in the streets! Is that the kinda place we wanna live? Is that the kinda place we wanna raise our kids?

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Debbie: It's three days. Three fucking days and not one fucking word. Except for this strange cryptic message - Don't worry, Ma, I'm all right.

Justin: Doesn't sound strange or cryptic to me.

Debbie: Well, you're not a mother.

Ben: I just talked to him, Debbie, and he's all right.

Debbie: He is not all right. A mother can always read between the lines. It's the first time since Michael's learned how to pick up a phone that we haven't talked three times a day.

Justin: Three?

Brian Kinney: I know, it explains so much.

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Brian Kinney: [to his mother] If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell, it's better than spending one good day in heaven WITH YOU!

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Brian Kinney: He's my best friend since we were 14.

Dr. David Cameron: That's 16 years of waiting. He's been waiting so long he actually thinks he's happy. But you and I both know that he's never gonna get what he really wants, is he?

Brian Kinney: And what is that, Doc?

Dr. David Cameron: For you to fuck him.

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Brian Kinney: [to Justin] By the way... I missed you.

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Debbie: Hi, honey. What are you doing here?

Michael: Uncle Vic asked me to bring some rope to tie you down.

Debbie: Kinky.

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Michael: Have you ever been on a date?

Brian: One. I ended up fucking the waiter.

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Brian: How do I look?

Justin: Great... You always look great.

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Ted: The contractor just told me that Babylon will be back on its dancing feet in no time with enough insurance money left over to put in that new sound system.

Brian: That's good news. Except I've decided not to reopen the club.

Ted: What?

Brian: Babylon is history.

Ted: But it's your baby, your toy, your personal playground.

Brian: Well, now it's a battleground.

Ted: What are you gonna do with it?

Brian: You said there're developers who wanna tear it down, put in a mini mall.

Ted: And you said you'd sooner die than see our happy homo home homogenized.

Brian: Enough people have already died. Anyway, who'd pay 20 bucks to dance in the memory of bombs and corpses?

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Melanie: You finally grew a heart.

Brian: Maybe you'll have the same luck growing a penis.

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Michael: You'll always be young. You'll always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake!

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Brian Kinney: You've been to enough heterosexual suicide pacts to know this is a wedding cake.

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Michael: Ma, do you have to sit here?

Debbie: I know you're uncomfortable hanging out in gay bars with your mother. But look at it this way. If you meet somebody nice, you won't have to bring him home to meet me, 'cause I'm already here.

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Michael: He wants me to be honest, to tell him what I really think.

Brian Kinney: And what do you really think?

Michael: It was kinda boring.

Brian Kinney: Kinda like him? He's your partner, Mikey. You gotta sit him down, take his hand and tell him "Honey, it's a steaming pile of horseshit."

Michael: Could you say that to Justin?

Brian Kinney: Yeah. Fortunately... he's a genius.

Michael: You are so helpful.

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Brian Kinney: You know what's wrong with our extracurricular one-fuck only policy?

Justin: Is it that after a while, you start asking yourself, am I doing this because I WANT to do it, or because I NEED to do it? And if I NEED to do it, is it to prove that I'm still young and attractive? Or because I feel unworthy of being loved?

Brian Kinney: Or maybe it's that I've had *every fuckable guy in here*!

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Brian Kinney: Well, there's no predicting. Oops, I said dick, didn't I.

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Jennifer Taylor: He told the therapist that he likes dick.

Debbie: See, you already have something in common. I bet you were thinking you would never have anything to share again.

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Brian Kinney: If someone would've told me what you were up to I would've fired your ass... if I hadn't had my dick inside it.

Justin: But I'm not sorry for anything.

Brian Kinney: I'm not saying you should be sorry, I'm saying you should apologize.

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Melanie: Your screwing everything that moves is your finest quality and our best defense.

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Michael: I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience or remorse.

Brian: I'm sorry, that position's already been filled.

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Michael Charles Novotny: You fucked a murderer?

Hunter: What's the big deal? I used a condom.

Brian Kinney: [to Michael] Well, your safe sex lecture paid off.

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Michael Charles Novotny: I don't know how you do it, working all day, fucking all night.

Brian Kinney: Well they say in the vast emptiness of space, the faster you move, the slower you age. I have to believe the same holds true for Pittsburgh. You care to join me?

Michael Charles Novotny: You'll have to stay forever young without me.

Brian Kinney: I understand, you're in a committed relationship with your, what is that hideous expression? Significant other? Loser.

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Emmett: What kind of homosexual are you?

Brian: The kind that fucks men.

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Brian: Basic rule of advertising and eternal damnation: Once you sell your soul to the devil, he holds the copyright.

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[about Gus]

Lindsay: Isn't he a little young for James Dean?

Brian: Well you don't want him watching The Teletubbies. Might make him gay.

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Monty: Which one of you is the gardener and which one's the chef?

Justin: I really like cooking.

Brian: And I love planting my seed in some hole...

[everyone looks at him strangely]

Brian: ... in the ground.

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[talking about Hunter leaving]

Michael: He was determined to leave so he left. There wasn't anything we could've done to stop him. Why are you beating yourself up over it?

Ben: Because he was my blood. You still have a healthy baby daughter, Michael. She'll be loved, sent to a good school, raised in a world where she'll have every chance, every opportunity. Not like Hunter who had nothing. Less than nothing. I wanted to give him all those things he never had.

Michael: So did I

Ben: But I failed.

Michael: You didn't fail.

Ben: Yes I did. I did fail.

Michael: We gave him a home, everything we could of ourselves to make him part of our family.

Ben: Then why isn't he still here?

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[Michael can't stand to talk about Mel and Linz moving]

Michael: I don't wanna talk about this.

Brian: Fine, let's talk about something else. What should I wear to my wedding? My mom wants me to wear the gown she wore, but, let's face it, she never had much luck.

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[Justin's making the wedding seating chart while he and Brian are talking about Gus moving]

Justin: Y'know, you amaze me. He's your son and you're acting like you don't give a shit.

Brian: They're his parents, not me. I'm just...

Justin: An uncredited guest appearance, I know. You should give yourself more credit. I see how you are when you're with him, it's like nobody else on earth exists. And the way he looks at you...

Brian: Y'know, I don't think you should seat your mom's boyfriend next to Debbie unless you're trying to scare him away.

Justin: Would you listen to me? Are you listening?

Brian: Yeah, I'm listening.

Justin: You are not your father. You love your son. Now what's it gonna take for you to admit it, another bomb?

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Michael: This is where it all began...

Brian: ...and ended.

Michael: But it's who we are. It's what made us.

Brian: Didn't you say that this was all just a cheap illusion? That outside life goes on and in here nothing ever changes?

Michael: I did say that, yes, but that was before I realized that some things aren't meant to change. Dance with me.

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[at Brian's stag party]

Michael: Can I have your attention, please? I would like to offer a toast to the memory of Brian Kinney. Out-going, friendly, some would say to a fault, he never met a man he didn't like.

Ben: In his younger days, Brian dreamed of being a lawyer. He said, "I want to get innocent men off. I'll go to any length to get to the bottom of things."

Emmett: Later on in life, he devoted himself to volunteer work. It's true. If he heard that someone was laid up, or flat on his back, he'd come time and time again until they felt better.

Michael: So, now that he's gone, I'm sure that there's not a man in this room who wouldn't agree that he has left a hole that can never be filled. Here's to Brian!

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[Brian has been acting uninterested in sex with Justin]

Justin: He's never turned me down before.

Emmett: I have to admit, that doesn't sound like the Brian Kinney we all know and... feel ambivalent about.

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Leda: [to Brian] You must be the Anti-Christ. Big fan.

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Brian Kinney: If you don't earn respect when you're alive, you don't deserve it when you're dead.

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Brian Kinney: Justin is a big boy. He should be allowed to make his own mistakes.

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Lindsay: Justin has an amazing feel for the human form.

Brian Kinney: Yes, I've noticed that myself.

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Lindsay: In your own weird, subversive way, you're not a bad father.

Brian Kinney: Well, I prefer to see myself as the anti-dad.

Lindsay: Whatever you are, if you'd like to spend more time with him, all you have to do is ask.

Brian Kinney: I think I'll stick to my un-credited cameo appearances.

Lindsay: You know, one day in the not-too-distant future, we'll be watching him graduate from school. Then I imagine he'll meet a lovely young girl - or boy. Get married, maybe. Have grandchildren, maybe.

Brian Kinney: Oh, you really know how to kill a moment, don't you?

Lindsay: Don't worry. I'm sure you'll be the hottest, handsomest anti-grandpa ever.

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Michael: Well, if it isn't Little Mary Sunshine.

Emmett: Little Mary Sunshine died. I'm Little Mary Go Fuck Yourself.

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Michael: You have anything to say?

Brian Kinney: No.

Michael: Well I do. You can fuck him at your place, you can fuck him in his gym class, you can fuck him at the zoo - but you can NOT fuck him in my mother's house! In my room!

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Emmett: I feel like the town slut on prom night. Again!

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Emmett: [to Blake] If you break his heart, I will break your face.

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Brian: If you don't want me to give you the money I'll loan it to you.

Justin: I don't need your handouts.

Brian: It's not a handout. When you graduate and get a real job you can pay me back with interest.

Justin: No thanks.

Brian: ...Why are you being such a twat?

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[On why Lindsay's WASP parents won't help pay for their wedding]

Melanie: You're a dyke, you're marrying a Jew, and you're a registered Democrat. Need I say more?

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Brian: He stole all my clothes. I'm suspecting gay-on-gay crime here.

Lindsay: It wouldn't surprise me. You've had more visitors than Disney World.

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Emmett: You're just jealous because we have what you don't.

Brian: Anal warts?

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Emmett: Pink champagne... yeah, uh, that's too nelly, even for me.

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Debbie: Well, if it isn't the man behind the asshole.

Michael: Brian's always behind the asshole.

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Daphne: I'm not a lesbian, but I'm a big fan.

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Brian: I want it to be you

Michael: What?

Brian: I want it to be you. I'll put it in writing.

Michael: I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug.

Brian: And you pull mine.

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Emmett: [on coming out] Why tell anyone? Why lose everything when it can just be your little secret? You see, it was different for me. Everyone could tell who I was from the start and it didn't make my life any easier. I've been beaten up, cursed at, spit on, ignored... but in a way it was worth it. Because I have never had to live a lie and I'm not about to start now. Not for you, not for anyone.

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Debbie: A word of advice, my sweet Emmett - mourn the losses because they are many. But celebrate the victories because they are few.

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[having just come home from the hospital after hitting his head during a swim meet]

Hunter: Two hours for a fuckin' Band-Aid. Good thing I wasn't decapitated or I'd be sitting in that goddamn Emergency Room holding my head all night.

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Emmett: Do you think I'm physically attractive? Sexy?

Debbie: Keeping in mind that I'm a heterosexual woman of a certain age, and you're queer as they come - fuck, yeah.

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Emmett: Apparently Pittsburgh is not ready to handle the fact that not only are queers anatomically corrrect, but they actually use all their parts.

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Ben: Instead of being our foster son, we'd like you to be our real son. That is, if you'd like us to be your fathers.

Hunter: You mean, you wanna adopt me?

Michael: As soon as possible, in case Prop 14 passes.

[Hunter begins writing in his journal, talking aloud]

Hunter: Today Michael and Ben asked me to be their son... I said yes.

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Melanie: [about Lindsay marrying Guillaume] What if he never leaves? What if he becomes a permanent fixture?

Brian: What if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle.

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Michael: She hit me. My mother fucking hit me!

Ted: She's always hitting you.

Brian Kinney: That's how she shows her affection.

Michael: I mean for real.

Brian Kinney: Well, what did Mikey do?

Michael: I told her she was pathetic for dating that fag-hating cop.

Ted: You know, if she keeps this up, we're going to have to take her honorary queer button away.

Michael: Where are her values? Her principles?

Brian Kinney: You know how it is when you want cock. They're the first things to go.

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Tracy: Whether you're gay or you're straight, I thought we were friends.

Michael: We are.

Tracy: Well, friends trust each other. What did you think would happen if you told me? That I'd tell everyone at the store? I wouldn't have, Mike. Don't you know that?

Michael: I should've. But when you spend your entire life keeping it a secret, who you really are, you learn to stop trusting people and it becomes second nature.

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Ted: I saw you. Fucking. When I woke up. I thought: I'm in hell and this is my punishment, watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity.

Brian Kinney: You should be so lucky.

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Ben: Michael, we can't tell him not to use drugs if we do it ourselves!

Michael: Of course we can! That's what being a parent is all about!

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Michael: Why can't we ever see Zephyr in a fuckfest with some great looking guy?

Justin: Because nobody buys our comics to see Zephyr get laid.

Michael: That is so not true! Just because you don't wanna see it.

Justin: It's not that I don't want to see it - it's that I can't imagine it!

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Justin: Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.

Ted: Thank you, Doogie Howser.

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[at the candlelight vigil for those injured or killed in the explosion at Babylon]

Drew Boyd: I was asked to say a few words tonight. I asked "why?" They said, "Because you're a hero." A hero... Because I played football? Because after a lifetime of denial I was finally honest about who I am? I don't call that heroic. What *is* heroic is standing up for the rights you deserve, no matter what the consequences. And that's exactly what those who were injured... and who lost their lives last night were doing. Or trying to before they were stopped. But they were up against a powerful opponent - hatred. Hatred spread by those that want to deny others what's rightfully theirs. In the name of *their* God, *their* family, *their* country. I guess they forgot that America belongs to everyone.

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Ted: I could fix you up with my sister... Only, she looks like me in a dress.

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Debbie: If I have to watch Martha Stewart make one more goddamn thing out of goat cheese, I'm going to kill myself.

Vic: AMC has a Joan Crawford festival all week.

Debbie: Nobody's that gay.

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Emmett: It's pathetic. My screen name has more fun than I do.

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Emmett: A song and a snack can turn any moment into an occasion.

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Mysterious Marilyn: God writes the script, sweetie. I just say the lines.

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Emmett: My flame has been rekindled and is burning brighter than ever.

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Emmett: I haven't seen so many dogs since 101 Dalmatians.

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Brian: Why don't you find yourself some nice fuzzy lezzy with a therapist license and work it out.

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Justin: Welcome to the real world Daph... Nobody gives a shit about a Gay-Straight Alliance.

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Daphne: I'm not the one who got weird. Ever since you met Brian, you've become this totally different person. You go out with him all the time to bars and clubs. It's like I don't even know you.

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Emmett: If you ask me, nobody makes a better woman than a gay man.

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Emmett: I prefer to think of them all as lunatics. Except for Aunt Lulah, who was supposed to be the crazy one. She was my only friend.

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Michael: ...in ways that maybe no one intended, those superheroes were a lot like me. At work they're meek, underappreciated... they're the guys that never get laid. And when they're around other people, they can never let anyone get too close for fear that their true identities will be discovered.

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Debbie: A leopard can't change his stripes and neither can a queer.

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Debbie: Article fourteen of the Super Mom handbook says no kicking assholes when they're down. They'd take away my halo.

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Debbie: You get my tits in a knot, Sunshine, and you're gonna be in deep shit.

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Debbie: I'm biting my tongue so hard I'm tasting blood.

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Melanie: There's no fucking way Brian Kinney's fucking sperm are doing the breaststroke in my fallopian tube.

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Michael: I want you to know what you're doing really sucks.

Brian: Oh Christ, not you too. Look, Stockwell's just stirring shit up. Once he gets elected this will all blow over.

Michael: You think it's going to blow over for Ted?

Brian: Um, Ted fucked up. That's not my problem.

Michael: Mom's right, you don't care about anyone but yourself.

Brian: Well if I don't who will, you know? Stockwell and his supporters are my first class ticket out of this second-rate, second-class Burg.

Michael: What about about your 'second-rate' friends?

Brian: When I'm on the 99th floor of my new office in New York, this will all seem like a distant memory.

Michael: Fine. Go.

[starts to leave]

Michael: Take Justin with you.

Brian: Wait, you didn't let me finish. It'll all seem like a distant memory except for you. Because no matter where I go or who I'm with. I'll always love you.

Michael: Bullshit.

Brian: It's not bullshit.

[He kisses Michael on the forehead]

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Michael: [about the casting of the lead character of his comic book] Well, I heard straight actors won't take gay roles.

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Debbie: So, how was your last trick?

Emmett: Mmm, big dick. Teeny brain.

Debbie: The best kind!

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Debbie: Out of my way or I'll punch you out.

Vic: Your doctor told you not to exert yourself.

Debbie: Well fuck 'em! I punched you out when you were a kid, and I can punch you out now!

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[looking at Melanie's ultra-sound]

Michael: Holy shit! Would you check out the dick on this kid?

Lindsay: That's the umbilical cord.

Melanie: Besides, you can't tell from this if it's a boy or girl. Although something tells me a princess is on the way.

Michael: Well, it's Ok with me if he's gay.

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Michael: You can't open someone else's mail. It's a federal offense.

Hunter: I can see it now: I'm on Death Row awaiting a lethal injection. This mass murderer who killed 48 babies and ate them asks me what I'm being executed for. I say, "Opening Ben's letter."

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Debbie: There is an alternative to going out in a blaze of glory, and that's giving 'em all the big 'Fuck you.'

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Emmett: Teddy, how many of those power bars have you had?

Ted: [shrug] Who's counting?

Emmett: I am. That's your fourth. Do you know the number of carbs in those things, not to mention the calories?

Ted: So I'll burn 'em off.

Emmett: Honey, you'd have to go up in flames.

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[Brian tells Ted he plans to buy Babylon]

Brian: I want it!

Ted: Oh, you want it! What for?

Brian: I gotta keep the boys off the street at night. I gotta provide them with a warm, friendly environment in which to use illegal substances and have promiscuous sex - safely, of course.

Ted: Noble sentiment. But investment-wise, not very practical.

Brian: And what would be practical, Theodore? To get married? And move to the suburbs? And become a home-lovin', child-raisin', God-fearin' imitation heterosexual? And for what? So that I can become another dead soul, goin' to the mall, droppin' my kids off at school, and having barbecues in the backyard? That's *their* death. Not mine. I'm a cock-sucker! I'm queer! And to anyone who takes pity or offense, I say, "judge yourself." This is where I live. This is who I am.

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[Brian's just about to re-open Babylon]

Brian: I haven't had this much fun with a toy since my Erector Set!

Emmett: My parents couldn't afford an Erector Set. So I decided to play with the one God gave me.

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Debbie: My good ring just fell behind the fridge!

Michael: Your *good* ring?

Debbie: Yeah, the one I got on the TV show.

Vic: From the Joan Rivers Collection.

Debbie: And don't say a fucking thing about her. I like that she's got a big, dirty mouth that gets her in trouble.

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Emmett: My intuition tells me things are not going to go well tonight.

Ted: Well, your intuition also told you Madonna was going to win an Oscar for "Evita."

Emmett: She *so* deserved it.

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Mel: Don't fuck with Mother Nature, huh? Well, I'm here to tell her, don't fuck with me!

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Debbie: Well, as far as I'm concerned, it ain't over until the... slightly-overweight-but-still-working-on-it lady sings.

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Brian: [shows Lindsay a poster] Blue Rooster. The chicken chain. They need a campaign for their new 16-ounce sandwich. How do ya like, "When You're Hungry For A Big Cock!"?

[Lindsay blankly stares]

Brian: Yeah, they didn't like it either.

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Brian: I'm sure there are millions of faggots who'd love nothing more than to walk the straight-and-narrow, but I'd sooner die than see Liberty Avenue homogenized and de-homo-ized.

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[there is a huge line outside Babylon]

Emmett: Brian must be giving blow jobs to get customers. Honestly, he has no shame.

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[doing his Queer Guy segment on the news]

Emmett: Hi. I'm Emmett Honeycutt, your Queer Guy. And certified member of the 4-F Club. That's fashion, food, furnishings, and

[chuckles]

Emmett: we'll save the last F for cable.

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Melanie: [about passing baby J.R. around] If you would've listened to me and done what I said, we wouldn't be playing this game of, "Baby, Baby, Who's Got The Baby?".

Lindsay: That's what's killing you, isn't it? It has nothing to do with the baby or the custody agreement. It has to do with you, Melanie Marcus, not getting her way, not having complete control over everything. Well, tough shit, ya don't!

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Brian: [about Monty and Eli thinking Babylon is trashy] So many couples I speak to these days feel that way. That's why I'm starting Monogamous Mondays.

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[Ted is just about to have plastic surgery, and he has lines and arrows drawn all over his face]

Ted: Look at me! I look like a cow chart in the butcher shop!

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Lindsay: He's been saying "Dada" all morning.

Brian: So he's developed an interest in German surrealism...

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Michael: Rather than missing what used to be, I look forward to what's yet to be.

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Brian: Good evening, twats.

Emmett: Would you kindly refrain from using derogatory references to women, since they represent half my fan base.

Brian: Have any hermaphrodites?

Emmett: I don't think so.

Brian: Good. Go fuck yourself.

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Troy: Fucking losers! They just don't get it, do they? These guys, I feel sorry for them. I can't help it, it's my nature. So out of the goodness of my heart, I have sex with them, give them something to remember for a rainy day. But it's never enough. They're pitiful. Fucking pitiful.

Ted: I know what you mean... I was one of them.

Troy: What? You're hot.

Ted: You didn't think so then. Pride, 2002.

Troy: Thought there was something familiar about you.

Ted: Yeah, I was one of your pity fucks. A fact you made painfully clear. Well, guess what? Now you're mine.

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[Ben opens the front door]

Ben: Brian!

Brian: Excellent, Professor. You recognize the subject and can identify him by name.

Ben: We've gone to bed.

Brian: That's right, I forgot. The Stepford Husbands turn in early!

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Emmett: [talking to himself] Emm, don't be such a scaredy queen. No-one's stalking you. Why would anybody stalk you? Just because you're on the Channel 5 news, and everybody adores the Queer Guy. And of course there is the undeniable fact that you have an awesome ass.

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[after talking to homophobic people all day]

Corinne: I wanted to say, "How can you be such a bigoted, ignorant asshole and still call yourself an American?"

Melanie: What *did* President Bush say?

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[Michael says that Ben's been heartbroken since Hunter left]

Debbie: You two having sex?

Michael: Ma!

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Emmett: As Deb once said to me, "Em, you've been on more wieners than French's mustard."

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[about their first night at Babylon, so many years ago]

Brian: I thought I looked pretty hot.

Michael: You did look pretty hot... That night I jerked off thinking about you.

Brian: Well, whaddya know. I jerked off thinking about me, too.

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[giving his speech at the Committee for Human Rights]

Michael: It's an honor to stand here today, considering a few weeks ago the doctors weren't sure I was going to make it. But I was one of the lucky ones. I'm here. And as terrifying as it was, I'd be there again to defeat a bill that would deny rights to Americans just because they're gay. I have a loving partner, two wonderful kids, a home, a small business. The truth is, I'm just like you.

[puts away prepared speech and speaks from the heart]

Michael: Actually, that's not the truth. Sure, in a lot of ways, I am just like you. I wanna be happy, I want some security, a little extra money in my pocket, but in many ways, my life is nothing like yours. Why should it be? Do we all have to have the same lives to have the same rights? I thought that diversity was what this country was all about. In the gay community, we have drag queens, leather daddies, trannies, and couples with children - every color of the rainbow. My mother's standing way in the back with some friends. My friends. She once told me that people are like snowflakes; every one special and unique... and in the morning you have to shovel 'em off the driveway. But being different is what makes us all the same. It's what makes us family.

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Debbie: Do you know what MYOB stands for?

TedEmmett: [look blankly]

Debbie: Mind your own fucking business.

Ted: Shouldn't there be an "f" in there?

Emmett: [nods] Mmm.

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[Ted and Emmett are at a ski lodge, with Ted just about to blow out his birthday candles]

Ted: Every year I always wish for the same thing - a boyfriend. Someone to love who'll love me. This year I think I'm gonna wish for something else. The wisdom and maturity to realize that I won't find what I want by looking for it. Not expect someone else to give me what I never gave myself. That I'm not a half waiting to be made a whole. And even if that special person never comes along... I'll be just fine.

[Suddenly, Blake walks up behind Ted]

Blake Wyzecki: Ted?

Ted: Blake?

Blake Wyzecki: I thought it was you.

Ted: What are you doing here?

Blake Wyzecki: I'm on the gay ski team. And it's gay ski week.

Ted: Right. Uh, you remember...

Blake Wyzecki: Emmett.

Emmett: Yeah, wow, what a surprise. And Teddy was just about to hang up his skis.

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Calvin: Pardon me, but aren't you Emmett Honeycutt, of the Hazelhurst, Mississippi Honeycutts?

Emmett: Why, yes I am. And you are?

Calvin: Ah...

Emmett: Oh, my God. You're Calvin Colpepper! You were on the boys' swim team in high school! I used to go to those meets just hoping your trunks would slip off.

Calvin: Oh, now...

Emmett: But I always thought you were, um...

Calvin: So did I.

Emmett: So what do you say we go back to my room and reminisce about old times?

Calvin: There's not that much to reminisce about.

Emmett: I know.

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[just as Mel and Linz are leaving for Canada]

Debbie: Hold it. I don't care where you're going and I don't care what you're doing, but you better get your asses back here every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, Chanukah, and Mother's Day. Cos you know how I feel about family.

Melanie: We wouldn't be one without you, Deb.

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Michael: If God wanted me on ice, he would have made me a vodka martini.

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Justin: [Brian has decided to move to New York] We should stop him.

Michael: Stop Brian... right. Next we can take on Starbucks.

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Michael: I'm sure he would go if I wanted him to.

Brian: Uh-huh.

Michael: It's true!

Brian: All right, then make sure he's there.

Michael: All right, I will.

Brian: Okay.

Michael: Okay.

Brian: Great.

Michael: Fine.

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Debbie: [trying to comfort Michael when he was unable to donate his sperm] Don't be so hard on yourself.

Brian Kinney: [turns around] I wouldn't mention "hard on!"

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Brian Kinney: Aw, Melanie the Martyr - should I set you on fire?

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Ben: Your friend Stockwell chased all the hustlers off Liberty Avenue - now they're right under our bedroom window.

Brian Kinney: Say what you will about city living, you can't beat it for the convenience.

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Brian Kinney: 'Hey hey ho ho homophobia's got to go.' Gimme a fucking break.

Michael: So I take it you're not going?

Brian Kinney: Hell no, I won't go.

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Brian Kinney: Remember last Christmas when I came to pick you up and you were setting up for Santa's Workshop?

Michael: Not Santa, don't tell me you fucked Santa!

Brian Kinney: Even I wouldn't do that - I'm not into fat. His elf.

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Brian Kinney: I've always dreamed of having an office with a drain in the floor.

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Brian Kinney: Yo, bitches - tear each other's hair out later.

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Brian Kinney: You know, he's a first. The first almost dead guy I sort of had sex with.

Michael: You had sex with Ted?

Emmett: You never had sex with Ted.

Michael: When did you have sex with...

Brian Kinney: Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy.

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Detective Carl Horvath: You were right.

Brian Kinney: My three favourite words after 'nine inches cut'.

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Michael: Your loyalty to Lindsay means more than our friendship?

Brian Kinney: Don't make this about us, Michael.

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Emmett: Everybody knows I'm terrible judge of character.

Brian Kinney: Yeah, just look at who he hangs out with!

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Debbie: Don't forget, Monday night, ziti night.

Michael: Great. So I can be fat AND single.

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Debbie: Now, you'd better get out of here before me and my fag friends beat the living shit out of you!

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Vic: Once upon a time I was a pretty decent chef.

Debbie: 'Decent?' He was another Sara Lee!

Vic: I'll take that as the compliment I'm sure was intended.

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Emmett: [Someone knocks on Emmett/Michael's door] Well, that must be Prince Charming!

Emmett: [Emmett opens the door and Brian is standing there, not Dr. Dave] Make that the wicked witch!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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