Quotes

[from trailer]

Melanie Carmichael: Look at you, you have a baby... In a bar.

Earl Smooter: You can't ride two horses with one ass, sugarbean.

Melanie Carmichael: [of Bryant the dog] Can he swim?

Jake: Doesn't look like it.

Jake: The only reason I ain't signing is cause you've turned into some hoity-toity Yankee bitch, and I'd like nothing better right now than to piss you off.

Mayor Kate Hennings: Why don't you go back to your double-wide and fry something.

Melanie Carmichael: ["decks" Kate] Nobody talks to my Momma like that!

Earl Smooter: Praise the Lord, the South has risen again!

Melanie Carmichael: The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back.

Andrew: You married your *cousin*?

Bobby Ray: Well, aren't you just a big fat liar.

Mayor Kate Hennings: What ever happened to responsible journalism?

Lurlynn: You know he went up there?

Melanie Carmichael: Who? Jake?

Lurlynn: I'm not supposed to know but Clinton let it slip once.

Melanie Carmichael: When?

Lurlynn: About a year after you left. He told Clinton he'd never seen anything like it. He knew that it would take more than an apology to get you back. He'd have to conquer the world first. He's been trying ever since.

Melanie Carmichael: That's why he kept sending the papers back.

Jake: Honey, just cuz I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid.

Mayor Kate Hennings: [after Melanie tells Andrew that she still loves Jake at the wedding] I've never met anyone so manipulative, so deceitful, and I'm in politics.

Bobby Ray: Woo-oo. You look like sex on a stick in that Frederick Montana getup.

Jake: [seeing Andrew walking up to the Carmichael house where Bobby Ray is currently at] You, uh, you here to see Bobby Ray?

Bobby Ray: [Opening the door to see Jake and Andrew. Obviously thinks Andrew is attractive] What's going on, Jake?

Earl Smooter: Praise the Lord, the South has risen again.

Lurlynn: It's funny how things don't turn out...

Melanie Carmichael: ...It's funny how they do.

Melanie Carmichael: [on her cell phone] I can't. I'm in Alabama.

Tabatha Wadmore-Smith: [in New York] Oh... my God.

Melanie Carmichael: Bobby Ray, it's not like that.

Bobby Ray: No, I'll tell you what it's not like. It's not like Jake's the only one you run out on.

Melanie Carmichael: And don't even pretend like you missed me.

Jake: Oh, I missed you all right, but at this range, my aim is bound to improve.

Melanie Carmichael: [referring to Bobby Ray] Oh why don't you just go to a gay bar!

Eldon: [walks up and puts arm around Bobby Ray] Now, what would Bobby Ray do at a gay bar?

[realizes, takes arm away and backs up]

Pearl Smooter: Your daddy... Lord, but I was a fool for that man. I couldn't even put one foot in front of the other. I just kept thinking, "Oh, preacher, hurry up before he changes his mind!" Now that man makes me so crazy sometimes I could wring his neck!

Melanie Carmichael: You still love him, though.

Pearl Smooter: God knows I do. And only He knows why.

Melanie Carmichael: [gets up to leave] Jake, I can't do this.

Jake: [grabs her arm so she faces him] I know.

[they kiss]

Jake: [eventually pulling away] Go home, Mel.

Wade: [breaking up Melanie and Jake's kiss in the rain] What the hell are you two tryin' to do... get yourselves killed?

Melanie Carmichael: What seems to be the trouble, officer?

Wade: I'm here to bring you in, young lady!

Jake: What did she do this time?

Wade: Well, the way I hear it... seems she run out on a perfectly good cake!

Melanie Carmichael: Oh God honey, what if they hate me?

Andrew: No, they're critics Mel. They hate themselves.

Melanie Carmichael: Hi honey! Looking good! How's the family?

Jake: Cut the shit! Where's my stuff?

Melanie Carmichael: Now what kind of wife would I be if I didn't pick up after my husband?

Jake: The kind that don't live here! Now I'm gonna ask you one last time, where is the hide-a-key?

Melanie Carmichael: I had the sweetest talk with Wade's mama about her tractor.

Jake: Nice to see you got your accent back.

Melanie Carmichael: Oh, I stubbled across a few things today.

Jake: Holy shit, what happened to the stove? Oh and where are them little magnets I had over here huh? What the hell is this? Chick food?

Melanie Carmichael: Light beer. Less calories. I tried to pick out a new bed but have you been to the Sit and Sleep lately? Yuck. I suppose I'll just have to order something from New York.

Jake: Whatever blows your dress up darlin'. You go right ahead and spend your money.

Melanie Carmichael: Oh but darlin', I thought you said we should think of it as our money? Just a guess, but I'm thinking the words "joint checking" are flashing into your head right now?

Jake: How much did you take?

Melanie Carmichael: All of it!

Jake: Son of a bitch!

Bobby Ray: You know us Southerns. I mean, the minute the Confederacy died it became immortal.

[roughly chuckles]