Ira Kane: If I was a giant nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be?
Harry Block: Lingerie.
Ira Kane: Not you, the bird.
Harry Block: Lingerie.
Ira Kane: Give me back my friend, you big sphincter!
[Dr. Paulson is going to pull the alien bug out through Harry's rectum]
Nurse Tate: I'll get the lubricant...
Dr. Paulson: No time for lubricant!
Harry Block: There's ALWAYS time for lubricant!
Ira Kane: Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College.
Harry Block: Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.
Wayne Grey: Wayne Grey. I took some chemistry in high school.
[the heroes just killed a dinosaur-like creature]
Ira Kane: So, what do you want? Light meat, or dark?
Harry Block: You have to ask?
Harry Block: So, do they give the Nobel Prize out in yearly payments or is it just one lump sum, like the lottery?
Ira Kane: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Harry Block: Oh, I'm not getting ahead of myself. I've very concerned about the potential tax consequences.
[an alien bug is crawling inside Block's leg]
Dr. Allison Reed: What are you gonna do?
Dr. Paulson: We might have to amputate.
Harry Block: Whoa, Doc! Don't take the leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg.
Ira Kane: Isn't there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.
Nurse Tate: Doctor, look!
Dr. Paulson: It's headed for his testicles.
Harry Block: Take it! Take it! Take the leg!
Wayne Grey: [as they arm themselves in the sporting goods store] You ever use one of these things before?
Harry Block: Just 'cause I'm a schoolteacher, that don't make me a pussy.
Ira Kane: Ladies, ladies, there's a terrifying alien bird menacing the mall. Can we focus?
Ira Kane: [after an alien fly is pulled out of Harry's rectum] You should have seen the size of that thing you had inside you, it was like this!
[measures with his hands]
Ira Kane: You took it like a man.
Harry Block: Great googa-mooga!
Wayne Grey: [trying to get the alien's attention with an open mike] Ka Ka! Tukki Tukki!
Harry Block: Wayne, I think we've established that "Ka Ka" and "Tukki Tukki" don't work.
Wayne Grey: Right. Sorry.
[He starts singing into the mike]
Wayne Grey: You are so beautiful, to me...
Ira Kane: Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him.
Harry Block: Uh-uh, stand down! I'm taking this one out myself.
Wayne Grey: Can't you see...
Harry Block: Wayne, would you please stop, because you are embarrasing me.
[Wayne starts singing louder and directly to Harry. The creature reacts]
Ira Kane: It's working!
Harry Block: [to Wayne] Sing! Sing! Rub some funk on it!
Harry Block: Testing, testing, one, two, one-one-one-two... this is D.J. Harry Block here, and I'm an Aquarius...
Ira Kane: Harry, would you stop it? I can hear you.
Harry Block: Don't you snap at me, unless you want an angry solid gold dancer on your hands, Ira.
Ira Kane: You wouldn't understand.
Dr. Allison Reed: No, how could I? I'm just a humorless ice maiden in desperate need of a good humping.
Ira Kane: Oh... you heard that, huh?
Dr. Allison Reed: Loud and clear.
[after an alien bug crawls into his body]
Harry Block: For the love of everything good and holy, get this goddamn thing out of me!
Nadine: I really need these credits to get into nursing school.
Harry Block: Nursing school? Don't you think you'd be happier in a different profession, one where people's lives were NOT dependent on you?
[Harry has just had an alien removed rectally]
Dr. Allison Reed: It's over, it's over. You did great! Do you need anything? Can we get you anything?
Harry Block: Ice cream... I'd like an ice cream please.
Dr. Allison Reed: Okay, what flavor?
Harry Block: It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.
Harry Block: Shouldn't we call the government to help us out on this?
Ira Kane: Absolutely not! I know those people.
Harry Block: Liar Liar Pants On Fire!
Nadine: Um, Professor, the little wiggly worm things in there are breaking.
Ira Kane: It's not breaking, it's splitting. It's mitosis. It's how they reproduce.
Harry Block: No sex?
Ira Kane: No time for sex.
Harry Block: I'm no biologist, but how many cells do single-celled organisms have?
Ira Kane: Harry, if we're going to be big important scientists you have to start to act the part.
Ira Kane: Snag it!
Harry Block: Snag it?
Ira Kane: Yeah. Come on, snag it and put it in the bucket.
Harry Block: I've seen this movie, the black dude dies first. YOU snag it!
[they see a dying monster coughing something up]
Wayne Grey: Whoa! It's like a big lugie!
[the 'egg' breaks, and another monster comes out]
Harry Block: Mazel tov! It's a boy!
Ira Kane: You're gonna be all right, buddy! Cut him open, let's get this thing!
Harry Block: CUT ME OPEN! There goes your Christmas gift, Judas!
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: I didn't know you were coming to see the show.
Governor Lewis: Well, you damn well better make it a good one, Sergeant!
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: That's general!
Governor Lewis: Not if you screw this up.
Ira Kane: Allow me to share something with the entire class. Last night as I was grading papers, I came across two gems both entitled "Cells are Bad" and both with just one paragraph which I unfortunately committed to memory: "Cells are bad. My uncle lives in a cell. It's ten foot by twelve and he has to read the same boring, old magazine everyday. The end." Although my standards are nowhere near where they used to be I could not bring myself to put As atop those beauties.
Deke: [points to his brother and himself as he slowly realizes] You're... talking... about our papers!
Harry Block: Keep your chin up. You know she wanted to give you some, don't you?
Ira Kane: Were you even in that courtroom?
Harry Block: Getting barbecued like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay, baby.
[they return to their lab, to find the door broken in, and all their work stolen]
Ira Kane: Oh, we've been hit!
Harry Block: Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed!
Dr. Allison Reed: At this rate, they will take over Glen Canyon in three days. In a week, the rest of Arizona. Within two months, the United States will officially belong to them. And we are extinct.
Governor Lewis: Oh, you gotta be shittin' me!
Governor Lewis: What, the fuzzy no-nosed chimps?
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: Suffice to say, we're all very appreciative of the discovery made by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black...
Harry Block: Block!
[Kane and Block disguise themselves as a colonel and a private to sneak into the military base]
Harry Block: I still don't understand why you get to be colonel and I'm just a private.
Ira Kane: I WAS a colonel.
Harry Block: Yeah, and you obviously served your country with distinction.
Ira Kane: You should be thankful, the penalty for impersonating an officer is five years in prison.
Harry Block: Maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang.
Wayne Grey: Now that's a face for radio.
Harry Block: There's a fly in my suit!
[as Allison introduces herself, she trips and falls, and her skirt rides up]
Ira Kane: A garter belt? At a day function?
[Ira moons General Woodman]
Ira Kane: Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!
Dr. Allison Reed: Dr. Kane, you were a top-level researcher at USAMRIID until 1997, is that correct?
Ira Kane: Yes.
Dr. Allison Reed: Until you were dismissed in June. Can you tell us why that was?
Ira Kane: My services were no longer required?
Dr. Allison Reed: So, in your opinion, your dismissal had nothing to do with an experimental anthrax vaccine that you developed and distributed to over 40,000 U.S. soldiers in May of that year?
Ira Kane: [leans in] I see where you're going with this.
Ira Kane: It may have been a factor, you'd have to ask the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Dr. Allison Reed: I'll make a note to do that. But in the meantime, could you tell us what happened to the soldiers who were inoculated with your vaccine?
Ira Kane: Well, uh, none of them got anthrax, if that's what you're asking.
[fakes some chuckles]
Dr. Allison Reed: What did they get?
Ira Kane: Well, as with any new vaccine, there were certain side effects...
Dr. Allison Reed: Could you be more specific?
Ira Kane: Well, it was a wide range of things, it's very technical, I'd hate to waste the court's time...
Dr. Allison Reed: Humor me.
Ira Kane: Some debilitating stomach cramps... severe diarrhea... memory loss.
Dr. Allison Reed: Go on. Any more symptoms?
Ira Kane: [Harry is looking mortified and shocked at the defense table] Partial facial paralysis, temporary blindness, drooling, bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction, uncontrollable flatulence. I think that's it.
Dr. Allison Reed: One more question. Do you recall what the soldiers called this illness?
Ira Kane: Yeah, they called it "The Kane Madness."
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: We'll seal off the tunnels, and then we burn the alien menace right the hell out of there.
Dr. Allison Reed: With what?
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: With napalm. Lots and lots of napalm.
Ira Kane: Napalm? Why don't you just nuke 'em while you're at it?
Col. Flemming: What about nukes?
[Woodman starts thinking about it]
Governor Lewis: Pull your horns in there, boys! Nobody's dropping an H-bomb in the middle of my state!
Dr. Allison Reed: There's something I've been wanting to tell you, but I don't know exactly how.
Ira Kane: Well, we're all adults here and we're all about to die a very horrible death anyway, so?
Harry Block: They kept us out for almost two weeks. We put our lives on the line to find these little guys, your majesty. We just want to be there for them as they grow up.
Ira Kane: Let's shampoo us some aliens!
Governor Lewis: I oughta throw the whole goddamn, jacked-up bunch of you in prison. No, not that cushy federal place with the loose jumpsuits. *State prison*... with the crotch binders!
Harry Block: Ira, are you sure you can handle this on your lonesome?
Harry Block: [on finding a dead alien] That dog is all ass!
[after having Ira and Harry thrown off the base]
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: Don't you have work to do?
Dr. Allison Reed: You are such an asshole!
Col. Flemming: You know, they say that when a woman expresses strong emotions, she's not actually feeling anger, what she's saying is...
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman: Shut up, Flemming.
Harry Block: Hey, beneath this calm, sexy exterior beats the heart of a true scientist!
Harry Block: [after the alien flying dragon's birth in back of the housing development] It's flying away! Is that a bad thing?
Ira Kane: ...only if you're a human being.
Governor Lewis: Put a plug in it, I'm not interested in your bureaucratic crap-ola!
Deke Donald: Blue monkey! Blue monkey!