Saturday Night Live: The Best of Steve Martin (1998 TV Special)
Steve Martin: Live from New York...line! ...It's Saturday Night!!
David Spade: [on Steve Martin] Steve Martin. What about Leap of Faith? I was going to go see it but I was sick that day.
[Steve Martin enters. Spade does not notice]
David Spade: He has blonde hair in it. Am I supposed to buy that? His hair has been grey since 1974. He's probably turned into one of those guys that doesn't wear a tie now. 'Hey, I'm Matt Dillon'.
[Steve Martin taps him on shoulder]
David Spade: Not now, Kevin, I'm going here.
[Notices it isn't Kevin Nealon that's grasping him]
Steve Martin: Thanks for the tip, Kevin.
Steve Martin: You wanna go now? David Spade; Yes, sir.
Steve Martin: [on David Spade] Hi there. I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers. It's called your Last Hollywood Minute. Deal with it!
Chris Farley: So, um, you remember when Bill Murray came, when you were the medieval barber and he came with his legs broken from being dragged by the ox cart after having too much mead?
Steve Martin: Yeah what about it?
Chris Farley: Um, that was awesome.
Steve Martin: That was a long time ago.
Chris Farley: Mr. Martin, before I go, I was wondering, I found this in wardrobe and I was wondering if you could sign it.
Steve Martin: My old King Tut costume! I remember this. This was back when the show meant something.
Chris Farley: [singing] Not gonna get liquored up tonight, not gonna have a drink tonight! I'm not gonna drink, 'til Update is through. That's a promise to you, the viewer. After the show, I'll drink 'til I spew. But for now I'm clear headed for yoooooooou.
Phil Hartman: [singing] I hide behind these wigs and this make-up, but tonight I'm gonna let myself shine through. Yes they're going to see the real Phil Hartman tonight!
Steve Martin: I wouldn't do that, Phil.
Phil Hartman: Okay.
Theodoric of York: Well, I'll do everything humanly possible. But unfortunatly, we barbers are not Gods. You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we're learning all the time. Why just 50 years ago we would've thought your daughter's illness was caused by demonic posession or witch craft. But now adays, we know that Isabelle is suffering from an inbalance of bodily humors. Perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach.
Theodoric of York: Perhaps she is right. Perhaps I've been wrong to blindly follow the traditions and superstitions of the past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test those assumptions analytically. To experimentation and scientific method. Perhaps this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning. Like natural sciences, art, arcitecture, navigation, perhaps I could lead the way to a new age. An age of rebirth. A Renissance.! Nah.
Bob: Hello and welcome to Common Knowledge. I am your host, Bob Alberts. Let's begin. We'll start with Jean Kirkpatrick, what catagory do you choose?
Jean Kirkpatrick: I've been a professor of history so I've decided to make it interesting. I'll take Literature.
Bob: Okay, Literature for 100. Let's see what the question is, Author of Grapes of Wrath.
Jean Kirkpatrick: John Steinbeck.
Bob: No, I'm sorry that's not right. The answer is Ernest Hemingway.
Bob: Les, you wanna stick with Literature?
Les Shermire: No I'll take State Capitals.
Bob: Okay, State Capitals for 100. Oklahoma state.
Les Shermire: Oklahoma City.
Bob: Correct. Let's keep going, New York state.
Les Shermire: New York City.
Bob: Correct. Let's go again, New Jersey.
Les Shermire: Jersey City.
Bob: Yes! You're on a roll. Let's go again, Virginia.
Les Shermire: Virginia City.
Bob: Yes!! And last one, Washington.
Les Shermire: Washington D.C.
Bob: Correct! You swept through that catagory.
Les Shermire: Let's go to Literature.
Bob: Okay. Author of A Christmas Carol.
Les Shermire: Ebenezer Scrooge.
Bob: Correct. Literature for 300, Author of Huckleberry Finn.
Les Shermire: Tom Sawyer.
Bob: No, sorry, the answer is Ernest Hemingway. And now let's take a minute to explain the rules of Common Knowledge. Questions for our show are selected by educators from Princeton University to reflect the broad range of common knowledge that every American should posess. Answers for Common Knowledge are determined by a nation wide survey of 17 year old high school seniors.
Jean Kirkpatrick: History!
Bob: Alright. History for 100. His assassination sparked World War I.
Jean Kirkpatrick: Archduke Ferdinand.
Bob: Wrong. Sorry. The answer is Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln. Les?
Les Shermire: I'll stick with History for 200.
Bob: History for 200. The Louisiana Purchase was obtained from this country.
Les Shermire: Louisiana.
Bob: Correct! Now, History for 300, when he discovered America, Christopher Columbus thought he landed in...?
Les Shermire: Colombia.
Bob: Wrong. Sorry, the answer was America.
Jean Kirkpatrick: I'll take History for 400.
Bob: Okay, First man to land on the moon.
Jean Kirkpatrick: Neil Arm...John Glenn!
Bob: Correct! You're on the board now.
Jean Kirkpatrick: Okay, History for 500.
Bob: Okay. Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of...
Jean Kirkpatrick: Gettysberg.
Bob: No, sorry, the answer is Jerryco! The Battle of Jerryco.
[On the game show Common Knowledge]
Bob: Now it's time for our lightening round. Let's bring out the 17 year olds! Jean, you're playing with Miles Hoffner a senior from Troy, New York. Miles, has your high school education given you the tools you need to go out into the real world?
Miles Hoffner: Um...Well, I...ya know...I mean, yeah. Sure, I guess so.
Bob: Terrific answer, and Les, you're playing with Tracey Tollison, a senior from Rockford, Illinois. Tracey, you were supposed to be on the show yesterday but there was some sort of mix-up of some kind?
Tracey Tollison: I got on the wrong plane.
Bob: Les, you picked Presidents. Are you and Tracey ready?
Les Shermire, Tracey Tollison: Yes.
Bob: Okay, go!
Tracey Tollison: Okay, The British are coming!
Les Shermire: Grant!
Tracey Tollison: Right. Dennis the Menace!
Les Shermire: President Mitchell.
Tracey Tollison: No, his neighbor!
Les Shermire: Woodrow Wilson!
Bob: OKay, tag team! Switch!
Les Shermire: Chibby canoe!
Tracey Tollison: Nixon!
Les Shermire: Pass. Pass. Sex!
Tracey Tollison: President Hart.
Les Shermire: Marilyn Monroe!
Tracey Tollison: Kennedy!
Bob: Very good.
Bob: Jean, you picked the catagory of Historical Dates. Are you ready Jean and Miles?
Miles Hoffner: Okay, um, Civil War!
Jean Kirkpatrick: 1861.
Miles Hoffner: No, the Civil War!
Jean Kirkpatrick: 1861 to 1865!
Miles Hoffner: Pass! Um, Pilgrims!
Jean Kirkpatrick: 1620!
Miles Hoffner: Thanksgiving!!
Jean Kirkpatrick: 1621!
Miles Hoffner: Pass! Um, uh, Gold Rush!
Jean Kirkpatrick: 1849!
Miles Hoffner: GOLD Rush!
Jean Kirkpatrick: 1914! 1492! 1945!
Miles Hoffner: Pass!
Bob: Tag team! Switch!
Jean Kirkpatrick: Congress of Vienna!
Miles Hoffner: 1962!
Jean Kirkpatrick: Pass! Um, Bolschivic Revolution!
Miles Hoffner: 1776!
Jean Kirkpatrick: Pass. Okay, Pilgrims land!
Miles Hoffner: 1861.
Jean Kirkpatrick: The Battle of Obstowich.
Miles Hoffner: 1492!
Jean Kirkpatrick: The Korean War!!
Miles Hoffner: 1917!
Bob: [Time up] Oh, sorry, Jean, you only got one right.
Jean Kirkpatrick: [Out of patience] Can I say something please? This program is an outrage! This program doesn't do justice to the educational system which holds the fragile civilization together!
Bob: Oh well sorry Jean! Les is still our champion but you'll be going home with a $400 and a year's subscription to TV Guide. TV Guide, the most widely read publication in the world.
Jean Kirkpatrick: In the United States!
Bob: Oh whatever you say! Anyway that's Common Knowledge and remember, it's not what you know, it's what you think you know. Good night everybody.
Steve Martin: Hi. I'm Steve Martin. With so many celebrities endorsing cosmetics these days, I wanted to make sure the cosmetic I endorsed was very special. That is why I am proud to put my name on Steve Martin's All Natural Penis Beauty Cream. New formula. Try my new beauty cream and in a matter of weeks, your penis will be looking smoother and softer the way women like it. Because of the new formula, no more scaling. Here's how it works, just take a small ammount and rub gently on the penis for several minutes up to a half hour. You'll notice a diffrence right away. And don't worry, a slight discoloration is normal. Bob, tell us, how does my Steve Martin's All Natural Penis Beauty Cream New Formula helped you?
Bob: Steve, I'm in Real Estate. And if I'm not confident, I can't do my job. So if I'm thinking about my apearence, I'm not thinking about selling houses. The day I started using Steve's cream I sold three houses, now I have more energy than before. My confidence is sky high, I just got my pilot's license and next week I'm flying solo from L.A. to Tahoe with nothing on board but two bottles of your cream. But what's great, Steve, is that I can now throw away all those cans of turtle wax.
Steve Martin: My next guest started using my cream by accident. Isn't that right, Dave?
Dave: That's right, Steve. I thought it was for something else. Now I found that I have a lovelier, more luxurious penis than I ever had with other beauty creams. Probably because it's the first beauty lotion especially made for the johnson. I'll tell you, if I could afford it, I'd use your cream 24 hours a day. Unfortunatly, my wife recently left me, but before she did, she said, I hop you and your Steve Martin's Beauty Cream will be very happy!
Steve Martin: Yes well thank you, Dave. Steve Martin's All Natural Penis Beauty Cream New Formula. You know it's safe. Why? Because it's tested on animals. And if you order by mail, don't worry, it's shipped in a normal brown rapper with the words NOT PENIS CREAM stamped all over it in big red letters. So pick up a jar today and remember, it's the only cream with a picture of my penis on it.