Ira Kane: If I was a giant nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be?
Harry Block: Lingerie.
Ira Kane: Not you, the bird.
Harry Block: Lingerie.
[Dr. Paulson is going to pull the alien bug out through Harry's rectum]
Nurse Tate: I'll get the lubricant...
Dr. Paulson: There's no time for lubricant!
Harry Block: There's ALWAYS time for lubricant!
Wayne Grey: [trying to get the alien's attention with an open mike] Ca-Caw! Ca-Caw! Ca-Caw! Ah Ah Ee Ee Tookie Tookie! Tookie Tookie! Ca-Caw Ca-ca-caw-ca-caw-caw-caw! Ca-ca-caw!
Harry Block: Wayne, I think we've established that "Ca-Caw Ca-Caw" and "Tookie Tookie" don't work.
Wayne Grey: Right. Sorry.
Harry Block: Alright, so what do you say Ira? Pack it in?
Wayne Grey: [starts singing into the mike] You are so beautiful, to me...
Ira Kane: Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him.
Harry Block: No, stand down. I'm gonna kill this one myself.
Wayne Grey: Give me a chance, I'm communicating here.
Wayne Grey: You are so beautiful, to me...
Harry Block: Wayne, would you please stop, because you are embarrassing me.
Wayne Grey: [Wayne starts singing louder and directly to Harry] Can't you see. You're everyth...
[the creature reacts]
Wayne Grey: [singing] You're everything that I hope for.
[the creature reacts again]
Ira Kane: It's working!
Harry Block: [to Wayne] Yeah. Sing! Sing! Rub some funk on it!
[an alien bug is crawling inside Block's leg]
Dr. Allison Reed: What are you gonna do?
Dr. Paulson: We might have to amputate.
Harry Block: Whoa, Doc! Don't take the leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg.
Ira Kane: Isn't there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.
Nurse Tate: Doctor, look!
Dr. Paulson: It's headed for his testicles.
Harry Block: Take it! Take it! Take the leg!
Ira Kane: Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College.
Harry Block: Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.
Wayne Grey: Wayne Grey. I took some chemistry in high school.
[after an alien bug crawls into his body]
Harry Block: For the love of everything good and holy, get this goddamn thing out of me!
[Harry has just had an alien removed rectally]
Dr. Allison Reed: It's over, it's over. You did great! Do you need anything? Can we get you anything?
Harry Block: Ice cream... I'd like an ice cream please.
Dr. Allison Reed: Okay, what flavor?
Harry Block: It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.
Dr. Allison Reed: There's something I feel I should tell you, but I don't know exactly how.
Ira Kane: Well, just say it. We're adults and we're all about to die a very horrible death soon anyway, so?
Dr. Allison Reed: I would've rocked your world.
Ira Kane: You already have.
[the heroes just killed a dinosaur-like creature]
Ira Kane: So, what do you want? Light meat, or dark?
Harry Block: You have to ask?
Harry Block: I'm no biologist, but how many cells do single-celled organisms have?
Ira Kane: Harry, if we're going to be big important scientists you have to start to act the part.
[they see a dying monster coughing something up]
Wayne Grey: Whoa! It's like a big lugie!
[the 'egg' breaks, and another monster comes out]
Harry Block: Mazel tov! It's a boy!
Ira Kane: Allow me to share something with the entire class. Last night as I was grading papers, I came across two gems both entitled "Cells are Bad" and both with just one paragraph which I unfortunately committed to memory: "Cells are bad. My uncle lives in a cell. It's ten foot by twelve and he has to read the same boring, old magazine everyday. The end." Although my standards are nowhere near where they used to be I could not bring myself to put As atop those beauties.
Deke: [points to his brother and himself as he slowly realizes] You're... talking... about our papers!
Dr. Allison Reed: Your Honor, if the Court would allow me to depose Dr. Kane?
Ira Kane: Depose *me*?
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: Oh, we think your past is very relevant, Doctor Kane. These issues speak directly to his competence as a scientist.
Ira Kane: Dr. Kane, you were a top-level researcher at USAMRIID from '94 to '97, were you not?
Dr. Allison Reed: Yes, that's correct.
Ira Kane: And you were summarily dismissed in the summer of 1997. Any idea why?
Ira Kane: My services were no longer required?
Ira Kane: Uh-huh. So, in your opinion, your firing had nothing to do with an experimental anthrax vaccine that you developed and administered to nearly 140,000 U.S. soldiers in May of that year?
Dr. Allison Reed: [leans in and whispers, smiling] I see where you're going with this.
Dr. Allison Reed: It may have been a factor, you'd have to ask the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Ira Kane: I'll make a note to do that. But for now, can you tell me what happened to the soldiers who were inoculated with your vaccine?
Ira Kane: Well, uh, none of them got anthrax, if that's what you're asking.
Dr. Allison Reed: What did they get?
Ira Kane: Um, well, as with any new vaccine, there were certain side effects associated with it.
Dr. Allison Reed: Could you be more specific?
Ira Kane: Well, it was a wide range of things, it's very technical, I'd hate to waste the court's time getting into it right now.
Dr. Allison Reed: Humor me.
Ira Kane: Some debilitating stomach cramps... severe diarrhea... memory loss.
Dr. Allison Reed: Yes? Go on. Any more symptoms?
[Harry is looking mortified and shocked at the defense table]
Ira Kane: Partial facial paralysis, temporary blindness, drooling, bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction, uncontrollable flatulence. I think that's it.
Dr. Allison Reed: One more question. Do you happen to remember what the soldiers called this illness, Doctor Kane?
Ira Kane: Yeah. They called it "The Kane Madness."
Harry Block: So, do they give the Nobel Prize out in yearly payments or is it just one lump sum, like the lottery?
Ira Kane: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Harry Block: Oh, I'm not getting ahead of myself. I've very concerned about the potential tax consequences.
Wayne Grey: [as they arm themselves in the sporting goods store] You ever use one of these things before?
Harry Block: Just 'cause I'm a schoolteacher, that don't make me a pussy.
Ira Kane: Ladies, ladies, there's a terrifying alien bird menacing the mall. Can we focus?
Ira Kane: [after an alien fly is pulled out of Harry's rectum] You should have seen the size of that thing you had inside you, it was like this!
[measures with his hands]
Ira Kane: You took it like a man.
Harry Block: Testing, testing, one, two, one-one-one-two... this is D.J. Harry Block here, and I'm an Aquarius...
Ira Kane: Harry, would you stop it? I can hear you.
Harry Block: Don't you snap at me, unless you want an angry solid gold dancer on your hands, Ira.
Ira Kane: You wouldn't understand.
Dr. Allison Reed: No, how could I? I'm just a humorless ice maiden in desperate need of a good humping.
Ira Kane: Oh... you heard that, huh?
Dr. Allison Reed: Loud and clear.
Nadine: I really need these credits to get into nursing school.
Harry Block: Nursing school? Don't you think you'd be happier in a different profession, one where people's lives were NOT dependent on you?
Ira Kane: We call no one, we tell no one. This is our secret, right?
Harry Block: What about the government? I mean, isn't this the kind of thing they usually get involved in?
Ira Kane: No! No government. I know those people. Absolutely not.
Nadine: Um, Professor, the little wiggly worm things in there are breaking.
Harry Block: Ira, look.
Ira Kane: Yeah. It's not breaking, it's splitting. It's mitosis. That's how they reproduce!
Harry Block: No sex?
Ira Kane: No time for sex.
[They are admiring a ten-legged creature with heads at both ends]
Harry Block: Is it coming or it going? - The tree just ate it!
Ira Kane: Everything down here seems to be food for something else, so let's try to stay off the menu, huh?
Harry Block: Got that right. Ooops!
[Block sees that he has stepped on a multi-legged creature. At once, alien insects descend like ants upon the mess and begin feasting]
Harry Block: Ira! Come here, look at these little things!
Ira Kane: Oh, cool! Great. Snag one!
Harry Block: Snag one?
Ira Kane: Yeah. Snag one and put them in the bucket!
Harry Block: I seen this movie, the black dude dies first. YOU snag it!
Ira Kane: Aw, don't be scared. Come on, we came for a specimen. Now snag one! Come on. Not gonna hurt you. Look, he's turned the other way. He's eating.
Harry Block: Come on, come on, my widdle red lobster. Come on, my sexy little crustracean. Come on...
Ira Kane: You're gonna be all right, buddy! Cut him open, let's get this thing!
Harry Block: CUT ME OPEN! There goes your Christmas gift, Judas!
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: I didn't know you were coming to see the show, sir.
Governor Lewis: Well, you damn well better make it a good one, Sergeant!
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: That's General.
Governor Lewis: Not if you screw this up.
Harry Block: Keep your chin up. You know she wanted to give you some, don't you?
Ira Kane: Were you even in that courtroom?
Harry Block: Getting barbecued like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay, baby.
[they return to their lab, to find the door broken in, and all their work stolen]
Ira Kane: Oh, we've been hit!
Harry Block: Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed!
[the Governor and science teams watch while an alien primate smashes the command site's video monitor cameras]
Carla: They just took out 6 and 7.
Lt. Cryer: All the monitors are down!
Governor Lewis: Well, that can't be good!
[a rumbling is heard]
Ira Kane: That's the elevator.
Col. Flemming: We have no personnel down there.
Dr. Allison Reed: They've breached the airlock.
Governor Lewis: [incredulously] What, the fuzzy no-nosed chimp?
Dr. Allison Reed: At this rate, they will take over Glen Canyon in three days. In a week, the rest of Arizona. Within two months, the United States will officially belong to them. And we are extinct.
Governor Lewis: Oh, you gotta be shittin' me!
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: No need to play the blame game here, Allison. No harm, no foul. Suffice it to say that we're all very appreciative of the discovery made by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black...
Harry Block: Block!
[Kane and Block disguise themselves as a colonel and a private to sneak into the military base]
Harry Block: I still don't understand why you get to be colonel and I'm just a private.
Ira Kane: I WAS a colonel.
Harry Block: Yeah, and you obviously served your country with distinction.
Ira Kane: You should be thankful, the penalty for impersonating an officer is five years in prison.
Harry Block: Maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang.
[as Allison introduces herself, she trips and falls, and her skirt rides up]
Ira Kane: A garter belt? At a day function?
[Ira moons General Woodman]
Ira Kane: Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: We evacuate, make it safe, and then we burn the alien menace right the hell out of there.
Dr. Allison Reed: With what?
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: With napalm. Lots and lots of napalm.
Ira Kane: Napalm? Why don't you just nuke 'em while you're at it?
Col. Flemming: [with an eager grin] What about nukes?
[Woodman starts thinking about it]
Governor Lewis: Pull your horns in there, boys! Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state!
Governor Lewis: I oughta throw the whole goddamn, jacked-up bunch of you in prison. No, not that cushy federal place with the loose jumpsuits. *State prison*... with the crotch binders!
Harry Block: Ira, are you sure you can handle this on your lonesome?
Harry Block: [on finding a dead alien] That dog is all ass!
[after having Ira and Harry thrown out of the base]
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: Don't you have work to do?
Dr. Allison Reed: You are such an asshole!
[She storms off]
Col. Flemming: You know, when a woman expresses anger, it's often because she...
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: Shut up.
Harry Block: Hey, beneath this calm, sexy exterior beats the heart of a true scientist!
Harry Block: [after the alien flying dragon's birth in back of the housing development] It's flying away! Is that a bad thing?
Ira Kane: Only if you're a human being.
Governor Lewis: Put a plug in it, I'm not interested in your bureaucratic crap-ola!
[At night, Wayne drives out to a shack in the desert and places a mannequin inside it. He is wearing a yellow fireman's coat, without a fire department's name on it]
Wayne Grey: Despite all the warnings, she was smoking in bed, fell asleep. Bad move.
[He sloshes gasoline inside the shack and strikes a match]
Wayne Grey: And the fire begins. Showtime!
[Hollering in fake excitement, he charges into the shack]
Wayne Grey: Don't worry, ma'am, I'm here to save you!
[He pulls the mannequin out, then shouts to an imaginary crowd:]
Wayne Grey: Keep those people back! This is an emergency!
[He dumps the mannequin on the ground, pulls his coat off, and pretends to start CPR]
Wayne Grey: Don't you dare die on me! Breathe, dammit, breathe! She's gonna make it! She's gonna make it!
[Looking up triumphantly to the imaginary crowd, he sees the asteroid in the night sky, heading straight toward him]
Wayne Grey: What the - ?
[When Ira first examines the microorganisms from the meteorite, the computer's DNA analysis reads: 4 Base Pairs: DNA Terrestrial. 10 Base Pairs: DNA Unknown]
Ira Kane: [stunned] Ten base pairs. That can't be.
[In the courtroom]
Judge Guilder: Dr. Kane, are you asking me to bar the Federal Government from involvement in a discovery as significant as this one?
Ira Kane: No, no, no. Not at all. We're asking you to make sure that the local scientists who actually made the discovery continue to play a significant role.
Harry Block: They kept us out for almost two weeks! And we put our lives on the line to find these little guys, Your Majesty! We just want to be there for them, as they grow up.
[He accidentally slaps Kane in the face, as though knowing Kane was going to correct him to say "Your Honor."]
Ira Kane: We were the first team at the meteor site, and all the initial testing was done in our lab, Judge.
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: The facilities at Glen Canyon Community College are jokes.
Judge Guilder: They weren't a joke when I went there, General.
[the General looks shifty-eyed and embarrassed]
[Kane and Block have sneaked into the Army Compound]
Harry Block: Ooh. Your girlfriend, eleven-o'clock.
[Allison drops her files, as Kane turns to look]
Dr. Allison Reed: Oh, darn it.
Ira Kane: That woman is a menace.
[In the meteorite crater]
Ira Kane: This place has changed.
Harry Block: Can you believe this?
Ira Kane: Harry, look at that! Our little babies are growing up. Three weeks, it's already like a rain forest in here.
Harry Block: Eww. Looks like the kitchen from my first apartment.
[the alien creature turns around to reveal what looks like spherical buttocks]
Harry Block: [grinning] Ira, look at that backside! Theater in the round. That's the kind of trunk space you want in a late-model car. Who does that remind you of?
Ira Kane: I've no idea what you're talking about.
Harry Block: She's been throwing it at you enough.
Ira Kane: [incredulously] Dr. Reed?
Harry Block: Bull's-eye.
[Cut to the Ops Room]
Lt. Cryer: Excuse me, Dr. Reed, did you authorize a walk-through?
Dr. Allison Reed: No. Why?
Lt. Cryer: Um, you should probably take a look at something. Here.
[On the computer screen, they see and hear Block teasing:]
Harry Block: That's the kind of rump you want to roast! The kind of muffin you'd like to butter!
Ira Kane: That is, that is a nice image. And I appreciate your assumption that there is an actual sexual human being underneath all Dr. Reed's deep-seated neuroses, but I don't think so.
Harry Block: What?
Ira Kane: Yeah. I think she is a humorless ice queen.
[Lieutenant Cryer has interrupted the briefing of the Governor to call attention to the command site's video monitors]
Governor Lewis: [angrily] All right, what's going on down there?
[Another video monitor reveals a Bigfoot-like creature skulking toward the camera with a menacing expression]
Ira Kane: My God. They've evolved into primates.
Wayne Grey: Aughh. Now, that's a face for radio!