Big Trouble (2002)
[Officer Monica Romero and Agent Greer are in his car, arguing about Russian bombs and missiles]
Officer Monica Romero: Where did they get that stuff?
Pat Greer: Russia.
Officer Monica Romero: Don't the Russians have controls on that kind of thing?
Pat Greer: You'd faint if you knew. A few months ago, somebody got a warhead out of a missile-dismantlement facility in a place called -...
Alan Seitz: Sergijev Posad. Not far from Moscow. Beautiful churches there.
Pat Greer: Anyway, somebody who knew what they were doing modified it. Dumped it on some guys who run a place here called The Jolly Jackal.
Officer Monica Romero: The bar?
Pat Greer: That bar has more AK-47s than Budweiser.
Arthur Herk: Make her stop! God in heaven! Make her stop! She wants my soul!
Martha Stewart: Arugula! Arugula! Arrrrrrrrugula!
Leonard: If I don't shoot someone soon, I'm gonna forget how.
Officer Monica Romero: I'm not gonna arrest you, Matt, unless Mrs. Herk wants to press charges.
Anna Herk: Hey, kids.
Arthur Herk: I want to press charges! Cuff him!
Officer Monica Romero: My hands are kind of full right now, what with holding my dick and all.
[In the Jolly Jackal Russian's bar; Leo is holding a baseball bat]
Snake: [about Puggy] He broke my ankle!
Leonard: I break your head!
Eddie: Let's get the hell outta here, Snake. I think I hear one of them silent alarms.
Geo Salesman: Sweet little vehicle. Just get divorced? Ah, it doesn't matter. Forty-two miles to the gallon, AM/FM radio. I'll even throw in the undercoating. Anything else you'd like to know?
Matt Arnold: Yeah. How many clowns can it hold?
Eliot Arnold: Arthur Herk. One of the few Floridians who was NOT confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.
[Snake and Eddie are riding in the hi-jacked police car; and Eddie is coming up to the two main Airport signs]
Eddie: Okay, we gotta pick a road. Arrivals or departures? We're arriving, but then we're departing. Which one, Snake?
Snake: What do you think?
Jenny Herk: I think you guys should turn yourselves in and plead not guilty by reason of stupidity.
Snake: [looks at the signs] Departures.
Henry Desalvo: We have a die-hard situation developing in the kitchen.
Leonard: What's happening?
Henry Desalvo: Well, either he's going to whack 'em with a rolling pin or bake him a cake. I don't know. Could go either way with this crew.
Henry Desalvo: Well, Miami sucks. But the cops are kind of nice.
Eliot Arnold: Strip poker. Strip poker. Now, that's a good game.
[Grabs a squirt gun away from Matt]
Eliot Arnold: This is a stupid game.
Matt Arnold: Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.
Eliot Arnold: You could've been killed. And where's your partner in crime?
Matt Arnold: Andrew?
Jenny Herk: He ran the other way.
Eliot Arnold: Did anybody call the police?
Arthur Herk: [making an opinion on who might have shot his TV] I'll tell you who did it. It's probably some goddamn kids. 'Cause these goddamn kids today, they all got goddamn guns, and they're all sniffing glue!
Officer Monica Romero: Any additional insights, Mr. Herk? Any information can help us to protect you.
Arthur Herk: I seriously doubt that you or any other member of the police force in this town could protect their own dicks with both hands.
Officer Monica Romero: Thank you for that observation.
Henry Desalvo: There isn't any rule that says I can't come over here and fart on your entree.
Leonard: Look at this thing. He's the size of a Buick.
Henry Desalvo: She.
Leonard: She what?
Henry Desalvo: The mosquito is a she.
Leonard: How the hell can you tell that?
Henry Desalvo: Discovery channel. Only the female mosquito sucks your blood.
Leonard: Sounds like my ex-wife. "Bitch."
Puggy: My name is Puggy and I live in a tree. I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.
Arthur Herk: Oh, my God! She's coming to get me!
Pat Greer: The dog, Mr. Herk?
Arthur Herk: No! Her!
Pat Greer: Who?
Arthur Herk: You know! Her!
Martha Stewart: Herk, Herk, Herk! Herk!
Arthur Herk: Oh, my God, she knows my name... She knows everything! She's come to take my soul!
Pat Greer: Mr. Herk, this is important...
Arthur Herk: Please don't let her take my soul!
Pat Greer: What the hell's he talking about?
Monica Romero: I don't know.
Alan Seitz: How close did he get to that toad?
Monica Romero: Like face first.
Alan Seitz: Beufotin. Hell of a hallucination. He's gone and he's not coming back.
Martha Stewart: [growls]
Henry Desalvo: Apparently there was some kind of traffic commotion. Let's see if there's anything about it on the radio.
[turns on the radio]
Confused Sports Radio Call In: Well you're not hearing what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that I'm a Gators fan and I'm calling you now.
Arthur Herk: Nina, this is my house, you work for me, and I want to suck your toes.
Matt Arnold: Uh, Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt her. And then, uh, Mrs. Herk jumped me... or jumped ON me. And, uh, and then I went down on Jenny... or I f-fell on Jenny.
Alan Seitz: Oh, don't worry, Ivan. It's just your foot. See, this is what we at the bureau call an extremity shot. Generally, the victim survives. They don't do so well with what we call a torso shot.
Pat Greer: So what do you think, Ivan? Would you like to experience a torso shot?
Bruce: I hope you realize you've just committed assault.
Henry Desalvo: I know, I know. Time was, you actually had to hit somebody.
Pat Greer: Oh, sure, your name is John, and you're just a hard-working, law-abiding citizen running a shithole bar where you got... no customers.
John: Is bad location.
Pat Greer: Doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart?
Alan Seitz: Warms the shit out of my cockles.
Arthur Herk: This is my goddamn house!
Monica Romero: Yes, and these are my handcuffs, and if you don't cooperate, you'll be wearing my handcuffs in your goddamn house!
[Getting into the hi-jacked police car]
Snake: Let's go.
Eddie: I ain't never driven one of these before.
Snake: It ain't a spaceship, asshole. Drive.
Snake: [remarking on his gun] Remember. I'm gonna have this thing pointed right at you. So, don't do something stupid.
Jenny Herk: How would you even know if I did something stupid.
Snake: I'll just know. Believe me, I can tell the difference.
Snake: If you don't do like I say, you know what's gonna happen to you, right?
Puggy: You're gonna shoot me?
Snake: You got that right.
[At the Airport Security Walk-through]
Airport Security Checker: What is this?
Snake: A garbage disposal.
Airport Security Checker: A garbage disposal?
Airport Security Checker: You'll have to turn it on.
Snake: It's got a timer.
[turns the switches of the bomb on]
Snake: Grounds up your garbage, while you're out.
[In the airplane]
Snake: How about we go now?
Airplane Captain Justin Hobart: Sir, we have to finish the preflight checklist. It's for your safety, sir.
Snake: [points to his gun in his hand] I got my safety right here, asshole.
Officer Walter Kramitz: Are you going to help me, or are you just gonna be a big, fat, stupid asshole?
Jack Pendick: Strip search.
Alan Seitz: What makes you think this is the first time?
Pat Greer: Never mind which time this is. The important thing is we got those assholes trapped at the airport, and until we say further, no plane is taking off.
Officer Monica Romero: You can do that?
Eliot Arnold: I hope you're not gonna give me a ticket for this.
Officer Walter Kramitz: If I don't see them, I don't write them.
Snake: [to the Russians] If you assholes try to call the cops after we leave, the next bullet goes through your head.
Airport Officer Arch Ridley: [Agent Greer just pushed him up against a support wall] Name's Arch Ridley. Tell me what you need. Please don't kill me.
Pat Greer: We're tracking a couple of scumbags, with one, maybe two hostages and a big metal suitcase. Anybody in this crackerjack system of yours see anything like that?
Arthur Herk: [to Eliot] Now you and your shithead kid can get the hell out of here, and never come back.
Eliot Arnold: Thanks for everything.
Eliot Arnold: Let go of the suitcase!
Snake: The Kingpin will never let go of the Kingpin's suitcase!
[Henry and Leonard are stuck in the middle of a big traffic jam, just right before the Airport Road]
Henry Desalvo: We're gonna miss our flight.
Leonard: You see what the problem is?
Henry Desalvo: I don't know. There's some kind of commotion up there. There might be something about it on the radio.
Henry Desalvo: There goes the warranty... and there goes the Iron Chef.
Jenny Herk: You, don't look at my ass when I walk away.
Andrew: I can't make that promise.
Andrew: Whoa. "You can squirt me tonight down at Bayside." You're gonna remember that line when you're an old dude, dude.
Matt Arnold: Are you looking at her ass?
Henry Desalvo: [back at his table] You go tell your employer it's gonna cost him another 10 G's apiece.
His Boss: Okay. But we want this finished as soon as possible.
Henry Desalvo: Well, believe me, we don't want to spend anymore time in this garden spot than we have to.
Leonard: Got that right.
[Matt and Andrew are getting prepared for a big water gun war at their friend, Jenny, in her home]
Andrew: So, what's the plan? Through the front?
Matt Arnold: [sarcastically] Yeah. "It's Matt Arnold. I'm here to kill your daughter, Jenny."
Matt Arnold: No, we gotta go over the wall, dickweed. I just she doesn't see this stupid turdmobile.
[Ivan has just beat Snake and Eddie with a baseball bat]
Ivan: We sponsor a girl's softball team.
Henry Desalvo: There was another shooter.
Voice on Payphone: What do you mean?
Henry Desalvo: What do I mean? What do you mean "what do I mean". I mean there was another shooter is what I mean.
Snake: We need four tickets to the Bahamas, one-way, next flight you got.
Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Nassau or Freeport?
Snake: The Bahamas.
Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Nassau and Freeport are in the Bahamas.
Snake: [confused] Whichever's next.
Jenny Herk: How do we wanna do this? We don't need to drag this any longer than it has to.
Andrew: You can shoot her in the crotch. You can be a couple.
Jenny Herk: This is a friend of yours?
Jack Pendick: Check this out.
[Jack shows the trainee a small pistol]
Jack Pendick Trainee: Um, we're not supposed to be carrying guns.
Jack Pendick: We're not supposed to drink on the job, either.
[Jack takes out a flask and takes a swig]
Snake: [on seeing Eddie out cold on the floor] Eddie... get up! Get up, you lazy shit!
Eliot Arnold: [confronting Snake] He's not lazy, he's unconscious.
Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Enjoy your flight to the Bahamas, family Smith.
Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Ok, I gonna need your names sir.
Snake: John Smith.
Fly by Air Ticket Agent: And the other names, sir?
[referring to Eddie, Jenny and Puggy]
Snake: John Smith.
Fly by Air Ticket Agent: You're all John Smith?
Fly by Air Ticket Agent: [suspicious] Ok, I'm gonna need some ID.
Snake: [Snake hands her more money]
Snake: There you go.
Fly by Air Ticket Agent: Ok, family Smith. Have a nice flight.
Matt Arnold: I hope they don't have a dog.
Eliot Arnold: [narrating] As it turns out, the Herks did have a dog. His name was Roger and he was the random result of generations of hasty, unplanned dog sex.
Henry Desalvo: I got a great New York Strip over there that cost me $27 in change and it tastes like I'm eating a cigar butt. Now please put out your cigars.
Bruce: There's no rule against smoking here.
Henry Desalvo: This isn't about rules, it's about manners. Now there's no rule that says that I cant come over here and fart on your entree. But I don't do it. Why? Because it's not good manners. Now I'm asking you please - put out your cigars.
Bruce: [blows smoke in Henry's face] No.
[Henry breaks his middle and index fingers]
Bruce: I hope you realize you've just committed assault.
Henry Desalvo: I know. There was a time when you actually had to hit somebody.
Arthur Herk: [after his TV is shot] I'll tell you who it was, it was these god damn kids. And these god damn kids, they all have god damn guns, and they're all sniffing glue!
Monica Romero: [getting annoyed] Any additional insights, Mr. Herk?
Puggy: [opening lines] You just cant beat these when they're really fresh. Anyway Elliot Arnold will have to continue this story because I was locked in the trunk of a car for most of it. My name is Puggy and I live in a tree. I hope I didn't ruin anything for you.
Annoyed Sports Radio Host: I'm looking for one brave Gators fan to call, just one. Oh so Gators fans talk trash all the time but when they play a game and lose nobody has the guts to call in?
Leonard: What are Gators?
Henry Desalvo: Football. College.
Confused Sports Radio Call In: I'm a Gators fan.
Annoyed Sports Radio Host: And what do you have to say?
Confused Sports Radio Call In: You said that Gators fans don't have the guts to call in.
Annoyed Sports Radio Host: Your point?
Confused Sports Radio Call In: My point is that I'm calling you now.
Leonard: [notices Snake and Eddie escorting Arthur wearing dark-colored pantyhose on their head] Is that him?
Henry Desalvo: I think we got Gator fans.
Bruce: [about his ad] She should be bending over for maximum exposure.
Eliot Arnold: [thinks about it] Maximum exposure...
Jenny Herk: I'm going upstairs where it's not so, I dunno, stupid.
Jenny Herk: Can I borrow this? I'm totally into the Seminal Fluids. Arthur threw mine out at the carwash. He doesn't think it's music unless someone's playing an accordion.
Eliot Arnold: What *is* it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos.
Leonard: [during their second attempt to kill Arthur] What's happening?
Henry Desalvo: Well, Moron #1 is tying up the family.
Leonard: So take the shot.
Henry Desalvo: I would, but Moron #2 just came back with a couple of Miami's Finest.
Henry Desalvo: [Henry notices Eliot in the kitchen] Hold on a second. We have a Die Hard situation developing in the kitchen.
Henry Desalvo: There's a guy there in the kitchen.
Leonard: A guy? What's he doing?
Henry Desalvo: Well my guess is he's either gonna whack em' with a rolling pin or he's gonna bake em' a cake. I don't know. Could go either way with this crew.
Henry Desalvo: [sees Eliot grab Matt's water pistol] Holy shit. Betty Crocker's got a squirt gun!
Leonard: Let me look!
Henry Desalvo: Forget about it. This is better than pay-per-view.
Henry Desalvo: [sees Eliot make the water pistol look like a real gun] There goes the warranty, and here comes the Iron Chef.