Jay: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is makin' the movie... we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love- Jay and Silent Bob.
Jay: What are you trying to say? Just say it already.
Silent Bob: [screams] THE SIGN on the back of the car said "Critters Of HOLLYWOOD", YOU DUMB FUCK!
Jay: Say it, don't spray it.
Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?
Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?
Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?
Hooker #2: As nasty as you want to be, papi.
Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.
Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!
[both hookers leave]
Jay: What? You said "nasty"!
[to Silent Bob]
Jay: Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.
Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?
Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
Jay: [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noise noise noise, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noise, noise noise / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?
Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
[Silent Bob points to the two teens]
Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain.
Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
Jay: I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck
[referring to Silent Bob]
Jay: , none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
Miramax Security Guard Gordon: Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup.
Echo Base: [over Gordon's walkie talkie] I thought that was a 10-82.
Miramax Security Guard Gordon: No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.
Echo Base: [slightly amused] Oh, that Affleck! Backup on the way...
Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a motherfucker.
Holden: What's up now.
[Justice and Sissy are engaged in a fist-fight]
Sissy: Your shit is really getting tired, Justice.
Justice: Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck', bitch.
Shannen Doherty: Fucking Miramax! Cut!
Wes Craven: Shannen, I usually say cut.
Shannen Doherty: A monkey? Wes? Jesus, you're not even trying anymore are you?
Wes Craven: The Market research says that people love monkeys.
[Jay and Silent Bob run in and grab the monkey]
Jay: WE LOVE THIS MONKEY!
[to a crew member]
Jay: Do something.
Wes Craven: See?
Whillenholly: It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuckbeans. That was them, wasn't it?
[Cock-Knocker has gotten his hand chopped off]
Cock-Knocker: Not again.
Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who fucked the pie!
Jason Biggs: You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!
James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie!
Sissy: Since you let our patsy slip away, you gotta convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. They gotta break into Provasik now.
Sissy: Uh-huh. You'll do it, or you're out of the gang, Justice. Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him, since he's SO fucking in love with you.
Justice: Jay? No, he's not.
Sissy: What am I, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van like he was fucking Lord Byron?
Justice: Well, maybe he just has manners.
[cut to Jay outside, hollering at a woman walking past him]
Jay: Yo, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
[he turns to Silent Bob, who stares at him in shock]
Banky: Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are callin' us names because of this fuckin' stupid movie.
Banky: That's what the Internet's for, slandering others anonymously! Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!
Jay: This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts by a guy named Cockknocker!
Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic." So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!
Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember? For likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic," when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a VERY actionable position.
[Banky stares at Silent Bob in disbelief]
Banky: You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.
Jay: Well, we want somethin' for our mental anguish.
Banky: Tell you what: let's settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I make.
[Silent Bob's eyes widen in surprise]
Jay: [eagerly] Half?
Banky: Half's not enough? Fine, I'll give you two-thirds of what I make.
Jay: Fuck you, you already said half. You can't take it back.
[Silent Bob rolls his eyes]
[they smile and shake hands as Silent Bob shakes his head]
Tricia Jones: [on "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie"] Well! That was just another paean to male adolescence and its refusal to grow up.
Alyssa Jones: Yeah, sis. But it was better than "Mallrats". At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it.
Tricia Jones: Why didn't Miramax option his other comic instead. You know, the one about you and him and your "relationship"?
Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy"? That would never work as a movie.
Tricia Jones: But...
Ben Affleck: [ready to act but haven't heard "Action"] So? Action, Gus or what?
Gus Van Sant: Christ, Ben, I said I'm busy.
[regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie]
Randal Graves: That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans."
Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me.
Randal Graves: Remind me to renew that restraining order.
Dante Hicks: Why?
Randal Graves: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.
Jay: [clears throat] And I'll be, like, "What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? The fuckin' mack daddys of fuckin' Jersey?" And she'll be, like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that you's guys are a couple of little
[emphatically to Silent Bob]
[several security guards, led by Gordon, have suddenly rushed onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
Matt Damon: [exasperated] Oh Jesus, again Ben?
Ben Affleck: [cocky] No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: There they are!
Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!
Jay: In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.
Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?
Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
Jay: They don't? How 'bout "fine piece of ass"?
Justice: How about not.
Jay: Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you?
Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
Jay: Boo boo kitty fuck?
Justice: That's... a start.
[Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob]
Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son. That's the ape.
Whillenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go.
[the C.L.I.T. is being discussed on TV]
Holden: Nights like this... I miss dating a lesbian.
Banky: Uh, Chaka? Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of "Bluntman and Chronic." We met a few weeks back, I'm the executive producer.
Chaka: Oh, you're the executive producer. Well, why don't you executive produce me a latte - De-Crackernated. Okay, Fucky?
Banky: Actually, it's Banky.
Chaka: No, it is Fucky.
Whillenholly: The C.L.I.T. is an offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
Reg Hartner: Oh, you mean the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?
James Van Der Beek: [about "Dawson's Creek"] You actually watch that show?
Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to 3rd base with her?
James Van Der Beek: Well, actually there was this one time...
[believing Jay and Silent Bob to be their stunt doubles]
Jason Biggs: You're doubling me, obviously. I play Bluntman, aka Silent Bill.
James Van Der Beek: Bob.
Jason Biggs: Right. And he's playing Chronic, aka Ray.
James Van Der Beek: Jay. Fuck, Biggs, did you even READ the script?
Jason Biggs: There's a script?
James Van Der Beek: Listen, Potzer!
Jason Biggs: There's a script for this movie?
James Van Der Beek: You wouldn't last A DAY on the Creek. A day.
Jason Biggs: Fuck you and your Dawson's Crap! Go to hell, Pacey! Go to hell!
James Van Der Beek: At least call me by the right fucking character.
Jay: Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
Cock-Knocker: Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha, ha, you're gonna love this. True story!
[punches Jay in the crotch]
Sissy: Shut the fuck up, before I shoot you where you stand in your pansy red booties.
Jay: [Looks down] I *AM* wearing pansy red booties
[Looks at Silent Bob]
Jay: Why the fuck didn't you tell me?
Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'.
Chrissy: I'm on it.
[pulls out knife]
Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?
Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Dude, she called you retarded.
Chaka's Production Assistant: You the man.
Chaka Luther King: No, you the man, and that's the problem.
Devil Jay: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Man, what the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up. Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch! Girls like that kinda shit.
Devil Jay 2: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Right about here is where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out, but we bitch-slapped that motherfucker and send him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let it rip boy...
[Both devils disappear]
Angel Jay: [with a black eye, appears out of nowhere and singing] Jesus loves the little children...
Angel Jay: Oh sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here?
[looks down at Jay's erection]
Angel Jay: Oh shit! Don't tell me your thinking of whipping your dick at that fine piece of woman, are you?
[Jay nods. Angel slaps Jay with his harp]
Angel Jay: Tell you what... Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks that a good idea to whip your dick out.
[Jay looks at Silent Bob with a questioning look. Silent Bob shakes his head]
Angel Jay: That's it boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv-bullshit's gonna work for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nooch. Now I gotta beat the shit out of those punch-sucker little bitches. Remember: Don't pull your dick out 'till she asks, or until she's sleeping. BOOOONG...
Jay: Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What?
Chaka: This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2.
Chaka's Production Assistant: Or House Party 3.
Chaka: Shut the fuck up!
Chaka: Crazy crackers with guns. Its time I get my black ass out of here.
[Bluntman and Cock-Knocker are fighting with bongsabers]
Chaka: I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody.
Assistant Director(GWH 2): Okay, you two. Just stand there, and react. Don't say anything!
[Points to Silent Bob]
Assistant Director(GWH 2): Especially you.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] That's pretty funny.
Matt Damon: Just take it from "It's a good course."
Ben Affleck: Oh, now you're the director.
Matt Damon: Hey shove it, Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this...
Ben Affleck: Hey look, I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever-gay-serial-killers-who-ride-horses-and-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-picture you're supposed to be doing this week.
Matt Damon: I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature?
Ben Affleck: You're like a child. What've I been telling you? You gotta do the safe picture. Then you can do the art picture. But then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him.
[They both take a beat and look at the camera]
Ben Affleck: And sometimes, you go back to the well.
Matt Damon: And sometimes, you play Reindeer Games.
Ben Affleck: See, that's just mean.
Randal Graves: See? If you were funnier than that, ABC wouldn't have cancelled us.
Teen #1: Jay says you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding, and you tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers.
Teen #2: Yeah, and he says you're the bitch and you're the butch.
Dante Hicks: I'm the BITCH?
Randal Graves: Well, if we were gay, that's certainly the way I'd see it.
Dante Hicks: Will you shut up!
Teen #1: [to Teen #2] Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over.
Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?
Jay: It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust up some people who were calling us names on the internet, even thought they're not really talking about us but characters based on us, and at the same time find my ex-girlfriend-who-was-killed-by-a-car-explosion's monkey.
Pumpkin Escobar: Man... I don't know what the FUCK you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart.
Jay: Hey, lawdog.
Whillenholly: [Willenholly realizes Jay & Silent Bob didn't jump] Hey!
Jay: See you in hell, cocksmoker!
Whillenholly: Aww, Fuck Meeeee!.
[after the "Bluntman & Chronic" premiere]
Banky: God, I'm so embarrassed.
Hooper: You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching "Batman & Robin" all over again.
Whillenholly: Remember, folks... stimulation of the C.L.I.T is not recommended.
Jay: So, you think I could get a little kiss for good luck?
[Justice kisses him passionately]
Jay: Think I could get a little blow job for good luck?
Justice: No. Go.
[Silent Bob tries to get a good luck of his own]
Jay: Get off my Kool-Aid motherfucka!
[to a customer at his comic shop, bending a comic's spine]
Brodie: It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.
Holden: Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal... Bong.
Jay: So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!
Holden: Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
[Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera]
Hitchhiker: [explaining why he gives head for rides] Have you seen the price of bus tickets lately. There's no way I'm gonna cough up 200 bucks just to get to Chicago.
Jay: Fuck that, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm.
Hitchhiker: Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight... it's all the same now. There are no more lines.
Steve-Dave Pulasti: [at Brodie's Secret Stash] Boy, Walt. This store sure does suck ass, doesn't it?
Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave.
Brodie: You're both banned.
Steve-Dave Pulasti: Holy Shit. Un-ban us. This guy'll suck your dick.
Brodie: I'm sure he will.
Walt "Fanboy" Grover: [Steve-Dave is forcing him onto his knees] NO!
Whillenholly: [Jay and Silent Bob are hiding in the diner] They've got a monkey in there?
Sheriff: An ape.
Sheriff: An orangutan's a member of the great ape family, it's not a monkey.
Whillenholly: Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here, me or you? That's what I thought.
Chaka's Production Assistant: [after asked to get a new clean latte] Here's your coffee sir, booger-free.
Chaka Luther King: [slaps it out his hands] Get that shit the fuck out of here.
Brodie: Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.
Jay: What? Since when?
Brodie: See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Willenholly: Put the monkey down, and your hands up. Let's go, misters. Do you want to get shot? I didn't think so.
Jay: Look, man. She doesn't want to go back to the lab. And for the record, I ain't gay.
Willenholly: And for the record, while we're one the subject, I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
Jay: And for one more record, he does love the cock.
Jay: Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh, shit, It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab?
Jay: What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... *Roswell* style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - *you maniacs*! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!
[James Van Der Beek and Jason Biggs are being arrested by mistake]
James Van Der Beek: You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anyone watch the WB?
Jason Biggs: I'm a teen idol, dammit! Don't you recognize me? Look at me. I'm the pie fucker.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: [to his buddies] Yeah, well. In prison, he'll be the pie.
Jay: Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game".
Brodie: Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.
Jason Biggs: No. I, I love gay people.
James Van Der Beek: Yeah, I'll bet you do.
Jason Biggs: No, I'm fine with gay...
[Jason Biggs notices the orangutan]
Jason Biggs: Oh, look at the monkey.
James Van Der Beek: Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay.
Jason Biggs: Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
Jay: [after tossing Brent out of the van] Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker?
Brent: I would *never* fuck a sheep!
[sees a sheep in a nearby field]
Brent: Hey there. How you doing?
[reaches for a condom]
Brent: I *love* animals.
[goes for the sheep]
Silent Bob's Mother: Bobby Boy, stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, kay? Here, this will keep the sun out of your eyes.
[puts a baseball cap on his head backwards]
Silent Bob's Mother: You be good, now.
[walks in store, then Jay and his Mom arrive]
Jay's Mother: Alright, don't you fuckin' move you little shit machine. Your Momma's going to try to score.
Passerby: What the hell? 'Scuse me. Who's watching these babies?
Jay's Mother: Uh... the fat one's watchin the little one?
Passerby: Oh yeah, nice parenting. Leave 'em out here like that and see what happens.
Jay's Mother: YO, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SQUARE!
Passerby: Oh yeah, keep on truckin'!
Jay's Mother: [to infant Jay] Did ya hear that fuckin' guy tellin' me how to fuckin' raise ya? What a motherfucker, man! Who the fuck does that fuckin' guy think he is? What's the worst fuckin' thing that can fuckin' happen to ya just standing outside a fuckin' store, right? Fuck!
[Jay's mother walks into the record store, leaving infant Jay and Silent Bob in their strollers]
Baby Jay: [his first words] Fuck... fuck... fuck... fuck...
Jay: So your in this for the pussy right?
Brent: No, I'm in this because I LOOOVE animals, stupid?
Jay: Even Sheep?
Brent: Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures.
Jay: So would you fuck a sheep?
Brent: What is your damage, little boy. You have a sick and twisted world perspective.
Jay: No, you're misunderstaning me, Prince Valiant. I'm saying if you were a sheep, would you fuck a sheep, if you were another sheep?
Brent: Well, in that case, you bet your sweet ass I would.
Jay: Thought so.
Jay: Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us. He said he'd fuck a sheep!
Brent: No! No! No!
Jay: [Throws Brent out the door of the van, flips him off as he's looking out the door as they're still driving] WHO'S STUPID NOW, DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!
Chaka: Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it. That's right. I was gonna call it "N.W.P." - Niggaz With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?
Willenholly: Oh my God. I'm paralyzed! That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! Oh sweet irony!
Justice: You're not paralyzed. It was just a tranquilizer.
Whillenholly: We don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way.
Whillenholly: Wow. That was just an incredibly daring escape.
Justice: They didn't really steal the monkey. It was just a diversion so we could steal these.
[showing a bag of stolen diamonds]
Justice: And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T is not real.
Whillenholly: No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth.
Jay: [after pulling a very long pube out of his teeth] Eew, man, she had '70s bush. Damn second rule in that book should be: "Trim that shit".
Chaka: Do you think "Fat Albert" had an inker? No, Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller and it was EXCELLENT.
[Silent Bob gets stuck in an open sewer pipe]
Jay: Just like Winnie the Pooh.
Jay: Hey, I'll make you a deal - this guy
[points to Silent Bob]
Jay: will suck your dick off if you let us go.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual.
Jay: How about this deal- he'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Alright.
[takes Jay and Silent Bob behind a wall, out of sight]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Make it fast and sexy.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] It's either this or jail. And you know what they do to you in jail.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: I was a guard. Alright, and after it's all over, you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea party".
Holden: Nothing. The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies.
Chaka's Production Assistant: Here's your coffee sir.
Chaka: Did you spit in it?
Chaka's Production Assistant: I didn't spit in it sir.
Chaka: Any boogers in it?
Chaka's Production Assistant: There's no boogers in it sir.
Chaka: You went to film school didn't you? Must piss you off to see a black man runnin' a big old production like this, huh? Went to film school. Does your daddy know you give a nigga his coffee? Must kill him, doesn't it!
Chaka's Production Assistant: There's no boogers in it sir.
Chaka: Then taste it. Taste the booger flavor. I know it's in there!
Chaka: Duck, pie fucker! Damn, these white boys can't fight.
Willenholly: [while masturbating to donkey / girl porn] Oh Yeah! Oh Yeah! You chug that ass cock, baby. You need two hands. Oh, you like that, MULE. Mules are... GOOD!
Clark: [during filming for Good Will Hunting 2] You're just no longer any good, Will Hunting. Now how do *you* like *them apples*?
Ben Affleck: [in huddle with Damon] I don't like the sound of them apples, Will. What are we gonna do?
Matt Damon: Chucky, it's hunting season.
[Will pulls out his shotgun and blows the guy away]
Ben Affleck: Applesauce. Bitch.
Whillenholly: [to Banky] Wow, there's a lot of love in the room.
Banky: Regardless of what you may have heard, I do not kiss guys.
Whillenholly: Okay, play it cool, hot shot.
Jay: I hope one rips the other one's shirt off and we see some fuckin titties floppin around, yeah!
Sissy: Y'know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be into all this girl stuff. Stealing, boning, blowing shit up, and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. It's really a fucking drag.
Jay: [the monkey has been put into a car] Man, who the fuck steals monkeys?
Silent Bob: [Points to Jay and himself]
Jay: Oh yeah...
Reg Hartner: And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with.
Justice: Hi, I'm Justice.
Jay: And I'm so fucking yours.
[Justice is almost repulsed when Jay makes a quick save]
Jay: Oh, Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.
Justice: It's nice to meet you.
Jay: Justice, that's a nice name...
Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...
[Sniffing out white people]
Chaka Luther King: Cra-cra-cracker?
[Reading a message off the Internet]
Holden: Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses.
[the Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves]
Jay: Yo! You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that.
[pulls out a bag of rolled up joints]
Jay: We call them... Doobie Snax.
[Jay and Silent Bob are hitchhiking on a road late at night]
Jay: I can't belive this shit. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon.
[the Mystery Machine van from the Scooby Doo cartoons pulls up alongside Jay and Silent Bob]
Brent: What's your damage, little boy? You've got a sick and twisted world perspective.
[on his cell phone]
Whillenholly: Plaschke, this is Willenholly. I need you to get me on the national news, pronto. Why? Because we may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet.
Banky: Your friend's a fucking clown shoe, you know that?
Silent Bob: You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that.
Whillenholly: Sorry, Justice. We've gotta go.
Whillenholly: Hey, stop stealing monkeys.
Jay: Fuck you.
Whillenholly: Fair enough.
Justice: If I go to prison will you wait for me?
Jay: Hmm, I don't know. Will you fuck me when you get out?
[Justice kisses him passionately]
Jay: Don't change the subject. Will you fuck me when you get out?
[Goes back to kissing Jay]
Whillenholly: And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.
Jay: Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.
Daphne: I think they passed out.
Fred: Great. What do we do with them now?
Shaggy: Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them to the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
Randal Graves: See? I told you that restraining order was a good idea.
Whillenholly: Why are you shooting at me? I'm just a Federal Wildlife Marshall.
Chrissy: Two reasons. One: we're walking, talking, bad girl cliches.
Missy: And two: because you're a man.
Whillenholly: Only on the outside.
Jay: If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday, we have...
[counting his fingers, holds up ten]
Jay: ...eight days.
Holden: Uh, three by my count, but close.
Jay: Right. My bad. Three days to stop that fucking movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!
[singing outside the Stop N Go]
Jay: I'm gonna finger-bang her tight little asshole / Finger-bang and tea-bag my balls / Where, where, in her mouth / Balls a-plenty in her mouth / Balls Balls Sweaty Balls
Steve Kmetko: Rumor is Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are working on a super secret project on the lot. Have you seen them roaming around?
Jules Asner: No, Steve. But I did see Casey Affleck buying a soda from a concession stand.
Jay: And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?
Brent: [getting into the van] Say, what's all this talk about farting?
[Chrissy breaks wind loudly in the diamond vault, causing the alarms to go off]
Chrissy: Holy Fuck! The little stoner was right!
Fred: [Jay and Silent Bob have hitched a ride with The Mystery Machine] Great now we solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are
Velma: I don't think they are masks
Daphne: And I don't think they're hitchhiking girls either
Velma: Ghouls you fuckin' moron. Not girls
Shaggy: The only real mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief
Fred: [Grabs Shaggy by the collar] Keep it up beatnik. I'll feed you to the fucking dog.
Daphne: [yells] I can't take all this fighting
Jay: Yo! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down.
[He pulls out a bag of marijuana joints]
Jay: We call 'em doobie snacks
Whillenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one and the only thing I see right now is a political fiasco that I'm about to avoid by letting this buttfuckin' Brady Bunch go!
[Jay and Silent Bob have eluded capture by pretending to be lovers and disguising the ape as their son]
Whillenholly: Well it isn't my way but I'll be damned if their doesn't go one happy family. Okay men let's shoot some tear gas into the diner and when they come out we'll... Fuck beans! That was them wasn't it?
Holden: This is a site populated by militant movie buffs: sad, pathetic little bastards living in their parents' basement downloading scripts and what they think is inside information about movies and actors they claim to despise yet can't stop discussing.
Jay: [to Silent Bob after being hit below the belt by Cocknocker] Whoaaa... avenge me... Hemp Knight.
Jay: Zoinks, yo.
Fred: Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. Pull of their masks and let's see who they really are!
Velma: I don't think they are masks.
Daphne: And I don't think that they're hitchhiking girls either.
Velma: GHOULS, you fuckin' moron, not girls! I wish they were hitchhiking girls- sexy hitchhiking girls.
Fred: Let's kick 'em out! We've got a mystery to solve!
Shaggy: The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief!
Fred: Keep it up, beatnik, I'll feed ya to the fuckin' dog!
Daphne: I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING!
Jay: YO! Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down, and I got just the thing for that... we call it... DOOBIE SNACKS!
Ben Affleck: [to Gus Van Sant] Where we taking it from, Gus? Gus?
Gus Van Sant: [counting his money] I'm busy.
Ben Affleck: You' re a true artist, Gus.
Holden: Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord when? WHENS GONNA BE MY TIME?"
Jay: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the hizzouse!
Jay: Hey. Get the fuck off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.
Whillenholly: I don't get out to the movies that much, but "Bluntman and Chronic" was blunt-tastic.
[Jay tries to talk his way out of a drug bust]
Jay: What? I've got a wiping problem. I just stick those little pieces up my brown-eye and bam! I get no stains in my undies. What you don't believe me? Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks, so he can see the fucking stink nuggets!
[trying to compose a bad protest song]
Brent: Hey Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...
Sheriff: The hell with this. Let's go back to the station house, and cornhole us a drunk.
Banky: Well, you're rich, you're in love
Banky: Well, *you're* in love. And you've both got your own monkey. What more could two guys from New Jersey want?
Jay: Well, to have all these fucks stop talking shit about us on the Internet.
Banky: What've I been telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Unless you show up at all their houses and beat the shit out of them.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] I said you LOVE the cock. I must be the craftiest motherfucker alive.
[contemplating whether to pull his dick out on Justice]
Devil Jay: [appears on his shoulder] What the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up, just reach in and pull your dick out. Girls like that shit.
[a second devil pops in on Jay's other shoulder]
Devil Jay 2: Right about here is where the angel is supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out. But we BITCH-slapped that mother fucker and sent him packing. So it's smooth sailing from here. Let 'er rip, boy.
Jay: [singing] I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealin' the monkey.
Jay: Stealin' the little monkey. Man, if I woulda known that, I would have been stealin' monkeys since I was like, seven and shit.
Chaka: I film this shit, I yell cut and then I get the fuck outta here back to my trailer, because I got more white girls in there than the first lifeboat of the Titanic, and they all want a part in my movie, and I got just the part for 'em!
Jay: You know, maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out we're mackin' some chick and shit, and she's, like, "Ooh, I want to suck youse guys' dicks off," and she's, like, "What your names?" And I'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob." Reco'nize. And she's like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that fuckin' youse guys are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead. Well, FUCK that.
Willam Black: [staring up at the Bluntman and Chronic marquee] That's beautiful, man.
Sheriff: [about Whillenholly] Fuck this asshole. Let's go back to the station house and cornhole us a drunk
Brent: [to Jay] Hey, watch the language, little boy. There's females present.
Whillenholly: [after Jay and Silent Bob struggle to escape through a sewer tunnel] Wow! That was an incredibly daring escape!
[takes his jacket off handing it to the Sheriff]
Whillenholly: Okay, here's the deal. You and your men stay up here, when I corner them, I'll call for back up. I'm counting on you, Sheriff.
Whillenholly: You've taught me so much.
Jay: So what can a smooth pimp daddy like myself do to help the animals?
Justice: Oh... you REALLY don't wanna help us.
Jay: The fuck you talkin' about? Sure, I do. I'd do anything for you.
[Justice smiles at him]
Jay: I mean youse guys, I'd do anything for youse guys, 'cause for the lift and shit.
Justice: Okay. Well, um, let me just talk to the other girls and get back to you.
Jay: Yeah, you do that. I'll be right here waitin'.
[he kisses Justice's hand romantically; she smiles and moves to the front of the van. Jay looks at Silent Bob and smirks, but Bob mockingly imitates Jay's move. Jay slaps his face]
Jay: Fuck you, fatty.
[while trying to get comfortable at an unfamiliar gas station]
Jay: Just isn't the same, is it?
[Silent Bob shakes his head]
Jay: This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop. Speakin' of lickin' balls, man, how 'bout that Justice chick? She is TOO fine! And she smells SO fuckin' pretty. She has a nice voice, too. And that body? Fuckin' smokin'! You know, she didn't tell me to fuck off once when I was talkin' to her, or pull out the fuckin' pepper spray or anything. You know, Lunchbox... she could be the one.