Kangaroo Jack (2003)
Charlie Carbone: [after kissing Jessie under the waterfall] Okay, I'll admit it. This is the most romantic moment of my entire life.
Louis Booker: [Runs over] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Does a cannonball into the water]
Charlie Carbone: And now it's over.
Louis Booker: The kangaroo got the money!
Charlie Carbone: What are you talking about?
Louis Booker: I put the money in the jacket, and the jacket on the kangaroo, and now he's hopping away!
Charlie Carbone: It's you.
Kangaroo Jack: Yeah, it's me. Love the jacket, Charlie. It's hard to get something that fits my shoulders. Nice! How did you know Red was my favorite color?
Charlie Carbone: [surprised] You can talk!
Kangaroo Jack: And I can sing.
[sings "Rapper's Delight"]
Charlie Carbone: This is great.
Kangaroo Jack: [singing from "Rapper's Delight"] /... see I am Jackie Legs and I like to say, "Hello" / To the black to the white...
Charlie Carbone: Jackie? Mr. Legs, if you would find your way clear to give me back my money?
Kangaroo Jack: Money? Oh, you mean that money
[a pack of kangaroo are messing around with the money]
Charlie Carbone: Stop that. Stop that! Hey! Stop that, please! If Sal finds out...
Sal Maggio: [as a kangaroo] If I find out what, Charlie? That you lost my money?
Charlie Carbone: Sal?
Sal Maggio: I've asked you to do something. This is not that!
Charlie Carbone: I never saw it. Such a beautiful animal. It's the national symbol of Australia. And I killed it.
Mr. Smith: Have you ever held a gun before, Charlie?
Louis Booker: Don't answer that!
Charlie Carbone: No...
Mr. Smith: Ever killed a man, Charlie?
Louis Booker: Don't answer that!
Charlie Carbone: No.
Mr. Smith: What do you do for a livin' that makes you so brave, Charlie?
Louis Booker: *Really* don't answer that!
Charlie Carbone: [cocks the gun] I'm a hairdresser!
Louis Booker: Don't worry, Charlie. We'll get the money back, all right? He can't go far.
Charlie Carbone: It's a continent, Louis. He can go *very* far.
Louis Booker: I know it's a continent. I read the book.
Charlie Carbone: Did you happen to read the chapter on not putting your jacket on a wild animal?
Louis Booker: No, but I did read the chapter on how an aborigine can kill a white man with a twig. Do you want to see that one?
[Louis keeps driving into termite mounds]
Charlie Carbone: Be careful, Louis! You almost missed one!
Charlie Carbone: I'm sorry for feeling your boobs I didn't think they were real.
Charlie Carbone: I just got my ass kicked by a marsupial.
Charlie Carbone: On that fateful day twenty years ago, Louis Booker saved my life and I never forgot it. He wouldn't let me.
Charlie Carbone: [sipping a rock he thinks is a slurpee] Brain freeze!
Charlie Carbone: My name is Carbone, which means skinny white boy with a gun
Frankie Lombardo: [Cocks gun; points it at Charlie] This is from Sal Maggio.
Charlie Carbone: Frankie! We got the money. We got it back!
[picks up the package]
Charlie Carbone: We got it!
Frankie Lombardo: You don't get it, do ya, Charlie? Sal not dissapointed because he cares about the money. He's disappointed because you two aren't dead! What do think he was paying Smith fifty grand for?
Louis Booker: You mean to tell me that traveled halfway across the world to pay for our own execution?
Frankie Lombardo: Yeah. You two were the bag men for your own hit. Pretty clever, eh?
Charlie Carbone: Not on our part.
Frankie Lombardo: Say, "Good Night."
Charlie Carbone: ...if Smith thinks we stole his money then by now Sal thinks we stole his money!
Louis Booker: Hey man, Sal's not gonna hurt us. He's married to your mother.
Charlie Carbone: [incredulously] If Sal Maggio thinks we stole his money, he'll kill us *in front* of my mother and then make *her* clean it up!
[trying to convince Charlie to find the kangaroo before Smith finds and kills then]
Louis Booker: Charlie! It's better than being cut up into little bitty pieces man!
Charlie Carbone: [looks back at Louis with an evil grin] Not if you go first and I get to watch!
[they are running away from the cops]
Louis Booker: They're scaring Waffles!
Charlie Carbone: Well, maybe you should have thought about that before taking your dog on a crime spree!
Charlie Carbone: I think I just sweated out a bottle of Yoo-hoo I drank in the eighth grade.
Kangaroo Jack: I can sing, I can dance, I can even do impersonations.
[imitating Dr. Evil]
Kangaroo Jack: Throw me a friggin' bone, here! I have a son! I shall call him... Mini Roo!
Louis Booker: Sal won't kill you. He's married to your mother.
Charlie Carbone: If Sal Maggio thinks I stole his money, he'll kill me in front of my mother and then make her clean it up.
Charlie Carbone: Look at her. She thinks she's so much smarter than us.
Louis Booker: I'm pretty sure she is, Charlie.
Charlie Carbone: [Inappropriately touching Jessie's boobs] Louis, they feel so real.
Louis Booker: Mm-hmm
[Charlie turns around; Jessie knocks him out with a canteen]
Louis Booker: [as a kangaroo] You know what, Sal? You were right about him. Chicken blood!
Sal Maggio: Smell it on his father. Smell it on him. Chicken blood.
Kangaroo Jack: Oy! Chicken blood!
[Sal watched his factory of stolen merchandise become raided by the NYPD on the news]
Sal Maggio: [disappointed] Louis Booker, you degenerate moron. Were these Medieval Times and you, a knight in shining armor, you would have, I have no doubt, slayed the maiden and saved the dragon.
[Waffles, Louis' puppy growls]
Louis Booker: Shh! Waffles!
Charlie Carbone: Sal, we can explain...
Sal Maggio: [cuts Charlie off] As for you, Charlie. After the tragic death of your father, I married your mother promising her I would raise you as my own. *You* chose not to take the Maggio name. I did not complain. And when you wanted to go to Beauty School, as boys who lose their fathers early in life often do, I did not snivel at interventions, did I?
Charlie Carbone: No, Salvatore, you didn't. In fact...
Sal Maggio: In fact, I happened to bought a beauty parlor so you could sit on you lazy butt all day long. $4.5 million you cost me. Were you anybody else, you be dead by now.
Charlie Carbone: Look, Sal, we know that your upset.
Sal Maggio: It's not your fault.
Charlie Carbone: What?
Sal Maggio: A lion can raise a mouse, but the mouse is still a mouse. And you, Charlie, are that mouse. Look at this. He takes it. Chicken blood.
Jessie: What's going on?
Charlie Carbone: We're in a little bit of trouble.
Jessie: A little?
Mr. Smith: I've been following camel tracks all bloody morning, so lets make short work of this. Where's me moolah?
Jessie: For god sakes! All this over $4,000?
[Charlie chuckles nervously]
Jessie: It's more, isn't it? How much more?
Charlie Carbone: Forty-six thousand more.
Mr. Smith: And every cent of it is mine. Now there are only two ways we can do this, and one of them's a lot less painful than the other. Whare's the money?
Louis Booker: See, what happened was we put the money in the jacket and then the jacket on the...
Mr. Smith: Wrong answer! Your friend told us the yarn about the kangaroo. Mate, I've hope for your sake you were stupid enough to hide that money in them saddle bags.
Charlie Carbone: You gotta believe us!
Mr. Smith: [Sticks a knife at Charlie's throat] No, you gotta believe me. If it ain't there, I'm gonna carve you up piece by piece.
Jessie: So it's safe to assume your not on vacation.
Louis Booker: No. Charlie's stepfather is a mobster back in New York, and he had us sent out here to deliver a package.
Jessie: Oh! And you got me in the middle of this?
Charlie Carbone: I am so sorry, Jessie. I never thought this would happen.
Jessie: And you lied to me.
Louis Booker: [Louis and Charlie are in an airplane restroom together and find out that the envelope is full of money] Check this out!
Charlie Carbone: Hey, you're not supposed to open this.
Louis Booker: Hey, man, that's like fifty grand in there.
Charlie Carbone: Oh my god! Something doesn't smell right here. Look at it!
Louis Booker: I know! I'm looking! I've never seen so much green in one little brown package.
Charlie Carbone: And now it's in my hands. Aw, it slipped out!
Louis Booker: Ohhh!
Charlie Carbone: Here, help me scoop it up.
Louis Booker: Oh, this is one big load.
Charlie Carbone: What a mess!
Louis Booker: Just want to roll around in it!
Charlie Carbone: Hand me the rest of the pile.
Louis Booker: Can I hold it?
Charlie Carbone: No! Dump it in the envelope!
Louis Booker: Maybe we should just flush it.
Charlie Carbone: We're not gonna flush it. I'm gonna put it in my pocket, leave this room, and take it to Australia.
Louis Booker: If you're gonna do that, give it here! Let me kiss it for good luck.
Charlie Carbone: You're not gonna kiss it. It's bad enough you touched it!
Louis Booker: Charlie, before you put it away, can I at least smell it?
Charlie Carbone: Maybe later.
Blue: G'day. The name's Blue.
Charlie Carbone: Charlie.
Blue: Heh heh. Nice to meet ya, Chezzar.
Charlie Carbone: Charlie.
Blue: That's what I said: Chezzar.
Louis Booker: [hugging Charlie] We're having a very intimate, non-gay moment.
Charlie Carbone: Uh-oh. Dingos.
Charlie Carbone: Hey that one kinda looks like Waffles.
Louis Booker: Yeah if Waffles had a crazed look in her eyes and her face caked in blood.
Charlie Carbone: Doesn't get any better than this, Louis. Blue skies. Fresh air. And who even now camels were in Australia? These are noble beasts, my friend. Proud, majestic...
[camel farts loudly]
Charlie Carbone: Oh, come on. Ohh! Ohh!
Jessie: Get used to it boys, camels do that.
Charlie Carbone: Louis, what are you eating?
Louis Booker: I picked a bunch of berries when were at camp, man. Jessie said they were cool. They smell like a bowl of Fruity Pebbles right before you add the milk. Go on. Take a whiff.
Charlie Carbone: No, thank you.
Louis Booker: Okay.
[camel farts again]
Charlie Carbone: Give me some of those berries. Quick.