House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
Otis: It's all true. The bogeyman is real and you found him.
[From the DVD menu select screen]
Captain Spaulding: Well, shit the bed! Howdy folks, come on in! Well, I can see by those fancy britches and sassy hairdos that you all ain't from around here. So, where ya from?
[holds hand to ear]
Captain Spaulding: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Ah, I see. All ya all's must be mutes, cause ya wouldn't be fuckin' with me, now would ya?
Captain Spaulding: Let me ask you something. How come you're asking me so many jackassy questions?
Bill Hudley: My friends and I are on a road trip. We're driving across country and writing a book on off-beat roadside attractions. You know, the crazy shit you see when you're driving across the country.
Captain Spaulding: I don't drive cross country.
Bill Hudley: But if you did...
Captain Spaulding: But I don't.
Bill Hudley: Yeah, but supposing for a second you did.
Captain Spaulding: [laughs] You little dickens, you. I know what your problem is.
Bill Hudley: What's that?
Captain Spaulding: [getting angry] Ya'll think us folk from the country's real funny-like, dontcha?
Bill Hudley: Jerry...
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, well saddle up the mule, Ma! Slide me some grits! I's got to get me some edu-cation, uh hu hu hu.
Bill Hudley: Jerry...
Captain Spaulding: You asshole!
Lt. George Wydell: [holds a photo of Denise] Have you seen this girl in the past 24 hours?
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, cute kid. Ain't my type though. You know, I like 'em with a little more meat on 'em. Ha ha. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.
Deputy Steve Naish: Come on clownie, just answer the damn questions. We ain't interested in your love life.
Lt. George Wydell: Cut the crap Spaulding and get with the facts.
Mary Knowles: [sees Baby on Bill's lap] Get off him!
[Baby doesn't budge]
Mary Knowles: I said get the fuck off him you stupid fucking whore! Fucking slut!
[Mary pushes Baby to the ground]
Baby: Oh, you shouldn't have done that!
Mary Knowles: Oh, really? Are you gonna do something about it?
Baby: I'll do something, motherfucker.
[pulls out a knife]
Baby: I'll fucking cut your tits off and shove 'em down your throat!
Otis: Huntin' humans ain't nothin' but nothin'. They all run like scared little rabbits. Run, rabbit, run. Run, rabbit. Run, rabbit. Run rabbit. Run, rabbit, run! RUN, RABBIT, RUN!
[after stabbing a victim to death]
Baby: 'Shoo, shoo,' said the maiden.
Baby: 'Come, maiden,' said the rabbit, 'sit on my tail and go with me to my rabbit hutch.'
Killer Karl: That is it! I'm gonna count to ten and you're gonna hand over all the cash, or I'm gonna splatter your grease paint mug across the state line! One...
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo mama!
Killer Karl: Two...
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo sister!
Killer Karl: Three...
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo grandma!
Otis: [ranting to tied up cheerleaders] "Why", you ask? "Why" is not the question. How? Now, that is a question worth examining. How could I, being born of such, uh... conventional stock, arrive a leader of the rebellion? An escapist from a conformist world, destined to find happiness only in that which cannot be explained? I brought you here for a reason, but unfortunately you and your sentimental minds are doing me no good! My brain is frozen. Locked! I have to break free from this culture of mechanical reproductions and the thick encrustations dying on the surface!
[sees the girls aren't understanding]
Otis: Oh, Christ. Fuck it!
Otis: Shut your mouth!
Otis: I said, shut your fucking mouth!
Otis: Listen, you Malibu middle class Barbie piece of shit, I'm tryin' to work here. Work? You ever work? Yeah, I'll bet you have. Scoopin' ice cream to your shit-heel friends on summer break. Well I ain't talkin' about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. I ain't readin' no funny books, mama. Our bodies come and go but this blood... is forever.
Otis: Boy, I bet you'd stick your head in fire if I told ya you could see Hell. Meanwhile, you're too stupid to realize you got a demon stickin' out your ass singing, "Holy Miss Moley,
[Whole family joins in]
Otis: Got me a live one."
Captain Spaulding: [after shooting Killer Karl] Goddamn, motherfucker got blood all over my best clown suit.
Mary Knowles: Why are you doing this?
Otis: Doing what? Messy up your day?
Mary Knowles: Where's Bill? Where's Bill?
Mary Knowles: Is he okay?
Otis: He's a good guy. Oh, he's been a great help to me! A real blessin'. I mean, I couldn't have asked for a better speciman. You don't know what kind of dry spell I've had here. Total block, total block! But Bill... he's okay.
Mary Knowles: Where is he? Where is he? Can I see him? Can I see Bill, please?
Otis: Let's go see. Behold... Fishboy!
[Otis pulls back a curtain to reveal Bill's mutliated corpse]
Mary Knowles: Oh my god! Oh my god, Bill! No, no, this can't be real. This can't be real, this can't be real, this can't be real.
Otis: Oh, it's real. As real as I want it to be, mama.
[Otis kisses Mary]
Mary Knowles: Fuck you, you fucking freak!
Otis: I'm the one who brings the Christmas candy. Now tell me, who's your daddy? I'm the one who brings the devil's brandy.
Mother: Who's your daddy?
Otis: I'm the one who beats you when you're bad.
Baby: Who's your daddy?
Mother: Who's your daddy?
Otis: [walking to Denise, while wearing her father's skin] Come on, sweetie. Give the old man some sugar.
Denise Willis: Daddy, Daddy.
Otis: [taking off his robe] And I'm the one who loves ya when you're fucking dead!
Otis: Hey, happy boy, step your ass up here.
Baby: Take his gag out. It's more fun with the screaming.
Mother: I like that too. That screaming is much more exciting that way.
[They remove Jerry's gag]
Jerry Goldsmith: Please don't kill us, please don't kill us.
Baby: [imitating Jerry] Please don't kill us... nah... please don't kill us.
Otis: Shut your mouth and get your shit in the box. Get in now.
Mother: Wait, wait, wait... I wanna say goodbye.
[Mama Firefly grabs Jerry by the collar and gives him a big kiss]
Mother: Goodbye, sweetie. We could've been great.
Otis: Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?
Jerry Goldsmith: Just let us go, I swear to God we won't tell anyone. I swear...
Mother: Honey, you know I can't do that.
Otis: Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?
Rufus 'R.J.' Firefly Jr.: Get your fucking ass up, boy.
Otis: Come on, we ain't got all night.
[Rufus grabs Jerry and body slams him into the coffin while Mary breaks free and runs off]
Otis: Where does she think she's gonna run to? She gonna run all the way home?
Baby: No, let me get her.
Otis: All right, go get her.
Stucky: [shows a topless autographed photo of June Wilkinson] Shit, I can't do nothing with this now. I can't get rid of this. It ain't worth nothing. My name's all over it. I was gonna fix it to trade it with Jackie Cobb.
Captain Spaulding: That retard who hangs out at Molly's fruit stand? For the lot of me, I do not understand why you hang out with that asshole.
Stucky: He's one horney retard.
Captain Spaulding: Well hell, arn't they all? All they want to do is eat and fuck.
Stucky: Well, if you knew him better you might understand his urges.
Captain Spaulding: Worse than a rabid-ass baboon.
Stucky: You know what his favorite thing is next to whacking his weasel? He takes a sharpened pencil, sticks it in his eyeball and twists it.
Captain Spaulding: What?
Stucky: He doesn't hurt himself. He kind of twists it next to his eyeball.
Captain Spaulding: Oh, he's been putting that pencil someplace other than his eyeball.
Stucky: Oh no, he don't do anything like that. Although one time, he got caught with a Planet of the Apes doll stuck up his asshole.
Captain Spaulding: [laughing] God damn!
Stucky: They had to take him to the hospital. The kid had Dr. Zaius stuck halfway up his butt and they couldn't get it out!
Lt. George Wydell: What did you see? Who was she with? Where was she going?
Captain Spaulding: I don't know. Yeah, that girl was in here last night. She was with three other stupid kids. They was nosing around... asking a bunch of stupid questions.
Deputy Steve Naish: Questions about what?
Captain Spaulding: I don't know. This and that. Mostly a bunch of tired Dr. Satan bullshit.
Captain Spaulding: Look, they caught a gander at the display in the back and they figured they'd run out and solve the great big Deadwood mystery about Dr. Satan.
Lt. George Wydell: And how'd they get that idea?
Captain Spaulding: I wrote 'em a map... out to the old farm road that runs past the Hanging Tree. I figured, what the hell? Can't do no harm. Besides, it's good for my tourist trade. Ha, ha!
Deputy Steve Naish: You can shit ten bricks for all I care.
Captain Spaulding: You miserable motherfucker, I ought to leap over this counter and bash your fuckin' balls in!
Killer Karl: All right, Tippy! Hand over the cash box, and I might leave your brains inside your skull!
Captain Spaulding: Well, I'll tell you what, Ski King. Why don't you just take your Mama home some chicken and then I won't have to stuff my boot all up in your ass!
Killer Karl: I don't like chicken! And I hate clowns!
Stucky: Hey, I know you. You work down at the hardware store. Richard Wick right? All the guys make fun out of you. They call you 'Little Dick Wick.' They even sing a song about you.
Richard Wick: Shut your trap.
Stucky: [sing-song] 'Little Dick Wick, played with his prick, don't his smell just make you sick?'
Baby: Give me a "B", give me an "A", give me a "B" give me a "Y", What's that spell? What's that spell? WHAT'S THAT SPELL?
Jerry Goldsmith: That was so badass! Dr. Satan! Ahhh! Dr. Satan!
[two masked holdup men break into Captain Spaudling's place to rob it]
Captain Spaulding: Mary fuckin' Moses! Ya' all get the fuck outa here!
Killer Karl: Hands up! Keep your paws where I can see 'em.
Richard Wick: [stuttering] Yeah... d-don't move or I'll b-blast a hole the size of a k-Kansas City watermelon through... your ugly-ass b-bozo face!
Captain Spaulding: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Grandpa Hugo: What are you, Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter for the Daily Asshole?
Otis: Better you leave here with your head still full of kitty cats and puppy dogs.
Dr. Wolfenstein: AHHAHHA! The doctor is in! Its your ghost host, with the most! It's Dr. Wolfenstein!
Captain Spaulding: Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well then, come on down to Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Mad-Men. See the Alligator Boy, ride my famous Murder Ride. Most of all, don't forget to take home some of my tasty fried chicken! Ha ha! It just tastes so damn good!
Baby: There once was a woman who lived with her daughter in a cabbage garden; along came a rabbit and ate up all the cabbages; the woman said, "Go into the garden and drive out the rabbit."
Baby: You know we like to get fucked up?
Gerry Ober: Yeah, I like to get fucked up too!
Baby: Yeah, I'll bet you do.
Mother: My baby boy gets shy around new people, but he'll warm up to you, especially the girls!
Mother: He's a real lady KILLER!
Skunk Ape Husband: I don't know where that Skunk Ape sleeps, but I do know that he had impure relations with my wife.
Skunk Ape Wife: That is true, he committed lewd acts upon me and my person.
Skunk Ape Husband: When I find him, I'm gonna kill that Skunk Ape!
Deputy Steve Naish: What else happened?
Captain Spaulding: [getting angry and agitated] Nothin'. You ask me, those stupid ass kids probably got turned around ass backwards and got themselves lost.
Lt. George Wydell: Is that all? Now, I want you to think really hard.
[Spaulding scratches his head with his forefinger, mocking "thinking hard"]
Captain Spaulding: Well, I don't ridley know. You see, they wasn't in here long enough for me to get up close and personal with 'em like I do with most of the other assholes that come wondering in here!
Mother: Otis! There's cops outside!
Grandpa Hugo: What? How many?
Otis: Oh, don't worry about it! How many were there?
Mother: I only saw one.
Otis: Fucking pigs always come in packs. Here take this go down stairs and play nice, I'll go around back and take control like I always fuckin' do!
[Grandpa Hugo flips Otis off]
Rufus 'R.J.' Firefly Jr.: [chanting with family] Otis! Otis! Otis!
Baby: So, how much we owe you, Goober?
Gerry Ober: Oh, that's supposed to be G. Ober, for Gerry Ober, but Karl went and put an extra "o" made it Goober. Fucking asshole.
Baby: Great story, Goober. How much we owe you?
Gerry Ober: Well, the damage is pretty severe... $185.
Baby: That ain't gonna break my bank, hon. Here, keep the change. Go buy yourself a new name... Goober!
Deputy Steve Naish: [about Mr. Willis] You sure this fella's supossed to ride with us in this car?
Lt. George Wydell: Mmmm-hmm.
Deputy Steve Naish: [shakes head] This just don't seem right to me.
Lt. George Wydell: Well listen, it ain't up to us. Chief said to pick him up and take him with us.
Lt. George Wydell: The guy's an ex-cop and figures he can be a help some.
Deputy Steve Naish: I just hope he don't get in my way's all I'm sayin' all right?
Deputy Steve Naish: Chief if you ask me I'd say these kids got a cold six and are out getting shitfaced right now
Lt. George Wydell: Boy, I sure hope you're right. My guts are telling me different.
Deputy Steve Naish: You're spidey senses tinglin?
Lt. George Wydell: [nodding head as he says it] Mmm-hmm... yeah.
[realizing what Nash said]
Lt. George Wydell: WHAT?
Deputy Steve Naish: You know Georgie... Like in the marvel comics...
Lt. George Wydell: [getting irritated] How old do you think I am boy? I know Spiderman! Just get to your point!
Deputy Steve Naish: You know like when he was fighting people like that damn... what the hell was his name?
Deputy Steve Naish: aww shit. I cant remember.
Lt. George Wydell: I myself always favored for the hulk.
Deputy Steve Naish: The hulk was dumb as shit!
Lt. George Wydell: Ahh fuck! Damn!
Deputy Steve Naish: What?
Lt. George Wydell: [sarcastic] Nothing.
Baby: Whatever you need to do, you do it. There is no wrong. If someone needs to be killed, you kill 'em. That's the way.
Announcer: Attention boils and ghouls, it's time for Dr. Wolfenstein's Creature Feature Show.
Dr. Wolfenstein: Ah! The doctor is in! Don't scream, don't move. Stay tuned for channel 68's Halloween Eve movie marathon! I'm your host, your ghost ghost, with the most, Dr. Wolfenstein! I will be with you until the end!
Captain Spaulding: Sweet baby Jesus, girl. What the hell happened to you?
Denise Willis: [mumbling] I got away.
Captain Spaulding: You... hey, I recognize you. Oh, there's a whole bunch of people been looking for your ass, girl.
Denise Willis: I gotta get to a doctor.
Captain Spaulding: All right, all right. Just sit back and relax. I'll get you to a doctor.
[Denise rests her head on the seat]
Captain Spaulding: That's it. I'll get you there.
Baby: These are all my dolls. I used to like to chop their heads off and their arms and stick 'em up on the wall.
Baby: You gotta have the marshmallows, that's what makes it fun.
Baby: Hey wanna play a guessing game? Guess what number i'm thinking of.
Jerry Goldsmith: Eat shit and die.
[Baby starts cutting Jerry's hair with the scissors]
Jerry Goldsmith: No wait please come on stop it! What do you want? What do you want from me? What do you want from us?
Baby: Please be quiet I don't wanna slip. Ok one more. You get this right, i'll let ya go. If you get it wrong you are fucked! Ok, whose my favourite movie star?
Jerry Goldsmith: I don't know... M... Marilyn Monroe!
Baby: Hmmm... no Betty Davis! Sorry you lose!
[Baby scalps Jerry]
Gerry Ober: Let me take a guess here, y'all are having a Halloween party tonight huh?
Baby: Now what makes you think that big boy?
Gerry Ober: Well you sure are buying a whole mess of holy water for two people.
Baby: Yeah we like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit, you know what I mean?
Gerry Ober: Yeah I like to get fucked up to and do some fucked up shit.
Baby: Yeah I bet you do.
Otis: Oh it's real, as real as I want it to be mama
Captain Spaulding: [written in Cap. Spaulding's t-shirt] "If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart."