Yes, Dear (2000–2006)
Jimmy Hughes: It's great to see you, Dad. Too bad Mom couldn't come with you.
Big Jimmy Hughes: Yeah, well, it's the big gin tournament at Sun City this weekend.
Jimmy Hughes: Gin tournament? I didn't know Mom played gin.
Big Jimmy Hughes: She doesn't play it; she drinks it. She's got a good chance this year. Last year's champion is waiting for a liver transplant.
Kim Warner: [following a night of unusually good sex] It was amazing... all the screaming...
Greg Warner: Yeah... I just hope I didn't wake Sammy.
Christine Hughes: [hands Kim a blender] Here, have your Daquiri maker back.
Kim Warner: Why, doesn't it work?
Christine Hughes: Well, yeah, it works just fine, but... do you remember yesterday?
Kim Warner: Yes.
Christine Hughes: I don't.
Greg Warner: Where's Sammy?
Kim Warner: Up in the room with Dominic and Logan.
Greg Warner: Really?
Kim Warner: They asked for three sheets and shut the door. Either they're playing ghosts, building a fort or having a clan meeting.
Jimmy Hughes: [Greg and Kim are kissing, and Jimmy walks in] Get a room.
Greg Warner: Get a house.
Logan Hughes: Why do we have to take a bath? We're not dirty.
Christine Hughes: Logan, in the last hour I've seen you stick your finger up three different nostrils.
Kim Warner: Every time something goes wrong at work do you want me to put on the Batman cape and fly into town because they upset my Greggy?
Greg Warner: Actually Batman can't fly.
Kim Warner: Is that really important?
Greg Warner: It is to the citizens of Gotham.
Dominic Hughes [#2]: Can I have some coffee so I don't fall asleep in school again?
Jimmy Hughes: Dominic, you are six years old, you can't have coffee. Here, drink these Mountain Dews.
Kim Warner: How is the practice date going?
Dominic Hughes [#2]: She won't even let me get things started
Kim Warner: [to Christine] I'll bet no one who's been on a first date with you has ever said that.
Christine Hughes: Jimmy, I can't believe you got Dominic a mullet.
Jimmy Hughes: Why? It's an acceptable haircut. Everybody in our hometown has a mullet.
Christine Hughes: Jimmy, people in our hometown even give their dogs mullets. This isn't back home, this is LA.
Greg Warner: Uh, Dominic; you want to go out back and play catch with me?
Dominic Hughes [#2]: Sure!
Jimmy Hughes: Why'd you do that?
Greg Warner: Well, I didn't think he should hear you two arguing over his haircut. It might break his heart; his 'Achy Breaky Heart'
[Runs from room with Jimmy chasing him]
Kim Warner: How's Emily?
Greg Warner: Sleeping like a 'Jimmy'.
Kim Warner: In that case, she's sprawled on her back with one hand down her diaper.
Greg Warner: Yeah, in a bed that belongs to us.
Greg Warner: So, Curtis; you went to college?
Curtis: Yeah, for about a year and a half; then the money ran out so I went to ask my mom for money and that's how I wound up in jail.
Greg Warner: It's not a crime to ask your mother for money for college.
Curtis: It is if your mother is a bank teller and you're holding a gun on her while asking.
Mr. Savitsky: [Savitsky is writing alimony checks for his ex-wives] Listen, Warner; do you think if I just made this out to 'Money Grubbing Whore #2', the bank would still cash it?
Christine Hughes: Jimmy, I've told you before, it's okay if you look at porn. Just let me know when you find something good.
Greg Warner: What do you mean you can't kill it? You used to go hunting when you where young!
Jimmy Hughes: I just liked to chug beer and paint my face!
Jimmy Hughes: So you and that girl Lisa seem to be getting along.
Marcellas Reynolds: Yeah, she's sweet.
Jimmy Hughes: Oh she is fine! I think you have a chance with her.
Marcellas Reynolds: Jimmy, you do know that I'm gay, right?
Jimmy Hughes: Oh... Okay... well check out the abs on Nathan.
Nathan Marlow: I heard what you said about my abs... thanks.
Lisa Donahue: I heard what you said about my ass... thanks.
Christine Hughes: [explaining to the babysitter] Ok, this baby monitor will let you keep track of Dominic from the house. Now, if he begins to cry, press this button to turn it off.
Gloria: [Kim and Greg has just found Gloria, their babysitter, on their couch with a guy] Oh, I'm sorry... have you met my husband Guillermo?
Kim Warner: No, I don't believe I have.
Gloria: Well, if you do, don't tell him about Lou.
Greg Warner: [Sammy has fallen down from the jungle-gym] Does it still hurt, Sammy?
Sam 'Sammy' Warner: No.
Christine Hughes: I'm just glad he stopped crying...
Greg Warner: I was worried about my son!
Grandma Nan: [to Greg] You were always my favorite, Jimmy.
Kim Warner: No, Grandma Nan, that's Greg.
Grandma Nan: Greg who?
Greg Warner: Where do you see yourself in twenty years?
Jimmy Hughes: I don't know. Where do you see me in twenty years?
Greg Warner: Hopefully just at holidays and other family functions.
Greg Warner: Hey, what's up?
Kim Warner: Nothing. Just thinking of names for Jimmy's boat.
Greg Warner: How about the S.S. Jimmy's An Idiot?
Greg Warner: Great, dinner with Jimmy. It's like "Tuesdays With Morrie" except you don't learn anything, and at the end you want to guy to die.
Kim Warner: Sammy, why do you keep on scratching your head?
Jimmy Hughes: Maybe he's perplexed... What? That's a word, right?
Jimmy Hughes: Wait, I thought you said you would support my decision no matter what!
Christine Hughes: Yeah! If you made the right one!
Christine Hughes: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Did you guys clean up your toys in there?
Dominic Hughes [#2]: No.
Christine Hughes: Well, go back in there and pick 'em up. You want your mom to trip on a Power Ranger again and break her other ankle?
Logan Hughes: No, we're sorry.
Kim Warner: Christine, you broke your ankle trying on slutty shoes at the mall.
Christine Hughes: Shh! Knowing their mom's a clumsy tramp isn't going to keep their room clean for the next six to eight weeks.
Logan Hughes: I'm not wearing any of Dominic's old clothes
Jimmy Hughes: Now you're being picky? The last three mornings I had to make you spit out Dominic's gum.
Kim Warner: I never would've thought of such a... natural method of toilet training.
Christine Hughes: Well, it worked so well for Dominic, he picked it up in no time.
Dominic Hughes [#2]: I had to learn in the snow.
Jimmy Hughes: Well, Dad; this is a good opportunity for you to be around kids.
Big Jimmy Hughes: Are you kidding? The people at Sun City have their grandchildren running around all of the time. I've never seen so many people wearing diapers changing diapers!
Christine Hughes: You don't know who Uday and Qasay are?
Jimmy Hughes: No. I never learned Pig Latin.
Christine Hughes: I don't like hitting my kids. What are we Bill Cosby.
Kim Warner: Bill Cosby didn't spank his kids.
Christine Hughes: Who am I thinking of?
Greg Warner: Bing Crosby.
Jimmy Hughes: What's more important to you, playing the game or winning the dog?
Dominic Hughes [#2]: I want the dog.
Jimmy Hughes: Give me the hammer.
Realtor: Hey kids, I'll give you a nickel for every roach you squash.
Logan Hughes: [later on] Aunt Kim, could you tell Emily to stop eating bugs? She just cost us 15 cents.
Kim Warner: [Greg and Kim found out that Jimmy and Christine had sex in their bed while house-sitting] You had sex in our bed?
Greg Warner: Well, yeah, I thought that was a given.
Christine Hughes: What's the big deal? We left the bedspread on.
Greg Warner: Oh, no, now I'll have to sit on the dresser to put on my socks!
Jimmy Hughes: Greg, if you are skipping the bed, you might want to pass on the dresser too.
Kim Warner: You two are animals! Maybe that wasn't a water leak. Maybe God was trying to throw water on the two of you.
Christine Hughes: [Smirking] Well, God's name did come up at the end.
Jimmy Hughes: Oh, and Greg; remember that drawer on your desk you couldn't get open? Try it now.
Greg Warner: On my desk too?
Jimmy Hughes: [Smirking] Maybe you just weren't banging on it with the right tool.
Jimmy Hughes: Hi everybody! I'm back and I took Dominic to get his hair cut.
Christine Hughes: My God, Jimmy! You got him a mullet!
Greg Warner: [to Kim] He looks like the world's shortest lesbian.
Jimmy Hughes: [Jimmy and Greg are leaving to vandalize a neighbors house] Ok, the men are leaving to fight this battle. It would be nice if the women would greet us appropriately when we return.
Christine Hughes: I'll be waiting in bed with a grilled cheese sandwitch
Jimmy Hughes: [Looking at Greg] Let's go!
Greg Warner: [Greg and Kim developed a roll of film that had nude pictures of Jimmy and Christine] There were a lot of things I hoped I'd never see and three of them are hanging from Jimmy.
Greg Warner: Christine did look good though.
Kim Warner: [Looking at Greg] Shut up!
Christine Hughes: Look, the governor is chasing some guy around the basketball court. Natalie, isn't that Tom running around and making a fool out of himself?
Natalie: [Never looks up from her magazine] Yep.
Christine Hughes: You didn't even look!
Natalie: [Turning a page] Don't have to.
Jimmy Hughes: [Greg and KIm are getting ready to go out] Hey, hey; all dressed up and ready, huh?
Greg Warner: Jimmy, you are seeing the being of a great and wonderful Valentine's Day.
Christine Hughes: As long as I don't have to see the end.
Christine Hughes: Can you imagine watching those two skinny little bodies naked? It would be like watching a praying mantis having sex with a cricket.
Jenny Ludke: [Someone knocks on the door to the dressing room during the wedding video followed by a protracted period of coughing and hacking] Ah, I see the mother of the groom has arrived.
Jimmy Hughes: [Greg has agreed to do a favor for Jimmy] Thanks, Greg; you'd really do that for me?
Greg Warner: Sure, no big deal. It's not like you asked me to help you move; although I am always available to help you move.
Jimmy Hughes: I know; you put that on our Christmas card. Losing five minutes of sleep won't kill me.
Christine Hughes: Why are you worried about Greg?
Jimmy Hughes: Well, Roy and I were kidding him about being scared to go to that barbeque place down in 'the hood'. He's been gone about two hours and we haven't heard from him.
Christine Hughes: Well, what did he tell you when you called him on his cell phone?
Jimmy Hughes: [Looking confused] Uhhhhhhh.
Christine Hughes: You didn't call him on his cell phone?
Jimmy Hughes: Uh, well, no.
Christine Hughes: Well, excuse me if I don't wait around for the exciting end of 'CS-I'm-a-moron'.