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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (TV Series 2000– ) Poster

Quotes

Greg Sanders: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. Swab one down, run it through CODIS, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.

[liquid from the trunk of a car containing two corpses splashes up onto Greg's face and into his mouth]

Sara Sidle: Technically, that makes you a cannibal. Grissom would be proud.

Greg Sanders: Grissom would have tasted it on purpose.

Greg Sanders: All work and no play makes Greg a dull boy.

Gil Grissom: All play and no work makes Greg an UNEMPLOYED boy.

Catherine Willows: Hey, you.

Warrick Brown: Hey.

Catherine Willows: How uh... are you holding up?

Warrick Brown: I'm fine.

Catherine Willows: You sure?

Warrick Brown: Yeah.

Catherine Willows: ...you're in the women's bathroom.

Warrick Brown: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?

Gil Grissom: The winner?

Catherine Willows: You know how you're always pushing that holy trinity stuff?

Gil Grissom: Father, Son and Holy Ghost?

Catherine Willows: Victim, suspect, crime scene.

Gil Grissom: That one, huh?

Gil Grissom: I just got a page from James Watson.

Nick Stokes: And I got one from Francis Crick. What's going on, Greg?

Greg Sanders: Well, as you both know, Watson and Crick are the granddaddies of DNA. Without their discoveries, I'd have nothing to do all day.

Nick Stokes: What have you been doing all day?

Gil Grissom: So, let's see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?

Greg Sanders: Weird, ha?

Gil Grissom: Well, I race cockroaches!

[identifying an insect at a crime scene]

Gil Grissom: Dermastidae masculatus.

Sara Sidle: That's Latin for "You're hiding a dead body."

Gil Grissom: I can't tell whether he's brilliant or nuts.

Captain Jim Brass: Sound familiar?

Catherine Willows: Never doubt. Never look back. That's how I live my life.

Gil Grissom: I admire that.

[Cath stares at the body of her deceased ex-husband]

Dr. Al Robbins: Catherine, you can't say goodbye in an autopsy room.

Dr. Al Robbins: Hand me that foot, would you?

Catherine Willows: We're mid-case. Why do we have to do this now?

Gil Grissom: Well, unless I get these evaluations in, I'll be written up.

Catherine Willows: My goals... all right, for starters, I'd like two consecutive nights off. I would like to cut my triples down to 10 instead of the usual 20, and I would love to find a reliable babysitter so I could have myself some kind of a personal life.

Gil Grissom: You don't have a personal life?

Catherine Willows: Write this down: I haven't had sex in six - no, seven months.

Gil Grissom: How can I help?

[Her eyes widen]

Gil Grissom: You. Advance, I mean.

Nick Stokes: There's a sucker born every minute.

Gil Grissom: Yeah, and they all come to Vegas.

Nick Stokes: Well, it takes 10 minutes to drive from the clinic to Industrial Road.

Warrick Brown: Yeah?

Nick Stokes: Yeah, I had Greg run it.

Warrick Brown: [laughing] That's classic!

Hodges: I didn't page you.

Nick Stokes: No. I just figured I'd come by.

Hodges: You're checking up on me again.

Nick Stokes: No, I'm checking up on my evidence.

Hodges: Do you think if you hover the FTIR will work faster?

Nick Stokes: Yes, Hodges, that's what I think.

Warrick Brown: You just don't let up, do you?

Sara Sidle: It's a flaw.

[after telling Grissom something that Grissom already knows]

Greg Sanders: I guess I should stop trying to impress you.

Gil Grissom: That would impress me.

Greg Sanders: I had to send this to an outside lab since we're not equipped to carry out bacterial DNA analysis. Hint, hint.

Sara Sidle: Dead body! Bonus.

[Grissom admits to a mistake]

Gil Grissom: What?

Nick Stokes: Well, it's just that most people don't admit to being wrong.

Gil Grissom: I'm wrong all the time. It's how I get to "right".

Gil Grissom: Sometimes I can be a little thoughtless.

Catherine Willows: I wouldn't say that. Not just any guy would walk a girl to the morgue.

Nick Stokes: Mrs Hendler, do you and your husband do much rock climbing?

Amy Hendler: Yes.

[points gun at Nick]

Amy Hendler: That's what I killed her with.

[Later in the lab]

Sara Sidle: You made my pickle into a light bulb?

Greg Sanders: [about orthodontia] I had it all - palate expander, braces, retainer, headgear. Five years of torture, but worth every penny, don't you think?

Greg Sanders: For the record, I really like having a penis.

Catherine Willows: [looking at a surveillance video of a teenage boy in an elevator] You crack this kid's head open, all that would come out would be T&A.

Greg Sanders: I think you said that about me once.

Catherine Willows: Actually, more than once.

[Grissom walks by the lab where Greg is playing music]

Gil Grissom: Hey, Sanders, no punk rock.

Greg Sanders: What about Black Flag?

Gil Grissom: Are you nuts?

Nick Stokes: [Greg opens a cupboard and pulls out a book] I thought that's where you kept your porn.

Greg Sanders: I move it around.

Greg Sanders: Bringing back a semen sample... I analyzed this and found your DNA.

Nick Stokes: That was quick.

Greg Sanders: No jokes about my being fast in this department.

Nick Stokes: Hah.

Dr. Al Robbins: I'll know more later.

Gil Grissom: You always tell me that.

Dr. Al Robbins: Yes, I do.

Catherine Willows: [to Grissom] What would you do without me?

Gil Grissom: Ok, we're going off the board tonight.

Sara Sidle: Off the board?

Catherine Willows: Fish. The ones that got away.

Sara Sidle: Oh. I missed that one.

[Sara storms in, obviously angry]

Sara Sidle: You weren't in your office.

Gil Grissom: And good morning to you too, Miss Sidle.

Catherine Willows: So, any luck with the blood and hair samples I gave you?

Greg Sanders: Don't insult me. Luck is only for those without skill.

Catherine Willows: Spoken like a man who's never hit the jackpot.

Greg Sanders: Sad, but true.

[after Greg kicks him out of the lab]

Warrick Brown: Did you take your medication today?

Catherine Willows: If something doesn't feel right to you, it usually isn't.

[to Grissom upon seeing a bug]

Catherine Willows: Hey, look at that. Your six-legged soul mate.

[Looking for clues in a messy trailer]

Nick Stokes: People are pigs.

Gil Grissom: Don't insult the pigs, Nick. They're actually very clean.

[in the autopsy room, looking over fragmented bones]

Dr. Al Robbins: You want a breast or a thigh?

Catherine Willows: It's your kitchen.

Greg Sanders: Hey Catherine, you think Sara would go to dinner with me?

Catherine Willows: Sure, as long as you don't tell her it's a date.

Hodges: "Thank you Hodges for performing that incredibly elaborate test requiring copious concentration and an advanced degree."

Catherine Willows: What's up, David? You find something?

David Phillips: I was just thinking that I wouldn't be caught dead in those shorts.

Captain Jim Brass: Hey, look what I found: a knife with blood on it.

Gil Grissom: Hey, look what I found: dead guy.

Grissom: "The evil men do always lives after them. The good is often interred with their bones."

Warrick Brown: Shakespeare?

Grissom: [nods] Julius Caesar.

[about an elastic plastic]

Gil Grissom: What's it found in?

Hodges: Greg-Sanders-wear.

[talking to a suspect about a broken mirror at the crime scene]

Sara Sidle: You know that's seven years bad luck.

Captain Jim Brass: More like seven to ten.

Nick Stokes: You need to get a girlfriend.

David Phillips: I'm engaged, but thank you.

Greg Sanders: I, am a genius.

Warrick Brown: Let me guess, you ran the DNA and got a hit?

Greg Sanders: No.

Gil Grissom: You ran the DNA and something distinctive came up?

Greg Sanders: No.

Warrick Brown: You rolled out of bed and managed to dress yourself?

Greg Sanders: No.

Catherine Willows: Lovers and co-workers, that never works.

Sara Sidle: I think this print dust is getting to me. Would you mind finishing up the fridge?

Greg Sanders: Do I get a gold star?

Sara Sidle: I was really into gold stars when I was a kid.

Greg Sanders: As opposed to now?

Gil Grissom: [to Hodges] So you're saying our killer had metal balls?

Greg Sanders: [about Sara] You want a valium for her?

Sara Sidle: I heard that!

Catherine Willows: The thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility it might come true. And when you lose that possibility it just... kinda... sucks.

Gil Grissom: There is always a clue.

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Gil Grissom: Where's your enthusiasm?

Greg Sanders: Whenever I find a match in here, my world gets a little smaller. Out there I felt large.

Gil Grissom: Out there means a pay cut.

Greg Sanders: I'm not about the money.

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Nick Stokes: Is there anything you won't bet on, man?

Warrick Brown: Nah.

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[Nick has offered to make a bet on a case]

Warrick Brown: I don't get out of bed for less than a bill.

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Sara Sidle: Is there truly no place left in Las Vegas without slot machines?

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Gil Grissom: Are we paying you by the word?

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Gil Grissom: What you do on your time is your business. What you do on my time is my business.

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Gil Grissom: Amazing how the sight of blood can clear a room.

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[to Warrick]

Catherine Willows: Whatever you say, Superfly.

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[suspect shows Cath a picture of a guy]

Suspect: I have THIS guy keeping me at home.

Catherine Willows: Ahhh, did you get that picture from your wallet? I mean, when you bought it?

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[to a recalcitrant suspect]

Captain Jim Brass: Newsflash. You can't make a deal if you keep your mouth shut.

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[after Gil Grissom lights up a pickle in the lab]

Gil Grissom: You know this is how I cooked my hot dogs in college.

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Gil Grissom: No victim can ever say we didn't try.

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Sara Sidle: So what is it?

Hodges: Give me some time, I'm not a miracle worker.

Sara Sidle: Well, that's obvious, Hodges, or else you wouldn't be rude.

Hodges: I wasn't being rude, I was being curt. Rude would be "When I know, you'll know." Friends?

Sara Sidle: No.

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Gil Grissom: The rich are just as depraved as the poor.

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Captain Jim Brass: What are you doing after work?

Gil Grissom: More work.

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Warrick Brown: Was that a confession?

Gil Grissom: I think a plea of insanity.

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Captain Jim Brass: Our friend Tony just checked into the hotel. Didn't even unpack his bags.

Grissom: He made enemies fast.

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Dr. Al Robbins: He's been pretty worked over. How many teeth did you find at the crime scene?

Grissom: Two.

Dr. Al Robbins: He's missing six.

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Sara Sidle: Clothing, $85. Earrings, $30. Latte, $4. Getting away with murder...

Gil Grissom: Priceless.

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Captain Jim Brass: What can't you put your finger on, apart from the cut off switch?

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Captain Jim Brass: Let me put it this way - I'd want them investigating my murder.

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Nick Stokes: You don't have a career without a job.

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Captain Jim Brass: [an accused perp bends over to be searched] You better save that position for later, you'll need it where you're going.

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Gil Grissom: My bugs are my babies, my children.

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Gil Grissom: Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who go into a bar?

Catherine Willows: I'm not in the mood.

Gil Grissom: Neither was the monkey.

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Zach: You know how it is, you look like you were a jock in college.

Greg Sanders: Me?

Sara Sidle: Him?

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Nick Stokes: [Archie was talking to Nick about a Star Trek episode] You need a girlfriend.

Archie: You first.

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Gil Grissom: I'm sorry, you look lost

Sheriff Rory Atwater: I've been calling your cell.

Gil Grissom: We get bad reception here in CSI. Listen, if this is about dinner, I'm free next week. I'll be having the fish.

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Catherine Willows: What kind of perverse game are you playing here, Gil?

Gil Grissom: I'm not a pervert.

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Gil Grissom: Maestro, what's the deal with our floater?

[shouts over the music]

Gil Grissom: Professor! What's up with our floater?

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Catherine Willows: How old were you when your father died?

Gil Grissom: Nine.

Catherine Willows: Little guy.

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Gil Grissom: I tend not to believe people; they lie. The evidence never lies.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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