Shallow Hal (2001)
[after Rosemary's weight crushed a chair]
Hal: Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with this chair? What's this shit made out of, anyway?
Restaurant Manager: Uhh... Steel.
[after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio]
Hal: Does she take the cake, or what?
Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.
Hal: So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?
Rosemary: [sarcastically] Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?
Hal: See, the problem is I'm kinda picky
Tony Robbins: What do you mean, picky?
Hal: Well, for instance, I like 'em real young. Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout?
Tony Robbins: You're looking for a young Paulina type?
Hal: Well, that face, but with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klums beams would do. And her teeth. Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers. But she's a tad muscular. Uh, actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grille. Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did "Grease 2". But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kinda like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean. Someone like that.
Tony Robbins: Hal, don't you think you're being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?
Hal: Well, no! You know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.
Tony Robbins: Ok Hal, hypothetical situation; Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?
Hal: Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining breast? Is it big?
Artie: It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it?
Hal: What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?
Jen: High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league.
Hal: What's that supposed to mean?
Artie: Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it. She's just saying you're not that good looking.
Hal: Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.
[after Mauricio broke Hal's spell]
Hal: Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?
Mauricio: [ponders] Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay... let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive.
Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.
Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw!
Mauricio: You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?
Tony Robbins: Inner beauty's the easiest thing in the world to see when you're looking for it... The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.
Tony Robbins: Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Mauricio: Have you heard the song "Who Let The Dogs Out"?
Rosemary: Is that a Member's Only jacket?
Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?
Mauricio: The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly.
Tony Robbins: Who says they're ugly?
Mauricio: Bausch & Lomb.
Mauricio: Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!
Mauricio: You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It's called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.
Rosemary: I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me; I thought he was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.
Hal: I bet on horses sometimes, but I don't really care about the money.
Rosemary: I never read that book.
Hal: What book?
Rosemary: Things losers say.
[Jill has just propositioned Hal]
Hal: You know, there are a few times in a guy's life - and I mean two or three, tops - when he comes to a crossroads, and he's gotta decide. If he goes one way, he can keep doing what he's been doing and be with any woman who'll have him. And if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman, maybe - maybe for the rest of his life. Now it seems that by taking the other road, he's missing out on a lot. But the truth is, he gets much more in return. He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?
Tony Robbins: You got a pattern of judging women by their exterior, we can't talk about it, we need to break it, I want you to ask yourself has there ever been a time where you have been increasingly shallow, you just looked at a woman and thought you were better then she was.
Hal: All the time.
[Tony Robbins puts his hands on Hal's head]
Tony Robbins: [yells] DEVILS COME OUT!
Hal: What the hell are you doing banana hands?
Tony Robbins: Just hang on, remember how I told you we just got to jolt your nervous system, not just talking about it, now I want you to relax, I won't do that again.
Hal: Ok, I didn't mean the banana hands thing.
Tony Robbins: That's ok.
[Mauricio has just seen Hal dancing with some unattractive women]
Mauricio: What in the name of all that is holy?
Mauricio: Uh Hal, it's 10:00, we gotta go.
Hal: [laughing] What are you talking about?
Mauricio: We gotta go do that thing, you know at the place.
Hal: What thing?
Mauricio: Sorry ladies, I gotta steal your dance partner here.
[Mauricio grabs Hal away from the three unattractive women on the dance floor]
Hal: What are you doing?
Mauricio: I am rescuing you.
Hal: From what?
Mauricio: From what? From a pack of stampeding buffalo, that's what!
[Hal is going to make his move on some unattractive girls]
Hal: I'm going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two.
Mauricio: So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?
Mauricio: That's why they call it a quip, not a slooooooow.
[Hal is sitting in bed and Rosemary tosses her panties at him. He picks them up and they are revealed to be extremely large]
Hal: What the - ? How did - ?
[Rosemary only smiles]
Hal: Get over here, Houdini!
Hal: Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?
Mauricio: Third Party Perspective!
Rosemary: Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.
Hal: Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?
Rosemary: Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice.
[Walt puts on a pair of rubber gloves]
Nurse Tanya Peeler: What are those for?
Walt: You ever walked through a truck-stop men's room on your hands?
Walt: Don't you read the business section?
Hal: Why, what's up?
Walt: I just sold my company to Microsoft!
Hal: Yeah, you cleaned up?
Walt: Let's just say if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.
Mauricio: Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.