Memorable quotes for
"Black Books" (2000) More at IMDbPro »

Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

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Bernard: [phone rings] Manny? Manny, phone. Manny.
[sigh]
Bernard: Oh, I'll get it, shall I?
[picks up]
Bernard: Hello?
Manny: [on phone] Bernard?
Bernard: Manny. Where are you? The phone's been ringing.

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Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...
Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.

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Fran: You said he had a funny smell.
Bernard: He did. He did. He had a living beetroot smell.

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Bernard: Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

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Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

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Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

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Bernard: Who are you?
First Customer: I'm a customer.
Bernard: Oh, right.

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Manny: There's a girl.
Bernard: A what? You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls- people. Who is she?
Manny: Roweena, a friend of Anne's. I met her once and was hoping to meet her again.
Bernard: Oh, I see.
[Mockingly]
Bernard: Roweena! Roweeeeena! And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?
Manny: Why are you getting so angry?
Bernard: I can't help being angry when I'm furious! So, before you go off to raise your bearded freak circus, what's she like?
Manny: She's nice.
Bernard: She's nice, she- dont make me sick into my own scorn. What are her prospects? Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the servants?
Manny: I don't know. All I know is I like her and there's a good chance that she likes me.
Bernard: [Later] Well, we're going to this party because I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress.

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Bernard: [selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but quite short.

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Customer: [brings back copy of Tempocalypse] I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, i was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money
Bernard: [grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops] Aha! sand!
[collects some onto his finger]
Bernard: Manny!
[sprinkles it into manny's mouth]
Manny: [tasting the sand] Sardinia... South... Porto Scuzo... The little beach by the monastery.
Bernard: [to customer] Get out!
[shoves his book back into his hands]
Customer: Damn!
[leaves]

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[after Manny has swallowed "The Little Book Of Calm"]
Doctor: Well, it's bad news I'm afraid, Mr. Bianco. 'The Little Book of Calm' has become lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. If it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds.
Manny: Oh my God!
Doctor: No no, hold on a moment, that's just the worst case scenario. The other possibility - and this is far more likely - is that 'The Little Book of Calm' will move to the right, where it will enter the renal canal. If this happens, you could live for anything up to, ooh, ten years, one year, who knows?
Manny: Oh my God!
Doctor: Because of the massive scarring caused by 'The Little Book of Calm', however, it is possible that you will be in a massive amount of pain...
Manny: [interrupting] Oh my God! Oh, sorry.
Doctor: ...during that time.
Manny: Oh my God!
[the Doctor's beeper goes]
Doctor: Sorry, I'm going to have to go. We'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it. There's a good chance you'll survive - a thirty percent chance, I'd say - so try not to worry about it. As the book itself says,
[holding the X-Ray up to the light]
Doctor: 'whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island'.

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[attempting to fill in his tax return form]
Bernard: "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do.
[writing on the form]
Bernard: 'Ma. Possibly deceased'.

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Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taveria in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.

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[after Manny has ran away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities over the phone]
Fran: Well, where is he? How can I find him?
Bernard: Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.

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Manny: Bernard, I was wondering if you might have a word with Fran. Tell her that I'm looking after Jason and he doesn't appreciate her trying to flirt with him.
Bernard: Ssssh!
[meowing is heard]
Bernard: You hear that? He's up there... mewing in the nerve centre of his evil empire. A ground rent increase here, a tax dodge there? he sticks his leg in the air, laughs his cat laugh... and dives back down to grooming his balls!

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Bernard: My oven can cook bits of oven!

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Bernard: Whores will have their trinkets.

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