Michael: [to himself] You are going to have sex with the first woman you see. First woman you see, first woman you see.
[walks out of the bathroom and stumbles by an unattractive, fat woman]
Michael: OK, second woman you see. The second woman you see.
Natalie: I'm falling for Kyle.
Natalie: He's actually sweet.
Michael: Sweet? The guy screws women while they're barfing!
Carlos: I'm curious, Mr. Delaney. How did you get the money?
Michael: I guess you could say I sold my soul.
Carlos: Yeah, I see a lot of that.
[Natalie is with Kyle in the bedroom]
Michael: Natalie, get out of there! Save yourself! It's the dick of death!
[Natalie hands Michael some "Horny Devil" boxers she randomly bought for him]
Michael: Oh great! These will go well with my Horny Devil socks.
Shelby: Say it, Michael.
Michael: Say it?
Shelby: I won't do it unless you say it.
Michael: I'm sorry. I'm having a little bit of trouble concentrating here. What is it exactly you want me to say?
Shelby: You know. Those three... little... words...
Michael: Those three little words... Hold on a minute.
Shelby: What? What's wrong?
Michael: I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Shelby: Why are you acting like this?
Michael: Shelby, I like you. I like you a lot. But things are just moving a little too fast. I'm just not ready to say, "I love you".
Shelby: What makes you think I want you to say, "I love you"?
Michael: Oh, come on. Back there. You wouldn't do it because I wouldn't say those three little words.
Shelby: You colossal moron! "Suck... my... cock".
Michael: Oh, suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock!
Jill: [as a tortured Micheal tries to scream in his gag] I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. Something's... missing.
Granny: [walks in with a whip and dominatrix' clothes] Here's grammy!
[plays with her tongue as the screen fades out]
Michael: [fade in to outside the house] That's it, no more redheads. No more redheads ever.
[screams as the gate touches his backside]
Steve: Don't worry buddy, you're at the Hard Rock. I mean this place rocks... hard.
Steve: It's like I've found this huge spiritual side to myself that I didn't even know existed
Michael: Last week, I had sex with twins.
Steve: OK, you win.
Kyle: Oh If I get married it's going to be a cosmetics counter girl.
Michael: Why a cosmetics counter girl?
Kyle: It's the perfect woman, man. You know they're always going to smell good and wear makeup, plus, they're not too ambitious so they'll make a good wife AND they're not going to be one of those damn feminist bitches that keep their own last name when you marry them.
Steve: Like my mom?
Kyle: Yeah, exactly.
Kyle: [after surgery to remove his testicle] Mike, I want my ball.
Michael: Kyle, I understand that but look on the bright side, you still have one healthy one.
Kyle: You don't understand, I want it! I want to take it home with me. The nurses said I can't do that.
Michael: It's not a tooth, Kyle.
Kyle: It belongs to me! I miss it. Please get my nut.