[to Cherita Chen]
Donnie: I promise that one day, everything's gonna be better for you.
Cherita Chen: [with accent] Shut up!
Ronald Fisher: Beer and pussy. That's all I need.
Sean Smith: We gotta find ourselves a Smurfette.
Ronald Fisher: Smurfette?
Sean Smith: Mm-hmm. Not some, like, tight-ass Middlesex chick, you know? Like, this cute little blonde that will get down and dirty with the guys. Like Smurfette does.
Donnie: Smurfette doesn't fuck.
Sean Smith: That's bullshit. Smurfette fucks all the other Smurfs. Why do you think Papa Smurf made her? Because all the other Smurfs were getting too horny.
Ronald Fisher: No, no, no, not Vanity. I heard he was a homosexual.
Sean Smith: Okay, well, you know what? Then she fucks them while Vanity watches. Okay?
Ronald Fisher: What about Papa Smurf? I mean, he must get in on all the action.
Sean Smith: Yeah, what he does, he films the gang-bang. Later on, he beats off to the tape.
Donnie: [matter-of-factly] First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario - It just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living... if you don't have a dick?
Ronald Fisher: [pause] Damn it, Donnie. Why do you gotta get so smart on us?
Samantha Darko: Why do I have to sleep with Donnie? He stinks.
Donnie: When you fall asleep tonight, I'm gonna fart in your face.
[At the school assembly speaking out against Jim Cunningham]
Donnie: You want your sister to lose weight? Tell her to get off the couch, stop eating Twinkies and maybe go out for field hockey. You know what? No one ever knows what they want to be when they grow up. You know, it takes a little, little while to find that out. Right, Jim? And you. Yeah, you. Sick of some jerk shoving your head down the toilet? Well, you know what? Maybe you should lift some weights or take a karate lesson. And the next time he tries to do it, you kick him in the balls.
Kitty Farmer: Rose, I'm sure that you're aware of the horrible allegations against Jim Cunningham.
Rose Darko: I know. I saw it on TV. Something about a "kiddie porn dungeon."
Kitty Farmer: Please, please! Don't use those words! It's obviously some kind of conspiracy to destroy an innocent man. And I have taken it upon myself to spearhead the Jim Cunningham defense campaign.
Kitty Farmer: [pleading] Rose, I have to appear at his arraignment tomorrow morning. And as you know, the girls are scheduled to leave for Los Angeles in the morning. Now, as their coach, I was the obvious choice to chaperone them on their trip, but...
Rose Darko: [feigning concern] But now, you can't go.
Kitty Farmer: Yes.
Rose Darko: Hmm.
Kitty Farmer: Now, believe me, of all the other mothers, I would never dream of asking you. But none of the other mothers are available to go.
Rose Darko: I don't know, Kitty. It's a bad weekend. Eddie's in New York.
Kitty Farmer: [tearfully] Rose! I don't know if you realize what an opportunity this is for our daughters! This has been a dream of Samantha's and all of ours for a long time! I made her lead dancer! Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Kitty Farmer: [to Karen Pomeroy] Excuse me. You need to go back to grad school.
Frank: Don't worry. You got away with it.
[being led away in handcuffs by police]
Jim Cunningham: You are a fear prisoner. Yes, you are a product of fear.
Donnie: So, what do I tell the other kids when they ask about you?
Karen Pommeroy: Tell them that everything is gonna be just fine.
[watching George H.W. Bush debating Michael Dukakis on TV]
Edward Darko: Tell him, George!
Gretchen: My mom had to get a restraining order against my stepdad. He has emotional problems.
Donnie: Oh, I have those, too. What kind of emotional problems does your dad have?
Gretchen: He stabbed my mom four times in the chest.
Karen Pommeroy: [reading "The Destructors"] "It was as though this plan had been with him all his life, pondered through the seasons, now in his 15th year crystallized with the pain of puberty."
Edward Darko: Damned airline better not fuck us on the shingle match.
[from the Extended and Deleted Scenes. The class is discussing "Watership Down"]
Karen Pommeroy: When the other rabbits hear of Fiver's vision, do they believe him?
Donnie: Why should we care?
Karen Pommeroy: Because the rabbits are us, Donnie.
Donnie: Why should I mourn for a rabbit like it was human?
Karen Pommeroy: Are you saying that the death of one species is less tragic than another?
Donnie: Of course. The rabbit's not like us. It has no history books, no photographs, no knowledge of sorrow or regret. I mean, I'm sorry, Miss Pommeroy. Don't get me wrong. You know, I like rabbits and all. They're cute and they're horny. And if you're cute and you're horny, then you're probably happy that you don't know who you are or why you're even alive. You just wanna have sex as many times as possible before you die. I just don't see the point in crying over a dead rabbit, you know, who never even feared death to begin with.
Donnie: Why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?
Frank: Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
Gretchen: "Donnie Darko." What the hell kind of name is that? It's like some sort of superhero or something.
Donnie: What makes you think I'm not?
Donnie: [in a letter] Dear Roberta Sparrow, I have reached the end of your book and there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I'm afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I'm afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.
Kitty Farmer: "No duh" is a product of fear.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Donnie, what did Roberta Sparrow say to you?
Donnie: She said that every living creature on Earth dies alone.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Has he ever told you about his friend Frank?
Rose Darko: Frank?
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Yes, the giant bunny rabbit.
Edward Darko: The what?
Rose Darko: I don't recall him ever having mentioned a rabbit.
Gretchen: And what if you could go back in time and take all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better?
Donnie: You're such a fuck-ass!
Rose Darko: Please.
Elizabeth: What? Did you just call me a "fuck-ass"?
Rose Darko: Elizabeth, that's enough.
Elizabeth: You can go suck a fuck.
Donnie: Oh, please, tell me, Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?
Elizabeth: You want me to tell you?
Donnie: Please, tell me.
Rose Darko: We will not have this at the dinner table.
Donnie: [Mouthing] I'm all ears!
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Do you feel alone right now?
Donnie: Oh, I don't know. I mean, I'd like to believe I'm not, but I just... I've just never seen any proof, so I... I just don't debate it anymore, you know? It's like I could spend my whole life debating it over and over again, weighing the pros and cons. And in the end, I still wouldn't have any proof. So I just... I just don't debate it anymore. It's absurd.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: The search for God is absurd?
Donnie: It is if everyone dies alone.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Does that scare you?
Donnie: I don't want to be alone.
Jim Cunningham: Son... Do you see this?
Jim Cunningham: This is an anger prisoner. A textbook example.
Donnie: Anger prisoner.
Jim Cunningham: Do you see the fear, people? This boy is scared to death of the truth. Son, it breaks my heart to say this, but I believe you are a very troubled and confused young man. I believe you are searching for the answers in all the wrong places.
Donnie: You're right, actually. I am pretty... I'm pretty troubled and I'm pretty confused, but I... And I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I-I think you're the fucking Antichrist.
Kitty Farmer: Dr. Cole, not only am I a teacher, but I am also a parent of a Middlesex child. Therefore, I am the only person here who transcends the parent-teacher bridge.
Samantha Darko: What's a fuck-ass?
Rose Darko: Kitty, do you even know who Graham Greene is?
Kitty Farmer: [scoffs] I think we've all seen "Bonanza."
Donnie: [Talking about portals through space-time] Well, could these portals, um... Could these portals just appear anywhere, anytime?
Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: I think that's highly unlikely. No, I think what you're talking about is an act of God.
Donnie: Well, if God controls time, then all time is pre-decided.
Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: I'm not following you.
Donnie: Every living thing follows along a set path. And if you could see your path or channel, then you could see into the future, right? Like, uh... It's a form of time travel.
Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: Well, you're-you're contradicting yourself there, Donnie. If we were able to see our destinies manifest themselves visually, then we would be given a choice to betray our chosen destinies. And the mere fact that this choice exists would make all preformed destiny, uh, come to an end.
Donnie: Not if you travel within God's channel.
Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: Um, I'm not going to be able to continue this conversation.
Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: I could lose my job.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: If this world were to end, there would only be you and him... and no one else.
Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: And did you stop and think that maybe infants need darkness? That maybe darkness is part of their natural environment?
Gretchen: Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood.
Donnie: Well, look... You want to go with me?
Gretchen: Where do you want to go?
Donnie: I mean, like, "go" with me. Like, you know... Like, it's what we call it here. "Going together."
[pauses for a moment, turns and walks away]
Donnie: Okay. Hey, where are you going?
Gretchen: I'm going home.
[Donnie tries to kiss Gretchen and she pulls away]
Donnie: I - I'm sorry. I...
Gretchen: Look, Donnie, wait.
Donnie: I like you a lot.
Gretchen: I just want it to be at a time when it...
Donnie: When what?
Gretchen: When it reminds me just...
Donnie: When it reminds you how beautiful the world can be?
[turns her head]
Gretchen: And right now there's some fat guy over there staring at us.
Karen Pommeroy: [to Principal Cole] I don't think that you have a clue what it's like to communicate with these kids. And we are losing them to apathy, to this prescribed nonsense. They are slipping away.
[before a dance performance]
Kitty Farmer: Okay, now, girls, I want you to concentrate. Failure is not an option. And, Bethany, if you feel the need to vomit up there, just swallow it.
Donnie: [reading lifeline card] "Ling Ling finds a wallet on the ground filled with money. She takes the wallet to the address on the driver's license but keeps the money inside the wallet."
Donnie: I'm... I'm sorry, Mrs. Farmer. I don't get this.
Donnie: Well, life isn't that simple. I mean, who cares if Ling Ling returns the wallet and keeps the money? It has nothing to do with either fear or love.
Kitty Farmer: Fear and love are the deepest of human emotions.
Donnie: Okay. But you're not listening to me. There are other things that need to be taken into account here, like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else.
Donnie: [discussing his parents] They didn't buy me what I wanted for Christmas.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: What did you want for Christmas that year?
Donnie: Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: And how did you feel, being denied these Hungry, Hungry Hippos?
Karen Pommeroy: This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that "cellar door" is the most beautiful.
Emily Bates: Beth's mom said the boys' locker room was flooded and they found feces everywhere.
Susie Bates: What are feces?
Emily Bates: Baby mice.
Susie Bates: Aww.
Elizabeth: I'm voting for Dukakis.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Do you still think about girls a lot?
Donnie: [Under hypnosis] Yeah.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: How are things going at school?
Donnie: I think about girls a lot.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: I asked you about school, Donnie.
Donnie: I think about fucking a lot during school.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: What else do you think about during school?
Donnie: Married with Children.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Do you think about your family?
Donnie: I just turn down the volume and think about fucking Christina Applegate.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: I asked you about your family, Donnie.
Donnie: [Chuckling] No. I don't think about fucking my family. That's gross.
Donnie: [taking a cigarette] What happens if tell Mom and Dad about this, Sam?
Samantha Darko: You'll put Ariel in the garbage disposal.
Donnie: Goddamn right I will.
Gretchen: Hey. What's going on?
David: Horrible accident. My neighbor, he got killed.
Gretchen: What happened?
David: Got smushed by a jet engine.
Gretchen: What was his name?
David: Donnie. Donnie Darko.
David: I feel bad for his family.
David: Did you know him?
[Seth is holding a knife to Donnie's throat as a car approaches along the road]
Seth Devlin: Did you call the fucking cops?
Donnie: Deus ex machina.
Seth Devlin: What did you just say? What the fuck did you just say?
Donnie: Our savior.
Donnie: [reading poem in class] "'A storm is coming,' Frank says. 'A storm that will swallow the children. And I will deliver them from the kingdom of Bane. I'll deliver the children back to their doorsteps. I'll send the monsters back to the underground. I'll send them back to a place where no one else can see them except for me, 'cause I am Donnie Darko.'"
Rose Darko: Our son just called me a bitch.
Edward Darko: You're not a bitch. You're bitchin', but you're not a bitch.
Kitty Farmer: If you don't complete the assignment, you'll get a zero for the day.
[motions to speak... ]
Kitty Farmer: [cut to principal's office]
Principal Cole: Donald, let me preface this by saying that your Iowa test scores are... intimidating. So... let's go over this again. What exactly did you say to Ms. Farmer?
Kitty Farmer: [loudly interjecting] I'll tell you what he said! He asked me to forcibly insert the lifeline exercise card into my anus!
[Eddie snickers, then coughs to cover it up]
Ronald Fisher: [mockingly, to Cherita Chen] *Shut* up! Go back to China, bitch!
Ronald Fisher: [to Cherita Chen] Hey, Porky Pig, I hope you get molested.
Rose Darko: I don't think telling any woman to forcibly insert an object into her anus is something that should go without consequence.
Edward Darko: I think we should buy him a moped.
Rose Darko: I think we should get a divorce.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Donnie. An atheist is someone who denies altogether the existence of God. You're an agnostic. An agnostic is someone who believes that there can be no proof of the existence of God, but does not deny a possibility that God exists.
[Roberta Sparrow finds her mailbox empty and walk back to her house, only to turn around halfway]
Sean Smith: Oh, wait, wait, wait. She goes - She's going back to the box. We may still have mail.
Ronald Fisher: Mail, mail, mail.
Sean Smith: Here it is. And?
Ronald Fisher: This could be it. Oh! No dice, Grandma.
Sean Smith: No, sorry. Sorry.
Ronald Fisher: Someone ought to write that bitch.
Donnie: [to Pommeroy, about the Graham Greene story] Well, they say it right when they flood the house, and they tear it to shreds that, like, uh, destruction is a form of creation. So the fact that they burn the money is ironic. They just want to see what happens when they tear the world apart. They want to change things.
Karen Pommeroy: The children have to save themselves these days because the parents have no clue.
Cherita Chen: Chut up!
Jim Cunningham: Is that all the gusto you can muster?
Dr. Lilian Thurman: What is going to happen?
Donnie: [crying] Frank is gonna kill.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Who is he going to kill? Who is he going to kill, Donnie?
Donnie: [sees Frank] I can see him right now!
Ricky Danforth: I like your boobs.
Edward Darko: I-I know I'm not the best communicator, but... whatever happens to you, be honest, tell the truth, even if they do look at you funny. They will. But what you gotta understand, Son, is that almost all of those people are full of shit.
Edward Darko: They're all part of this great big conspiracy of bullshit. And they're scared of people like you, because those bullshitters know that you're smarter than all of them. You know what you say to people like that? Hmm? "Fuck you."
Roberta Sparrow: [whispering into Donnie's ear] Every creature on this Earth dies alone.
Elizabeth: You can go suck a fuck.
Donnie: Oh, please, tell me, Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?
[Pommeroy is reading to the class from the 1954 short story "The Destructors" by Graham Greene]
Karen Pommeroy: "There would be headlines in the papers. Even the grown-up gangs who ran the betting at the all-in wrestling and the Barrow Boys would hear with respect of how Old Misery's house had been destroyed. It was as though this plan had been with him all his life, pondered through the seasons, now in his 15th year crystallized with the pain of puberty." What is Graham Greene trying to communicate with this passage? Why did the children break into Old Misery's House? Joanie?
Joanie James: They wanted to rob him.
Karen Pommeroy: Joanie, if you had actually read the short story, which, at a whopping 13 pages, would have kept you up all night, you would know that the children find a great deal of money in the mattress, but they burn it.
Gretchen: Um, where do I sit?
Karen Pommeroy: Sit next to the boy you think is the cutest.
[the class gasps]
Karen Pommeroy: Quiet! Let her choose.
Donnie: I'm going home.
Frank: Wake up.
Frank: Come closer.
Frank: I've been watching you.
Jim Cunningham: Now, I'm going to tell you a little story today. It's a heartbreakingly sad story about a young man whose life was completely destroyed by these instruments of fear. A young man, searching for love in all the wrong places. His name was Frank.
Frank: What were you guys doing in the middle of the road, huh? What are you thinking?
Donnie: The sky's gonna open up.
Frank: I want you to watch the movie screen. There's something I want to show you.
Frank: Have you ever seen a portal?
Donnie: I have to obey him. He saved my life. I have to obey him, or I'll be left all alone. And then... And then I won't be able to figure out what this is all about. I won't be able to know his master plan.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Do you mean *God's* master plan? Do you now believe in God?
Donnie: I have the power to build a time machine.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: How is that possible? How is time travel possible? Donnie?
Donnie: Time's up, Frank said.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: When is this going to happen?
Donnie: I was in jail once. I mean I accidentally burned down this house. It was abandoned, but still, I got held back in school and I can't drive until I'm 21. But I'm over all of that. I... I... I'm painting and stuff. Writing. I want to be a writer, or maybe a painter, I don't know, or maybe both. I'll write a book and draw the pictures. Then maybe people will understand me. I don't know, change things.
Frank: Is she dead?... What were you guys doing in the middle of the road, huh? What are you thinking?
[Donnie shoots Frank]
Donnie: [Close to tears, to Frank's passenger] Go home! Go home and tell your parents everything's going to be OK. Go!
Donnie: [to Jim Cunningham] I think you're the fucking anti-Christ.