Saturday Night Live: The Best of Dana Carvey (1999 TV Special)
Massive Head-Wound Harry: He must smell my dog.
Ross Perot: Now is this the way we're gonna play the game here? Are you guys gonna keep asking these assinine questions until you see some dirty pictures is that what you want? Is that what you require? Now imagine if you will, that you were a father, now imagine the nausea you'd feel seeing a picture of your daughter on the eve of her wedding, your own flesh and blood altered in this sick fashion. Take a look.
[Holds up photo of his daughter and Madonna kissing]
Ross Perot: Are you happy? This is a picture generated by the Republican's dirty tricks team. Using a computer paid for by Pac money, now this is a perfectly lovely picture of my daughter and they've cut her fiancee out and put Madonna in there to make her look like a lesbian. Are you happy now? Any more questions? Yes.
Reporter: How do we know this picture came from a Republican dirty tricks team and not from your own organization?
Ross Perot: Now didn't I just tell you where the picture came from? Have you seen the picture? Did I just start speaking Portuguese up here and not know it?
Ross Perot: Two years ago, and I have not revealed this until now for reasons I will not go into, two years ago in the middle of the night at my house in Dallas, I was awaken by a disturbance outside on my lawn so I went outside and engaged in hand to hand combat with four men and a small dog. I took the four men out and was about to tie up the dog when it looked up at me and said, "aren't you Ross Perot?" Now I nearly dropped a load, that dog spoke perfect English now listen carefully, now who is the world leader in talking dogs? It's the Republican party. I rest my case.
Reporter: Aren't you going to say: Live form New York, it's Saturday Night?
Ross Perot: I don't wanna discuss what I may or may not say, you are not listening!
Reporter: But how are we going to start the show if you don't say it?
Ross Perot: Is that the way the game is played? You can't start the show without saying that? You can't just say: "Here's the funny show, enjoy!" You can't do that? Okay, fine, fine. Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
John McLaughlin: There is intelligent life in the eleventh galaxy on the planet Neptor which will conquor earth in the year 5482, utilizing us for slave labor in the Seronian salt mines.
George Michael: And I ask you, where was my butt? One full minute and not one shot of my butt! You saw it, I bloody wanted to kill the editor. It was shot of boot, then shot belt, bull fighter, hair, crowd, face, hat, bull, boot, hair. And I told them specifically that it was supposed to be butt shot, shot of the hair, back to the butt, hand, butt, hand, butt, hand, butt, belt, butt, beard, butt, belt, butt, earring, face, butt, butt, earring, hold on the butt, hold on the butt, it's a formula but it bloody works!
Tom Brokal: Gerald Ford dead today at the age of 83.
Producer: Good, now one for next year.
Tom Brokal: Gerald Ford dead today at age 84.
Producer: Now one for if he's shot.
Tom Brokal: Gerald Ford shot dead today at age 83.
Producer: Add the word senseless.
Tom Brokal: Okay, Gerald Ford shot dead at the senseless age of 83.
Former President George Bush: Hi. I was your president from 1989 to 1993, and during that time, Saturday Night Live made fun of me on a fairly regular basis. Do I have any hard feelings about this? Yes I do. I'll have my revenge when the time is right. Not now. Wouldn't be prudent at this junction.
Tom Brokal: Stunning news from Yorbalinda today as Richard Nixon's corpse climbed out of his grave and strangled Gerald Ford to death.
Dennis Miller: Here with a commentary is a grumpy old man. Welcome Grumpy Old Man.
Grumpy Old Man: I'm old and I'm not happy. Everything today is improved and I don't like it. I hate it! In my day we didn't have hair dryers. If you wanted to blow dry your hair you stood outside during a hurricane. Your hair was dry but you had a sharp piece of wood driven clear through your skull and that's the way it was and you liked it! You loved it. Whoopee, I'm a human head-kabob. We didn't have Manoxidol and Hair Wings, in my day if your hair started falling out when you were 16 by 19 you were a bald freak. There was nothing you could do about it. Children would spit at you and nobody would mate with you so you couldn't pass on your disgusting baldness genes. You were a public menace, a crome dome by age 20 and that's the way it was and we liked it! We loved it. Hallelujiah look at me, I'm a bald freak oh happy day! Not like today, everybody feeling good about themselves. I hate it! In my day we didn't have these thin laytex condoms. So you could enjoy sexual pleasure. In my day there was only one kind of condom. You took a rabbit skin and wrapped around your privates and tied it off with a bungee cord and you couldn't feel nothing! And half the time you didn't even know your partner was there. And we used the same one over and over again! 'Cause we were ignorant morons! Just a bunch of hairless, head-kabobs standing around with rabbit skins on our dinks and that's the way we liked it!
Grumpy Old Man: In my day, we didn't have video-games! We just sat around and watched a potata' bake!