Quotes

Farva: License and registration... chicken fucker.

Farva: Give me a double bacon cheeseburger.

Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Double baco cheeseburger. It's for a cop.

Farva: What the hell's that all about? You gonna spit in it now?

Dimpus Burger Guy: No, I just told him that so he makes it good.

[into mic]

Dimpus Burger Guy: Don't spit in that cop's burger.

Farva: Yeah, thanks.

Second Dimpus Guy: Roger, holding the spit.

Farva: Gimme a pie... apple.

Dimpus Burger Guy: Want me to hold the spit? Hah, just kidding officer Farva.

[pause]

Dimpus Burger Guy: Want me to dimpa-size your meal for 25 cents?

Farva: Want me to punch-a-size your face, for free?

Dimpus Burger Guy: It's only 25 cents, and look how much more you get.

Thorny: Look, kid, he doesn't want it.

Farva: I can handle this, Thorn. I don't want it!

Dimpus Burger Guy: Uhh, right. Beverage?

Farva: Gimme a litre o' cola.

Dimpus Burger Guy: What?

Farva: [Annoyed] A litre o' cola.

Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Litrecola? Do we sell litrecola?

Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva?

Farva: I don't want a large farva. I want a goddamn litre o' cola!

Dimpus Burger Guy: [to Farva] I don't know what that is!

Farva: [slowly starts shouting] Litre is French for...

[grabs burger kid by shirt]

Farva: ... give me my fuckin' cola before I break VOUS FUCKIN' LIP!

Thorny: Are you okay?

College Boy 2: Yeah, sure.

Thorny: Yes sir?

College Boy 2: Yes sir.

Thorny: No, did you say "yes sir."?

Rabbit: I think he said "yeah, sure."

College Boy 1: What'd you say man?

College Boy 2: When I said, "yeah, sure", but what... literally what I said was "yeah, sure, sir."

Thorny: So you are okay then?

College Boy 2: Yes sir.

[sounds like "yeah sure"]

Farva: Say car Ram-Rod.

Farva: Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her... I guess you could say that about all my girls.

Farva: Hey, let's pop some Viagras and issue tickets with raging, mega-huge boners.

Thorny: You know, Farva, only you can make a dark man blush. And no, we're not doing it.

Police Chief Grady: Desperation is a stinky cologne.

Captain O'Hagan: [In an Irish accent] I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.

Thorny: Where are your shoes?

Foster: What are you, the shoe police?

Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar.

Foster: Black magic only works on the rookie.

Thorny: That's brown magic.

Police Chief Grady: I will have the enchilada platter with two tacos and no guacamoles. Smy?

Officer Smy: Yeah, chief. I'll have a CHINCHILLA!

Rabbit: I don't get it. Tacos?

Thorny: They think I'm Mexican.

Rabbit: You're not Mexican?

Farva: Don't call me radio, unit 91.

Mac: Then don't call me unit 91, radio.

Farva: Are you done?

[Foster and Mac have pulled a man over for speeding and are deciding what game to play]

Mac: All right, how about "Cat Game?"

Foster: Cat Game? What's the record?

Mac: Thorny did six, but I think you can do ten.

Foster: Ten? Starting right 'meow?'

[Mac laughs - they walk up to the car, and Foster taps on the driver side]

Larry Johnson: Sorry about the...

Foster: All right meow. (1) Hand over your license and registration.

[the man hands him his license]

Foster: Your registration? Hurry up meow. (2)

[Mac ticks off two fingers]

Larry Johnson: Sorry.

[the man laughs a little]

Foster: Is there something funny here boy?

Larry Johnson: Oh, no.

Foster: Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson?

[pause]

Foster: All right meow, (3) where were we?

Larry Johnson: Excuse me, are you saying meow?

Foster: Am I saying meow?

[Mac puts his hands up for the fourth one, but makes an "eehhh" facial expression, as he is considering the last one]

Larry Johnson: I thought...

Foster: Don't think boy. Meow, (4) do you know how fast you were going?

[man laughs]

Foster: Meow. (5) What is so damn funny?

Larry Johnson: I could have sworn you said meow.

Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree?

[Mac is gut-busting laughing]

Foster: Am I drinking milk from a saucer?

[feigned anger]

Foster: Do you see me eating mice?

Foster: [Mac and the man are laughing their heads off now] You stop laughing right meow! (6)

Larry Johnson: [the man stops and swallows hard] Yes sir.

Foster: Meow, (7) I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. (8) It's the law.

[rips off the ticket and hands it to the man]

Foster: Not so funny meow, (9) is it?

Foster: [Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow! (10)

Farva: What's this?

[playing with cloth]

Rabbit: A chamois cloth.

Farva: Ha. Lucky guess. I just lost a buck. To myself.

[Farva brings the boys a round of coffee, and has left a surprise in Rabbit's]

Rabbit: [dryly] Oh, look, a bar of soap.

Farva: Oh, shit, I got you good, you fucker!

Mac: *Awesome* prank, Farva.

Farva: Better than the crap you pull, Mac!

Captain O'Hagan: Look, fellas...

Mac: [to Rabbit] Bite it, rook! You'll make him look like a dick!

Rabbit: Nah...

Captain O'Hagan: Every Thursday night I walk into the lodge to play Hearts...

[Mac persists in goading Rabbit as O'Hagan continues]

Mac: Seriously, rook, bite it. Do it. Don't be a wuss!

Captain O'Hagan: ...and they always have my Old-Fashioned just waiting there...

Mac: Don't be a wuss, bite it!

Captain O'Hagan: ...I like that. I like it here...

Mac: Bite it. Bite it!

Captain O'Hagan: [Fed up] Oh, hell! Give me the goddamn soap!

[He grabs the soap, takes a bite, and spits it at Mac]

Foster: We could be like Cagney and Lacey.

Ursula: Right. Except Cagney and Lacey were both women.

[beat]

Foster: I could be Lacey.

Farva: Who can say "meow" the most? You guys are real crazy, hey look out for these guys.

Farva: Hell I can say "meow". I can say "moo", for twenty bucks I'll call the guy a chickenfucker.

[College Boy 3 appears from closet, encounters cops]

College Boy 3: I love acid... Cops.

Farva: It doesn't matter cause I'm going to win ten million dollars.

Thorny: What are you going to do with ten million dollars, and you can't say buy the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Farva: I'd buy a ten million dollar car.

Thorny: That's a good investment but I'd still pull you over.

Farva: Bull Shit. You couldn't pull me over, and even if you did I'd activate my car's wings and I'd fly away.

[Farva pulls off ticket from cup and pop spills all over him from the hole behind the ticket]

Farva: Dammit, you burger punk. You son of a bitch!

Ursula: [talking into voice filter] Freeze motherfucker.

Foster: Oh, god, please don't shoot me. I'm naked.

Ursula: Drop your coat and grab your toes.

Foster: What?

Ursula: I'm gonna show you where the wild goos goes.

Foster: Uh, this isn't happening. I'm a police officer. Ursula, help.

Ursula: Baby, I'm gonna butter your bread.

[Foster turns, sees Ursula is "holding him up"]

Ursula: [still talking into the voice filter] You don't have these at your station?

Foster: [grabs the voice filtrator, and speaks into it] I don't suppose you have a fresh pair of underwear I can borrow?

Ursula: I'm not sure you could fit into my panties.

[a man appears to be having sex with a bear in the woods]

Officer Smy: Bear... bearfucker, do you need assistance?

Foster: [Drunk] Hey, so, Ursula, what's uh, what's goin' on?

Ursula: Don't use that boyfriend voice with me.

Mac: No, Farva, you are under arrest for being a complete and total fuckhead.

Foster: Ain't so funny meow is it?

Thorny: Littering and... littering and... littering and smokin' the reefer.

Rabbit: Holy shit, it's a cool Winnebago.

Rabbit: See, a lot of drug dealers use stickers to mark their products. Like a brand name.

Farva: See? Where'd you learn that, Cheech? Drug school?

Captain O'Hagan: Shut up, Farva.

[to Rabbit]

Captain O'Hagan: Did that bag you pulled off these College kids have that sticker?

Rabbit: Uummm...

[secretly looks at a bag he hid in his pocket]

Rabbit: I don't believe it did.

Mac: Your mother should've swallowed you, Rando!

Foster: [explaining his low number of citations issued] I can't make them speed.

Captain O'Hagan: Try hiding.

Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun!

Thorny: [referring to Farva] Yeah, and his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.

Foster: [after a pause] Which... makes them not really shenanigans at all.

Mac: [in a silly voice] Evil shenanigans!

Thorny: I'm OK... but I can't say the same for these white devils.

Rabbit: [referring to the Johnny Chimpo cartoon] It's really funny, Cap! It's Afghanistanimation.

Thorny: Say Farva, you wanna take this dispatch?

Farva: Hell, yeah!

Thorny: Yeah, I bet you would.

Thorny: All right Arlo, why don't you hop up on Uncle Rabbit's lap?

Rabbit: [indicating that he still has an erection] I don't think that's such a good idea, Thorny!

Captain O'Hagan: There was a time when we'd take a guy like you in the back and beat you with a hose. Now you've got your God-damned unions.

Farva: Cap'n... you know I'm not a pro-union guy.

College Boy 3: [stoned] I'm freakin' out, man!

Rabbit: Yes, you are freaking out... man.

[repeated line]

Thorny: Enhance.

Captain O'Hagan: Just print the damn thing!

Thorny: I'll give you the fat guy for Foster. And uh, how about that stupid guy for Rabbit.

Ursula: Well, you're going to have to be more specific, they're both kind of fat and stupid.

[first lines]

College Boy 2: No, man, I'm just saying... I'm sayin', if-if you own beachfront property, right, do you own, like, the sand and the water?

College Boy 3: Nobody owns the water. God owns - it's God's water.

Captain O'Hagan: We should have taken him out the back and shot him a long time ago.

Thorny: [upon seeing Farva in a local cop uniform] What the fuck, Farva!

Captain O'Hagan: What are you doing wearing that uniform in my station?

Farva: Looks who's talking 'Denim Dan'! You look like the President and CEO of Levi-Strauss!

Officer Smy: Ursula, what the fuck? There's no TP in the bathroom!

Ursula: What about the piece stuck to your shoe?

Officer Smy: What ABOUT the piece stuck to my shoe?

[Looks down]

Officer Smy: SHIT!

Ursula: [Stifles a laugh]

Officer Smy: You know, you might get ahead around here if you made the extra effort.

Ursula: Oh why... did you want me to wipe your ass?

Officer Smy: [Flustered] That's not what I meant!

[With a pompous gesture]

Officer Smy: Well around MY house, my wife knows to refill the TP.

Ursula: I'm not your wife, Smy.

Officer Smy: No, and if you were, I'd take you down a peg or two.

Ursula: Oooooooh.

Thorny: Where you boys headed?

College Boy 1: Canada... we were goin' to Canada for some French fries and gravy, sir.

Thorny: Canada, huh? Almost made it.

[In a silly voice with his eyes crossed]

Mac: Do we look like the two dumbest guys in the world to you?

Thorny: Littering and smoking the reefer. Now to teach you boys a lesson, me and officer Rabbit are going to stand here while you three smoke the whole bag.

College Boy 3: [Just ate a bag of weed and a bag of shrooms] Oh please no.

Captain O'Hagan: [Drunk, peeing into a man's car after pulling him over] When you gotta go, you gotta go.