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George Carlin: I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photograph of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
George Carlin: Doesn't it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
[about all the tollbooths New Jersey has]
George Carlin: You can't make any gas mileage in New Jersey; you're in a constant state of slowing down! By the time I get to Pennsylvania, I need a fucking brake job!
George Carlin: You see now they're thinking about banning toy guns, and they're going to keep the fucking real ones!
George Carlin: Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people
[snaps fingers]
George Carlin: Just like that!
George Carlin: Some of you might be familiar with some of my more famous tips from the past: how to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!
George Carlin: People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says "Hope to see you folks again real soon!" Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner." Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federalies." A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that's enough of that.
[repeated line]
George Carlin: Well, I get pissed, god damn it!
George Carlin: Here's another little practical joke for the driver. When you're going through the tollbooth.
[pause]
George Carlin: Well, not actually *through* the booth itself. That would be a BIG practical joke!
[laughter]
George Carlin: I mean when you're going through the little space in between the booths; when you get up the window and the man sticks out his hand, bargain with him!
[laughter]
George Carlin: Try to get yourself a better deal. Tell him you heard it was "Free Chevrolet Day".
[laughter]
George Carlin: Tell him it's a used road and you're looking for a discount!
[laughter]
George Carlin: Tell him you have no money, you spent it all on pussy and beer.
[laughter]
George Carlin: That'll wake him up; especially if you're a woman!
[laughter]
[about mottos on states' license plates]
George Carlin: The most dramatic one of all has to be New Hampshire's, which says Live Free or DIE!
[laughter]
George Carlin: Well, I'm certainly not going to move there! I get just a *little* nervous in any state where they mention death right on the license plate.
[laughter]

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